InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "That's not love. That's hate."

Pepper had been trying very hard not to think about Tony. It wasn’t easy. Even after she’d boxed up his things in preparation for his assistant to come pick it up, everything still reminded her of him. Every piece of art they’d picked up together, every little silly yet expensive trinket he’d gotten her, every piece of furniture in every room that they’d made love on… and that was every single one, she thought with sadness.

She missed him. She missed his smell, his skin, his mouth. No one had ever made her feel like he did. No one had ever infuriated her like he did either. But still she missed him. She missed them.

Dragging herself out of her reverie, she realized it was nearly time for Darcy to show up to get his stuff. She looked in the mirror and apart from her suspiciously watery eyes, she felt she looked normal. She straightened her shirt and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, just as the doorbell rang.

Tony was outside the door, waiting for Happy to answer. It wasn't like he expected Pepper to be home, and he didn't exactly have the key to get in there anymore. What he did expect - given present circumstances - was that Happy would be hovering over Pepper to make sure she was doing ok. He was overprotective that way, and Tony suspected maybe a little too overprotective sometimes. It didn't help when Pepper had to deal with her jerk boyfriend. But Tony knew he was a jerk with a cause, and with a reason to be there.

Darcy needed a day off after sneaking a few items he needed in and out of Stark Industries R&D labs. And since he needed things like his clothes, he was using the magical disguise to get in and out of places. It had worked like a charm so far. He breezed past a two FBI agents downstairs without a second glance. Whatever Loki did was working great. He was considering reassessing his opinion of Thor's little emo bro while he rang the doorbell a second time.

Pepper frowned vaguely when the doorbell rang again. She didn’t know Darcy well but she hadn’t seemed the impatient sort. She flung open the door without checking the camera so when she saw it wasn’t Darcy, but Tony, she was left with stunned surprise and her mouth hanging open.

“Tony! I wasn’t expecting…” She trailed off. She wasn’t expecting him, and she wasn’t expecting that seeing him would feel like a punch in the gut. He looked much better than he had the last time she’d seen him, but he still had that haunted look. “Hi.”

That haunted look had varying degrees of severity. Thanks to the wonders of Smirnoff and Steve Rogers keeping him resting and on meds, he had gotten some much needed sleep. Despite that, he felt like everything in his chest suddenly relocated into his stomach, where he was sure a massive ulcer was ready to explode. In fact, Tony looked as though he was frozen in place, dark eyes round as saucers, his mouth still half open to ask Happy if he was too busy perving on that dragon chick from Game of Thrones again to answer the door. Pepper wasn't supposed to be home. It was supposed to be a simple pick up, in and out, and he didn't think Pepper wanted to be there for that.

Quickly, his speech processing center rebooted itself, causing words to spill out.

"Uhh hiya," he started out, and that was a good beginning. He gave himself a mental backpat and kept going. "I thought Happy, might be...somewhere. Here, maybe. How're you? I mean, not good. Obviously. That was dumb. Please don't slam the door. Unless it's to let me ring the doorbell so we can start over. Like this didn't happen."

Thanks brain. Thanks for spitting out something that was breakup awkward. Maybe it could come up with something else that was casual and simultaneously wasn't totally idiotic.

Pepper was still stunned almost into silence, but her good manners took over automatically and she stepped back to allow him in. “Happy isn’t here,” she said softly, just for something to say, because the silence was stretching. “Was he supposed to be?”

Well, that was a stupid question. Clearly Tony had thought Happy would be there are not her. Tony was avoiding her like the plague. More so than plague. Tony would probably be interested in plague. She braced herself for the inevitable sarcastic snark at her dumb question.

"Yep. Supposed to be. Guess that's why he tried to call earlier. You'd think being head of security means he'd call me more than...."

Tony paused to check his phone, where there were five missed calls and about twenty 'code red' texts from Happy.

"....a couple times," he finished, quickly shoving the phone back into a pocket of his jacket.

Those calls were blown off, because he was too busy monitoring Friday's op system being pieced back together and he figured that Happy was gushing about whatever stupid thing he was gushing way too seriously about. Then Darcy needed a day off, and he forgot to check why his phone was making Happy alert noises. Right now, suits and operating systems were...not the last thing on his mind, but they were shoved off to the side as he stared at Pepper. Tony eyes were drinking in the sight of her, even as he strode in like he owned the place. Which he used to. That only made this more weird and uncomfortable.

He abruptly stopped and turned, trying his hardest not to invade her personal space. He looked like he wanted to say something, almost as though some pearl of wisdom was right there, ready to roll off the tip of his tongue. It was going to be so profound, so insightful, that the entire world was holding its breath in anticipation.

"...ok, no, just indigestion. Sorry about that," he said quickly, chickening out. "Got any Tums? I could use about two handfuls of those things."

He turned around and walked down the foyer, looking for boxes or suitcases.

Pepper watched Tony go, aware that she looked like a deer in the headlights. “You… You’re supposed to be Darcy anyway,” she said, following him. She’d put the suitcases in the spare bedroom just because looking at them made her want to cry. Again. She hated crying. She didn’t look good when she cried.

“They’re in here,” she added, stopping by the door to the guest bedroom. “You, um. You look good. I mean. Not hurt. Anymore.”

She put her hands on her hips, felt that looked weird, crossed and uncrossed them, and settled for messing with her hair.

Tony stopped and stared at the suitcases in the spare bedroom. The. Spare. Bedroom. Without turning his head, his eyes moved to her, and then back to looking in through the door. That....actually made him feel more ill (and ill at ease) than he felt about this situation already. Chucked out. Out of sight, out of mind. No wonder this was like walking on hot coals wearing a suit slathered in butter.

"Yep. That's because I'm not." He was sometimes surprised at his own capacity to sound normal and conversational, when he felt anything else other than those two things. It was a talent he honed from a very young age. Easy to do when you were looked at as something created by being chipped off the ice cold block of Howard Stark. "Loki happened. Who knew that that the God of Goth Wanna-be's could do anything productive?"

He flashed a smirk at her, watching her fuss with her hair for a little longer than necessary.

"You...look nice, Potts. You always look nice." Even if she looked like she had been crying. He wasn't sure what to do about that and he wasn't sure that he had the right to point it out anymore.

Into the room he strode, hastily opening a suitcase and poking around through it. "Is my Burberry padded parka in here? The down-filled one with the hood? I miss it. It covered my ass when it got cold out."

He was glad he had his back to her, so she didn't see his sudden scowl. That cashmere coat wasn't the only thing he missed, that also happened to cover his ass when he needed it most.

Pepper was trying to keep up. She usually did better than this but she was out of practice with Tony-speak. “Loki healed you? You let him heal you?” Now that sounded disapproving, because it was, but it wasn’t her call. Tony did look healed.

The lukewarm compliment almost felt more like an insult. Nice? If she’d known he was coming she would have made more of an effort. If she’d known he was coming she actually wouldn’t have been here. She decided not to comment on it.

Focusing on the immediate, she said, “Yes. It’s in the silver case. Right on top. I knew you’d want it.” She’d known how much he’d want each of the things she’d packed for him. It was too bad he wanted those things and not her.

"Cool. You're on top of everything as usual."

Not on top of him, unfortunately. He opened the silver case and took the coat out. He hastily put it on, flipping the hood up over his head, and hugged his arms around himself. Because he needed a hug and no one else was going to do it. If no one else is going to do it? Hug yourself. Made sense. To himself, at least.

He stared out the window, cocking his head to one side a little bit as he realized he probably wouldn't be seeing this view again. He wondered if Pepper would sell the place off, or if she'd stay. It would be too hard to stay. Too many memories. He couldn't blame her if she left this too.

"I hate this," he said, still looking out the window. He made her miserable and he hated hurting her. With a sigh, he slapped a hand at the case, trying to get it to shut. It didn't. In fact, it sprung back open. He kept slapping it anyway. Then he slapped one hand down to hold the top of the case down and started slapping at the fasteners. This was a prime example of why he doesn't pack his own luggage. Ever. Unless it's t-shirts. "How does this even close? Do I sit on it? Did you do this on purpose, like you do with your spinny desk things?"

Maybe she did want to keep him there. It might be part of some clever womanly plan of some sort. Or it was just a bad suitcase that he didn't have any patience in dealing with. He turned just enough that one eye could be seen peeking around the corner of the fuzzy hood.

Was Tony trying to be endearingly cute? Or was that just her brain supplying that observation? She seemed to be hard-wired to think Tony was attractive, even now, when he hated her.

She stepped forward hastily, kneeling next to him. “Here. I’ll do it.” Just like every other time when he couldn’t be bothered with something so mundane as closing a suitcase. Or packing one, for that matter. Or being handed anything. She closed it easily, looking over at Tony. This was the closest she’d been to him for a long while and the proximity actually hurt. She ached all over, being so close and not being able to touch him. “There,” she whispered, knowing she should move away. Now.

Tony Stark still didn't know his own Social Security number. If asked, he'd still say 'Five' and the rest of it was a blank. Because Pepper did everything. She took care of him. When he was working for hours on end, she'd make him eat or remind him to drink water, and talk to him about the benefits of showering on day two or three, and make him try to sleep. Hell, nine times out of ten, it was her taking him by the shirt and dragging him off to bed, which he liked a lot. To say that he felt like a baby bird about to fall to its death from the comfort zone of a nest, was putting it lightly.

So now he was looking down at her while hugging himself, left wanting hug onto her, brown eyes hopelessly large and glassy looking. Every fiber of his being was yelling that he should grab the cases and run. She'd be so much better off for it. He couldn't hurt her anymore. It was safer that way. Even if no one would ever show such patience with him like Pepper did, or know all of his stupid quirks, or yell at him when he needed yelling at, or be as beautiful as she looked at this very moment.

His feet weren't moving. His eyes were locked on target, staring as though he was trying to see into her. Of course, he couldn't. That would've been a super power worth having, even if it would drive him nuts if it was anyone else. It was also too quiet in there. There was no music, or CNN on in the background, and there was none of their usual playful bickering and banter, of him trying to get her to either laugh or corral him back into relative submission. And he swore if he didn't say something or move, he was going to have the sort of anxiety attack that might actually give him a coronary.

"Pepper?" he distantly heard himself asking.

Pepper stood slowly, not moving away, so that when she was standing fully upright, they were inches apart. She felt like she was under some sort of spell. She physically couldn’t move away, even though she knew she should. Needed to. Needed to run before she did something foolish.

“Yes, Tony?” she breathed. She could feel the heat from his body. That body she knew so well. And he knew hers. She wanted to touch him, feel his hands on her. She was afraid she was trembling but she wasn’t sure.

This was such a bad idea. She should never have let him in.

Tony's gaze flickered for a moment, from Pepper's eyes down to her lips, and back again. Then there was movement, of the gravitational pull sort, where he was helplessly leaning in closer and closer, and seemed to forget that he wasn't supposed to invade her personal space.

"Is it hot in here?" he murmured under his breath, so close now that they could bump noses. "I think it's hot in here. Or I'm gonna pass out. Not sure which yet."

There was still time to make a run for it. Or for her to make a run for it, because he certainly wasn't doing it.

Running was the last thing on Pepper’s mind. The first thing was Tony’s lips. She wanted to kiss them so badly she could taste it. Why was he so infuriating while being so irresistible? It wasn’t fair. Tony Stark was the best kisser she’d ever kissed and right now she couldn’t quite remember why she couldn’t kiss him right now.

“It’s pretty hot in here, yes,” she breathed, though the rational part of her mind supplied that it was always a perfectly comfortable seventy-two degrees in the penthouse.

How could she be so perfect, every single time he laid eyes on her? It wasn't fair.

"I think it's your fault." His nose nuzzled against hers as he tilted his head to move in even closer. "I think you're making it hot in here."

Yes, it was all her fault. And just when had he stopped hugging himself? He couldn't even remember when that had happened, or when his hands ended up on her waist...or even how their lips suddenly collided in one of those breath stealing kisses that he missed so much. All that he knew then was that he wanted her more than anything, which was why he kept leaning in more and more.

Time seemed to stop for an instant, when Tony finally closed the distance and kissed her. Her heart definitely stopped, but the rest of her was functioning quite well without it. She leaned in, suddenly every inch of her was pressed against every inch of Tony, and it was like no time had passed. No time, no arguments, no problems…. Nothing mattered except this. Her arms were on his shoulders, her hand in his hair, and the world. Just. Went. Away.

The world could be obliterated and Tony would probably wave a hand goodbye to it, if he could spare one. If he did that, then she might topple down and he'd follow, considering just how pressed together they were. That would be a catastrophe, because the last thing he wanted was for a kiss like this to end. Or to let go of her ever again.

But the world didn't end. Time kept going on and he finally, reluctantly, had to come up for air.

Even though the kiss ended, it didn't mean he moved away. Not in the slightest. In fact, he kept holding her, their lips still so close that the slightest breath or word would cause them to brush together.

"Yep," he breathed out with the wisp of a laugh, "It's because you're hot."

Pepper let out the breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding on a small laugh. Laughing wasn’t something she’d done a whole lot lately, and she’d missed it. Specifically, she’d missed Tony making her laugh. Sometimes she’d make him work so hard for a laugh. She regretted that now. She knew she should be regretting the kiss but that hadn’t happened yet.

“You’re not going to pass out, are you?” she asked. “Because…” She shouldn’t say it, she really shouldn’t… “Maybe you should lie down?” She’d said it. Damn it. And she hadn’t moved away either.

If there was one thing he loved more than anything else, it was Pepper laughing. Any time and effort that could be expended doing that, was never a wasted moment. He even did it while working. He could probably do it in his sleep, if he slept long enough to really apply himself to the task.

"I dunno. I'm getting hot flashes. I might need to lie down." He snuck another leisurely kiss in, like he was punctuating that point. "Hey, here's a crazy idea? Why don't you lie down with me. We could...oh, look."

Always one to push the envelope, he turned his face just enough, to peek with mock surprise at the bed.

"A convenient bed. Right there. However did that happen, Ms. Potts."

He moved away only enough that he could look into her eyes and gauge her reaction.

Tony made her smile. That was another thing he did. Even if it never made it to full fledged laugh, it was still a good thing. “That is a coincidence. Almost like it was meant to be there.” She took a deep breath. “Hey, here’s another idea. Why don’t you take that coat off and I’ll try to warm you up myself.”

She still didn’t let go of him, though. In case this was all a dream and he might disappear.

"They say body heat is the best heat," he agreed a little too readily, while trying to stand them both up straight so he could be sure that the moment wouldn't be ruined by toppling over. The only problem was that he wasn't exactly letting go of her either, and that coat was still on.

It felt like a dream. The sort of dream that was dangled in front of someone's face, and if they reached out for it, that it might end and he'd wake up to the nightmare of living without her.

"Uhh...I...can't...Pep, the coat's not going anywhere...and...you know I love you more than anything, right? Because I do."

Or his mouth could try to end it for him. Tony tensed up, frozen in place, not sure if that was the right too-serious thing to say during what seemed just like their playful hot date night banter.

Pepper giggled. Tony made her giggle too. “You want me to take the coat off you?” She loved when Tony was silly, and not condescending. He could be so much fun. “I promise it’s not glued on. Here. Let me help.” She pulled back enough that she could get the coat open between them. But then there was nothing left between them but her perfectly tailored off-white suit and Tony’s… whatever it was he was wearing. The body heat increased exponentially and she breathed, “Oh.”

A t-shirt with a light jacket thrown over it, and pants that even he thought felt a little too tight right now. Not that it mattered, because he'd wear any ridiculous thing she wanted, if it made her laugh like that again.

"Now I think you're glued to me," he said, right before their lips collided and he was fumbling their way over to the bed. The back of his legs hit it and he went toppling back, pulling her down on top of him with a laugh of his own that sounded suspiciously close to a giddy giggle. "Oh no. Help," he called out to a non-existent savior. "Adhesive bondage. I feel taken advantage of."

Said the man that was currently wrinkling up her perfectly tailored suit, feeling his way around until her shirt was no longer tucked in. He slipped both hands up under the cloth, rubbing the palms over the bare skin of her back.

It felt good. It felt like home and acceptance and ease and everything he wanted to do with her that night, before he got arrested.

Pepper couldn’t decide whether to moan or giggle, which was par for the course with Tony. It felt wonderful and she’d missed it so so much. She got her hands underneath his T-shirt and tried to push it up. But the damn coat was still in the way. So she settled for unbuckling his belt. “Let me take advantage of you some more then.”

"Yes, please," he breathed, looking up at her with a giddy sort of reverence, like she was an angel from super sexy heaven that swooped down to lay her blessings upon him. Literally and figuratively.

And then the door could be heard opening, and the familiar voice of Happy called out, "Hey Pepper, I'm back! Tony didn't show up yet, did he?"

Tony's face scrunched up as he toed off one shoe just enough that he could angrily kick-fling it out the open door.

"Nope! He's not here," Tony called out, trying to toe off the other shoe, so he could launch it at Happy if he tried to peek in. "Go get some Starbucks! At a far away Starbucks. Not a close one. Like...in Hoboken."

"Uhh, ooookaaay?" Happy called back, sounding unsure of what was going on. "You want me to go to a Starbucks in New Jersey?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Bye."

Happy didn't sound like he was getting any closer, but there weren't any noises that meant he was going away, either. Instead he asked, "Pepper, are you ok?"

"She's fine," Tony mumbled up at Pepper, like he meant that in more ways than one.

Pepper giggled again, hopefully not loud enough for Happy to hear. “I’m fine, Happy. More than fine. You could even go to Delaware. Lots of Starbucks there.” She was giddy. Later she might be embarrassed but right now she just wanted Tony.

Happy seemed to finally get the hint. And he didn't sound like he was too upset about it either. In fact, he sounded relieved.

"Finally. Gonna go catch a movie."

The door shut and Tony kicked off his other shoe so it landed with a graceless thud against the wall.

What followed after was what could only be described as a desperate romp, of the sort that involved a lot of clothes flying, kisses and hands roaming over each other in familiar paths, and even the occasional breathy laughter. If anything, sex with Tony was never a boring affair. It was either passionately intense or a ton of fun. This? Was a perfect mixture of both.

If he could pour everything he thought and felt for her into it, he tried to. Until they were utterly spent, and he was pressed against the side of her body, with one arm thrown over her waist and his face nuzzled into the side of her neck.

He reached over and yanked the covers up over them as much as possible. It wasn't enough to cover them completely.

"I feel wanted again," he lazily mumbled against her skin. "And not just criminally, either."

Pepper knew she was smiling too widely. It was probably bad for her skin. But she felt like a stick of melting butter and she didn’t care. She wasn’t entirely sure she could move right now and she didn’t want to. “I always want you, Tony,” she sighed. Desire was never their problem. She snuggled closer, seeking out his warmth, his solid, male body. She’d missed this so much.

On a normal everyday basis, Tony was the least clingy person ever. He could almost be accused of being standoffish, not bumping shoulders or rubbing elbows with anyone else if he didn't have to. His one night stands were just that: one night, if it even lasted that long. It used to be wham, bam, and a 'Goodbye...whatever your name was.'

For many years, Tony was like his own private island. One that very few people got to visit. Pepper was the only person who had ever been given a golden ticket for an extended stay. At first, because she was his personal assistant. And then she was his CEO. And then he finally kissed her on a rooftop with the Stark Expo explosions in the background, and it was the most simultaneously perfect messed up moment of his life. That he still thought he did ok at.

But for right now, he was clinging on, pressed against her as tightly as she was against him. It was another perfect messed up moment, until those anxious thoughts began to creep back in, insidiously telling him that this might be her version of a quickie, where he was expected to be gone in the next hour. Bags packed. Out the door. Once and for all.

Tony raised his head just enough to peek at her face. She was practically glowing with contentment, and that was a good thing. Content Pep was actually the best thing on Earth.

'Job well done, self. Now how are you going to ruin it like you always do?'

"I want you too," he whispered like the walls had ears. "A lot. Tons. Forever and always. But I kinda need to know...where do you wanna go from here?"

It wasn't phrased as something profoundly needy, as much as it was a flat out question. A question left for her to answer. In fact, it seemed better to ask what she wanted while she was happy and they weren't arguing.

He couldn't bear seeing if she made a sour face, if he ruined the moment or not. So Tony buried his face back down into that place where her swan-like neck met her shoulder, and tried not to hold his breath while he waited for the verdict.

Pepper closed her eyes again. She’d known that question, and the real world, were going to intrude but she’d hoped she would have more time to enjoy the moment. “I don’t want to go anywhere, Tony. Except maybe to the kitchen to fix us a cup of tea. Us, Tony. I want us.” Admitting that was putting herself out on a limb. But she was raw and unguarded and that was dangerous around Tony, but she couldn’t help it. How dare he ask, right now, when all she could be was honest? “What do you want?” She braced herself for the flippant answer she knew he’d have ready. Because he always did.

In the end, though, someone had to be the one to venture out onto that limb and she did it. Even though Tony was likely to knock her off it. The passion between them was undeniable. They were like magnets that couldn’t stay apart. But that didn’t mean they could do this again.

He had expected - even tried to brace himself - for the inevitable let down. When that didn't happen, he made a shocked face that was smushed against her shoulder. Tony shook his head a little bit, and propped himself up on an elbow to look down at her.

"I want us," he said, feeling just as raw about it all as she did. It didn't come much more rawer than losing everything, including the person you loved. "I promise to try being more open about everything. Partner in crime, friend, whatever you want. Because I love you. Never stopped. But, honey, I'm a ginormous laundry list of character flaws. I'm getting a little bit better? At this rate, I'm gonna be seventy-five before I turn into a normal, functioning person."

He rolled his eyes when he said that, but it was aimed at himself and not anything to do with her. Pepper was always a normal, functioning person who just happened to be in love with a highly eccentric engineer. The only thing that would never ever change was that he loved her. From the from the moment he first laid eyes on her and those sexy high heels that she wore to work. Of course, he told himself he couldn't have her, because Pepper was on a pedestal. And she put up with his mouth and antics for longer than his own parents did. Or his nanny did. Or boarding school or...did he spend any time at home if it wasn't summer with mom or a major holiday? No wonder he was a mess. Whatever. Focus.

He focused and gave her a hopeful smile, hoping she still loved him.

"I'm killing your afterglow buzz, aren't I," he added, that hopeful smile still locked in place. Maybe she'd forgive him for that too.

Pepper had relaxed as Tony was speaking. She knew this. Knew him. Knew when he was being sincere. He wanted to try and she wanted to let him. Only now she knew that love didn’t really conquer all. She was still more than ready to fight for it.

“Pretty sure I know that laundry list better than you do yourself, Tony. And I still love you. I’m stubborn that way.” It had taken a lot to push her away and she wasn’t going to fall for it again.

She looked into his eyes. “The great thing about afterglow is that you can always do it again.” She smiled just before she kissed him sweetly. As long as she knew Tony really loved her, she could put up with almost anything.