Andre Courfeyrac (see_tholomyes) wrote in angelnet, @ 2014-01-22 03:05:00 |
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Current mood: | anxious |
I have a child. ...Well a teenager, actually but that's semantics and the whole thing is a bit too mindblowing to be perfectly precise now, sorry Michel. The three of us have a child, and he's amazingly beautiful and fifteen and I can pick out bits of all of us in him if I try really hard and that's just after knowing him for not even a day. I'm pretty sure that as we get to know him, we'll be finding out more.
I have a son. Somewhere along the way someone or some THING out there decided I was actually fit to raise a child and not ruin him. Despite the fact I am the irresponsible fuck up of the three of us, maybe even of the group of us, this has all come together and Oh My God, I sincerely hope I manage not to ruin this, I am probably going to fuck it up and make him hate me and I don't know that I can handle that happening with any kind of grace.
I...what happens if I forget where I am again, think myself at the barricades and lose control or one or both of the others do?
Antoine is fifteen but I still think that is a little young to see trauma rear its ugly head firsthand. If I should end up screaming at him or hitting things, or throwing them, or saying all of those things that no one ever wants to hear a parent telling them, out of frustration or anger or any other such things? What happens then? What happens if I ruin it before it has even really started?
As much as I have wanted this for a very long time now, now that it's here, I don't think that I'm ready, if that makes sense? I want to be ready really badly, but I don't know how to even start. I know I love him. That was pretty obvious from when I MET our boy, but I suppose I just, well, I do not want to ruin it beyond anyone's control. I want to do it right and I have NO idea how one even begins.
Because, well, facing the truth of the matter, I have no idea what I am doing. Michel has no idea what he is doing. My own father was...I am lead to understand that with what is known now of raising children that he and my mother did a fairly awful job of it, though they were old and tired, and I was something of a nightmare who deserved it, and Michel just barely remembers his father. Enjolras, has, perhaps, some better luck than that. His set of parents in the life he lived with us were terrified of him, content to leave him to himself, but the one that he had in this world seem to have been good enough, if a bit odd. Still, it's not like he knows what to do with them, or himself, or anything along those lines.
I think our lives have suddenly got all that much more interesting somehow.
Our son, the child I wanted but never thought I would have is here, and scared to death as I am, I find it quite amazing too.
I cannot stop passing by the the spare, well his bedroom now, to watch him sleep, and to make sure he is breathing. That IS something that is normal, isn't it?