nate (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _forgettable) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} angelesic,@ 2025-05-02 19:39:00 |
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| Entry tags: | ! log/thread/narrative, nathaniel park, tomas rojas |
nate park
tomas rojas
WHAT: Tom and Nate have a iDate
WHERE: Their respective rooms; I.E. On Discord
WHEN: Backdated; a few days after the Ritual.
WARNINGS: SLots of innuendo, language, adult situations, cult talk, torture/psychology experiments, unethical experimentation, loneliness
STATUS: Complete
Why he trusted an internet stranger so much, probably said a lot about Nate’s general naivety and willingness to trust anyone who gave him a modicum of attention.
Nate was in his room - provided ‘free’ for him at the Spa from Pantheon. He did work there, so it wasn’t exactly free. He didn’t get like a crazy livable wage AND free room and board. It wasn’t even one of the nice rooms - it was under the main spa itself, in the lower levels like everything else Pantheon related was. No real windows. Still, it was private and no one ever bothered him because he barely had any friends. Not to mention, talking in person was still really difficult. His computer was already booted up, discord on the side and the game open too. He had been staring at the clock since at least seven-thirty, casually browsing reddit and fucking around on youtube until it was almost eight o’clock. He tapped his finger on the mouse, softly but constant. Nervous energy ran through him and he wondered just what about this was so nervewracking. What did it matter? Tomas was just some dude he played games with. Courage gathered, Nate shot a message over to Tomas. Hey. Call? he asked, not bothering with suggesting they go into this or that discord server. They could just direct call and use the video function there instead, no one else would interrupt them. He waited, barely breathing, until he saw the little note and . . . that indicated his friend - Tomas - was typing back to him.
Tomas poured himself another glass, pacing a little bit. He wasn't nervous exactly. Kind of. Tomas didn't know what he was, other than exhausted and buzzed. He took a long gulp and set the glass down before he went intangible for the moment. His room at the school didn't have a lot in it, kind of sparse. He decorated in warm tones, a big fan of reds and oranges, but the place just still felt like no one lived in it. The stash of empty bottles was out of sight in the closet; he got rid of one or two at a time which was a lot less than what he went through. Tomas closed his eyes to try to focus. 7:55. He wanted to at least sit in his chair for this, so he needed to really poke his trigger. He thought about that stupid experiment from college, the solitary confinement, the isolation of it. The memory of being tucked in the corner, scratching the wall, never failed him. He plopped himself in his chair and saw a message come through in discord and reached out to type a quick answer. ‘Calling!’ He took a deep breath before he clicked the button to call, and sat back in his chair a little. He glanced over at his half-empty glass and reached over to grab it as he waited for the call to connect.
Okay, cool, calling. He looked behind him briefly, realized yeah - he had basically no possessions. The wall behind him was barren, just a white wall with a small dresser and a lamp on it. His bed was visible, unmade and he probably should have thought about that before this moment. Oh well. Headset on, the call connected. He held his breath, unsure of how it was going to go - it had to be just like the facetime, right? Shit, he hadn’t thought about it at all, just ran out and got the webcam that morning. Tom’s face appeared on his screen, looking exactly like and nothing at all what Nate had imagined. He swallowed, butterflies suddenly in his stomach. Nerves, obviously, meeting people was weird right? “Hey.” He said, immediately chuckling a little because he had no idea how to appropriately handle his anxiety at the moment. “Face reveal, you can see mine right?”
The call connected and Tomas felt a smile spread across his face before he could stop it. He sat up a little more when he met Nate, he guessed, officially. This counted as meeting, in his eyes. “Hey,” he greeted. “Yeah, I see you,” he told him. And there they were. He was weirdly nervous so he took a drink of what could've been iced tea. Maybe. “Hey,” he added and he was pretty sure he'd said that twice. Oh, well. He breathed a laugh and sat back in his chair a little. Nate was cute. It was just a fact and the sooner he admitted that, the sooner he could stop being weird about it. Another thing he was, was half Tomas’ age. “Nice to meet you, Nate.”
“Oh, nice.” Good, it was working then. “Hey.” He said, a slight tinge of pink to his cheeks which was noticeable as soon as the call connected but was becoming increasingly obvious. “Nice to meet you, too.” He had some kind of vibe going on that was attractive in a way Nate didn’t know what to do with. Attraction was not something Nate had ever really… considered himself capable of being. Attractive or to find someone else attractive. What would be the point? He could never be with anyone. Or maybe it was something else, a vibe of wisdom and strength that he felt appealing. Something, something was there that had Nate gulp a little and look away briefly. They weren’t making eye contact, not really, so looking away probably wouldn’t make Tomas forget him. “So want to try the new game or uh, we could - we could play one we normally play or I mean I heard you could stream things through discord. We could watch something.” He said, suddenly quite unsure of himself.
Tomas had to restrain himself from saying ‘hey’ for a third time. He could not possibly be that weird the first time he met the guy. He talked online a lot, sometimes even like this. This felt slightly different. But he'd talked with Nate about some deep stuff, it was only natural he felt more strongly about seeing his face for the first time than he did about seeing other online penpals. “Let's watch something,” Tomas said the moment the option was presented, just about breathing a sigh of relief at the suggestion. “It's nice to relax without having to keep my hands on the controls,” he explained. “So what do you like to watch?” he asked him.
The explanation made sense to him, and he nodded. “Sure thing, I’m all for relaxing.” He agreed, perhaps a little too readily. He was just happy to be hanging out with someone - especially someone he felt like actually knew him. They’d been friends a while now. Oh, shit. He hadn’t thought about the fact that if they were going to watch something, they’d have to agree on something to watch. At this point, Nate knew very few things and none of them were like the other. He was still trying to figure out what he liked to watch. “Would it be surprising if I said I didn’t know?” He pulled up netflix, staring at the titles. “I’m still kinda new to tv, movies, all that.”
Tomas’ smile was relieved. Just getting to relax with someone, be himself, spend time without the pressure of staying solid or the fear of accidentally putting his hand through them… God, what a relief. “A little surprising, but no worries. Let me see,” he trailed off, checking out the movies they had. “Have you seen Knives Out? It's one of my favorites,” he told him.
The way his friend’s smile hit him had Nate smiling a little harder. He was relieved at not playing a game, but not because it was with him, with Nate. He was just relieved and suggesting what they should watch. Wow, maybe they really would be real friends. Not just penpals, reddit user buddies DMing each other and gaming sometimes. It was nice. “Yeah, we really had no technology where I grew up.” He wondered if he should tell him about it, how he grew up. “It was, like. A cult kind of deal.” That was - that was enough, probably. “Really remote in alaska, off grid, live off the land.” Honestly, it took many years for Nate to even realize there was more out there than their island. “Knives out? Nope, but if its one of your favorites its probably great. Let’s do that one. Is it on Netflix?”
“Wow,” Tomas actually stopped at that, his brow furrowed, looking at Nate on the screen. A cult kind of deal could mean a lot of things, but they were rarely good. He didn't want to push, but there was a concerned look for sure. “That must've been…” he trailed off, trying not to look at Nate like he was trying to study him. He hummed thoughtfully, and said, “I think on Prime,” he said. “It's good, it's a murder mystery type of thing. Really well done.”
“Yeah. I think I was almost eighteen before I realized the island we were on wasn’t the only thing in the world.” They had purposefully not taught them a lot of things - but also, Nate had rarely learned much of anything. It was only because of Kit he had a working knowledge of most things. The look Tomas was giving him, though, urged him to go on a little bit. “They all forgot I was there, when I was young. My parents forgot me, I was… I don’t know, six?” They kept trying for a little while, but eventually they just forgot him entirely. He existed to no one but Kit. Nate busied himself with pulling up Prime - he’d learned that was another one he should have, mostly for the whole ordering stuff thing but also because there were a lot of movies on there - and found Knives Out. “Want me to stream it? I think mine streams okay, shouldn’t be too laggy…”
Tomas’ heart broke a little. It was one thing to be sheltered but to be sheltered alone sounded… like Tomas’ nightmare. The one thing cults were supposed to have going for them, the reason people joined them, was the sense of belonging and community. But Nate couldn't have that if no one remembered him. “I'm so sorry,” he told him, frowning a bit. They'd never shied away from serious topics, though usually they complained and joked about their issues. Still. Tomas watched him and frowned when he busied himself. “Yeah, sure. It's probably better than my connection,” Tomas figured.
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but Nate didn’t know any better. This was his whole existence - and honestly, since he’d left the cult and found his way into the real world things had all been getting better. Sure he was still lonely and invisible, but he’d found the internet. He’d traded one cult for another with Pantheon, but at least they seemed more willing to believe he existed and put trust in him. Plus, there was Kennedy and Killian. They made him feel… kind of like he might have family. Like Kit had always made him feel. “I had a friend there, anyway, he uh, for some reason he always remembered me. Not sure why. Sorry, didn’t mean to drop all that on you.” They hadn’t ever really figured that one out, but then they hadn’t ever thought to question it much either. “Yeah my internet is pretty good its more my computer I’m worried about. Kinda hard to get things legitimately when you don’t exist.” Officially he didn’t exist, either, because who needed an ID? He got his payments through paypal, and used paypal for Amazon, and stole pretty much anything else he needed. The stream was set up and he relaxed, leaning back in his chair. “Ready for it?”
“Don't be sorry,” Tomas requested, his voice a little soft. He wanted to hear what was on Nate's mind. Maybe it was just that he liked feeling like he could be there for someone. “Yeah, I - oh, one sec, I'll just grab a drink,” Tomas moved out of frame for just a second, refilled his glass. It barely took any time at all and he was settling back into his seat. “Okay. Ready whenever you are,” he told him.
“I’ve never really - I don’t know, talked about that with anyone before.” Why he trusted an internet stranger so much, probably said a lot about Nate’s general naivety and willingness to trust anyone who gave him a modicum of attention. Tomas grabbing a drink had him jumping up for a second, too. “Oh, yeah, good idea.” The rooms did come equipped with things like mini fridges, thank God, and he was out of frame for just a moment as he got himself an energy drink and, hilariously, a very large tub of cheese balls. “Okay, ready. I mean, yeah both ready, let’s do it.” He hit play, full-screening the movie. His face was only lit up now by the screen, the background of his room gone. Tomas looked the same. It was kind of like they were in a movie theatre - something else he’d never done, but had heard about.
“I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk,” Tomas told him. Even without the psychology degree, he would've offered that. Nate was a friend. He had to grin when he saw the snacks he came back with. “Holy shit, I wish I had some cheese balls,” he admitted with a chuckle as he settled in. Took another long drink. He liked that he was going to get to see Nate's face as they watched the movie. That made it kind of fun.
Nate smiled at that, nodding. “Yeah? That’s - thank you. I’m here too, you know. I spent all my life just listening to people. I got kinda good at it.” In a sneaky way, really, but still. He learned a lot by listening. He had never been much of a talker, given his inability to really hold conversations with people until now. He was getting better at it, though. “Cheese balls are a gaming or movie night must. C’mon old man, get with it.” He said with a smirk. The flirty way that came off obviously mean that he did not think of Tomas as an old man. He tried to hide that with stuffing his face full of cheese balls, holding the giant tub in his lap like an oversized bucket of popcorn. “Oh hey, I’ve seen some of these faces.” He said excitedly, lighting up.
Tomas’ smile was warm. He didn't always like to talk, but he found it easy with Nate. “Not much to say with me,” he told him with a shrug of his shoulders. There were only so many times and different ways he could express I want to be touched again without sounding like a broken record. It was dull. He chuckled at that and rolled his eyes. “Look, in my day we had to churn our own cheese balls,” he informed him. “Gimme one,” he said and hung his mouth open as though ready to catch one that Nate threw through the screen. He liked seeing him light up. It was good. Seemed like it was needed and deserved.
“I doubt that's true. You don't seem the type to have led a totally boring life.” But he wouldn't push. There was something in his friend's face that spelled out a lifetime of hurt. A lifetime of loneliness. Nate wondered if his eyes betrayed that too. Nate laughed at the joke about churning their own cheese balls, and didn't even hesitate to toss one at the screen. Hey, maybe Tomas could make it intangible or something. Nate didn't know. Mutants could do dinner crazy shit. “Man that house is nice.” Living in LA, he's seen his fair share of nice houses butt they were so modern. “Rich people here live in these sad cold kinda homes. I'd pick that one.”
“I bet you say that to all the elderly guys,” Tomas told him. His life had been frustrating, since college. Increasingly frustrating. He wouldn't call it boring. The cheese ball did nothing but bounce off of Nate's screen but Tomas mimed catching it and chewing anyway. “Not bad. Not like the ones my abuela used to churn but,” he trailed off with a smile that almost reached his eyes. “I know, it's beautiful. I haven't spent much time in New England but they know a thing or two.”
“I only know like one guy older than thirty that isn't you.” He was pretty sure. He actually had no idea but all the Pantheon people were suspiciously young looking and hot. It was like a requirement, unless you were perpetually invisible. He snorted at the joke that they were good, because they absolutely were junk and Tomas absolutely did not get one through the screen. That one was eaten by the floor. “Your what? What's an abuela?” They definitely knew a thing or two. Nate appreciated the artistry, the warmth of a home like that. Something he'd never had. “Who's this guy?” He asked when the detective came on screen. “He's kinda arrogant.”
“Well, I'm officially jealous of not being the only old guy in your life,” Tomas grinned a bit as they joked. He raised his eyebrows and filled in quickly, “sorry, grandma. It's Spanish. I try not to do the switching back and forth thing too much but… it's like a name, practically.” Tomas scoffed at the question. “That's Benoit Blanc, detective and gay icon, and he is kinda arrogant but,” and Tomas cut off with a sigh as he felt that familiar slip. He disappeared down out of sight for just a second, he'd gone through the chair. “One sec,” he got his feet back on the floor, and he was so damn glad the soles of his feet had the tendency to at least stay solid for him most of the time. He reached up to angle the camera, as he stood, so it at least wasn't pointed at his belly button. “Sorry, I'm back.”
Nate didn't know why that made him so happy to hear. “Don't worry, I don't really talk to that other guy.” He clarified, actually meaning it. Abuela sounded like a fun name, Nate was only mildly familiar with other languages. “It's Halmeoni in Korean.” He said softly, remembering something his parents had taught him. Which wasn't a lot. The explanation was cut off by Tomas dipping out of frame and he waited for him to come back, concern written all over his face. “Hey, what just happened?” He asked, sitting up and setting the oversized cheese ball bucket on the ground. “What just made you slip?”
“Halmeoni,” Tomas echoed him, as though trying it out. He liked it. A sigh touched his lips and he shrugged a shoulder, his arms crossing loosely in front of himself. “I've got kind of a weird situation, I've got to trigger to stay solid. And my trigger is isolation.” He sighed and said, “I guess I didn't feel that isolated for a minute there.” Heaven forbid he felt connected to another human being for a second. He reached for his glass, swiped his hand through it, and huffed out an irritated breath.
Well that was just about as fucked up as Nate's. “That fucking sucks. I knew your ability sucked but… wow.” The loneliness that would entail. Nate could relate. “So basically, if you ever actually feel connected to someone you'll just become intangible?” He wasn't ignoring that he'd said he'd felt connected. Maybe that had nothing to do with him. Even through the camera, he fuzzed a little like he was going to go invisible right then and there. “That must be lonely.” He commented, unconsciously wrapping his arms around himself. “What were you going to say about Benoit?”
Tomas nodded, glancing down and away for a second. “Yeah. Neat, right?” Great trick. He took a second just to take a breath. The affirmations had gotten grittier through the years. Yes, this is bullshit. There is fuck all to do about it. Have a drink. He looked up to Nate again, brow furrowing as he went a little fuzzy. “Yeah, it is,” he told him, leaning a little bit closer as though to make sure he didn't lose him. “He's kind of arrogant but he's also kind of brilliant, which makes up for it. In a movie, anyway.”
Nate probably didn't get sarcasm as well as he should have. “I don't really think that's neat at all.” He said with a frown. “We definitely have that in common.” He agreed, shrugging. “Just two perpetually lonely men, watching movies virtually.” Nate knew a lot of arrogant people, though not a lot who were brilliant. Maybe that did make up for it. “Why is he a gay icon?”
It was endearing, that he took it literally. His smile fell only a little. Tomas felt a pang of something when Nate said he was perpetually lonely too. Poor kid. He was so young, he should have more than this. “Together, just… over here,” he sighed, and something about that made it so he could at least pick his glass up again, draining it. “Well, he's gay, you meet his husband in the sequel. And he's iconic,” Tomas explained. “He's just really clever and witty.”
Nate frowned, watching as he picked up his drink, taking a long sip of it until it was gone. He went for his energy drink, though didn’t chug it. He didn’t really want to die or anything. The energy drink made him feel real hype, so he thought it might kill him if he drank it really fast. “I think I hate that. What if I wanted to hang out in person someday? Meet you in real life? I hate it.” He repeated, the frown taking over his face. He wasn’t blurry anymore - but only because the frustration was battling the loneliness for top emotion. Gay and an icon. Clever and witty. He nodded his head, understanding. “The cult was open about that kind of thing. Being gay or whatever, but - I don’t know, it was fucked up.” He changed his mind on sharing, and settled in quietly to watch the movie for a little bit. It was, he had to admit, very interesting. “This is gonna be one of those movies where I question everything until the very end huh?”
“It's okay,” Tomas told him. “We could still hang out. I can stand up, and probably no hugs, but… we could still hang out,” he told him, surprised by how much he wanted that. It felt like Nate understood something that Tomas couldn't put into words for the others. He tilted his head slightly, looking at the screen with a bit of worry. “Fucked up how?” He asked him. The movie was great, but he was more interested in Nate and what he was talking about. “Pause it a second, tell me.” He could tell Nate had stopped talking, probably for a reason. Blame the psychologist in him for wanting to pry.
“What if I surprised you with a hug? When you weren’t expecting it?” He asked, genuinely curious. He was still watching the movie - but his attention was divided pretty equally. He found Tomas even more fascinating now than he had before they’d video chatted. Maybe because he felt more real now. Nate was surprised by Tomas asking him to pause the movie and tell him what he meant. Nate did as he was told, pausing the movie and looking mildly uncomfortable. “There was this… expectation that you had kids, like, you had to have them. So even though all the adults were… together in a way, priority was making more mutants. If you had a kid who wasn’t a mutant. Well.” They had ways of knowing. How, Nate wasn’t exactly sure but the leaders of the cult had their ways, they’d always said. “Anyway, it was a fucked up place.”
Tomas chuckled at the question. “It'd last about two seconds before I felt warm and fuzzy about it and you went through me. And then I’d completely freak out about the possibility of going tangible again before you were clear and probably cry.” It was a little too honest, but that was what he did with Nate, right? Got honest? “So it's not a bad thought but please, don't.” Tomas had thought about it, too, now and then. Sneaking a touch or even just trying to train his mind to concentrate on his trigger. It felt too risky. His brow furrowed at the explanation, and he wished he could sit because the only other choice was pacing. He tried to rein it in. “Nate, that's… that's fucked up,” he agreed. “I'm really glad you're not up there anymore. It's got to be a lot to unlearn, growing up like that.”
It felt a little bit like a rejection. Nate visibly deflated a little bit, picked up his cheese balls and started eating them, like a comfort thing. “That’s fair.” He said, and he did mean it - their powers were difficult things. It was a real fear, and a real possibility. So he understood. “I won’t.” He promised, despite the lingering feeling of hurt. “Yeah, gotta say I almost went back at first, you know? I left after my only friend did, and I thought he was dead…” He found out he wasn’t but it still was enough for him to leave. “But the world was a lot. There was so much I’d never seen.” He sighed, eating another cheese ball. That was going to be the theme tonight. Talk, be honest, eat a cheese ball. “Never did though, and i didn’t really consider it all that much. I just did what I had to and found my way enough. You helped a lot, actually.”
“I wouldn't want to hurt you,” Tomas said so genuinely, the frown deepening the utterly exhausted lines on his face. “Your hugs would be really good. Probably the best.” He could see that flicker of disappointment, maybe. “I can't let myself risk other people. It's selfish.” He frowned a little more when Nate said he'd thought about going back. It was understandable; that was the only thing he'd ever known. “You seem like you're doing a really good job, catching up to life out here,” he told him. He tilted his head a touch, a surprised smile coming to his face. “Me?”
“I don’t know, I think Kit’s the only person I’ve ever really hugged and Kit thinks all hugs are the best.” He admitted, frowning. It didn’t even dawn on him that he’d said Kit’s actual name for once. He probably shouldn’t have done that. “You’ve got… you know, years of experience. You can’t let that fear rule you forever, Tomas, it’s not fair. And wanting to touch people is not selfish.” Just like wanting to be remembered, to be seen wasn’t selfish. He knew it was different because what Tomas could do was far more dangerous, but still. “I’m dong my best.” He shrugged, essentially shrugging off the compliment. Another pause, another cheese puff. “Yeah, you. I mean, when we met on that reddit thing, I don’t know. I just learned a lot from there, it helped me navigate the world out here.”
Tomas frowned harder at that. At least he'd had a more normal life when he was younger. “I wasn't always like this, up until grad school, in college I was… actually kind of slutty,” he admitted, with a self-conscious chuckle. He shrugged again. “I've been working on it but everything just makes it worse.” He watched Nate eat his cheese puffs, a small smile lingering on his face when he mentioned how they'd met. “It helped me too,” he told him, his voice softening a lot. “You’re easy to talk to.”
Kinda slutty had him smirk. He could imagine it. Handsome didn’t tend to fade all that much over the years, so he’d noticed from the men he’d met. Tomas must have been just as much of a knockout in college. Now he was just a dignified knockout. “What happened in college?” He asked, frowning. “Is that when your ability manifested for the first time?” Nate of course had been much younger, but if it was something you didn’t know about, he could see how that might have been the first time he’d truly noticed it for what he was, if not when it actually happened the first time. Especially with an interesting trigger and how that all worked. “You too, I never expected to… trust someone like that again but, I don’t know. You just seem really good.”
Tomas shook his head slightly, and he adjusted the camera again, finally able to get his chair again. He was getting too damn old to stand up all the time. “I was a psych grad student and there's always these studies, when you're in psych. Experiments. They'd pay you like fifty bucks to, I don't know, rate which faces look more trustworthy or see how fast you can get a rat through a maze.” He had told this story so many times, it was like a practiced monologue by now. He glanced up at Nate though, and lost his place. “Solitary confinement. And I knew what my trigger was and I thought it'd be fine. And I don't - I do know what happened, it triggered some kind of psychological break. And you'd think I'd have figured out fixing it by now. Physician, heal thyself, kind of thing.” He rested his chin on his hand, looking up at the camera, and Nate, with a small smile. “So do you,” he told him. Soft. He wasn't soft with a lot of people.
He listened to Tomas intently, shocked by what had happened to him. “Oh, Tomas.” He frowned, shaking his head like he disagreed. Tomas didn't deserve that. “I'm so sorry, that's awful.” He didn't have to imagine - isolation was pretty much all he knew. Nate was well aware of how it could fuck with your head. “So, your trigger before was phasing when you felt isolated… now it's opposite?” He could only be solid feeling isolated. Which meant he was… basically the definition of forever alone. Fuck. “Don't… do that with the chin and hand and the smiling.” He groaned covering his face with his hands before briefly panicking and looking back. “You didn't forget me just now right?”
“I was an idiot,” Tomas said with a shrug. There came a point where you just had to say yeah I did something dumb. “Yeah, that's how it's manifesting. I've tried every therapeutic technique you can think of.” He couldn't help the smile that spread a little wider when Nate said that, and he tilted his head a little more. “Nope,” he told him. “Feels like that should be impossible.” He knew it was very possible. The more he thought about it and got to know Nate, the scarier the possibility felt.
“No, you were young.” Nate was sure Tomas had tried everything, but he felt so compelled to just… fix it for him. “Everything… except mutant fixes?” He questioned, brow raised. “I knew someone once. Telepath helped reverse some kind of… trauma psychically I don't know.” It was something, at least. He was very much not not doing the thing and Nate groaned again once reassured that he wasn't forgotten. “I wish that were true.” He said with a laugh that had no humor in it. “You're just.” He blurter, and then went quiet again. Cheese balls. Eat the cheese balls and stop talking. “Distracting from the movie we forgot about…” He recovered, sort of.
“I've tried a thing or two but… I don't exactly relish the thought of people poking around in my head, unless I knew it'd work.” He leaned forward a little. “If you thought that person you knew could help,” he trailed off. “Maybe I'd try.” He wanted to reach out, to hug him, even from over here. He still had those instincts sometimes. He started to slip. He thought about how he'd never touch Nate. He stopped slipping. He chuckled at that, biting his lower lip to try to stop himself from smiling quite at wide. “Then hit play, you're the one with the controls.”
“I don't think anyone would but, maybe it'd work. You know any other mutants? I could ask and you could ask.” He was determined, honestly. “Maybe we can find something for me, too.” Though maybe if he just didn't feel so lonely, he could be seen. He wasn't sure though. He'd never been able to be seen, not that he could remember. Just by Kit. Biting his lip reading didn't help either. He practically choked on his latest cheese ball and washed it down with energy drink. Yeah that was definitely not helping him be less weird and awkward. “Right, I do, totally.” He put the movie back on. Paying attention, 100%.
“I know some,” Tomas told him. He didn't say much about where he lived or worked, even to Nate. “I appreciate that you'd do that. I'll ask around for you, too.” He smiled a little at the look on Nate's face. Awkward was kind of cute on him. He leaned back in his chair, relaxing to watch the movie.
Nate didn't say much about what he did, either. In fact, he was surprised he was getting away with barely revealing anything about how he lived. After a moment of silence he paused the movie again, “It's just, you're an attractive man and I'm… Then you give me that look? How am I supposed to focus on a movie or anything really.” He looked somewhat akin to wanting to be the one able to sink into the floor right about now.
The smile that came across Tomas’ face was downright wicked. He reached up thoughtfully, chewed on the tip of his finger for a second which was a flirtatious thing but also a drunk thing. Nate didn't need to know that. “You're?” he asked, chasing the end of that sentence that Nate had interrupted himself over. “You're what?” He leaned forward again, giving him that look but his eyes were lit up a bit more this time.
“I'm…” What was he going to say? He wasn't going to be self deprecating but admitting the truth sounded even more embarrassing, so Nate just sat there for a moment, transfixed. He had to know exactly what he was doing. The way his eyes were all lit up. He huffed. “And I'm a man, you know, who obviously never has and never will have any sort of physical interaction, so.” He was blushing himself into oblivion now. “Okay forget I said any of that I'd rather be invisible than remember how embarrassing that was.”
Tomas felt bad. A bit. He was still really enjoying the flirting, but he could commiserate with Nate's loneliness. “Hey, you don't have to be embarrassed,” he told him, shifting a little closer to the camera. “And I'm sorry if it seemed like I was teasing you. I'm not, you're just really cute. And you blush, and a man like me who can't touch anybody doesn't make a pretty guy that flustered very often.”
Getting closer to the camera wasn't helping but Nate really didn't care, he liked seeing his face so clearly. He also just liked being looked at. No one had ever looked at him like that. It was very flustering. “It's fine, I like the teasing.” He qualified, laughing a little. “It sucks and I hate it and keep doing it.” He said, grinning ear to ear now. “Maybe I'll figure out how to make you blush.”
Tomas laughed a truly amused laugh at that. It sucked, he hated it, keep doing it. He could absolutely relate. “I'm sure you'll come up with something,” he told him, matching his smile with one of his own. He was fairly sure that he could make eyes at Nate all night. He rested his chin on his hand again. “You should give me your number, we can FaceTime,” he told him.
How, he didn't know. Nate wasn't good at this. He was a lot of talk got someone who had exactly one long term friend his whole life who grew up in the same fucked up, sheltered place he had. His year of exploration hadn't helped at all, except learning about the world. “Okay. Yeah, you can have my number.” He agreed probably too readily. He leaned on his desk down, almost a mirror of Tomas’s position. “Only if you list me as cute Nate.”
Tomas laughed again, nodding a little. “Fair. I-” he trailed off, laughing again as he ran his fingers through his hair, almost nervous about what he'd almost just let himself say. “I will not make a suggestion about what you can list me as. Tomas is just fine.” He really needed to not drink quite so much when he was talking to Nate. “Cute Nate it is.”
Oh no, that wasn't going to fly. “You what? You asked me to say what I was going to, your turn.” He asked, almost a little daring. He was getting his cute Nate title though, so he was happy with that. Nate rarely gave his phone number out so he had to look it up again just to make sure what it was. Once up, he relayed the number to Tomas.
Tomas liked the daring thing on him. It was a good look. He took his number down and saved it as Cute Nate. And he might've blushed a little; it was impossible to tell, he covered his face for a second, scrubbing his hand over the day-old stubble. “I was going to say you could list me as either Abuelito or Papi, but that was a joke because of how old I am, not an actual suggestion. I will die,” he told him, trying to hide that he was laughing a little. More of a titter, really.
That blush was almost caught- but Nate was sure he was kidding himself. He was pretty sure it wasn't going to be that easy. He'd have to think of something good, for maybe the next time they hung out. He didn't need an explanation for what Papi meant, he'd heard that one before, and had to laugh a little at the thought. “Papi could work. I'd never confused you with another Tomas. Not that I know any.”
“Why did I do this,” Tomas sighed, breathing out the words, chiding himself. Nate didn't know the power he wielded now. “You- you cannot call me that out loud,” he had his hands pressed together in front of his mouth for a second, a little like begging pose, looking at him around his hands. “ Please pretend I never even joked.” He was blushing so hard he thought he might break the RGB configuration for his camera.
Maybe Nate was catching on to the power he held now, because he saw that blush on the screen clear as day and the way Tomas was speaking with that what have I done? tone of voice, Nate had a pretty good idea he didn’t dislike being called Papi because it made him feel old. “I can’t call you Papi out loud?” He teased, now leaning back in his own chair with a very self-satisfied smile on his face. Well, that was easier than he thought! He didn’t even have to do anything. Tomas shot himself in the foot with that one. He chuckled though. “I won’t. Mostly. That’s definitely going to be your name in my phone, though.” Nate was obviously serious about that one.
Tomas hung his head back over the back of his chair. “I'm a cliche, I'm a disappointment,” he said but he was laughing. “The older man, the Papi - God, what a stereotype.” Worth it to hear Nate say it though? Maybe. “Well, I guess I can't control what you put in your phone,” he said and texted Nate a quick winking face emoji so he'd have his number.
“That’s a stereotype?” He wasn’t super well versed in stereotypes, considering ninety-percent of his life had been lived in a commune of people who’s only goal was to create some kind of super mutant or something through breeding or whatever. Not that Nate really knew that, he just sort of guessed that was the point of it all. His phone buzzed which made him jump a little. It still surprised him to get actual text messages. The smile on his face at the winky emoji though was wide - really wide, like he’d forgotten he could actively been seen. Which he did often, it was kind of a problem. “You sure can’t Papi, sorry.” Nate grinned again and unpaused the movie probably for the last time. “We’re probably going to have to watch this again at some point.” He said with a laugh.
Tomas breathed a laugh, nodding. Was it ever a stereotype. And he was just a living, breathing example of it, the way he was getting over hearing Nate say it again. Unfair. “Yeah, well, whose fault is that?” he grinned back at him, trying to focus on the movie. It was a lot of effort not to steal glances over at Nate's side of the screen.
“Your fault, I think, for being so distracting.” He accused without any malice, just popped another cheese ball into his mouth like they weren’t absolutely disgusting and he should be eating way, way less of them. Oh, energy drink too, because that was going to help him calm down. He, too, was stealing glances at the screen Tomas’s face was on, sometimes catching his eye when he did so. “Question.”
“About the movie or about things that are distracting us from the movie?” Tomas asked before he grinned, looking over to meet Nate's eye on the screen. “I mean, ask me either one.” He leaned forward a bit, fully curious. Whether it was about him, about Knives Out which they'd barely paid attention to and Tomas could barely follow despite having seen it like seven times before. He had no idea how Nate was following it at all.
“Neither, really.” He said, using a napkin nearby to wipe cheese dust fully off his fingers and lean back in his chair again. “What happens when you sleep? I mean - if you were to fall asleep not feeling lonely, would you phase into your bed? And then get stuck in there?” Nate was curious by nature, he was so used to being able to find things out without asking. Following people, watching. No one ever caught him, he’d learned a lot more than he should have that way. He couldn’t do that here.
“It doesn't happen when I sleep,” Tomas answered with a shrug. “I have two theories about it. It's that either I'm ingrained with a constant enough amount of isolation that it's good enough to keep me solid to sleep or… whatever it is that happens isn't subconscious enough to be effecting me in my sleep.” Tomas didn't know. He'd thought about it a few times but he hadn't come up with a good answer. “What do you think?” he asked him.
“I don’t know - you say it takes some effort, to keep yourself solid, which means you have to feel isolated all the time. That can’t be easy, but it is easier at night to feel truly alone.” He thought more likely it was just that sleep didn’t affect it, but his worked even during sleep. So maybe Tomas’s worked during sleep too. Well, that ruined it for him. “Hm. I’d hope its the second bit and it just doesn’t work, but.” Probably shouldn’t test that. “I was just curious. Which one do you think it is most likely?”
Tomas hesitated for a second, stealing a glance at Nate. He never really told anyone this, it felt too vulnerable to say. But here he was, saying it to Nate. “I have dreams that I'm not alone.” It felt too honest. He wanted to swallow another glass full of rum to cover it up again. But he didn't. “So I'm leaning toward the second.”
“Me too.” He said softly, frowning. “I dream everyone can see me, and they all ask Nate! How you been? It’s been ages since you’ve come around! Like they can remember who I was, too…” It was such a lonely existence, Nate fuzzed at the edges again, feeling that loneliness so deep in his bones he thought he’d choke on it. “It’s crazy that one of the first mutants I meet outside the… commune, cult, whatever it was… is someone I can relate so much to.”
Nate broke his heart, really. He could've touched other people but really, he couldn't, other than that one friend he'd mentioned. “Sometimes I dream about someone running their fingers through my hair. Or letting me hold them while we were sleeping.” He could see the fuzziness in Nate for a second, and it made him want to reach through the screen. “I know. I've known others, but it's not the same. Not like this.”
“I don’t think people can really comprehend how awful it feels to be like this. You know, a guy thought I was just a hallucination? I’ve been called an imaginary friend more times than I can count.” He prattled on, frustrated. He really shouldn’t be revealing how many mutants he knew, though. That might prompt questions Nate couldn’t answer. His heart broke for Tomas, too, hearing what it was he dreamt about more specifically. Watching people without being able to comfort them in the way he wanted to, like watching his momma cry because she couldn’t remember who she was forgetting but knowing somewhere in her chest that it was important, and Nate was powerless to help her. He actually cried, a little, and had to look away quickly to wipe his face, coughing. “Sorry, cheese ball dust.” he said, clearing his throat and turning back when he’d composed himself. “I was - well, if you ever wanted to fall asleep on the phone…”
Tomas frowned at the thought that Nate was just a figment of so many people's imaginations, or so they thought. “They wish they had an imagination good enough to think up someone like you,” he scoffed. He thought he would do anything to just go wherever Nate was right now, but he couldn't. And even if he could, he couldn't. And even if he could, he couldn't do anything to help anyway. “Yeah?” Tomas perked up a little at that. “Can we? I'd really like that.”
That was comforting, honestly. It gave him a little bit of confidence he didn’t have and he sat up a little straighter, a smile on his face. “Yeah, they wish.” He agreed with a laugh, shaking his head. “I mean they’d also probably have to be a little fuckign weird to think up someone like me, but you know.” Two sides of the same coin, really. Tomas perking up at his suggestion had him perking up as well, and he smiled when Tomas asked if they could, that he’d like that. “Yeah? I mean, yeah. Yeah we can try it. I think it might be nice.” There was no way, aside from on the phone, that Nate would likely ever get to fall asleep with someone. Not who wouldn’t wake up in the morning really, really confused. “Yeah, we should do that.”
Tomas wrinkled his nose a little in reply. “I must be very strange then, if I'm planning on trying to dream you,” he joked lightly. And he nodded his agreement, and out of view of the camera he hit dial on the FaceTime to call Cute Nate. He waited, watching the screen, for him to answer it. When he did, he smiled at the screen. “Let's go to bed.”
His phone made him jump again and he laughed when he saw Papi calling pop up on the screen. He answered without hesitation, grinning. “Yeah, let's go.” All pretenses of watching the movie abandoned, he waved an awkward goodbye to the Tomas on his computer screen and signed off, turning it off with one quick click and then heading towards bed. “I'm probably going to toss and turn all night.” He warned.
Tomas smiled a bit and turned his own computer off, and headed toward his bed. “Once I'm out, I'm out. You're not waking me up with a little tossing and turning,” Tomas assured him as he got into bed, under the covers before he shifted and wiggled and got out of his pants where Nate couldn't bear witness to the horrors. He couldn't sleep in pants. He lay on his side, trying to prop his phone up on his pillow so he could see him still.
Nate had already been in pajamas, and he was the type to sleep in pjs. Something about the extra warmth just… made him feel better. He’d always been cold in Alaska. Sliding into bed, he did the same thing Tomas did and propped it up on his pillow, laying on his side. “Oh so you’re one of those dudes who sleeps like the dead?” He was very much the opposite of that. “I mostly meant that I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep, I’m pretty… antsy, I guess.”
Tomas didn't want to tell him that it was technically ‘passing out’ thanks to his BAC. He just nodded a little with a smile. “If we were, you know, more normal, I'd just put my big heavy arm on you like a weighted blanket and you'd probably be a little less antsy,” he told him. If they could be really together, he'd wrap his arms around Nate so damn tight and they'd both have the best sleep of their life, he thought.
Nate had never talked like this with anyone. Once, Kit and Nate had fallen asleep together and Nate had slid over to cuddle, as terrified as he was to do so, and Kit had thrown an arm over him just like that. They were little, and it felt like having his parents back, cuddling him. It had hurt him so much, made him so lonely he never did it again. “That would be nice.” He agreed, biting his lip. It was clear on his face his mind was somewhere else entirely now, all sadness and content mixed together. “Someday we'll have the control. I know it.”
“Hey,” Tomas’ voice was soft, strong but soft, with a little gravel in it from being sleepy. “Talk to me, cariño. What's this face about?” He let his head rest on his arm, angled so he could see Nate, but still more restful than he'd been in a while, with anyone else around him.
“You're too good at this body and face reading thing.” He said, chuckling softly. Nate also wasn't used to people being able to see his face and read him like that. “This is just… intimate, you know? I was like eight the last time I cuddled someone and I swore I'd never do that again because it made me feel lonelier, knowing that without them I'd never have it again.” Never was too strong a word probably, but Nate had always dealt in absolutes. That was just ‘the way things were’ for him. It was better to deal that way, without any other real hopes. He couldn't be hurt that way. “I'm a little scared, is all. Letting people get to know me, it's all new. I don't… want to hope.”
“Sorry,” Tomas chuckled. “You get good at reading faces when you can't touch them, I guess.” He couldn't blame his psychology degree for this one. Emotional intimacy was all he had. “Yeah,” Tomas agreed, letting his eyes close for a second, and he swallowed hard. “I know what you mean. Hoping is a scary thing. I spent so many years reaching for people and hoping…” He opened his eyes again and looked over at Nate again. God, he was beautiful. “If I ever make it too hard for you, you let me know, okay? I don't want talking to me to hurt.”
Nate barely noticed faces anymore. Only eyes, when he made contact and could be seen. Except… for Kennedy, really. He'd noticed her face. It wasn't often anyone truly wanted to be friends. “I'll let you know. It's not too difficult yet.” He said with a smile, shifting a little so he could put a hand under his face, propping him up just a little so he could look at Tomas. “Same goes to you, Papi.” He said playfully, trying not to keep darkening the mood. “Seriously though, friendships are supposed to be good. If you're hurting… that's the last thing I'd ever want.”
Tomas groaned at that, the tone and the word and he hid his face against his arm for a second. “I've created a monster,” he informed Nate but he was smiling. “Seriously. It's very hard to keep things in my mind SFW when you're pulling out the Papi on me.” But he was still smiling. “Me too,” he agreed. “And I know it's scary and you don't want to but, I want you to have hope. Okay? It hurts, I know it does. But you're too great to give up. You've got too much time left in front of you.”
“A thousand percent. I mean, seeing the look on your face has made it impossible for me not to say it.” He replied with way too much enthusiasm on his face for the solemn tone he was attempting to portray. Really, Nate wasn't sure if he wanted to keep things safe for work, but his insane lack of experience kept him from commenting on it. He wouldn't even know what to say. Nate frowned, the idea of having so much time felt far more depressing than Tomas probably intended. “I'll try, but I can't promise I'm capable of that.”
Tomas couldn't fault him for that. “I know if I had the same power in my hands I wouldn't be able to resist it either,” he confessed. He'd totally give in and do it all the time. “I'm gonna have to just start calling you stuff and see what makes you get a look on your face.” He nodded a little. “Yeah, I know. But try, a little, sometimes. God, you are so worth knowing,” he told him.
“Probably won't be difficult, nearly everything makes me blush.” He said… blushing. Rude. Mostly it was anything Tomas said. Nate had more or less been blushing this entire freaking time. Nate didn't readily agree with that point, not sure if he was really worth getting to know or not. Kit would probably argue, Kennedy too. Or maybe they all just felt bad for him. Tell the guy you could never really connect with nice things. No commitment there. “I'll try.” He promised, still frowning. “Only cause you asked.”
“Oh, you blush all the time. You know I'm not just talking about blushing.” He grinned a little. He did like the blushing. Cute Nate more than earned his contact name. “Then thanks,” he said. “I guess I owe you one. I will attempt one act of self care at your degree.” Tomas put his hand where Nate's waist would be if he was here and he was really laying in that place and then he felt silly so pulled it back.
Nate laughed, shaking his head even though yeah, that was true. “Noooo I definitely don't.” He did, he really did. “I know that's not what you meant though.” He sighed. “Honestly just looking at me…” He ran his hand through his hair, smirking. He rose a brow in an amused way, “Ooh one whole attempt at an act of self care? Wow, we should make promises like this more often.”
“Just looking at you?” Tomas had to ask, teasing him a little. Because there was looking at him and then there was looking at him the way he had been earlier, when he'd gotten Nate all flustered. Eyefucking was how to best describe it. “We should. Honestly, it'd probably be good for us,” he told him. His head propped up, he watched him. He liked watching him, he was cute.
“You know how you were looking at me.” He said with another grin, covering his face with his hands now. “Don’t make me say it. I don’t even know how to describe it.” He was dying, but he was still genuinely amused and having a nice time, so, there was that. Tomas was probably right, it would likely be good for the both of them to not only do more self care, but be held accountable for said promises. “Yeah? I’d - yeah, I’d like that. We should, you know, do that. For each other. For ourselves.”
“I'm gonna make you say it,” Tomas laughed, watching him, and the way he covered his hands. It was nice, it was almost-innocent flirting. It was a flutter in his chest of excitement and possibility. “We should,” Tomas agreed with a little smile. “Kinda make each other take care of ourselves. I don't know about you but I'm not always the best at it.”
“Never gonna say it.” He said with a laugh, somehow feeling tired after all the fake processed cheese powder and energy drinks. Maybe it was finally connecting with someone on such a level, the flirting, the laughter. So many good experiences was kind of exhausting. “We should, though, yeah. I pretty much have only taken care of myself in the sense of surviving, so. We should do that. Promise I’ll help you take care of you.” He said, his voice fading out until he fell asleep.
WHERE: Their respective rooms; I.E. On Discord
WHEN: Backdated; a few days after the Ritual.
WARNINGS: SLots of innuendo, language, adult situations, cult talk, torture/psychology experiments, unethical experimentation, loneliness
STATUS: Complete
Why he trusted an internet stranger so much, probably said a lot about Nate’s general naivety and willingness to trust anyone who gave him a modicum of attention.
Nate was in his room - provided ‘free’ for him at the Spa from Pantheon. He did work there, so it wasn’t exactly free. He didn’t get like a crazy livable wage AND free room and board. It wasn’t even one of the nice rooms - it was under the main spa itself, in the lower levels like everything else Pantheon related was. No real windows. Still, it was private and no one ever bothered him because he barely had any friends. Not to mention, talking in person was still really difficult. His computer was already booted up, discord on the side and the game open too. He had been staring at the clock since at least seven-thirty, casually browsing reddit and fucking around on youtube until it was almost eight o’clock. He tapped his finger on the mouse, softly but constant. Nervous energy ran through him and he wondered just what about this was so nervewracking. What did it matter? Tomas was just some dude he played games with. Courage gathered, Nate shot a message over to Tomas. Hey. Call? he asked, not bothering with suggesting they go into this or that discord server. They could just direct call and use the video function there instead, no one else would interrupt them. He waited, barely breathing, until he saw the little note and . . . that indicated his friend - Tomas - was typing back to him.
Tomas poured himself another glass, pacing a little bit. He wasn't nervous exactly. Kind of. Tomas didn't know what he was, other than exhausted and buzzed. He took a long gulp and set the glass down before he went intangible for the moment. His room at the school didn't have a lot in it, kind of sparse. He decorated in warm tones, a big fan of reds and oranges, but the place just still felt like no one lived in it. The stash of empty bottles was out of sight in the closet; he got rid of one or two at a time which was a lot less than what he went through. Tomas closed his eyes to try to focus. 7:55. He wanted to at least sit in his chair for this, so he needed to really poke his trigger. He thought about that stupid experiment from college, the solitary confinement, the isolation of it. The memory of being tucked in the corner, scratching the wall, never failed him. He plopped himself in his chair and saw a message come through in discord and reached out to type a quick answer. ‘Calling!’ He took a deep breath before he clicked the button to call, and sat back in his chair a little. He glanced over at his half-empty glass and reached over to grab it as he waited for the call to connect.
Okay, cool, calling. He looked behind him briefly, realized yeah - he had basically no possessions. The wall behind him was barren, just a white wall with a small dresser and a lamp on it. His bed was visible, unmade and he probably should have thought about that before this moment. Oh well. Headset on, the call connected. He held his breath, unsure of how it was going to go - it had to be just like the facetime, right? Shit, he hadn’t thought about it at all, just ran out and got the webcam that morning. Tom’s face appeared on his screen, looking exactly like and nothing at all what Nate had imagined. He swallowed, butterflies suddenly in his stomach. Nerves, obviously, meeting people was weird right? “Hey.” He said, immediately chuckling a little because he had no idea how to appropriately handle his anxiety at the moment. “Face reveal, you can see mine right?”
The call connected and Tomas felt a smile spread across his face before he could stop it. He sat up a little more when he met Nate, he guessed, officially. This counted as meeting, in his eyes. “Hey,” he greeted. “Yeah, I see you,” he told him. And there they were. He was weirdly nervous so he took a drink of what could've been iced tea. Maybe. “Hey,” he added and he was pretty sure he'd said that twice. Oh, well. He breathed a laugh and sat back in his chair a little. Nate was cute. It was just a fact and the sooner he admitted that, the sooner he could stop being weird about it. Another thing he was, was half Tomas’ age. “Nice to meet you, Nate.”
“Oh, nice.” Good, it was working then. “Hey.” He said, a slight tinge of pink to his cheeks which was noticeable as soon as the call connected but was becoming increasingly obvious. “Nice to meet you, too.” He had some kind of vibe going on that was attractive in a way Nate didn’t know what to do with. Attraction was not something Nate had ever really… considered himself capable of being. Attractive or to find someone else attractive. What would be the point? He could never be with anyone. Or maybe it was something else, a vibe of wisdom and strength that he felt appealing. Something, something was there that had Nate gulp a little and look away briefly. They weren’t making eye contact, not really, so looking away probably wouldn’t make Tomas forget him. “So want to try the new game or uh, we could - we could play one we normally play or I mean I heard you could stream things through discord. We could watch something.” He said, suddenly quite unsure of himself.
Tomas had to restrain himself from saying ‘hey’ for a third time. He could not possibly be that weird the first time he met the guy. He talked online a lot, sometimes even like this. This felt slightly different. But he'd talked with Nate about some deep stuff, it was only natural he felt more strongly about seeing his face for the first time than he did about seeing other online penpals. “Let's watch something,” Tomas said the moment the option was presented, just about breathing a sigh of relief at the suggestion. “It's nice to relax without having to keep my hands on the controls,” he explained. “So what do you like to watch?” he asked him.
The explanation made sense to him, and he nodded. “Sure thing, I’m all for relaxing.” He agreed, perhaps a little too readily. He was just happy to be hanging out with someone - especially someone he felt like actually knew him. They’d been friends a while now. Oh, shit. He hadn’t thought about the fact that if they were going to watch something, they’d have to agree on something to watch. At this point, Nate knew very few things and none of them were like the other. He was still trying to figure out what he liked to watch. “Would it be surprising if I said I didn’t know?” He pulled up netflix, staring at the titles. “I’m still kinda new to tv, movies, all that.”
Tomas’ smile was relieved. Just getting to relax with someone, be himself, spend time without the pressure of staying solid or the fear of accidentally putting his hand through them… God, what a relief. “A little surprising, but no worries. Let me see,” he trailed off, checking out the movies they had. “Have you seen Knives Out? It's one of my favorites,” he told him.
The way his friend’s smile hit him had Nate smiling a little harder. He was relieved at not playing a game, but not because it was with him, with Nate. He was just relieved and suggesting what they should watch. Wow, maybe they really would be real friends. Not just penpals, reddit user buddies DMing each other and gaming sometimes. It was nice. “Yeah, we really had no technology where I grew up.” He wondered if he should tell him about it, how he grew up. “It was, like. A cult kind of deal.” That was - that was enough, probably. “Really remote in alaska, off grid, live off the land.” Honestly, it took many years for Nate to even realize there was more out there than their island. “Knives out? Nope, but if its one of your favorites its probably great. Let’s do that one. Is it on Netflix?”
“Wow,” Tomas actually stopped at that, his brow furrowed, looking at Nate on the screen. A cult kind of deal could mean a lot of things, but they were rarely good. He didn't want to push, but there was a concerned look for sure. “That must've been…” he trailed off, trying not to look at Nate like he was trying to study him. He hummed thoughtfully, and said, “I think on Prime,” he said. “It's good, it's a murder mystery type of thing. Really well done.”
“Yeah. I think I was almost eighteen before I realized the island we were on wasn’t the only thing in the world.” They had purposefully not taught them a lot of things - but also, Nate had rarely learned much of anything. It was only because of Kit he had a working knowledge of most things. The look Tomas was giving him, though, urged him to go on a little bit. “They all forgot I was there, when I was young. My parents forgot me, I was… I don’t know, six?” They kept trying for a little while, but eventually they just forgot him entirely. He existed to no one but Kit. Nate busied himself with pulling up Prime - he’d learned that was another one he should have, mostly for the whole ordering stuff thing but also because there were a lot of movies on there - and found Knives Out. “Want me to stream it? I think mine streams okay, shouldn’t be too laggy…”
Tomas’ heart broke a little. It was one thing to be sheltered but to be sheltered alone sounded… like Tomas’ nightmare. The one thing cults were supposed to have going for them, the reason people joined them, was the sense of belonging and community. But Nate couldn't have that if no one remembered him. “I'm so sorry,” he told him, frowning a bit. They'd never shied away from serious topics, though usually they complained and joked about their issues. Still. Tomas watched him and frowned when he busied himself. “Yeah, sure. It's probably better than my connection,” Tomas figured.
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but Nate didn’t know any better. This was his whole existence - and honestly, since he’d left the cult and found his way into the real world things had all been getting better. Sure he was still lonely and invisible, but he’d found the internet. He’d traded one cult for another with Pantheon, but at least they seemed more willing to believe he existed and put trust in him. Plus, there was Kennedy and Killian. They made him feel… kind of like he might have family. Like Kit had always made him feel. “I had a friend there, anyway, he uh, for some reason he always remembered me. Not sure why. Sorry, didn’t mean to drop all that on you.” They hadn’t ever really figured that one out, but then they hadn’t ever thought to question it much either. “Yeah my internet is pretty good its more my computer I’m worried about. Kinda hard to get things legitimately when you don’t exist.” Officially he didn’t exist, either, because who needed an ID? He got his payments through paypal, and used paypal for Amazon, and stole pretty much anything else he needed. The stream was set up and he relaxed, leaning back in his chair. “Ready for it?”
“Don't be sorry,” Tomas requested, his voice a little soft. He wanted to hear what was on Nate's mind. Maybe it was just that he liked feeling like he could be there for someone. “Yeah, I - oh, one sec, I'll just grab a drink,” Tomas moved out of frame for just a second, refilled his glass. It barely took any time at all and he was settling back into his seat. “Okay. Ready whenever you are,” he told him.
“I’ve never really - I don’t know, talked about that with anyone before.” Why he trusted an internet stranger so much, probably said a lot about Nate’s general naivety and willingness to trust anyone who gave him a modicum of attention. Tomas grabbing a drink had him jumping up for a second, too. “Oh, yeah, good idea.” The rooms did come equipped with things like mini fridges, thank God, and he was out of frame for just a moment as he got himself an energy drink and, hilariously, a very large tub of cheese balls. “Okay, ready. I mean, yeah both ready, let’s do it.” He hit play, full-screening the movie. His face was only lit up now by the screen, the background of his room gone. Tomas looked the same. It was kind of like they were in a movie theatre - something else he’d never done, but had heard about.
“I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk,” Tomas told him. Even without the psychology degree, he would've offered that. Nate was a friend. He had to grin when he saw the snacks he came back with. “Holy shit, I wish I had some cheese balls,” he admitted with a chuckle as he settled in. Took another long drink. He liked that he was going to get to see Nate's face as they watched the movie. That made it kind of fun.
Nate smiled at that, nodding. “Yeah? That’s - thank you. I’m here too, you know. I spent all my life just listening to people. I got kinda good at it.” In a sneaky way, really, but still. He learned a lot by listening. He had never been much of a talker, given his inability to really hold conversations with people until now. He was getting better at it, though. “Cheese balls are a gaming or movie night must. C’mon old man, get with it.” He said with a smirk. The flirty way that came off obviously mean that he did not think of Tomas as an old man. He tried to hide that with stuffing his face full of cheese balls, holding the giant tub in his lap like an oversized bucket of popcorn. “Oh hey, I’ve seen some of these faces.” He said excitedly, lighting up.
Tomas’ smile was warm. He didn't always like to talk, but he found it easy with Nate. “Not much to say with me,” he told him with a shrug of his shoulders. There were only so many times and different ways he could express I want to be touched again without sounding like a broken record. It was dull. He chuckled at that and rolled his eyes. “Look, in my day we had to churn our own cheese balls,” he informed him. “Gimme one,” he said and hung his mouth open as though ready to catch one that Nate threw through the screen. He liked seeing him light up. It was good. Seemed like it was needed and deserved.
“I doubt that's true. You don't seem the type to have led a totally boring life.” But he wouldn't push. There was something in his friend's face that spelled out a lifetime of hurt. A lifetime of loneliness. Nate wondered if his eyes betrayed that too. Nate laughed at the joke about churning their own cheese balls, and didn't even hesitate to toss one at the screen. Hey, maybe Tomas could make it intangible or something. Nate didn't know. Mutants could do dinner crazy shit. “Man that house is nice.” Living in LA, he's seen his fair share of nice houses butt they were so modern. “Rich people here live in these sad cold kinda homes. I'd pick that one.”
“I bet you say that to all the elderly guys,” Tomas told him. His life had been frustrating, since college. Increasingly frustrating. He wouldn't call it boring. The cheese ball did nothing but bounce off of Nate's screen but Tomas mimed catching it and chewing anyway. “Not bad. Not like the ones my abuela used to churn but,” he trailed off with a smile that almost reached his eyes. “I know, it's beautiful. I haven't spent much time in New England but they know a thing or two.”
“I only know like one guy older than thirty that isn't you.” He was pretty sure. He actually had no idea but all the Pantheon people were suspiciously young looking and hot. It was like a requirement, unless you were perpetually invisible. He snorted at the joke that they were good, because they absolutely were junk and Tomas absolutely did not get one through the screen. That one was eaten by the floor. “Your what? What's an abuela?” They definitely knew a thing or two. Nate appreciated the artistry, the warmth of a home like that. Something he'd never had. “Who's this guy?” He asked when the detective came on screen. “He's kinda arrogant.”
“Well, I'm officially jealous of not being the only old guy in your life,” Tomas grinned a bit as they joked. He raised his eyebrows and filled in quickly, “sorry, grandma. It's Spanish. I try not to do the switching back and forth thing too much but… it's like a name, practically.” Tomas scoffed at the question. “That's Benoit Blanc, detective and gay icon, and he is kinda arrogant but,” and Tomas cut off with a sigh as he felt that familiar slip. He disappeared down out of sight for just a second, he'd gone through the chair. “One sec,” he got his feet back on the floor, and he was so damn glad the soles of his feet had the tendency to at least stay solid for him most of the time. He reached up to angle the camera, as he stood, so it at least wasn't pointed at his belly button. “Sorry, I'm back.”
Nate didn't know why that made him so happy to hear. “Don't worry, I don't really talk to that other guy.” He clarified, actually meaning it. Abuela sounded like a fun name, Nate was only mildly familiar with other languages. “It's Halmeoni in Korean.” He said softly, remembering something his parents had taught him. Which wasn't a lot. The explanation was cut off by Tomas dipping out of frame and he waited for him to come back, concern written all over his face. “Hey, what just happened?” He asked, sitting up and setting the oversized cheese ball bucket on the ground. “What just made you slip?”
“Halmeoni,” Tomas echoed him, as though trying it out. He liked it. A sigh touched his lips and he shrugged a shoulder, his arms crossing loosely in front of himself. “I've got kind of a weird situation, I've got to trigger to stay solid. And my trigger is isolation.” He sighed and said, “I guess I didn't feel that isolated for a minute there.” Heaven forbid he felt connected to another human being for a second. He reached for his glass, swiped his hand through it, and huffed out an irritated breath.
Well that was just about as fucked up as Nate's. “That fucking sucks. I knew your ability sucked but… wow.” The loneliness that would entail. Nate could relate. “So basically, if you ever actually feel connected to someone you'll just become intangible?” He wasn't ignoring that he'd said he'd felt connected. Maybe that had nothing to do with him. Even through the camera, he fuzzed a little like he was going to go invisible right then and there. “That must be lonely.” He commented, unconsciously wrapping his arms around himself. “What were you going to say about Benoit?”
Tomas nodded, glancing down and away for a second. “Yeah. Neat, right?” Great trick. He took a second just to take a breath. The affirmations had gotten grittier through the years. Yes, this is bullshit. There is fuck all to do about it. Have a drink. He looked up to Nate again, brow furrowing as he went a little fuzzy. “Yeah, it is,” he told him, leaning a little bit closer as though to make sure he didn't lose him. “He's kind of arrogant but he's also kind of brilliant, which makes up for it. In a movie, anyway.”
Nate probably didn't get sarcasm as well as he should have. “I don't really think that's neat at all.” He said with a frown. “We definitely have that in common.” He agreed, shrugging. “Just two perpetually lonely men, watching movies virtually.” Nate knew a lot of arrogant people, though not a lot who were brilliant. Maybe that did make up for it. “Why is he a gay icon?”
It was endearing, that he took it literally. His smile fell only a little. Tomas felt a pang of something when Nate said he was perpetually lonely too. Poor kid. He was so young, he should have more than this. “Together, just… over here,” he sighed, and something about that made it so he could at least pick his glass up again, draining it. “Well, he's gay, you meet his husband in the sequel. And he's iconic,” Tomas explained. “He's just really clever and witty.”
Nate frowned, watching as he picked up his drink, taking a long sip of it until it was gone. He went for his energy drink, though didn’t chug it. He didn’t really want to die or anything. The energy drink made him feel real hype, so he thought it might kill him if he drank it really fast. “I think I hate that. What if I wanted to hang out in person someday? Meet you in real life? I hate it.” He repeated, the frown taking over his face. He wasn’t blurry anymore - but only because the frustration was battling the loneliness for top emotion. Gay and an icon. Clever and witty. He nodded his head, understanding. “The cult was open about that kind of thing. Being gay or whatever, but - I don’t know, it was fucked up.” He changed his mind on sharing, and settled in quietly to watch the movie for a little bit. It was, he had to admit, very interesting. “This is gonna be one of those movies where I question everything until the very end huh?”
“It's okay,” Tomas told him. “We could still hang out. I can stand up, and probably no hugs, but… we could still hang out,” he told him, surprised by how much he wanted that. It felt like Nate understood something that Tomas couldn't put into words for the others. He tilted his head slightly, looking at the screen with a bit of worry. “Fucked up how?” He asked him. The movie was great, but he was more interested in Nate and what he was talking about. “Pause it a second, tell me.” He could tell Nate had stopped talking, probably for a reason. Blame the psychologist in him for wanting to pry.
“What if I surprised you with a hug? When you weren’t expecting it?” He asked, genuinely curious. He was still watching the movie - but his attention was divided pretty equally. He found Tomas even more fascinating now than he had before they’d video chatted. Maybe because he felt more real now. Nate was surprised by Tomas asking him to pause the movie and tell him what he meant. Nate did as he was told, pausing the movie and looking mildly uncomfortable. “There was this… expectation that you had kids, like, you had to have them. So even though all the adults were… together in a way, priority was making more mutants. If you had a kid who wasn’t a mutant. Well.” They had ways of knowing. How, Nate wasn’t exactly sure but the leaders of the cult had their ways, they’d always said. “Anyway, it was a fucked up place.”
Tomas chuckled at the question. “It'd last about two seconds before I felt warm and fuzzy about it and you went through me. And then I’d completely freak out about the possibility of going tangible again before you were clear and probably cry.” It was a little too honest, but that was what he did with Nate, right? Got honest? “So it's not a bad thought but please, don't.” Tomas had thought about it, too, now and then. Sneaking a touch or even just trying to train his mind to concentrate on his trigger. It felt too risky. His brow furrowed at the explanation, and he wished he could sit because the only other choice was pacing. He tried to rein it in. “Nate, that's… that's fucked up,” he agreed. “I'm really glad you're not up there anymore. It's got to be a lot to unlearn, growing up like that.”
It felt a little bit like a rejection. Nate visibly deflated a little bit, picked up his cheese balls and started eating them, like a comfort thing. “That’s fair.” He said, and he did mean it - their powers were difficult things. It was a real fear, and a real possibility. So he understood. “I won’t.” He promised, despite the lingering feeling of hurt. “Yeah, gotta say I almost went back at first, you know? I left after my only friend did, and I thought he was dead…” He found out he wasn’t but it still was enough for him to leave. “But the world was a lot. There was so much I’d never seen.” He sighed, eating another cheese ball. That was going to be the theme tonight. Talk, be honest, eat a cheese ball. “Never did though, and i didn’t really consider it all that much. I just did what I had to and found my way enough. You helped a lot, actually.”
“I wouldn't want to hurt you,” Tomas said so genuinely, the frown deepening the utterly exhausted lines on his face. “Your hugs would be really good. Probably the best.” He could see that flicker of disappointment, maybe. “I can't let myself risk other people. It's selfish.” He frowned a little more when Nate said he'd thought about going back. It was understandable; that was the only thing he'd ever known. “You seem like you're doing a really good job, catching up to life out here,” he told him. He tilted his head a touch, a surprised smile coming to his face. “Me?”
“I don’t know, I think Kit’s the only person I’ve ever really hugged and Kit thinks all hugs are the best.” He admitted, frowning. It didn’t even dawn on him that he’d said Kit’s actual name for once. He probably shouldn’t have done that. “You’ve got… you know, years of experience. You can’t let that fear rule you forever, Tomas, it’s not fair. And wanting to touch people is not selfish.” Just like wanting to be remembered, to be seen wasn’t selfish. He knew it was different because what Tomas could do was far more dangerous, but still. “I’m dong my best.” He shrugged, essentially shrugging off the compliment. Another pause, another cheese puff. “Yeah, you. I mean, when we met on that reddit thing, I don’t know. I just learned a lot from there, it helped me navigate the world out here.”
Tomas frowned harder at that. At least he'd had a more normal life when he was younger. “I wasn't always like this, up until grad school, in college I was… actually kind of slutty,” he admitted, with a self-conscious chuckle. He shrugged again. “I've been working on it but everything just makes it worse.” He watched Nate eat his cheese puffs, a small smile lingering on his face when he mentioned how they'd met. “It helped me too,” he told him, his voice softening a lot. “You’re easy to talk to.”
Kinda slutty had him smirk. He could imagine it. Handsome didn’t tend to fade all that much over the years, so he’d noticed from the men he’d met. Tomas must have been just as much of a knockout in college. Now he was just a dignified knockout. “What happened in college?” He asked, frowning. “Is that when your ability manifested for the first time?” Nate of course had been much younger, but if it was something you didn’t know about, he could see how that might have been the first time he’d truly noticed it for what he was, if not when it actually happened the first time. Especially with an interesting trigger and how that all worked. “You too, I never expected to… trust someone like that again but, I don’t know. You just seem really good.”
Tomas shook his head slightly, and he adjusted the camera again, finally able to get his chair again. He was getting too damn old to stand up all the time. “I was a psych grad student and there's always these studies, when you're in psych. Experiments. They'd pay you like fifty bucks to, I don't know, rate which faces look more trustworthy or see how fast you can get a rat through a maze.” He had told this story so many times, it was like a practiced monologue by now. He glanced up at Nate though, and lost his place. “Solitary confinement. And I knew what my trigger was and I thought it'd be fine. And I don't - I do know what happened, it triggered some kind of psychological break. And you'd think I'd have figured out fixing it by now. Physician, heal thyself, kind of thing.” He rested his chin on his hand, looking up at the camera, and Nate, with a small smile. “So do you,” he told him. Soft. He wasn't soft with a lot of people.
He listened to Tomas intently, shocked by what had happened to him. “Oh, Tomas.” He frowned, shaking his head like he disagreed. Tomas didn't deserve that. “I'm so sorry, that's awful.” He didn't have to imagine - isolation was pretty much all he knew. Nate was well aware of how it could fuck with your head. “So, your trigger before was phasing when you felt isolated… now it's opposite?” He could only be solid feeling isolated. Which meant he was… basically the definition of forever alone. Fuck. “Don't… do that with the chin and hand and the smiling.” He groaned covering his face with his hands before briefly panicking and looking back. “You didn't forget me just now right?”
“I was an idiot,” Tomas said with a shrug. There came a point where you just had to say yeah I did something dumb. “Yeah, that's how it's manifesting. I've tried every therapeutic technique you can think of.” He couldn't help the smile that spread a little wider when Nate said that, and he tilted his head a little more. “Nope,” he told him. “Feels like that should be impossible.” He knew it was very possible. The more he thought about it and got to know Nate, the scarier the possibility felt.
“No, you were young.” Nate was sure Tomas had tried everything, but he felt so compelled to just… fix it for him. “Everything… except mutant fixes?” He questioned, brow raised. “I knew someone once. Telepath helped reverse some kind of… trauma psychically I don't know.” It was something, at least. He was very much not not doing the thing and Nate groaned again once reassured that he wasn't forgotten. “I wish that were true.” He said with a laugh that had no humor in it. “You're just.” He blurter, and then went quiet again. Cheese balls. Eat the cheese balls and stop talking. “Distracting from the movie we forgot about…” He recovered, sort of.
“I've tried a thing or two but… I don't exactly relish the thought of people poking around in my head, unless I knew it'd work.” He leaned forward a little. “If you thought that person you knew could help,” he trailed off. “Maybe I'd try.” He wanted to reach out, to hug him, even from over here. He still had those instincts sometimes. He started to slip. He thought about how he'd never touch Nate. He stopped slipping. He chuckled at that, biting his lower lip to try to stop himself from smiling quite at wide. “Then hit play, you're the one with the controls.”
“I don't think anyone would but, maybe it'd work. You know any other mutants? I could ask and you could ask.” He was determined, honestly. “Maybe we can find something for me, too.” Though maybe if he just didn't feel so lonely, he could be seen. He wasn't sure though. He'd never been able to be seen, not that he could remember. Just by Kit. Biting his lip reading didn't help either. He practically choked on his latest cheese ball and washed it down with energy drink. Yeah that was definitely not helping him be less weird and awkward. “Right, I do, totally.” He put the movie back on. Paying attention, 100%.
“I know some,” Tomas told him. He didn't say much about where he lived or worked, even to Nate. “I appreciate that you'd do that. I'll ask around for you, too.” He smiled a little at the look on Nate's face. Awkward was kind of cute on him. He leaned back in his chair, relaxing to watch the movie.
Nate didn't say much about what he did, either. In fact, he was surprised he was getting away with barely revealing anything about how he lived. After a moment of silence he paused the movie again, “It's just, you're an attractive man and I'm… Then you give me that look? How am I supposed to focus on a movie or anything really.” He looked somewhat akin to wanting to be the one able to sink into the floor right about now.
The smile that came across Tomas’ face was downright wicked. He reached up thoughtfully, chewed on the tip of his finger for a second which was a flirtatious thing but also a drunk thing. Nate didn't need to know that. “You're?” he asked, chasing the end of that sentence that Nate had interrupted himself over. “You're what?” He leaned forward again, giving him that look but his eyes were lit up a bit more this time.
“I'm…” What was he going to say? He wasn't going to be self deprecating but admitting the truth sounded even more embarrassing, so Nate just sat there for a moment, transfixed. He had to know exactly what he was doing. The way his eyes were all lit up. He huffed. “And I'm a man, you know, who obviously never has and never will have any sort of physical interaction, so.” He was blushing himself into oblivion now. “Okay forget I said any of that I'd rather be invisible than remember how embarrassing that was.”
Tomas felt bad. A bit. He was still really enjoying the flirting, but he could commiserate with Nate's loneliness. “Hey, you don't have to be embarrassed,” he told him, shifting a little closer to the camera. “And I'm sorry if it seemed like I was teasing you. I'm not, you're just really cute. And you blush, and a man like me who can't touch anybody doesn't make a pretty guy that flustered very often.”
Getting closer to the camera wasn't helping but Nate really didn't care, he liked seeing his face so clearly. He also just liked being looked at. No one had ever looked at him like that. It was very flustering. “It's fine, I like the teasing.” He qualified, laughing a little. “It sucks and I hate it and keep doing it.” He said, grinning ear to ear now. “Maybe I'll figure out how to make you blush.”
Tomas laughed a truly amused laugh at that. It sucked, he hated it, keep doing it. He could absolutely relate. “I'm sure you'll come up with something,” he told him, matching his smile with one of his own. He was fairly sure that he could make eyes at Nate all night. He rested his chin on his hand again. “You should give me your number, we can FaceTime,” he told him.
How, he didn't know. Nate wasn't good at this. He was a lot of talk got someone who had exactly one long term friend his whole life who grew up in the same fucked up, sheltered place he had. His year of exploration hadn't helped at all, except learning about the world. “Okay. Yeah, you can have my number.” He agreed probably too readily. He leaned on his desk down, almost a mirror of Tomas’s position. “Only if you list me as cute Nate.”
Tomas laughed again, nodding a little. “Fair. I-” he trailed off, laughing again as he ran his fingers through his hair, almost nervous about what he'd almost just let himself say. “I will not make a suggestion about what you can list me as. Tomas is just fine.” He really needed to not drink quite so much when he was talking to Nate. “Cute Nate it is.”
Oh no, that wasn't going to fly. “You what? You asked me to say what I was going to, your turn.” He asked, almost a little daring. He was getting his cute Nate title though, so he was happy with that. Nate rarely gave his phone number out so he had to look it up again just to make sure what it was. Once up, he relayed the number to Tomas.
Tomas liked the daring thing on him. It was a good look. He took his number down and saved it as Cute Nate. And he might've blushed a little; it was impossible to tell, he covered his face for a second, scrubbing his hand over the day-old stubble. “I was going to say you could list me as either Abuelito or Papi, but that was a joke because of how old I am, not an actual suggestion. I will die,” he told him, trying to hide that he was laughing a little. More of a titter, really.
That blush was almost caught- but Nate was sure he was kidding himself. He was pretty sure it wasn't going to be that easy. He'd have to think of something good, for maybe the next time they hung out. He didn't need an explanation for what Papi meant, he'd heard that one before, and had to laugh a little at the thought. “Papi could work. I'd never confused you with another Tomas. Not that I know any.”
“Why did I do this,” Tomas sighed, breathing out the words, chiding himself. Nate didn't know the power he wielded now. “You- you cannot call me that out loud,” he had his hands pressed together in front of his mouth for a second, a little like begging pose, looking at him around his hands. “ Please pretend I never even joked.” He was blushing so hard he thought he might break the RGB configuration for his camera.
Maybe Nate was catching on to the power he held now, because he saw that blush on the screen clear as day and the way Tomas was speaking with that what have I done? tone of voice, Nate had a pretty good idea he didn’t dislike being called Papi because it made him feel old. “I can’t call you Papi out loud?” He teased, now leaning back in his own chair with a very self-satisfied smile on his face. Well, that was easier than he thought! He didn’t even have to do anything. Tomas shot himself in the foot with that one. He chuckled though. “I won’t. Mostly. That’s definitely going to be your name in my phone, though.” Nate was obviously serious about that one.
Tomas hung his head back over the back of his chair. “I'm a cliche, I'm a disappointment,” he said but he was laughing. “The older man, the Papi - God, what a stereotype.” Worth it to hear Nate say it though? Maybe. “Well, I guess I can't control what you put in your phone,” he said and texted Nate a quick winking face emoji so he'd have his number.
“That’s a stereotype?” He wasn’t super well versed in stereotypes, considering ninety-percent of his life had been lived in a commune of people who’s only goal was to create some kind of super mutant or something through breeding or whatever. Not that Nate really knew that, he just sort of guessed that was the point of it all. His phone buzzed which made him jump a little. It still surprised him to get actual text messages. The smile on his face at the winky emoji though was wide - really wide, like he’d forgotten he could actively been seen. Which he did often, it was kind of a problem. “You sure can’t Papi, sorry.” Nate grinned again and unpaused the movie probably for the last time. “We’re probably going to have to watch this again at some point.” He said with a laugh.
Tomas breathed a laugh, nodding. Was it ever a stereotype. And he was just a living, breathing example of it, the way he was getting over hearing Nate say it again. Unfair. “Yeah, well, whose fault is that?” he grinned back at him, trying to focus on the movie. It was a lot of effort not to steal glances over at Nate's side of the screen.
“Your fault, I think, for being so distracting.” He accused without any malice, just popped another cheese ball into his mouth like they weren’t absolutely disgusting and he should be eating way, way less of them. Oh, energy drink too, because that was going to help him calm down. He, too, was stealing glances at the screen Tomas’s face was on, sometimes catching his eye when he did so. “Question.”
“About the movie or about things that are distracting us from the movie?” Tomas asked before he grinned, looking over to meet Nate's eye on the screen. “I mean, ask me either one.” He leaned forward a bit, fully curious. Whether it was about him, about Knives Out which they'd barely paid attention to and Tomas could barely follow despite having seen it like seven times before. He had no idea how Nate was following it at all.
“Neither, really.” He said, using a napkin nearby to wipe cheese dust fully off his fingers and lean back in his chair again. “What happens when you sleep? I mean - if you were to fall asleep not feeling lonely, would you phase into your bed? And then get stuck in there?” Nate was curious by nature, he was so used to being able to find things out without asking. Following people, watching. No one ever caught him, he’d learned a lot more than he should have that way. He couldn’t do that here.
“It doesn't happen when I sleep,” Tomas answered with a shrug. “I have two theories about it. It's that either I'm ingrained with a constant enough amount of isolation that it's good enough to keep me solid to sleep or… whatever it is that happens isn't subconscious enough to be effecting me in my sleep.” Tomas didn't know. He'd thought about it a few times but he hadn't come up with a good answer. “What do you think?” he asked him.
“I don’t know - you say it takes some effort, to keep yourself solid, which means you have to feel isolated all the time. That can’t be easy, but it is easier at night to feel truly alone.” He thought more likely it was just that sleep didn’t affect it, but his worked even during sleep. So maybe Tomas’s worked during sleep too. Well, that ruined it for him. “Hm. I’d hope its the second bit and it just doesn’t work, but.” Probably shouldn’t test that. “I was just curious. Which one do you think it is most likely?”
Tomas hesitated for a second, stealing a glance at Nate. He never really told anyone this, it felt too vulnerable to say. But here he was, saying it to Nate. “I have dreams that I'm not alone.” It felt too honest. He wanted to swallow another glass full of rum to cover it up again. But he didn't. “So I'm leaning toward the second.”
“Me too.” He said softly, frowning. “I dream everyone can see me, and they all ask Nate! How you been? It’s been ages since you’ve come around! Like they can remember who I was, too…” It was such a lonely existence, Nate fuzzed at the edges again, feeling that loneliness so deep in his bones he thought he’d choke on it. “It’s crazy that one of the first mutants I meet outside the… commune, cult, whatever it was… is someone I can relate so much to.”
Nate broke his heart, really. He could've touched other people but really, he couldn't, other than that one friend he'd mentioned. “Sometimes I dream about someone running their fingers through my hair. Or letting me hold them while we were sleeping.” He could see the fuzziness in Nate for a second, and it made him want to reach through the screen. “I know. I've known others, but it's not the same. Not like this.”
“I don’t think people can really comprehend how awful it feels to be like this. You know, a guy thought I was just a hallucination? I’ve been called an imaginary friend more times than I can count.” He prattled on, frustrated. He really shouldn’t be revealing how many mutants he knew, though. That might prompt questions Nate couldn’t answer. His heart broke for Tomas, too, hearing what it was he dreamt about more specifically. Watching people without being able to comfort them in the way he wanted to, like watching his momma cry because she couldn’t remember who she was forgetting but knowing somewhere in her chest that it was important, and Nate was powerless to help her. He actually cried, a little, and had to look away quickly to wipe his face, coughing. “Sorry, cheese ball dust.” he said, clearing his throat and turning back when he’d composed himself. “I was - well, if you ever wanted to fall asleep on the phone…”
Tomas frowned at the thought that Nate was just a figment of so many people's imaginations, or so they thought. “They wish they had an imagination good enough to think up someone like you,” he scoffed. He thought he would do anything to just go wherever Nate was right now, but he couldn't. And even if he could, he couldn't. And even if he could, he couldn't do anything to help anyway. “Yeah?” Tomas perked up a little at that. “Can we? I'd really like that.”
That was comforting, honestly. It gave him a little bit of confidence he didn’t have and he sat up a little straighter, a smile on his face. “Yeah, they wish.” He agreed with a laugh, shaking his head. “I mean they’d also probably have to be a little fuckign weird to think up someone like me, but you know.” Two sides of the same coin, really. Tomas perking up at his suggestion had him perking up as well, and he smiled when Tomas asked if they could, that he’d like that. “Yeah? I mean, yeah. Yeah we can try it. I think it might be nice.” There was no way, aside from on the phone, that Nate would likely ever get to fall asleep with someone. Not who wouldn’t wake up in the morning really, really confused. “Yeah, we should do that.”
Tomas wrinkled his nose a little in reply. “I must be very strange then, if I'm planning on trying to dream you,” he joked lightly. And he nodded his agreement, and out of view of the camera he hit dial on the FaceTime to call Cute Nate. He waited, watching the screen, for him to answer it. When he did, he smiled at the screen. “Let's go to bed.”
His phone made him jump again and he laughed when he saw Papi calling pop up on the screen. He answered without hesitation, grinning. “Yeah, let's go.” All pretenses of watching the movie abandoned, he waved an awkward goodbye to the Tomas on his computer screen and signed off, turning it off with one quick click and then heading towards bed. “I'm probably going to toss and turn all night.” He warned.
Tomas smiled a bit and turned his own computer off, and headed toward his bed. “Once I'm out, I'm out. You're not waking me up with a little tossing and turning,” Tomas assured him as he got into bed, under the covers before he shifted and wiggled and got out of his pants where Nate couldn't bear witness to the horrors. He couldn't sleep in pants. He lay on his side, trying to prop his phone up on his pillow so he could see him still.
Nate had already been in pajamas, and he was the type to sleep in pjs. Something about the extra warmth just… made him feel better. He’d always been cold in Alaska. Sliding into bed, he did the same thing Tomas did and propped it up on his pillow, laying on his side. “Oh so you’re one of those dudes who sleeps like the dead?” He was very much the opposite of that. “I mostly meant that I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep, I’m pretty… antsy, I guess.”
Tomas didn't want to tell him that it was technically ‘passing out’ thanks to his BAC. He just nodded a little with a smile. “If we were, you know, more normal, I'd just put my big heavy arm on you like a weighted blanket and you'd probably be a little less antsy,” he told him. If they could be really together, he'd wrap his arms around Nate so damn tight and they'd both have the best sleep of their life, he thought.
Nate had never talked like this with anyone. Once, Kit and Nate had fallen asleep together and Nate had slid over to cuddle, as terrified as he was to do so, and Kit had thrown an arm over him just like that. They were little, and it felt like having his parents back, cuddling him. It had hurt him so much, made him so lonely he never did it again. “That would be nice.” He agreed, biting his lip. It was clear on his face his mind was somewhere else entirely now, all sadness and content mixed together. “Someday we'll have the control. I know it.”
“Hey,” Tomas’ voice was soft, strong but soft, with a little gravel in it from being sleepy. “Talk to me, cariño. What's this face about?” He let his head rest on his arm, angled so he could see Nate, but still more restful than he'd been in a while, with anyone else around him.
“You're too good at this body and face reading thing.” He said, chuckling softly. Nate also wasn't used to people being able to see his face and read him like that. “This is just… intimate, you know? I was like eight the last time I cuddled someone and I swore I'd never do that again because it made me feel lonelier, knowing that without them I'd never have it again.” Never was too strong a word probably, but Nate had always dealt in absolutes. That was just ‘the way things were’ for him. It was better to deal that way, without any other real hopes. He couldn't be hurt that way. “I'm a little scared, is all. Letting people get to know me, it's all new. I don't… want to hope.”
“Sorry,” Tomas chuckled. “You get good at reading faces when you can't touch them, I guess.” He couldn't blame his psychology degree for this one. Emotional intimacy was all he had. “Yeah,” Tomas agreed, letting his eyes close for a second, and he swallowed hard. “I know what you mean. Hoping is a scary thing. I spent so many years reaching for people and hoping…” He opened his eyes again and looked over at Nate again. God, he was beautiful. “If I ever make it too hard for you, you let me know, okay? I don't want talking to me to hurt.”
Nate barely noticed faces anymore. Only eyes, when he made contact and could be seen. Except… for Kennedy, really. He'd noticed her face. It wasn't often anyone truly wanted to be friends. “I'll let you know. It's not too difficult yet.” He said with a smile, shifting a little so he could put a hand under his face, propping him up just a little so he could look at Tomas. “Same goes to you, Papi.” He said playfully, trying not to keep darkening the mood. “Seriously though, friendships are supposed to be good. If you're hurting… that's the last thing I'd ever want.”
Tomas groaned at that, the tone and the word and he hid his face against his arm for a second. “I've created a monster,” he informed Nate but he was smiling. “Seriously. It's very hard to keep things in my mind SFW when you're pulling out the Papi on me.” But he was still smiling. “Me too,” he agreed. “And I know it's scary and you don't want to but, I want you to have hope. Okay? It hurts, I know it does. But you're too great to give up. You've got too much time left in front of you.”
“A thousand percent. I mean, seeing the look on your face has made it impossible for me not to say it.” He replied with way too much enthusiasm on his face for the solemn tone he was attempting to portray. Really, Nate wasn't sure if he wanted to keep things safe for work, but his insane lack of experience kept him from commenting on it. He wouldn't even know what to say. Nate frowned, the idea of having so much time felt far more depressing than Tomas probably intended. “I'll try, but I can't promise I'm capable of that.”
Tomas couldn't fault him for that. “I know if I had the same power in my hands I wouldn't be able to resist it either,” he confessed. He'd totally give in and do it all the time. “I'm gonna have to just start calling you stuff and see what makes you get a look on your face.” He nodded a little. “Yeah, I know. But try, a little, sometimes. God, you are so worth knowing,” he told him.
“Probably won't be difficult, nearly everything makes me blush.” He said… blushing. Rude. Mostly it was anything Tomas said. Nate had more or less been blushing this entire freaking time. Nate didn't readily agree with that point, not sure if he was really worth getting to know or not. Kit would probably argue, Kennedy too. Or maybe they all just felt bad for him. Tell the guy you could never really connect with nice things. No commitment there. “I'll try.” He promised, still frowning. “Only cause you asked.”
“Oh, you blush all the time. You know I'm not just talking about blushing.” He grinned a little. He did like the blushing. Cute Nate more than earned his contact name. “Then thanks,” he said. “I guess I owe you one. I will attempt one act of self care at your degree.” Tomas put his hand where Nate's waist would be if he was here and he was really laying in that place and then he felt silly so pulled it back.
Nate laughed, shaking his head even though yeah, that was true. “Noooo I definitely don't.” He did, he really did. “I know that's not what you meant though.” He sighed. “Honestly just looking at me…” He ran his hand through his hair, smirking. He rose a brow in an amused way, “Ooh one whole attempt at an act of self care? Wow, we should make promises like this more often.”
“Just looking at you?” Tomas had to ask, teasing him a little. Because there was looking at him and then there was looking at him the way he had been earlier, when he'd gotten Nate all flustered. Eyefucking was how to best describe it. “We should. Honestly, it'd probably be good for us,” he told him. His head propped up, he watched him. He liked watching him, he was cute.
“You know how you were looking at me.” He said with another grin, covering his face with his hands now. “Don’t make me say it. I don’t even know how to describe it.” He was dying, but he was still genuinely amused and having a nice time, so, there was that. Tomas was probably right, it would likely be good for the both of them to not only do more self care, but be held accountable for said promises. “Yeah? I’d - yeah, I’d like that. We should, you know, do that. For each other. For ourselves.”
“I'm gonna make you say it,” Tomas laughed, watching him, and the way he covered his hands. It was nice, it was almost-innocent flirting. It was a flutter in his chest of excitement and possibility. “We should,” Tomas agreed with a little smile. “Kinda make each other take care of ourselves. I don't know about you but I'm not always the best at it.”
“Never gonna say it.” He said with a laugh, somehow feeling tired after all the fake processed cheese powder and energy drinks. Maybe it was finally connecting with someone on such a level, the flirting, the laughter. So many good experiences was kind of exhausting. “We should, though, yeah. I pretty much have only taken care of myself in the sense of surviving, so. We should do that. Promise I’ll help you take care of you.” He said, his voice fading out until he fell asleep.