InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "fear not the bunny"

Tony Stark (snarky_bastard) wrote in angelcomms,
@ 2017-02-13 23:19:00

Entry tags:

steve rogers (captain america), tony stark (iron man)

Text to Steve
So I don't remember half the stuff I said to you last night.
So if I was a dick, I'm sorry.

(Post a new comment)

	Steve\| Tony defrosted 2017-02-14 04:22 am UTC (link)
	Are you okay? That's what I'm really worried about here. You were a little bit of a jerk, but mostly sad. I wish I could help more. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-14 04:28 am UTC (link)
	I'm not okay. That should be obvious from my actions. I don't know what to do to fix it. I'm miserable, Steve. Miserable. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-02-14 04:56 am UTC (link)

I'm glad you're able to see you're not okay.
That sounds like a really good first step, believe it or not.
When I was all alone, Nat and Sam really helped.
Since they're not here...I can sort of try doing what they did. We could have pancakes or something, and really talk about all of this, maybe come up with a way to help.
Thor might want to go too, would that be okay? Since he's been part of this, kinda?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-14 05:01 am UTC (link)
	I know I'm not okay. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I can't.... I can't breathe, Steve. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. I'm.... I'm having panic attacks. Hours go by at night and I can't sleep. I'm so far from okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-15 03:40 am UTC (link)
	Okay, okay. Let's see here. Panic attacks are...I used to get them before the serum sometimes. What might help physically is if you find a bag to breathe into. Uh paper sack type bag. And maybe some nice music and.. Is it okay if I come see you? Maybe bring something that can help and we could talk? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-15 05:15 am UTC (link)
	I know how to handle panic attacks, Steve. It's not something I relish knowing but I know. No, I don't want anyone to come and see me, Steve. Least of all you and Blondie. No offense, but I want to be alone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-15 06:43 am UTC (link)
	I wasn't sure if you'd remember in the middle of one, actually. Considering. I just don't know if... What you might DO alone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-15 06:55 am UTC (link)
	I have memorized what to do in the event of one. Steve, I'm 40 something years old. I don't need a babysitter. Just leave me alone, Steve. You and Blondie did your duty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-15 07:34 am UTC (link)
	I'm not trying to be a babysitter, Tony. I'm trying to be a friend. Not sure why you're pissed at me this time but fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-15 07:40 am UTC (link)
	I'm sorry, that's what it feels like. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-15 07:45 am UTC (link)
	The stuff about us doing enough felt kind of like that,. yeah. I just wish I knew what it was so I could fix it. I don't care about you being sorry, I care about you being better. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-15 08:07 am UTC (link)
	That's not going to happen, Steve. I'll tell you what no one else but Aedan knows. A year ago, I was raped. I'm never gonna over that. I'm broken, Steve. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-15 08:23 am UTC (link)
	Okay. Fix is a bad word to use there. You aren't broken though. You don't have to STAY broken. You can come back from this. Not the same, never the same. But still strong. Stronger. You ever hear of those Japanese bowls? With the cracks? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-15 10:53 am UTC (link)
	Steve, I'm broken. I know about the Japanese bowls. I am not a fucking Japanese bowl. It's a miracle I didn't have a panic attack with Aedan. I'm not okay, Steve. I'm never going to be okay. It's like I have an elephant sitting on my chest 24/7. I can't breathe on a daily basis. I live in fear that every man I see bigger than me is going to hurt me. I'm not okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-02-17 04:20 am UTC (link)

Tony. nobody broken has to stay broken
No one is saying you'll come out of this perfectly restored
But there's a difference between being trapped and learning how to function again.
I don't know your personal hell, I wouldn't say I did.
But I know that you can recover.
That you can function and keep LIVING.
You can get better. I think you owe it to yourself to try.
There's ways you can do that without living in fear.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-17 11:46 am UTC (link)
	I can't function, Steve. I can't. I'm a hot mess. There isn't anything that anyone can do. Nothing. I've tried to go to therapy. I have. It just makes it worse. I know you're just trying to help. But I'm beyond help Old Man. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-19 01:51 am UTC (link)
	So you learn how to function; Maybe you do that all over again, but you learn it. Anything else? It's not you, or worthy of you. It could take a while, years even, but when you're in a place to do the workd it CAN be better. If people were permanently broken, we would have about half the time we've got now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-19 01:55 pm UTC (link)
	It won't be better. I wish that it would be. But I know that it's going to keep getting worse. I know that you want me to be okay. But I can't just wave my hand and be okay. I am broken Steve, and it's not going to change. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-02-26 11:25 pm UTC (link)
	Better.Not perfect, not great But a place that isn't as bad as it is today. I think that can happen, I really do. I'm not saying you can make it happen magically. It's a thing you have to work on. But I'm saying...don't give up Tony. We've got really good glue between the whole team, after all. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-02-27 08:09 am UTC (link)
	All I want to do is give up. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything. It's just one thing after another. Everytime I catch my breath I lose it again. I appreciate that you're trying. It's what you do. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-03-08 05:39 am UTC (link)
	So let us help you fight it for a while. You don't have to be alone with any of it. We're a pretty resourceful group, we might have some ideas you want to try. I guess it IS at that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-03-08 12:42 pm UTC (link)
	I don't... you know I don't like asking for help, Steve. Alone is what I am, it's what I'll stay, no one's gonna want me. I'm sure you do. Doesn't change things. It is. I'm used to it by now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-03-08 12:59 pm UTC (link)
	I know, So instead of asking we're just offering. It's a little different, you know? Nah, there're people. More than you'd think. I...look. I've been there, long time ago. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-03-09 02:46 am UTC (link)
	I don't... I'm not used to taking help, Steve. I know it's a little different. It's not going to change me not wanting help. You know how stubborn I am. What are you talking about? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-03-09 08:50 pm UTC (link)
	I know you're not and that you're stubborn, but we're here. I mean there's no point I can force you, just suggesting. I've been the guy no one was ever going to want, and pretty much completely useless. I'd have stayed that guy probably but for a lot of luck. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-03-10 11:19 pm UTC (link)
	I know that you are. I know you're both here. I just, I can't reach out. I just can't. It's not personal. I wasn't raised to take help. You're an amazing person, Rogers. I can't believe that that was ever the case. And I know for a fact that Blondie thinks the sun shines out of your ass. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony defrosted 2017-03-14 11:27 pm UTC (link)
	We're all here. And I know, but this is a little different if it helps to think of it that way. You didn't meet me when I was an annoying little punk who picked fights he couldn't win is all I'm saying. We've all had those moments in life is all. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Steve \| Tony snarky_bastard 2017-03-15 03:52 pm UTC (link)
	I know you're all here. Although I don't want to take any help from Barnes. It doesn't help, not much. I still am very reluctant to take help. I can't believe that's ever been true. You are the most goody two shoes person I know. Besides maybe Blondie. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-03-16 05:54 am UTC (link)

I'm glad you do. Just...reach when you need us. I know that'll be hard but you're brave enough to make it happen.
Hey, you don't have to, then. Only from those of us you're okay with asking.

You can do it. I believe in you and that you'll know the right moment to ask.

It was true. Bucky could tell you all kinds of stories, if you were speaking to him. I weighed about 90 pounds soaking wet, and I thought I could take on the world.

Turns out I couldn't.

He IS kind of isn't he? The soldier and his brave knight. We're quite the pair.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

snarky_bastard
2017-03-18 12:01 pm UTC (link)

I don't know that I agree.
That I'm brave enough, that is.
But I appreciate that you think so.
I know that too.

Help isn't something I was trained to take.
Even if I know we all need it every once in awhile.
I'm afraid that my stubbornness is going to take precedence.

Everyone thinks that, when they're kids.
I thought that, and I definitely didn't weigh more than you did.

No one can, take on the world, that is.

God, you two make the most nauseatingly perfect couple ever.
You are really good together.
I wish I had that. Someone who loved me like he loves you.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-03-19 12:12 am UTC (link)

Well, think of it this way
Captain America doesn't lie
especially not to his co leader.

Then we'll find a way to sneak it past you
Until it's too late and you've been helped.

Well, it was cute when I was an actual kid.
But when I was eighteen, hacking up a lung and bleeding and coming back for more from a normal sized guy?
Yeeeah.

Well, who says he isn't coming?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

snarky_bastard
2017-03-22 03:56 am UTC (link)

I'd like to believe I'm your co-leader.
But we all know I'm not.
I do believe that you don't lie, though.

If anyone could, it'd be you and Blondie, Old Man.
It's just not something that's easy for me.

You really need to learn not to pick fights that you can't win.
I'm not saying don't try, but don't put yourself in a position to be hurt, either.

I don't know. Banner disappeared...
And even if he hadn't, he didn't want me like that.
No one wants me like that. I'm no good.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-03-30 06:54 am UTC (link)

Yeah well, you ought to be.
I mean is there a way to make that official?
ESPECIALLY now that I know that you won't back down when you don't agree with me. I need somebody to check me about as much as you need somebody to check you. So it makes sense.

That's probably true. We're determined old men with nothing else to do.
Might as well find a way to help.
And I know. We'll figure it out so it does work for everyone.

Well, now you sound like the last person you wanna be told you sound like.
But yeah, I was pretty bad when I was younger.
Didn't stop at all.
Remind you of somethin'?

I...yeah that happened.
But there's other people here, from other places.
It's like a chance to meet somebody you'd have never met at home.
Maybe that way'd be better. Someone who likes you just for you and you could know for sure then.
Or something.

But don't give up. You are.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

snarky_bastard
2017-04-03 08:30 am UTC (link)

I'm not going to disagree with that. We both need checked on occasion.
If you think that I'm good enough to be your coleader than okay.

You two are definitely old men with nothing else to do.
I can't believe that you two really found each other.
He loves you, Steve. More than I've ever seen anyone love anybody.
It's really kind of sweet.

Oh shut up, you tell me I sound like Howard and I'll kill you.
You need to not go back to that.
I was pretty bad when I was a kid myself.

I don't know that I really deserve to have someone.
I'm not good, Steve. I'm broken.
Someone shouldn't have to put up with me like that.

I'm not, Steve. And I know it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Steve | Tony

defrosted
2017-04-04 06:52 am UTC (link)

Tony, I know you're good enough.
I've got every bit of faith in you.

Neither can I. There's this weird sort of magical thing about it.
Am I allowed to get that sappy? I'm not sure if we shouldn't have a jar for THAT.
It is though.

What? Oh Geez, no, I meant Bucky.
That's what he always used to tell me.
Probably still would if I did.
Wow two of you. But no, you're right.
I got my chance to pick the right battles, I think. I learned since then.
I can believe that somehow.

I don't know that I think it's true that being broken precludes the rest.
I mean you're not expecting somebody to fix you, and that's not on them.
But somebody loving you and helping you? It's different, you know?
And broken doesn't mean that you'll always feel exactly like you feel now, yeah?

Well, not in most of our eyes if that helps at all.

(Reply to this) (Parent)