It’s all fun and games until someone loses an almond. Then it’s dessert.
The following recipes contain many jokes that are in poorer taste than the eventual product. Also, image-heavy!
For Seishirou cookies, you require:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, only slightly unchilled 1 cup white granulated sugar 1 extra-large (or jumbo) egg 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 cup extra dark cocoa powder dash cinnamon (for luck) dash salt 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1 1/4 cups flour
and for the design:
4 tablespoons unsalted butter (that’s a half-stick) 1 tablespoon boiling water dash salt about sixteen ounces of powdered confectioner’s sugar (probably closer to twenty) 25 ml Disaronno Amaretto (or of similar quality)
a pastry tube
and another 25 ml or so Amaretto for after
(and possibly during, if there’s more to be had)
For Subaru cookies, you require:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, only slightly unchilled 1 cup white granulated sugar 1 extra-large egg 1 teaspoon anise extract (because whatever our boy is, it’s not vanilla) dash cinnamon dash salt 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1 1/2 cups flour
and for the design:
a whole lot of whole, unsalted almonds (five per cookie, so it depends on the size of the cookie: try to get at least 150)
and a shot of Sambucca (if you want him unconscious)
Part 1
Prepare the icing in advance:
Cream the butter, salt and boiling water. Beat in the sugar gradually until the icing is hard enough to cling to the electric mixer. After that, blend in the amaretto. This will produce a rather telling texture.
Spoon all the icing into the pastry tube and set it aside. You’ll want to work with it warm.
Part 2
Seishiroucookies first. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar, then beat in the egg, cinnamon, cocoa and vanilla. Blend in the leavener, salt, and flour until the dough is only slightly sticky. Set it aside in the fridge to cool, covered.
Subarucookies after. In a noticeably smaller bowl, cream the butter and sugar, then the egg and anise extract. It should smell like liquid porn. Beat in all the dry ingredients until you feel inclined to stop, then also place it in the fridge. Allow it to wallow in self-loathing and inferiority for an hour, perhaps two.
(Cookie dough molestation.)
Part 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit.
The cookies can be shaped into rounds (which are easier), but can also be rolled. If you are rolling the dough, again, start with the Seishiroucookies—roll the dough out on a floured surface to about 1/3-inch thickness (that’s thicker than pie crust but not as thick as cinnamon rolls) and cut into squares of two inches by 1 1/2 inches.
The same goes for the Subarucookies, though bear in mind that Subarucookies tend to spread.
See?
For the Subarucookies, before baking, press five almonds into the top of each cookie in a pentagram pattern.
Leave the Seishiroucookies unadorned for now.
Bake as follows:
Rolled rectangles: 8 minutes (makes about two dozen for each dough) Round tablespoon cookies: 12 minutes (makes about eighteen, each dough) Cookies of Unusual Size: 16 minutes (makes twelve of each)
Set aside to cool immediately.
Part 4
When the Subarucookies are cool, upend and drizzle the shot of Sambucca over them:
Cover this with an airtight container, put it in the fridge, and let angst overnight. Or over the next week. Or about nine years.
Part 5
Make sure the pastry tube of icing is warm. Draw inverted pentagrams on the Seishiroucookies. There will probably be extra icing, but I’m sure you can think of a use for it.
Also, remember that extra Disaronno? You know what to do.
Set them aside to dry and cool off in the fridge. Don’t put them on top of one another until they’ve hardened, though, they’ll smudge. Also, insert joke about Rubbermaid here.