Remus J. Lupin (m00ny) wrote in an_ill_wind, @ 2009-07-28 14:45:00 |
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Remus had been blessedly unconscious for more than a week now, allowing his body to slowly repair itself with the help of all the potions and salves that Dig and Pepper had been pouring into him. His foot had been pieced back together, and the wounds on his chest and stomach had been healed as much as they could given that they were inflicted by a silver knife, but it was the burns that covered most of his body that would take the longest to heal. His wrists and ankles would never be as strong as they had been, and he would probably always have a bit of a limp, but he was alive. And as he struggled to wake up, he was as surprised as anyone that he actually was still here. Blinking slowly, he managed to pry his lids open to gaze blearily ahead. Despite sleeping for so long, he was exhausted and even this small movement was an effort. Sirius felt a mixture of intense relief and the urge to be violently sick when he realised that Remus had blinked, and he held his breath as Remus' eyes opened without being aware that he was doing it. He didn't know how Remus was going to react (or if he was even aware enough to remember, or to realise what was going on now) and it unsettled him far more than he could say. But just sitting there gaping was beyond ridiculous, and if Sirius had done this to him in the first place, shouldn't he do something. "Remus?" he asked tentatively, stomach roiling. He should shout for Dig, he should alert somebody, but he could barely breathe, let alone think coherently at this point. "Hmm," Remus mumbled, finding his mouth dry and it was a bit difficult at first to remember how that talking thing worked. Turning his head slightly, he blinked at Sirius solemnly for a moment before it registered that it was actually Sirius that he was staring at. "You're back." The words came out on a sigh and a faint smile touched his lips as his eyes closed again. This was the real Sirius, he knew it instinctively and somehow that made the pain a bit more bearable. Whatever Sirius had been expecting to happen, it certainly hadn't been this - he frowned, brow furrowing slightly when Remus said he was back, and then... smiled. Did he not remember what'd happened? Did he not remember it'd been Sirius that had done so much of the damage? "I'm back," he said, rather thickly, his throat tight and constricted. "How are- how are you feeling?" He winced even as the words came out, knowing how stupid of a question that was. Remus' eyes fluttered open and he gazed at Sirius wearily. "Tired," he said softly, his voice barely a whisper as anything else seemed like far too much effort. "It hurts, but it's not too bad. How are you? When did you get back?" He really had no idea how long he had been here, in what appeared to be Dig's house again. He didn't remember being rescued. The last thing he remembered was lying on the floor of that barn in a pool of his own blood, being so sure he was going to die there. "Remus," Sirius said, shaking his head. He couldn't handle this absurdly casual conversation, like the worst that'd happened had been Sirius taking off for a few days without leaving a forwarding address, like Remus had had a minor accident and ended up with a few bumps and bruises. "Remus I tried to kill you," he said, sounding just as horrified with himself as he looked. Remus blinked for a moment, then slowly shook his head, stopping abruptly when it tugged at the newly healed cuts on his throat. "No, you didn't," he insisted, as he would until his dying day. "She did. Not you." His voice was filled with conviction, and his gaze was intent on Sirius'. Bellatrix had been the one to do this to him. She may have used Sirius to do part of it, but she had used him as expertly as she had wielded that knife. "I did this to you," Sirius said, stomach clenching again as he fought down another wave of nauseau. "God, Remus, I wanted to, I liked it, I-" He stopped, momentarily unable to go on. All the memories came flooding back; the physical torture, the emotional and mental torture, the taunting, the sick arousal, the whole bloody fucking nightmare. Sirius' expression crumpled and he turned his head, rubbing vigorously at the bridge of his nose. "I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to apologise enough, and you - you should hate me. You have to hate me." Remus was too worn out to hate, even if he wanted to. But he had been through this with Sirius before, had forgiven him when it really had been him doing an awful thing, so this, when Remus knew exactly what it was like to not have any control over your actions, was easy to forgive. Far easier than anyone else would understand, he thought. The thick blankets draped over him, keeping him warm, made it difficult to get an arm free, but he finally managed it and reached out to Sirius. His wrist was bandaged but other than that, his arms were undamaged. "I could never hate you," he whispered, wondering if Sirius remembered exactly what he had admitted to during that horrendous evening. "It wasn't you, Sirius. It truly wasn't. Trust me on this. I know what it's like. You had no control. It was all her. She liked it, and so she made you like it too." Sirius looked perilously close to tears, when Remus reached out to him, seeing the bandage wrapped around his wrist and knowing exactly what it was covering. He didn't cry, though, because Sirius never cried. He didn't know how. "I should've had control," he whispered, feeling wretched. He didn't want to make this all about him, to go over this again and again, but he had to make Remus know, he couldn't just let him blindly ignore everything that'd happened, not when it'd resulted in this. "People fight this!" He shook his head, trying to calm himself down, and finally reached out for Remus, clasping his hand more desperately than he wanted to. "I'm so sorry." "You did fight it, Sirius," Remus said, the memory coming to him in a flash. He squeezed Sirius' hand as tightly as he could. "You even broke through it once, but every time you were even close to breaking it, Bellatrix just cast the spell again until you were back under control. There's no way anyone could have fought against her and won, Sirius." Remus' voice was getting softer as it took more effort to force the words out, but he wanted Sirius to understand before he fell asleep again. Sirius could tell that Remus was exhausted, and that this was draining him even more than it was draining himself, and the last thing he wanted to do was to put Remus through anything more than he'd already done. "I tried," he said softly, remembering that much at least. He covered Remus' hand with his free hand, rubbing over his knuckles gently. "I'm sorry, this is- you need your rest." Remus' eyes had drifted shut against his will as Sirius spoke, and he squeezed Sirius' hand again to let him know he was still listening. "Yeah," he agreed, the word coming out with a sigh. The pain was getting increasingly difficult to deal with and Remus assumed that whatever pain potions he may have been on were wearing off. Managing to pry his eyes open, he glanced at Sirius. He didn't want to complain; Sirius was already beating himself up enough for this without Remus twisting the knife. "Could you get one of the healers for me please?" Sirius nodded hurriedly, letting go of Remus' hand quickly. He should've got a healer the moment Remus woke up, and he could've kicked himself for not doing so. He stood up quickly, expression concerned (more than concerned) as he looked at Remus. "I'll be right back," he promised." Remus managed a smile and nodded slightly as his eyes closed again. "Thanks," he whispered, feeling much better just knowing Sirius was back. And it didn't seem like Sirius remembered his confession either, or if he did, he had enough tact not to mention it now. That was the last thought to slip into Remus' mind before he fell asleep again, needing all the rest he could get in order to heal. Sirius watched Remus for a moment more, chest feeling tight and restricted, before he forced himself to leave the bedside and go off to find Dig. He didn't want to leave Remus - he wanted to stay so badly it made him ache - but he knew Remus needed help, and the very last thing he wanted to do was hurt Remus anymore than he already had, and so with one last glance back he hurried from the room.