Edgar is a sparkling sight (bonesie) wrote in an_ill_wind, @ 2009-06-01 12:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | - 1980/06 june, edgar bones, james potter, remus lupin, sirius black |
01 June 1980
Who: Ed, Remus, James & Sirius
What: Edgar versus the Marauders in another exciting episode of the Werewolf Chronicles
When: 1 June, 10am
Where: Remus' flat
Rating: PG
Status: Completed log!
The time Remus had set for the meeting meant that Edgar was on his own. Benjy couldn't very well skip work and Ed knew he wasn't going to enjoy being in a room with three people who likely wanted nothing more than to destroy him for nosing into Remus' business with no one on his side. He was going in as the bad guy when really all he wanted to do was be honest with Remus, tell him what he thought and how he felt about all of it, find out what the Greyback situation had entailed, and then go home. It hadn't been his intention to make this discovery when he'd asked Benjy to see if there was any connection between Remus and Greyback. He'd been worried, and the Marauders had been their usual full-of-shit selves. It made him uneasy knowing that there was something going on within the Order that he didn't know about, and he really hated being lied to. There were enough secrets in the whole bleeding war without stirring up more distrust within their own ranks. Remus being a werewolf? That was a little different. But knowing that something sketchy was going on between them that involved a known, psychopathic, murdering monster? That was the part that made him uncomfortable and irritated. And then they'd had Dorcas lie to him. She never lied to him. As perhaps selfish as it sounded, she was his friend first, in his mind. Sure they'd drifted apart in the last few years, especially after Ed had gotten married, but they had always talked about everything, and shared everything, and defended one another, and supported one another; they were the sort of friends who could always be completely and utterly honest with one another. It hurt. It hurt because it reminded Edgar of everything he was doing wrong with the Order and with his own life, and of how lost he felt, and it hurt because it drove stakes between friendships to be at odds with one another because there wasn't any trust to be had.
He apparated to Remus' flat, and stood outside of the door for a moment, still completely unsure of what he was going to say. He wondered if Sirius and James would even give him a chance to speak, or just jump on him and attempt to tear him apart. Not that Edgar couldn't hold his own, and not that he wouldn't leave if that happened. He wasn't going to stand around and be hated out loud without the opportunity to speak his mind or defend himself; that's exactly why he'd asked to speak with Remus alone. Remus would listen. Now Remus would listen if James and Sirius kept their mouths shut long enough for Ed to talk. He was certain they'd automatically lumped him and Benjy into the category of people who thought werewolves were monsters. A lot of them were, like Greyback, that was for certain. But Ed's mum had volunteered at St Mungo's for as long as Ed could remember. And she'd told him stories about people who got bitten, about normal people and little children. They weren't monsters. They all didn't shrug off society and the wizarding world. They were like Remus. They tried to continue living life despite their condition. It was a strange realization, perhaps, to associate Remus with anything even remotely beastly, but in Ed's mind it really didn't change the person Remus was (though he had to admit to himself rather dryly that it made the name 'Remus Lupin' rather ironic).
Finally he knocked at the door and waited. All he could do now was hope for the best. Say his peace, be as reassuring as possible, and that was it.
How could it be that Remus was the big bad wolf, yet he felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter? He had spent the last two hours obsessively tidying his flat, as if they were going to judge him on that until Sirius had finally made him stop. He couldn't help being anxious. This was his life that was going to be judged and found wanting, if not by Ed, then by the others. Remus knew very well that not everyone hated werewolves, but he also knew that the vast majority of people did. And what were the chances that the Order would accept him with open arms? Slim to none, in Remus' opinion. He had already had a taste of that in Sirius' journal when he ranted (as he was prone to do) about the werewolf legislation.
By the time there was a knock on the door, Remus was a nervous wreck. He took a deep breath and walked over to the door, but before he opened it, he turned to two of his best friends in the world. It was a shame he hadn't realised that Peter would, of course, have to work now or he would be here too.
"Do not start yelling the instant I open this door," he warned the two of them, casting a stern look from one to the other. "Let's give him a chance to speak first and if you want to yell then, feel free but at least give the man a chance to state his case."
Remus wasn't sure if he believed that there was a possibility of a good outcome to this meeting, but he had been thinking about what Lily had said and knew he had to listen to what Ed had to say, good or bad. And that meant somehow keeping James and Sirius in line - something he had been failing to do since first year.
Bracing himself (whether for Ed or for Sirius and James to start yelling, he wasn't sure), Remus pulled the door open and allowed Edgar to enter his tiny flat, which already seemed crowded with the massive personalities of James and Sirius.
Sirius looked a little guilty when Remus told them not to start yelling the minute the door was opened, and he glanced over at James and shrugged a little. Was it really so bad that his first instinct was to want to yell? No matter what Edgar or Fenwick or any of the others thought, this was a huge deal - it was Remus' life. And that wasn't him being dramatic for once. With a sigh he nodded, agreeing to behave (for now), although his shoulders were tight with tension and he knew he'd have to work hard to control himself. Just the thought of all of this was enough to send him into a frenzy.
He tensed a little when the door opened and Edgar walked in, though he paused, brow furrowing when no one else followed. Where was Fenwick? And, for that matter, where were the angry villagers brandishing torches and pitchforks?
James held up his hands in an 'I surrender' position when Remus told him not to yell right off, and as the door opened, he slid his hands up to his hair and linked them behind his head and waited, rocking on the balls of his feet, bouncing with energy. He nodded at Ed as he entered the room, trying not to glare right off, instead focussing his attention on keeping close to Remus as a gesture of support.
"Hey mate," James said carefully, watching the tall blond man enter the room. He'd been preparing arguments in his head all day, trying to mentally talking himself down from being so vehemently angry at Ed, but he couldn't help but feel still lingering frustration. How could Ed ask Remus to trust him when he'd violated his trust so completely? James was fuming and trying not to for Remus' sake. He had the beced facade of neutrality he could manage, but everyone knew where his loyalties lay, and he didn't care. Of course he was on Remus' side.
"Morning," Edgar said upon entering the flat, looking around. Sirius and James were there as expected, looking borderline angry and as if they were restraining themselves from lunging at him on the spot. He'd heard voices on the other side of the door before Remus had opened it for him and he supposed that that was why the other two weren't tearing him a new one already. Remus always had been the reasonable one. He just stood there for a moment, the tension hanging heavy in the air between the four of them. After a moment Edgar took a deep breath.
"Right," he said quietly, holding up his head and making eye contact with Remus. "I want to explain this to you, because I get the feeling that right now you're viewing me as an ignorant prat who went sticking his nose where it didn't belong, where as the situation from my perspective seemed like something else entirely. I understand that the four of you have your own sort of unspoken code--or maybe it is spoken--where you're used to doing your own thing when you deem it necessary. Given we, the Order, are all working for the same cause, it's not something I appreciate, especially after having this dumped in my lap unexpectedly because Dumbledore is taking a holiday to see the pyramids or whatever it is he's doing. I am young, I am unqualified, and I am not Dumbledore. It's not as easy to trust me implicitly with whatever it is you have going on. But I was worried. And after the attack on Dorcas and Sirius, I'm worried about where people are, and how safe they are. That's why we're triple-checking everyone's wards and being just a little bit paranoid. I don't like being lied to, because I wouldn't lie to you about something that important. You also forced Dorcas to lie to me, and given how close the four of you are, I'm sure you can appreciate how much it hurt to have my best friend lie to me that way.
"Given the situation that day, I was afraid that there might be something going on with you and Greyback. Because James, Sirius and Peter wouldn't tell me anything that was actually going on, I asked Benjy to see if there was any connection between the two of you. The fact that you're a werewolf was not something either of us were expecting, to say the least." He paused and ran a hand through his loose hair. "I want you to know that I don't think any different of you. I admit it's a strange thought, but you're still Remus. You've still been working for the Order for two years, and it doesn't change anything you've done, to me, or anything you will do.
"I also want you to know that neither Benjy nor I are going to out you to the rest of the Order. It's not our place. I'll admit that I think you should tell them, but I'm certainly not going to force you to. For the time being, until Dumbledore pulls his head out of his arse--a statement I thought I'd never make--Benjy and I are going to take the helm of the Order and ask Frank and Alice to help. If you would let me tell them, so that if a situation like this one arises again we may have some clue what's going on, I would appreciate it, but I'll respect whatever you want me to do. Just the same, Remus, I would really like you to tell me what happened the other day with Greyback and that kidnapped child."
Remus listened in silence, his arms crossed defensively over his chest. He couldn't help it; he was used to assuming the worst, because in his twenty years of life, the worst was generally what happened to him. Remus snorted softly at Edgar's statement that he wouldn't have lied about something this important. He found that very difficult to swallow and realised that if his friends had difficulty understanding what this was like for him, then Edgar had no bloody idea at all. He did feel bad though, that they had asked Dorcas to lie for them. He knew how he would feel if it was one of his friends who had done that. But at that point, Remus hadn't been involved and didn't feel it was his place to address that.
He had been fully expecting to either be kicked out of the Order or forced to tell everyone, so it was quite a shock when Edgar did neither. The macabre side of Remus thought this was probably because the Order needed the body count to fight the Death Eaters. Ever the cheery outlook from Remus Lupin. He had absolutely no intention of telling anyone else in the Order, and had been quite prepared to quit on the spot if Edgar had required him to. Standing up at an Order meeting and telling them all that he was a werewolf was quite beyond anything Remus was capable of.
"I think you should talk to Dumbledore about this," Remus replied when Edgar stopped talking. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground here, but if Edgar wanted to know where everyone was and what they were doing, then Remus was going to end up having a problem with him. Again.
"Talk to Dumbledore about what, exactly?" Edgar asked. "About the piss poor job he's been doing in running the Order in the last six months, or about what happened to you last week? Because while he sees a lot, the old man isn't omniscient. Or if you're talking about Benjy and I running the Order with Frank and Alice, the bottom line there is that for one I don't know what Dumbledore is doing or how long he's going to be gone, and in the meantime, well. We've been doing shit all this long and I'm tired of it, I don't know about you. I want to do what I signed up for and that's not sitting around on my arse. Without some form of leadership we're going to fall apart, and I know I can't do it myself. But I said, if you don't want me to tell Frank and Alice, I won't. Really. It's not my secret to tell, I'm just giving you my opinion."
Remus didn't look at James or Sirius, though he was surprised that they had held themselves back this long. It was only a matter of time before Sirius started ranting again, Remus thought. "Who runs the Order is nothing to do with me, but you have to know that Dumbledore keeps his cards pretty close to his chest."
He couldn't break his word to Dumbledore, not after everything that man had done for Remus, but he couldn't handle the idea of this happening again the next time he wasn't where they all thought he should be. And it would happen again. Not only that, but Remus was tired of lying to his friends. Here they were, ready to leave the damn Order for him, and he was continually lying to their faces. It made him feel sick and he hadn't even really done anything yet.
Edgar furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Remus searchingly. Something else was at play here. Something Edgar didn't think that Remus had even told his friends. He chewed on his lip for a moment, and then nodded. "All right. I'll do that," he said, recognizing the fact that Dumbledore likely did indeed have other things going on that he didn't share with the rest of the Order. Edgar wondered momentarily if what Remus was talking about had anything to do with werewolves but brushed the thought aside for the time being.
Sirius had the distinct feeling he was missing something, and it was making him even more on edge; he'd felt thisclose to snapping from the moment Edgar had walked through the door, and it'd taken an enormous amount of willpower to keep himself quiet for this long, and he finally couldn't hold himself back any longer. "I don't think Remus has to tell anyone else," he argued, tone flat as he stared hard at Edgar. Yeah, it was true that the meeting hadn't been as bad as he anticipated (he had the distinct feeling that was because Fenwick wasn't here) but this was absurdly fucking serious, and they had to be ridiculously careful; it was why they hadn't told anyone what was going on with Remus and Greyback and that whole mess in the beginning. "You know what will happen, when people find out," he continued. "You think the infighting in the Order is bad now? You saw the way people jumped all over the fucking issue when the new werewolf legislation came up - they'll turn against Remus." He shot Remus a pained look, feeling bloody awful for having to point that out in the first place. "Remus is one of the best goddamn members we have, and no one can afford to lose him. Why do you think we didn't tell you anything? Did you think we were having a bit of fun? That we didn't realise how completely serious the situation was from the beginning? Sometimes, when someone tells you they can't elaborate, it's because they can't. We're all fighting for the same cause here - so where's the trust?"
"Trust, ha," James spat, annoyed. Sirius speaking up seemed to be the sign James had been waiting for, the in, the go ahead, and he dropped his hands from his head, crossing them across his chest and scowling. "You had no right, Bones. And you're bloody right it isn't your secret to tell. How long until you change your might though, yeah? How long until Fenwick changes his? This isn't just a happy little secret we're keeping because we want to be special. Do you think people like the Prewetts will be so sodding understanding?" James couldn't help but snort, shaking his head. The Prewetts--or Fabian, to be fair, but it wasn't as though the twins were exactly a separate entity--had got their knickers all in a twist over Sirius admitted he occasionally shagged blokes. If they thought who someone slept with was business of theirs, they'd certainly take issue with something like this, James had no doubt.
"We've protected him for eight years from everyone, friends, enemies, whatever. I didn't even tell Lily, and here you are, standing here, telling him you think he should tell the Order? Just because we fight for the same cause doesn't mean we all have the same beliefs," James said, shaking his head. Dumbledore had kept it secret for a reason. You can't try to muscle people into accepting something like that.
Well, there was one thing James agreed with, anyway. Edgar Bones was no Dumbledore.
Edgar kept his mouth shut while Sirius and James spoke, and when they seemed be done, he still didn't say anything. He looked between them with an expression on his face that was more upset than annoyance. He didn't feel good about this. But he'd explained himself as best he could, and there wasn't much else he could do. They could hate him if they wanted, but he wasn't going to stand there and apologize over and over for something that he couldn't change or take back, and he what he'd said before was true too: He wasn't going to lie to them. "What would you like me to say? For all the things I'm not, James, I'm a man of my word and there's not more than that that I can give you. I'm not going to say anything. If Remus doesn't want to tell everyone, then fine, that's that, it's done, there's nothing else to say on the matter. Benjy, well. He knows it's not his place to say anything to anyone else. I'll talk to him at any rate, to make sure we're on the same page." He paused. "As for trust. Well. When you're not busy attacking like contradictory idiots, I trust each of you completely. You're all capable, intelligent wizards, and you're assets to the Order. More than that, I consider you friends. Either way, we all make mistakes. You did, I did, and now here we are. I've explained myself and my reasoning, and you did the same."
Remus knew that this was spiraling out of control and it was only a matter of time before it all came out. No matter what Edgar promised - and Remus did trust that he wouldn't tell - he had a feeling that this was the beginning of the end. The end of his life as he knew it. He wasn't sure what was going to happen, but he didn't feel good about it at all. Then again, did he ever? He was hardly the most positive bloke around. "Thank you, for not saying anything," Remus jumped in quickly before James or Sirius could start again. He knew they were probably disappointed they hadn't been able to yell more. "And I hope you'll be able to keep Benjy from saying anything either." Though he had his doubts about that one. He was still relieved that Benjy wasn't there now.
"I'll do my best," Edgar said, nodding, happy to be done with the situation, if only for now. "I do have to get home. Calypso has an appointment. Have a good day, lads."
Remus nodded to Edgar, relieved that it was all over. For now. He glanced at James and Sirius, hoping they would be civil enough until Edgar had gone, then they could explode as Remus was sure they were dying to.
"That's not good enough," Sirius argued, shaking his head. "You will keep Fenwick from saying anything. Do you have any idea what the ramifications are, if this gets out? If the Order knows? Who's to keep them from telling others? Everyone will turn on him, and you know it. I won't be a part of that. Whether you have any idea or not, this is Remus' life as he knows it at stake. It's not something stupid - it's not like a bloody fucking shagging preference. You saw how the Prewetts reacted to that - you think they're going to welcome Remus with open arms if they know? You think they're not going to tear him to fucking shreds? They did it to me, and it wasn't anything like this. There's a reason no one knows. Fenwick can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut - he should be obliviated."
"Sirius, I'm done with this. Benjy isn't going to tell anybody if I ask him not to. I'm not saying he's going to like it himself, but I am not obliviating him. Believe it or not, I trust Benjy, and with plenty of reason. I'm better friends with him than I've ever been with you lot. Besides that, no matter what I say right now, the moment I leave you're going to bitch about me to high heaven. I could've come in groveling for forgiveness on my hands and knees and you'd still call me a untrustworthy twat, never mind I'd throw myself in front of the Knight Bus for any one of you. Now please, if you'll excuse me, I really do need to go home."
"Oh, listen to you," James said, rolling his eyes, but voice without venom. "You think any of us wouldn't do the same for you, regardless of all this shite? Of course we would, but that doesn't mean we have to just hand over all of our privacy to you just because you've declared yourself leader. I respect you, mate, sure as hell I do and even more now considering some of the things you said, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to lay down and say yes, I'll report to you without hesitation every time you ask, and it certainly doesn't mean I'm comfortable letting you dictate what might happen to Remus' whole life on the promise that you trust Benjy Fenwick."
It wasn't that James didn't trust Benjy, because Benjy seemed like a good enough bloke, but he didn't know him as well as some of the others, and it this was a big thing to trust to someone else. James couldn't believe that Remus was willing to accept that, willing to let Edgar walk out with little more than a halphearted attempt to explain, to be the good guy, and to leave right away. Sirius was right. It wasn't good enough.
"Mate, please," James said, voice softer, trying to appeal to Edgar's compassion with a genuine plea in his voice. "This is serious, all right? It isn't just the Order. Everyone has a person or two or more that they trust implicitly. Things like this get out. With respect, it isn't your life that's going to be turned upside down."
"I know what it is," Edgar said, sighing. His brain felt weighed down by the frustration of this and of everything else in the last week. "I can't. Obliviation is a last resort option, James. If." Fuck he hated being in this position. "Look. Asking where Remus was when I was worried about his wellbeing when he wasn't answering private wards, when you all were having much odder than usual conversations in his journal, and when you were giving me contradictory responses was not asking you to report to me at all times. I'm not a bleeding dictator. You could've made something resembling a rational response to me in a private ward assuring me that, while you couldn't talk about it, you all knew where he was and that he was safe. Instead you lied. Thinly." He paused, fighting the urge to kick something. "I'll talk to Benjy first. If he tells me he won't say anything, I trust him not to. If he fights me about it... we'll do it your way, if it's what Remus wants. Because right now it's the two of you dictating what I should do where Remus' life is concerned. Remus?"
All Remus wanted was for Edgar to leave and to put this all behind them. He didn't feel that he had much choice in the matter, or any real control over what happened from here on. "There's no point obliviating Benjy," he said finally, looking at James and Sirius rather than Edgar, since they were the ones arguing for it. "He's an Auror. He found out because he went digging through Greyback's file. What's to stop him finding out again after he's obliviated? The niffler is out of the bag now and there's nothing we can really do about it. Either Benjy keeps his mouth shut and we keep on as we have been, or Benjy tells and we deal with it then."
Remus wasn't nearly as accepting of any of this as he may have seemed, but what could he do? Throwing a tantrum a la Sirius wasn't going to help him and he had never been prone to dramatics anyway.
"Right. Alright, then," Edgar said. "I'm sorry that it even came to this," he finally admitted, nodding at Remus. "And I'm sorry that you have to deal with this on a day to day basis, and that Benjy and I finding out just makes it worse for you, and gives you more to worry about. I really don't want to make things any harder for you. I'll make sure things stay under wraps." He looked at the other two. "But that's it, for now. Really. I have to go before it's Calypso tearing me a new one. I'll let you know when I've talked to Benjy, and the outcome. See you all later." With that he finally left, out the front door which he shut behind him before apparating home. He hoped his children could distract his brain for a few hours from how overwhelmed and upset with himself he felt for what had happened. What sort of leader was he turning into?
Better yet, what sort of leader was it that he was striving to be?
The door closed behind Edgar and Remus let out a deep breath, feeling rather wrung out after that. It hadn't been as bad as he had feared, but it hadn't been all that good either. It was still a fact that two more people knew his secret. But at least Edgar seemed to have forgotten about the Greyback thing, even after Remus himself had actually brought him back up again, something he hadn't intended to do.
"I need a drink," Remus declared, despite the fact that it wasn't even noon yet. If anything deserved a drink before lunch, it was this. Even with Edgar gone, he still couldn't shake the tension that seemed to have been a part of him since the new legislation had been announced, and now he was waiting to hear about Benjy's reaction. He was always waiting for someone to make decisions about his life, or so it felt.
"I need a bottle at this point," Sirius said, raking his hand angrily through his hair. It wasn't that Edgar was a bad person - because he wasn't. And it wasn't that he'd come in raving and declaring that he was going to out Remus as a werewolf - because he hadn't. But it was the simple fact that it was a secret for a reason; other people didn't understand. They didn't understand how serious it was, or what the ramifications of it were, or why it was so goddamn important to the person actually afflicted. They saw what they wanted to see, and they judged however they deemed fit, and it all turned into one giant mess at the end of it. It was something that drove Sirius out of his fucking mind, that people could pledge themselves to potential death to save the muggles and the muggleborns and the halfbloods, but god forbid that dedication and sense of protectiveness extended beyond that. They were all content to pick and choose whom they deemed worthy of fighting for, and he was sick to fucking death of it. The world shouldn't work that way. "Fuck them all, the fucking bastards. They don't get it."
"He means well, I think," James said, but it was clear his heart wasn't in it. He just collapsed onto the couch and rubbed a hand through his hair. "This is... buggered to hell."
He looked up then, between Remus and Sirius, and shook his head. He didn't think that had gone too badly, considering, and he wasn't about to start drinking before eleven in the sodding morning. Lily'd string him up by his toes if he did, and besides, he had things to do. He may not have an official job, but James was not a man of leisure. Between his responsibilities to his dad and his obligations to the Order and all the preparations for the baby, and not to mention the lovely wife James couldn't get enough of, he didn't really have the time to sit around and spend a day drinking with his mates.
Or, at least not today. But he felt that he'd been neglecting them a bit, what with how busy he was being a grown up now, and he felt bad.
"The Marauders need a blokes' night out," James said decisively. "We need to get our minds off all this shite. No point harping on it, right, but some of us can't just take to drink in the middle of the day like you lot. Irresponsible children. When are you going to grow up like me? Be adults and all that rot?" James leaned back against the couch then, stretching languidly and trying to brighten the mood. "I understand we can't all be as brill as me, but you really aren't pulling your weight. I mean, I practically had to save that kid all by my onesie, you ruddy layabouts."
"Why should we grow up?" Remus wondered, walking over to sit on the couch near James. Despite how reasonable Edgar had been, Remus still felt like he had just been in a duel. Rubbing his face he looked over at Sirius and decided that even if James felt he had to be responsible, then he and Sirius would go and be irresponsible on their own. "It's not like either of us have responsibilities," he added, gesturing between Sirius and himself. Neither of them had someone special, and neither were likely to have children any time soon, so just why they needed to grow up, Remus wasn't sure. Particularly given the way the other three liked to tease him about being old before his time.
Sirius looked horrified at the very notion of growing up, as though he couldn't possibly bear to even think about it. To him, he was as grown up as he was possibly going to be, and that was because he could drink before 11 in the morning, and no one would scold him. Or at the very least, no one would pry the bottle out of his hands, give him detention, and then send him to class. Progress, people. "I'm never growing up," he offered, as though giving Remus an alternative route to his life here. "We spend far too much time having too much adult responsibility heaped on our ruddy shoulders. I'm all for regressing at this point. No one tried to kill me when I was eleven. Besides my mother, but she doesn't count."
James just shook his head, feeling most parts sad for them, but a little bit envious. His life was different now. Lily had changed everything, and most of the time he loved her for that, and he'd never ever want it any other way, but sometimes... Anything that put distance between him and his friends was something he couldn't help but have a bit of a feeling of loss over.
"Yeah, all right," he said awkwardly, almost feeling a little out of place. He wished they were happy. He wanted to believe they were, but he didn't think they were. Not like he was, not like Lily made him. James knew perhaps it was a little closed-minded of him, but he couldn't imagine anyone being as happy on their own as he was with her. He just wanted that for them, even if clearly they didn't want that for themselves. He really ought to stop projecting, and then he thought, Projecting? What the bollocks kind of lingo is that?
"Cor, I am getting old. You'd tell me if I was stodgy though, right mates?" James asked, hoping that even if he was changing that didn't mean his place in their life was becoming null or void. He was still their Prongs, he hoped. "Maybe I'll stay for a bit. That was... you know. And you guys are... you know. You know."