Who: Sirius and Remus What: Talking and Planning Where: Remus' Flat When: Saturday Early Afternoon Rating: R for Language Stauts: Complete
Several hours after James and Peter left, Remus woke up feeling thirsty and interested in that pizze Peter had mentioned earlier. He stumbled out of his bedroom, rubbing his eyes and yawning. His hair was messy and his clothes were rumpled, but he didn't notice. "Hey," he said to Sirius on his way to the kitchen for a glass of water and after draining the glass, he refilled it before joining Sirius on the couch. "Bored yet?" he asked, knowing Sirius' attention span all too well. He felt a bit better after a few hours sleep, but he knew he wouldn't be able to truly relax until after he knew what Ed and Benjy were planning.
"Hey," Sirius replied, looking up from where he'd been sprawled out on the couch. Remus looked... well, adorable, really, all rumpled from sleeping, and Sirius felt a fresh wave of guilt wash over him because of it. Remus, who'd never done anything to anyone, who'd always been there for him even when he'd fucked up, who just wanted to live a normal life - and Sirius had fucked it all up again. Badly. "No, not bored," he replied, shaking his head. He'd been thinking and fretting for hours, was more like it. Thinking about what'd happened, thinking about what to do next, thinking about what Bones and Fenwick would do, what the Order would do... too many fucking things to contemplate. "How're you feeling?"
"A bit better," Remus replied, resting his feet on the coffee table as he relaxed on the couch and drank some more water. "Is there any pizza left? I'm starving." Thinking about food though, reminded him of what he had done last night and he paled suddenly. "On second thought, perhaps best not." He wasn't sure if he could keep it down unless he could get his mind off the images that flashed through his mind.
Sirius was in the middle of sitting up and leaning over to retrieve two slices of pizza when he heard Remus change his mind, and he glanced curiously over his shoulder at him. Remus had gone pale, and Sirius sat back immediately, worried. "Are you okay? You're white as a bloody ghost suddenly." He resisted the urge to reach up and feel Remus' forehead - barely. "Maybe you should be back in bed. I can bring you pizza when your appetite comes back."
Remus shook his head, his expression pained. "It's nothing," he claimed, and took a deep breath. "It's just... It's nothing." He sipped his water and tried to think of something else they could talk about. He knew he had to think fast before Sirius made him talk about this. The horror was too much for Remus to bear alone though, even if he was afraid of what Sirius would think of him when he found out. What James had said about Sirius' feelings would be moot after he found out what had happened last night.
Sirius' brow furrowed in concern, and he wasn' sure if he should press Remus or not. The last thing he wanted to do was add to Remus' stress, or... make him relive anything he didn't want to relive, but that Remus had sort of started to bring it up made him rethink that. "It's okay," he said quietly. "If you need to talk, you know I'll listen."
Remus glanced at Sirius briefly, his expression stark with the horror. There was no other word for it. When Remus had transformed and the memories had flashed through his mind, he had been absolutely horrified. His eyes slid away from Sirius' and he clutched his glass of water tightly. "We went hunting last night," he said bluntly, unable to think of any way to soften the blow. And really, he didn't deserve any sympathy that might come from softening the blow anyway. "Deer."
Sirius frowned when Remus looked away from him, noticing the way he was clutching his glass. They were all bad signs, and Sirius knew something bad had happened. This is all your fault his mind insisted, but he pushed it aside, knowing Remus needed him right now. With a jolt he realised that Remus had said they'd gone hunting, and his stomach flipped spectacularly. It took him a moment to realise just what Remus meant by 'deer', however, and then it hit him hard. Deer. Prongs. "Oh," he said, voice more of a harsh whisper. "Fuck."
Remus' heart was pouding in his chest and it clenched tightly at Sirius' response. He felt even worse, if possible and had to swallow hard to keep his emotions in check (always difficult for him so soon after a full moon, when his control was at its lowest). He couldn't meet Sirius' eyes and felt a wave of shame wash over him. James wouldn't be so quick to defend him once he found out. And he didn't want to think about Ed and Benjy's reactions if they ever found out either.
Sirius reached out to grab Remus' hand, squeezing gently. "It wasn't James," he said immediately, knowing that Remus was putting himself through one hell of a massive guilt trip right now, and that wasn't okay. It wasn't his bloody fault. "It wasn't."
"But it could be," Remus whispered, having to force the words out. He felt sick again and was glad that he hadn't eaten anything. "Next month." And that was the worst part. He would have to tell James, to protect him. And Remus had never thought that James would need protecting from him, even though he knew he was dangerous, the four of them had always managed quite well during the full moons. Well, not that Remus remembered much of it after. This time, the memories were more vivid, and he could remember Moony's triumph at hunting and killing the deer. He was clutching Sirius' hand like a lifeline, but still couldn't meet his eyes.
"No," Sirius said firmly. "Prongs is part of the pack, you know that. No matter what happened last night, Moony knows Prongs. He'd never hurt him." Sirius was adament, especialyl with the way Remus was clutching his hand. "What happened last night was with a deer. Just a deer, and nothing else. And you were with Greyback - you didn't have a choice."
"Moony loved it," Remus admitted quietly, his voice filled with shame and disgust. "He, no, I loved it." He tried to pull his hand free but Sirius was holding on too tightly. His eyes flicked up to look at Sirius, his anguish and guilt clear in his expression. He couldn't handle this, not with everything that was happening all at once. It was too much.
There was no way Sirius was going to let Remus go, knowing he'd probably up and leave the room (and not let Sirius follow.) "No, you didn't," he said, tone firmer, more adamant than before. "You didn't enjoy it. Moony did, because he was encouraged to. But you did not. And you never would. And that was something else entirely, Remus. You would never attack Prongs. And you know Padfoot is always there, so relax. I can't imagine going through what you've gone through, but it's going to be okay. I promise.
As Sirius spoke, Remus stopped trying to pull away and his hand tightened around Sirius' once more, drawing strength from Sirius' adamant tone and his refusal to let Remus go. "I felt sick when I remembered," he said, his voice a bit stronger now that Sirius hadn't condemned him. He really wouldn't have blamed him if he did but was so grateful that he hadn't. "I still do. I've never done anything like that before." As Sirius would well know. Either he was locked up or he was with Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail.
Sirius was relieved to feel Remus' hand tighten around his, and he shifted a little closer on the couch, trying to offer as much comfort as he could. "I know," he said. "And I also know you'll never do it again. We'll be there for you, we always will, and Moony will be back with the pack he belongs in, and things will go back to normal. Or as normal as they ever are, for us," he added with a hint of a smile.
Remus smiled. "True," he agreed, feeling a bit better now. "Besides, it wouldn't surprise me if with this new registration process they make sure I'm locked up securely or something, so we might not get to go out next month anyway." It was not so much a pessimistic view but a realistic one, in Remus' opinion. Besides, he now not only had the Ministry to worry about, but also Ed and Benjy. They might also want to be reassured that Remus wasn't a danger to them all.
"We'll take off for Australia next month, if that's the case," Sirius replied, and while his tone was dry, he meant it. Fuck the Ministry - who knew what they'd try to pull. "We'll run around in the bush or outback or whatever, and then spend the rest of our time on the beach. With our favourite frozen beverages."
Remus smiled at the thought, not actually believing though that it could actually happen. He glanced at his journal then, remembering Ed's entry and sighed. "What am I going to tell them?" he wondered out loud. "I don't know what to say to them now. But I'm definitely suggesting we meet here or somewhere neutral." He really wasn't sure what was going to happen and maybe it was the wolf in him, but he knew he didn't want to have this meeting on their territory.
Sirius nodded as soon as Remus mentioned suggesting a meeting here, or somewhere neutral. "Yeah," he replied, agreeing wholeheartedly. "Tell them that, and... just leave it at that. If they want to meet you so damn badly, they'll come. And don't tell them that James and I'll be there - it'll be much easier that way."
Remus felt a bit like that was deceiving Ed and Benjy, but he needed James and Sirius with him for the strength they gave him, particularly now when he was at his lowest. "Okay. So..." he hesitated, trying to think of the actual words he would write. "Just say 'Meet me at my place on Monday at...' What time is good for you and James? Peter will be at the Ministry, won't he?" That was unfortunate, but couldn't be helped.
"What time's good for me?" Sirius asked, arching a brow. "Whenever - the life of a playboy provides me with a completely flexible schedule," he said dryly. "I'm not sure about James, but I'm sure he'll be there whenever you ask him to. You know him. And it's not like Lily wil protest."
"Well, with the life of a playboy, I wasn't sure if you'd have places to go and people to see on Monday," Remus replied lightly, attempting to tease Sirius while inwardly, his heart ached. He was very aware of Sirius' hand around his and didn't want to draw Sirius' attention to the fact that they were still holding hands in case he pulled away. What was going on with Dorcas? Was James full of shit? It was all so complicated and Remus was too tired to sort it out right now.
"Oh, you know, I've put my busy social schedule on a pause," Sirius said dryly. These days, it was lots of hiding out in the house in an attempt to keep himself (and Dorcas) out of any (more) trouble. It was tiring, behaving. And now with Dorcas out of the house, he was left with the option of... playing with the puffskeins. He was ridiculously fond of them, but still.
Remus didn't respond, thinking instead that while Sirius might not be able to get out and about as much as before, he was still holed up with Dorcas Meadows. It made him grumpier than he had a right to be. James was right; he had missed his chance and couldn't complain now. "I guess I should tell Ed something then, before they start getting restless and just show up or something."
Sirius watched Remus closely when he fell silent, chewing a little on his bottom lip. He felt so bloody awful that this was even an issue now, and he wished there was more he could do. He really wished there was more he could do. "Yeah, that's probably the best idea. Don't worry too much, okay? We'll be there, and you know we'll do whatever's best for you." God, Sirius hoped he didn't fuck anything else up for Remus.
Finally, Remus pulled his hand free of Sirius' and leaned forward to grab his journal. There was a muggle pen on the table and he picked that up too and scribbled a reply to Ed's entry. It seemed a bit stark, written like that, but he couldn't help being defensive. Edgar literally held Remus' life in his hands, and it scared Remus to death. He knew he would survive this, thanks to Sirius, James and Peter. But what was it he was going to have to endure, he wondered. At the very least, he expected to be kicked out of the Order. Although, remembering his secret mission from Dumbledore, he wondered if Dumbledore would let them do that. Or perhaps Dumbledore would just have him continue to do what he was doing, given that he was only reporting to the old man anyway. The rest of the Order had no idea what he was doing.
Sirius hadn't even really realised that he was still holding Remus' hand, and he felt a bit embarrassed when Remus pulled away and reached for his journal. He cleared his throat a little and sat back against the couch, watching Remus as he wrote a quick reply to Bones. This was so fucking fucked. "It'll be okay," he said, after a long moment of silence.
Remus highly doubted it, but he appreciated the sentiment. He gave Sirius a wobbly smile as he closed his journal, not really caring what anyone else had to say yet. "If I end up leaving the Order, for whatever reason, I don't expect you three to leave too," he said firmly. "It's too important."
Sirius gave Remus a Look, eyebrows raising skeptically. "You really think we'd stay in the Order if you had to leave? Not a chance in hell Remus." And he knew James and Peter would feel the exact same way. "What good would the Order be to us then? Only proving that they can't accept people? That they can't work together? That they'll self-implode? We don't need that - we can still fight without that weighing us down."
Remus rolled his eyes, as he so often did when speaking to Sirius. "How on earth can we fight on our own, just the four of us?" he asked, sounding very skeptical. "What can we do that the Order isn't already doing?" Remus had no idea what the Order was doing, but he had to assume that there were others out there with secret missions just like he had. Or at least, he hoped so. Otherwise it seemed that the Order wasn't doing much at all.
"What the hell is the Order doing?" Sirius countered, frowning now. "Besides pushing away its members? Dumbledore's fucked off, everyone's fighting, and meanwhile, the Death Eaters are out there killing hoardes of people. And we're not doing a bloody thing to stop them. So yeah, if we end up having to leave, maybe we'll do more than they are. And without anyone constantly trying to screw up our lives and interfere."
"If we can do so much, why aren't we doing it now?" Remus wondered, though he really had no idea what Sirius thought he could do. But they had accomplished some pretty complicated things at Hogwarts and if they put their minds to it, Remus didn't doubt that they could have some sort of an impact on the Death Eaters.
"Because I can barely leave Jame's dad's place without havign Bones and fuckind Prewett and Fenwick all jumping down my throat? Because you apparently aren't allowed to leave your flat without permission? Because it's all rules and secrecy and all that bloody nonsense, when we should be fighting. Doing more. Doing anything!" Sirius was beyond adamant about this. They had a chance to stop the Death Eaters before it got worse, and they weren't taking it. They weren't taking any of the chances they had.
Remus ran a hand through his hair, and rather than messing it up like James' always was, it smoothed it out. Sighing, he said, "As I have said before, Sirius, countless times, how do you know they're not doing anything? Maybe there are secret things being done that we're not being told." Guild flooded through him as he thought about how he was lying to his three best friends - the same three best friends who had vowed to protect him no matter what and even leave the Order for him. How could he go on lying to them? He couldn't, but he couldn't just blurt it out either. Not without talking to Dumbledore first.
Sirius' frown depened and he shook his head, a little annoyed. "Do you see any progress being made?" he asked bluntly. "Anything being done against the Death Eaters, whether we planned it or not? Because all I see is a big empty nothingness. The Death Eaters keep killing, and... that's it. And it's driving me out of my bloody mind." It made him antsy and angry, made him feel like he was trapped somehow, unable to do anything. He hated feeling restrained.
Remus wanted to tell Sirius what he was doing so badly, but didn't know if he should. He had been sworn to secrecy, but did Dumbledore really believe- Hell, there was his answer. Dumbledore trusted him and he couldn't let him down after all Dumbledore had done for him. A sadness settled over him and Remus rested his head against the back of the couch, feeling far older than his twenty years. "What would you like to do then?" he asked, because while Sirius could rant for England, he had yet to come up with any real solutions.
"Kill them all," Sirius replied promptly. He meant it. "They're all bloodthirsty murderers, they should all be fucking killed. I should've become a hitwizard, then maybe I could take some bloody action." He made a noise of annoyance and shoved at his own hair, brushing his fringe off his forehead. He needed a haircut. "We still don't know exactly who they all are, we're not keeping track of the ones we do know of, we're not after them like we should be!"
Kill them all and they're all bloodthirsty murderers were the words that stood out in Remus' mind. If he didn't know Sirius was talking about Death Eaters, he could easily have been talking about werewolves in language that most people used when talking about werewolves. "What we really need," Remus mused, "is a map of England like our Hogwarts map, but just show where the Death Eaters are. I wonder how difficult it would be to make one." He wondered if that would work for werewolves too. It would certainly help him a lot if it did.
Sirius blinked then went wide-eyed. How had they never thought of that before? It'd be fucking difficult - far beyond fucking difficult - but since when had that ever stopped them? Modesty be damned, they'd become Animagi at the tender age of 16, and they'd done the map. They could do this. "That's fucking brilliant! I mean, it might take a few months" or years "but can you imagine if we did it? If it worked? We'd know where they are at all times! We could anticipate their moves, stop them before they could do anymore harm!"
Remus couldn't help grinning at Sirius' reaction and took great pleasure in Sirius' excitement. It had been too long since Sirius had been excited about something. "The biggest problem really is how bloody big England is compared to Hogwarts. We might only be able to narrow it down to a few square miles but at least that's better than what we've got right now."
"We could start with Diagon and Hogsmeade, those at least we know inside-and-out, and they'd be a good base to have," Sirius agreed, unable to reign in his enthusiasm. Something like this would be priceless, abso-fucking-lutely priceless. Beyond invaluable. "Course Hogsmeade isn't in England, but you know what I mean. Then, if we're able, we could move onto other hot spots."
"We could have separate maps for each of those places, so we can be more detailed and draw them in a larger scale than we could if we were including the whole of the United Kingdom. Though we should probably do one of that as well, even if it just tells us which county they're in. It narrows it down more than just guessing which is what we're doing right now." Sirius' excitement was contagious and Remus was sitting up straighter now, already his mind was thinking through the initial steps they would need to take. "Wormtail will be a huge help again too. He'll be able to get into the back rooms of the Diagon businesses so we can add those in too."
Sirius nodded eagerly, his mind racing a mile a minute. "That's brilliant too," he agreed, thinking it shouldn't be too difficult to pull off the map of the United Kingdom; that didn't need the detail that a more specific map, like Diagon, would need; they'd just need the borders and general areas, and then they'd be able to keep track of that at least. "We could start this week, head to Diagon and let Peter loose."
Remus was in a much better mood now and was so glad that Sirius was there. He was always able to make him smile and laugh. Remus' stomach rumbled and he smiled again. "I'm hungry," he said unnecessarily. "Maybe we could go for a wander down Diagon and get something to eat? We could start making a list of what we need to do."
As soon as Remus' stomach rumbled, Sirius' responded in kind, never one to not want in on food. "I'm starved, let's go," he agreed, shooting Remus an actual grin. He was still a little wound up, both from his earlier anger and now his excitement, but he was relieved to have something to focus it all on - something that'd help. And it was good to see Remus looking better too.