Sirius Black (siriusly_now) wrote in an_ill_wind, @ 2009-05-28 04:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | - 1980/05 may, remus lupin, sirius black |
Who: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin
Where: Remus' Flat
When: 27 May 1980
What: Arguing and Accusations
Rating: R for Language
Status: Complete
It wasn't any one particular thing that Remus had said in the journals that had so thoroughly pissed Sirius off, but more the whole thing in general; the refusal to admit what he was planning, the arguing, the fact that he was actually going to attempt something with Greyback - it was too much. And even though Sirius knew no specifics (something else that riled him up), no good whatsoever could come from that equation. And Remus said he was the one taking unnecessary risks!
He made his way to Remus' flat, striding purposefully up to the door of the tiny flat so he could pound soundly on it. "Let me in!" he called out, resisting the urge to break the wards and kick the door down in a fit of anger.
Remus had decided to ignore Sirius' last comment, so annoyed was he that Sirius was encroaching on his territory. It annoyed him that he even thought of it as his territory and he was sick and tired of dealing with Sirius throwing himself into yet another dangerous situation. Let him know what it feels like to worry about someone, he thought as he scribbled down another reply to Greyback.
It had made him feel sick when he had first spotted the entry, complete with a private message just to him. At first he had wanted to ignore it, but then he had realised that he couldn't. Not with the mission that Dumbledore had given him. Once he started approaching the werewolves, he knew it would probably get back to Greyback pretty quickly, and he would need to have contact with him already established. Now he was continuing to reply to keep the conversation going, trying to ignore how much it was getting to him as Greyback hit all the right buttons.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the pounding on the door and he scowled as he dropped his quill on top of his journal and stalked over to the door. He was already cranky with the full moon approaching, and now to have Sirius arguing with him again, he was spoiling for a fight already. Wrenching open the door, he glared at his best friend. "Ever heard of asking politely?"
"No," Sirius snapped, pushing Remus aside so he could get into the flat (and prevent Remus from slamming the door in his face. Though, given how close it was to the moon, Remus could probably hurl him bodily from the flat if he so desired.)
"You stopped replying on the journals," he said accusingly, feeling an unpleasant mixture of anger, worry and fear knotting up inside himself. "After announcing you had plans with Greyback, in some fucking capacity. Have you gone compeletely mental?"
Remus slammed the door shut when Sirius pushed past him and stalked back to his journal, seeing that Greyback had replied again. He ignored it for a moment though as he gazed across at Sirius. "I think I must be completely mental - for mentioning anything at all to you. I really should have taken a leaf out of your book, shouldn't I? Like when you went after Bellatrix on your fucking own." Shaking his head, he sat down at the table and picked up his quill.
"Or maybe I just wanted you to know what it feels like for me every single fucking time I see you do what you just did in Greyback's journal. Do you have to fucking comment in every fucking Death Eater's journal? Do you really think you're going to stop this war with your quill? Because that's what it fucking looks like and I'm sick to death of seeing you throw yourself in the face of danger, Padfoot. So let's see how you like it, hm?" Glancing down at the page, he skimmed Greyback's comment and began to scribble a reply.
"At least Bellatrix doesn't eat children for fun!" That he knew of. "This is Greyback, Remus, he's a fucking monster and everyone knows it. He'll kill you in a heartbeat." Sirius shook his head, wishing he could will away the sick feeling in his stomach.
He stalked over to the table, leaning down as he stood opposite from Remus, palms slamming down flat on the table's surface. "I'm not throwing myself in danger!" he claimed, even though he knew Remus was right (about everything.) He didn't want to think about what Remus was saying, because it stung (and resonated) deeply. "I'm not going running off after them - after the worst of them - and refusing to tell you anything about it!" Infuriated that Remus was still writing in the journal - and propbably to Greyback - he made a grab for the journal, damn near jumping on the table to get to it.
Catching sight of Sirius lunging for him out of the corner of his eye, Remus grabbed his journal and pushed back away from the table, his chair screeching back on the wood floor. Jumping up, he backed away from Sirius, glaring at him as he clutched his journal close.
"You don't get to stop me, Sirius. Not after all the times I tried to get you to stop and you ignored me. Besides, for all you know I'm commenting to Andromeda about the adorable writing Dora did in her journal."
He actually hadn't gotten around to commenting on that, but was glad he had taken the time to read it before he had come across Greyback's entry.
"You already did run after the worst of them, Sirius, when you went after Bellatrix. She might not eat children, but she knows you and your family far too well and that's dangerous for you. So don't you dare lecture me about putting myself in danger."
Sirius actually growled a little when Remus jumped up, the journal just a little too far from his reach before Remus backed up and put more distance between them. "Give me a fucking break, I know just what you're doing and you know it. Do you have a bloody death wish? Are you looking to get yourself killed? Mauled? Eaten?"
It was horrifically hypocritical, especially after Remus brought up the business with Bellatrix, but to Sirius it all seemed to make perfect sense. Remus was risking his bloody life, and it wasn't right. Anything Sirius himself did wasn't like this, this was different. Somehow.
"That's completely different!" Sirius claimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. "And I stopped myself from meeting her again! But now you're just going to up and go after Greyback, and you won't even tell me what it is you're planning? Not a chance in hell!"
Remus was really annoyed with himself for even hinting to Sirius about what he was doing. Was this how he kept a secret? He was better than this. He knew he had to back down, let Sirius think he had won, but he was so angry, his temper far shorter than usual with the impending full moon. His entire body was filled with tension as he glared across at Sirius.
"Well, congratulations," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You stopped yourself from meeting her again. "Never mind that she almost killed you the first fucking time. Or that the Death Eaters seem to have you on their hit list now, thanks to Dorcas." He held up a hand to pre-empt what he knew Sirius was going to say next. "I know you were probably already on their list, but that attack at Dorcas' probably shot you right to the top of it. Not to mention all the antagonising you do in these." He raised his journal briefly. "So until you stop being so fucking stupid, I think I'll do what I like, thanks. And you can't say anything about it, because no matter what I do, you're worse."
Sirius visibly bristled, the worry and fear he'd been feeling rapidly being replaced with anger. Remus was being a right fucking arsehole, and Sirius was in no mood to take it. "Shut up about Dorcas," he snapped, fists clenching, "she didn't fucking do anything. And you're right, I was already on their list, and if you think killing me wasn't something they'd already considered, then you're out of your mind. I left - that's good enough reason for them!"
He was so angry he could barely think straight, and all he wanted to do was to shake some sense into Remus, despite his own clearly illogical and irrational behaviour. "You're bloody worse!" he insisted, realising vaguely how childish he sounded. "I've done nothing but behave lately! I've been at James' dad's, staying holed up, being responsible! Because you and James told me to! Now you're up and running off instead!"
Remus forced himself to take a deep breath as Sirius spoke, trying to get himself back under control again. He couldn't allow Sirius to get him off track. He had to be the responsible one while Sirius went off half-cocked again. Because as he'd told Sirius in his journal, just because Sirius didn't know about it, didn't mean that people had their orders to follow. And Remus had been dangerously close to letting Dumbledore down, something he swore he would never do.
It took a great deal of effort to relax his body and roll his eyes at Sirius. "As if I'm actually going to do anything that stupid, Sirius. Merlin, you're a drama queen. But I'm glad that you finally know what it feels like for the rest of us when you go off and do something stupid. Perhaps you'll think of that before you go and do something without the rest of us."
Oh the hypocrisy. Remus felt incredibly guilty as he gazed at Sirius, knowing he had just lied direct to his best friend, in person, to his face. But he kept his expression neutral, knowing that when he put his mind to it, he could be incredibly convincing. It had gotten him out of more than his fair share of detentions back at Hogwarts when he had pleaded innocence after their pranks.
Sirius deflated a little, but he still looked - and felt - suspicious as he glard at Remus. "I don't believe you," he claimed, which was only partially true. "And I haven't done anything else without you!" he said again, frustrated. Okay, so they'd sent that leash and collar, but that was anonymous (for the most part) and that wasn't the same as going out to duel with Rodolphus or anyone else with the others.
Sirius shook his head, feeling incredibly out of sorts. "This is so fucked up, Remus. All of this bloody mess."
Remus didn't panic when Sirius said he didn't believe him, forced himself to stay calm and smile sheepishly at him. "Sorry. I know it's a bit unfair, but you kept on doing it and you had no idea how angry it was making me. I had to make you see somehow just how scared James, Peter and I were that you were going to go and get yourself killed one day soon. I mean, you almost died a few weeks ago, for god's sake! Forgive us for being a little on edge after that."
Sirius blinked, expression bewildered at Remus' sheepish smile. "What the fuck?" he asked without meaning to. How had Remus gone from infuriated to sheepish in under a minute? He was completely thrown off, and it showed. Shaking himself mentally, he tried to get his bearings back. "I know - I know, believe me, I know - but I'm just trying to do something. I don't know what else to do! Yes, there's the newsletter, and I want to start working on it, but we're just so fucked right now!"
"And you're not going to help matters by picking fights with people in a goddamn journal, Sirius," Remus responded, a bit more bite to his tone again. He sighed heavily and glanced away, looking for strength. "You need to work on the content of your newsletter and I'll help you print it up and distribute it. But there's nothing we can do unless you have something written down. So how about we aim for having the first one out next week? Or possibly the week after, given that it's the full moon soon."
Sirius scowled, still itching for a good fight. Not that he particularly wanted to fight with Remus, but it felt good to get all his anger out and off of his shoulders. "Fine," he said, sounding snippy. "The week after next, with the moon." He really couldn't pick a fight when talking about the moon, and instead he scowled again, crossing his arms over his chest just to do something.
Thank god, Remus thought when Sirius backed down, though it was obvious that Sirius still wanted to yell at someone or something. "Fine," he agreed, beginning to relax properly. "Then I suppose I'll get back to it, unless there was something else you wanted?"
Sirius bristled again, although he forced himself to stay calm. Or as calm as he could manage. "Get back to what exactly?" And he didn't like Remus' last question, though he couldn't really explain why. "Are you talking to Greyback?"
"No, of course not," Remus blatantly lied, knowing that unless Sirius managed to get his journal off him (and he'd have to pry it out of his cold dead hands) then he would never know the truth. "As if I'd talk to him, after what he did to me. I just wish you wouldn't talk to him either, Sirius."
Sirius watched Remus closely, trying to figure out what was actually going on here. Maybe Remus really had just been baiting him to teach him a lesson. But maybe not. "I don't know," he replied, more to the world in general than to anything Remus had just said. "I only did because how can't you say anything to an entry like that?"
"I can keep my mouth shut because I know that saying something might actually make things worse, rather than better," Remus replied, frowning at Sirius. "What if he decides because of all this attention he's getting that he'll do something worse next time?"
Sirius wasn't sure how to reply to that. Remus certainly made a good point - a very good point - but in the heat of the moment, it was just so bloody easy to forget that fact. "It's not attention, really," he attempted, although it sounded weak and pathetic to his own ears.
Relackmus snorted. "You know, I'm half inclined to believe that you're all over these things for the attention too. You can't honestly believe that ranting and raving in your journal is doing anything to help. You go on and on about how we should be doing something, but writing in your journal is just a complete waste of time. All it really does is scare your friends to death each time they see you doing something stupid."
Sirius looked like he'd been slapped, his mouth open in a small "o" of surprise. There was a long moment of silence, before Sirius shut his mouth, teeth audibly clicking as he grit his teeth in anger. "Fuck you, Remus," he snapped, unable to decide if he was more hurt or more angry by what'd just been said. "Fuck you."
"Well, we keep telling you to stop and you just don't listen." Which frustrated Remus to no end. "I think you get off on it, really. Having everyone talking to you, whether they're threatening you or not. I, for one, am sick of it. So don't you dare come in here and lecture me on what I can and can't do, when you never listen to me anyway."
Sirius balled his hands into fists, just barely resisting the urge to take Remus' fucking head off. "If you're so fucking tired of listening to me, then don't fucking bother anymore." He shoved past Remus as he made his way out of the kitchen (which only made him feel marginally better) and stormed out of the flat, slamming the door with far more force than necessary behind him. Fuck Remus, and fuck his lectures, and fuck all of it.
Remus didn't feel at all better once Sirius had left. He let out a breath and moved back over to sit down at the table. He hated fighting with Sirius, and he hated lying to Sirius. But most of all he hated that he actually had been so angry at Sirius, and still was really. He honestly didn't understand why Sirius felt like he could single handedly save the world and why it was okay for him to do something, but not anyone else. It was just so frustrating that it made Remus want to scream. But he didn't. Instead he opened his journal and replied to Greyback, the werewolfs digs about his friends not understanding cutting even more deeply than they normally would have. Sirius didn't understand at all, and Remus could only deny that to himself for so long.