Dorcas is torn to pieces (certaindoom) wrote in an_ill_wind, @ 2009-08-02 00:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | - 1980/08 august, dorcas meadowes, sirius black |
Who: Dorcas and Sirius
When: Saturday evening
Where: James's dad's house
What: Seeing each other for the first time post-evil
Rating: Low
Status: Completed log
The last few days had been nothing short of a nightmare, even if Remus had been as horrifically stubborn as James had been, entirely unwilling to blame him for what he'd done (and no matter how many times they said that it was all Bellatix's fault, the fact of the matter was that he had done them; he hadn't fought the curse the way he'd always thought he'd be able to, and he'd done all of those horrific things, and he'd enjoyed it, and none of them should ever fucking forgive him again.) The moon had been the worst one ever - ever - and Remus had barely been able to stand the pull of the moon throughout the day, let alone the actual transformation. It made Sirius feel sick to his stomach, thinking about it, and thinking about the aftermath. Remus had nearly died twice, now, and it was all his fucking fault.
He let out a noise of intense frustration, nearly crushing the galleon he had in his palm. He felt restless and uncertain, staying at Mr Potter's, and he'd spent most of the day in the guest room overlooking the immense back yard, spinning the galleon wandlessly in his palm. It made him feel a little sick, remembering the way he'd been able to conjure the Killing Curse without his wand, but he couldn't stop playing with the fucking coin, gaze alternating between the yard and the magic he was creating, the piece of gold spinning and rising and falling without a second thought. Sirius had always embraced his magic, had always wanted to strengthen it, to wield more of it, to better understand it, but now, even just with the stupid parlour trick with the galleon, he found it frightened him. What he could do with it. What he'd done with it. He needed to stop thinking about this.
At the news that Sirius had returned, that he was free from Bellatrix's curse, Dorcas's immediate reaction had been one of relief. Everything was finally starting to set itself right again. And yet she still hadn't quite been able to bring herself to go and see him. She wanted to. She'd wanted to since James had announced his return and yet somehow that desire just hadn't been able to translate itself into action. Truthfully, she was nervous. Would he even be the same person after what he'd done? She knew his actions had not been his own, rationally she knew that, but it still didn't make it any easier to think of what he'd said to her, what he'd done to Ed and to Remus. That the man who she really did love (and that was another issue - the things she had admitted to him while he'd been under the curse) was even capable of doing such horrible things, even under another's influence was almost too much for her mind to comprehend.
But still, she needed to see him. Avoiding him wasn't doing anything for the painful and twisting feeling in the pit of her stomach and so finally she apparated to James's dad's house, returning for the first time since Hogsmeade. As she let herself into the house and started to climb the stairs, the feeling in her stomach became so overwhelming she thought for a moment that she was going to be sick but she did her best to steel herself and push through it. She reached his door and froze, just standing there with her wand unconsciously clenched so tightly in her hand that her knuckles were white. And then finally, after a few minutes, she knocked lightly and pushed the door open before she lost her nerve. Her gaze went immediately to the galleon flying through the air with no wand in sight and she shuddered slightly at the reminder of just what he had done to Ed. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, she thought but it was too late to turn back now and instead she just swallowed heavily before speaking. "Sirius?" she said, her voice uncharacteristically soft and uncertain.
Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his name, and he closed his fist around the galleon, not having intended for anyone to see him fucking about with it. He felt his heart stop and plummet somewhere into his stomach when his gaze fell on Dorcas, and a thousand things ran through his mind as he looked at her, face pale. His expression was a painful looking mix of guilt, worry, uncertainty and something bordering on fear. "Hey," he managed, his voice sounding a little too high, and he cleared his throat a little. He had no idea what to say to her, and was shocked just that she was here, that she'd come seemingly willingly. Everything he'd said to her in the journals echoed in his head, and he felt sick just thinking about it.
It hurt, seeing him like this. Or maybe just seeing him again? She did not know, just that a powerful ache was spreading through her chest as she stood in the doorway and she had no idea what to say to him either. There was a long, awkward silence as she nervously shifted her weight between her feet, her wand still clenched tightly in her hand before she finally spoke. "I... I'm sorry. I should have owled or..." Oh fuck it. It was still Sirius, she reminded herself. Really Sirius. And with that she moved towards him, a bit slowly at first before practically running the last few steps across the room so she could throw her arms around him in a tight hug. "You're... you're really back?" she asked, her voice wavering with emotion. She didn't care that the answer was obvious - clearly he was - she just needed to hear it from him.
"No," Sirius began, shaking his head when Dorcas apologised, and he barely heard her mention owling - she shouldn't have to apologise for anything, especially not now. After everything he'd said and done, not only to her but to the people she cared about, the very last bloody thing she should be doing was apologising in any way. He held his breath as she moved towards him, for once entirely unsure what to do, and then she was running at him and her arms were around him, and he found himself feeling surprised that she wasn't hexing him (or killing him.) Like he'd done when James had hugged him, he hesitated for a moment before he wrapped his arms tightly around her, biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep from saying or doing anything stupid; he was overwhelmed, but he didn't want to let on just how much it was affecting him. "I'm really back," he said hoarsely, arms instinctively tightening around her. "Its me, and I- fuck, Dorcas, I-" It was too difficult to get words out.
Dorcas let out a breath she hadn't even realised she was holding as he hugged her back and told her it was really him and god, she was just so fucking relieved she couldn't even think. Her eyes were welling up with tears and she just clung tightly to him for a long moment, not caring if she somehow managed to drag him right off the bloody bed. Finally she pulled back, her hands still on his shoulders, his shirt balled up in her fists. "Don't ever scare me like that again," she said. And then, without even thinking she released his shirt and drew her hand back to slap him hard across the cheek. Her eyes widened in surprise at her own action and then she threw her arms around him again, pulling him back to her chest. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." she began, but really she had, hadn't she?
Sirius had been selfishly enjoying the feel of Dorcas in his arms again, even as he berated himself for taking any sort of pleasure from any of this, and when she pulled away he meant to finally apologise and put things right, to stop stammering and to get the words out; he was going to wait for her to finish speaking, but then she slapped him, and he stared, mouth slightly open in shock, not having expected that at all. His cheek stung from the force of her slap, but he resisted the urge to reach up and cover it with his hand, knowing full well that he deserved it. What he couldn't understand, really, was why she was hugging him again instead of hitting him. "Don't," he said, voice still hoarse and slightly unsteady. "Don't apologise. You should be hitting me, after everything I-" He stopped. "I'm so- oh god, Dorcas, I'm so sorry. For everything." He could say it a hundred times a day for the rest of his life, and it still wouldn't be enough.
His apology was Dorcas's undoing and the emotions that had been welling up inside of her burst forth as she let out a sob, her tears now streaming down her face. Her arms tightened even further still around him and there might have been some question about whether she was trying to hug him or hurt him but either way she just wasn't letting go. "It's okay," she said, but no, that wasn't really true, was it? "It will be okay," she amended. "I know you didn't- You weren't really you. But you're back now. And that's what matters. Everything's going to be okay again," she said with as much resolve as she could muster. If she could just keep telling herself that, she might actually be able to banish that lingering uncertainty in the back of her mind; the question of how he could have done what he did. She hoped.
"Don't cry," Sirius said quickly, his heart twisting painfully in his chest. He'd done this to her, he'd hurt her when she was already hurt, when she needed him, and he couldn't forgive himself for it - and he didn't expect her to forgive him either. He knew she didn't entirely trust him anymore, and he couldn't blame her; it was obvious he couldn't be trusted. Not after everything he'd done. He reached up to carefully brush her tears away, though he was anticipating another slap (or five) for touching her, even as his other arm tightened around her. Despite his fear of commitment, despite his fear that he would never be able to really love anyone, to love anyone the way real love was supposed to be, despite all of that he cared deeply for Dorcas, and knowing just how much he'd hurt her made him hate himself. More than he already did. "I'm back, and I'm so fucking sorry, Dorcas, I'll never be able to say it enough."
She didn't slap him again. She probably should have for everything he had put her and their friends through. When she'd thought about this moment, about finally having him back, all she'd wanted to do was beat her fists against his chest but now that she was here, now that she was with him again she found she just did not have it in her. Instead she closed her eyes as his fingers grazed across her cheek, his soft touch just making her cry harder. She didn't really know what to say to his continued apologies. She would forgive him, even if she was not quite at that point yet but she couldn't quite bring herself to trying to reassure him that it wasn't his fault or that he hadn't really meant it, even though she could see how much he was suffering. Not when she still couldn't understand. Opening her eyes again, she looked down at him, her hand touching his reddened cheek where she had slapped him, but gently this time. "Just... tell me you didn't mean it. What you said, what you did... Promise me you didn't mean any of it. That you tried to fight the curse but you couldn't or..." She wasn't really sure what it was that she needed to hear, but she needed more than his apologies. She needed to understand how someone who she had believed to be a genuinely good person could do those things.
Sirius looked nearly close to tears himself, but Sirius Black Did Not Cry, and had never, to his knowledge, actually done so. He wasn't sure he was even capable of it. That made him wonder if he was as much of a monster as he'd been with Bellatrix, but he had to push that thought aside or he'd lose it completely. Dorcas was in his arms right now, and trying to make some semblance of sense out of all of this was the most important thing. "I didn't mean it," he all but whispered, gazing up at her as she touched his cheek, the sensation at once soothing and stinging. "I never would've meant it, any of it." His tone was almost desperate, pleading with her to believe him. A part of him wanted no one to forgive him, to just drive him out once and for all, but the rest of him craved acceptance once more, at least from the people he cared the most about. "I fought it and-" He stopped, looking horrified with himself. "Remus saw- I fought it off but she- I kept trying, I knew it wasn't right but- Then I knew what was happening and I-" He stopped, feeling sick to his stomach, his face paler than it'd been before.
Dorcas probably should have let the matter drop as it was clearly a cruelty in its own right to ask Sirius to talk about what happened; to make him relive it like this. But while she was at least somewhat reassured by his words, she still needed to know more. "Then what?" she asked gently, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. She kept her hand gently on his cheek as her other went to brush away her tears before taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. "It seemed like you might have been fighting it... a couple of times in the journals. But I didn't understand why... why you didn't run away or... how you could... what you did to Ed." She looked away for a moment and when her gaze went back to Sirius's face, her own expression was a pleading one, silently begging him to somehow make it all clear to her. To say something that would make it all okay.
Sirius went from pale to chalk white, and he eased it hand out of Dorcas' grip so he could lean forward, hiding his face in his hands. The memory of what he'd done to Ed made his stomach twist and lurch, and for a moment he was nearly certain he was going to be sick - again. He'd been sick in the backyard with James, and he'd spent most of the day yesterday being sick, after seeing Remus' transformations. It was so unlike him, but his body seemed to be physically rejecting all of the things he'd done, and he couldn't help but think it wasn't punishment enough. "Her instructions," he mumbled, horrified and deeply ashamed, "were... She's so fucking strong." It killed him to admit it, to know that she was stronger than he was, to know that she'd made a puppet out of him. "It was the Imperius," he said, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. "It's not a curse just to be thrown off, or to run away from, or to- everytime I began to break it, she was there. Fixing it. Strengthening it."
Dorcas remained quiet as Sirius spoke, her hand retreating to her lap as she tugged awkwardly at the hem of her shirt, staring down at the floor. At his admission, she actually felt bad for all of her expectations, for that insistent voice in the back of her mind that had kept telling her he should have been able to fight it. But really, it was not as if she had ever been put under the imperius curse. She didn't know what it was like, just what she had read about it which had all been about how to throw it off, but theory was different from reality, she reminded herself. Especially if Bellatrix had just kept casting it again and again...
She remained quiet for a long moment, just silently processing all of this and then finally turned back to Sirius, tugging his hands away from his face and gently lifting his chin to meet his gaze. "Okay," she said softly, her expression one of forgiveness and understanding. "It's okay. You didn't mean any of it, you tried to fight it... Then there was nothing you could have done, right? It's not your fault," she said, now that she actually believed it.
It was beyond difficult, to meet Dorcas' gaze, to look her in the eye; he didn't think he wanted to see her expression. He was surprised, as he'd been with Remus and James, when she said it was okay, when she all but forgave him, and he shook his head once, slowly. He so desperately wanted them to forgive him, to know that it hadn't been him, to trust him again, but at the same time he couldn't accept it, couldn't just let them forgive him and leave it at that. Sirius was particularly adept at being masochistic, and now more than ever it was quite clear. "I know it- I know I would never, never, but I can't stop seeing it." He desperately wanted to be obliviated, but he knew he could never go through with it - especially not after he'd hurt so many people. To have his memories wiped clean would be the cowardly way out, and no matter how strong the urge to run was, right now, he could never go through with it. "I never wanted any of this to happen. What I said to you-" He stopped again, looking pained. "I didn't mean a word of it."
Dorcas frowned slightly, her brow furrowing at the reminder of his words. In terms of what he had done to them - or what Bellatrix had made him do to them, she reminded herself - she had actually gotten off light in comparison. Which hadn't made it any easier to hear, or read. And really, even though she was forgiving him, she still couldn't help but think that it was probably a good thing that he had the memories of what he had done stuck in his mind. Not out of any desire to see him suffer, but so that in time they would be a reminder of what they were fighting against. "It's okay," she said again, trying to reassure him as she pulled her legs up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around him again. "I did mean what I said. Most of it anyway, not the parts about you being a horrible person. But..." She hesitated for a moment, taking a breath as she realised that some things were easier to say in writing than to his face. "I love you. And I don't expect you to say it back or anything so please don't run away, just let me feel the way I feel. I love you and I forgive you." And then she gave him the faintest hint of an admittedly sad smile before kissing him softly.
Sirius looked a bit like he'd been hit in the head with a bludger, mouth slightly open again as he tried to make sense out of what Dorcas had just said. How could she be in love with him? Not after just this, but after everything? Sirius knew lust, and he knew infatuation, and he was, as egotistical as it sounded, used to it by now. He was a passing fancy for many, a one night shag when the urge struck, but he wasn't this; his own parents didn't love him, and he couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the idea of anyone else actually feeling that way for him. Especially not now, not Dorcas, after what he'd said and done to her. How he'd taunted her, thrown her feelings back in her face - nearly killed her best friend. The little fucking things, really. His eyes closed when she leaned in and kissed him, and his hands found her hips, fingers curling in the fabric of her shirt. "I don't know how you can," he murmured, not able to pull himself away.
"Yeah well... some things don't make a hell of a lot of sense," she replied quietly, her lips still brushing lightly against his. Really, it didn't. If she'd possessed any ability at legilimency she would have said that everything Sirius was thinking, it was all true. But Dorcas had always been a person who ran more on emotion than reason and even if she couldn't explain why or how she felt the way that she did, that she felt that way was enough. "I can't explain it. I've never actually... well it's all kind of new to me. But after everything... Even after what happened, I just kept going back to how much I missed you. The real you. And nothing you did or said... it hurt, it made me angry, confused... more emotions than I can list really. But it still didn't change how I felt about you. Which is how I know..." Too many words, she decided, realising that none of them were actually doing much to explain her feelings and instead she just kissed him again. Showing him how she felt seemed a hell of a lot easier than trying to say it.
Sirius shook his head lightly, forehead pressed against hers, still thinking Dorcas was out of her fucking mind. But maybe that was why they worked. It was a surreal thought, really, that anything worked right now, that the people he cared about were somehow still here, no matter how insane he might find it. "Dorcas, I-" he began, but then she kissed him again, and it was so much easier not to speak, not to struggle to find the right words when he didn't even know what the right words were; this was easier, and shockingly real. After being nothing more than a puppet for so long, feeling his own emotions, no matter how difficult or overwhelming they might be, was amazing. He tightened his grip on her hips slightly, wanting to feel how real she was, without doing anything to frighten her away. He'd said he wanted to- but no, that wasn't this, and he tried his best to focus instead on kissing her back, feeling her mouth moving against his, even if he couldn't understand this.
It was probably better for both of them that neither of them tried too hard to understand. Dorcas was pretty sure it might break her brain just as she was finally piecing things back together if she thought too hard and instead she too went for just accepting the physical comfort she had been craving ever since he'd disappeared. One hand moved to where he was clutching at her hip and she just covered his hand with her own, squeezing slightly to silently let him know it was okay. He was allowed to touch her, to cling to her even, and she wasn't going to run away. Her other hand moved to his hair as she held him close, deepening their kiss ever so slightly. She wasn't sure she was ready for much more than this - not yet, not when it brought thoughts of Alecto Carrow and his hands around her neck and... No. No, she wasn't going to think about that. Her kiss suddenly turned almost desperate as she fought to push those thoughts from her mind and when she finally pulled away, leaving her forehead resting against his, she was slightly breathless. "Just... promise me, you'll never, ever go off to face that woman alone again."
Sirius' breath hitched slightly when the kiss turned more desperate, and when Dorcas pulled away he let go with his free hand, reaching up to gently cup her cheek. She meant so damn much to him, and he was afraid of doing anything to ruin this tentative... whatever it was between them. He didn't want to hurt her, or frighten her, or push her away more than he already had. "I promise," he said softly, meaning it. "I won't ever again." He'd thought he could handle anything Bellatrix threw his way, that he'd always escaped (mostly) unscathed, that he could handle himself, but he'd been wrong; so fucking wrong, and just look at what had happened. "I've had enough trying to prove myself." And failing. Spectacularly.
"Good," she replied softly. "I can't stand the thought of you ever- She's done enough damage. And we'll make her pay for it. We'll just do it together. As many of us as it takes." Dorcas was absolutely firm in her resolve - she was done seeing her friends torn apart by the Death Eaters and was ready to do whatever it took to take them down, or at least she believed she was, but now didn't really seem like the time for and I'm planning on using myself as bait to do it. She had every intention of bringing Sirius in on her plan now that he was back, especially since Ed and the twins and really everyone seemed too distracted with their own problems to mount an attack and... no, that wasn't a particularly helpful line of thought either. "We'll make everything okay again," she said, giving another squeeze to his hand.
Sirius didn't particularly believe that anything was going to be okay anytime soon, but he didn't want to risk losing this - whatever this was. He had no idea how James and Dorcas and Remus could just forgive him so blindly, could just write off everything as Bellatrix's doing, as the curse, and leave it at that (and he probably never would understand it) and while a part of him thought he should be punished more - had to be punished more - the rest of him was afraid of losing everyone he really cared about for good this time. Especially so soon after reconciling. "Okay," he agreed, watching Dorcas with an unreadable expression. It was so damn good to have her here, to see her and hold her again, but he didn't want to let himself enjoy it, after everything he'd said to her.
"Okay," she said firmly, trying to assure him as best as she was able and she gave him another soft kiss. Even if she didn't really know how they were going to make it okay after everything - she had her plans and her ideas but that was just to strike back, not to win against a Ministry that was controlled by the Death Eaters and they just kept getting hurt and... Dorcas sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "You should probably rest," she said more softly. There was a slight hesitation and then, "I could stay with you for a while? If you want." She wasn't really sure what to say to him at this point but now that she finally had him back, she was reluctant to leave.
Sirius was still mostly convinced that this was some sort of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or whatever the bloody fuck it was, and that if Dorcas stayed, she'd wake up in a few hours, scream her head off, and run as far from him as humanly possible. In the meantime, he was hardly one to turn down company, even if he was certain he didn't deserve it in the slightest, and so he found himself nodding in agreement. "Yeah," he said, voice as quiet as Dorcas'. "That... that'd be nice."
And maybe she would. For all that she said that she was forgiving him and that everything was going to be okay, it was not as if she could just forget everything that had happened. But for now, she was happy to stay with him, to try and help him through this and mostly just enjoy his company again. She crawled to the other side of the bed so she could lean back against the pillows next to him and she wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, just as he had done for her not so long ago. Even if it felt like it had been some kind of previous lifetime. "It's just good to have you back," she assured him.
"It's good to be back," Sirius agreed, speaking more into her shoulder than anything else. He didn't know how she could even touch him right now, but it felt too bloody good to bother questioning yet again, and for the moment he was going to be his usual selfish self and just take this while he could. "Thanks," he added, in a rather small voice, and while he hated how weak and vulnerable he felt, he knew that if he dwelt on that he'd end up losing even more of his mind. With a sigh he closed his eyes, trying his best to relax and get some rest - Dorcas was right, he did need it.
"You're welcome," she replied, rubbing gently at his shoulder as she tried to help him relax and fall asleep while not letting her own mind drift at the same time. It pained her to see Sirius so weak and she was once again torn between wanting to help and thinking that some degree of suffering on his part was probably warranted. Needed? She didn't know. It was complicated. More so than she cared to consider at the moment. Instead she closed her eyes as well and tried to let herself drift off to sleep.