James Buchannan Barnes (winterinmysight) wrote in abaeterno_rpg, @ 2021-10-29 09:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, c: bucky barnes, l: necrohelm |
RP: Bucky
Who: Bucky Barnes
When: 29 October -
Where: The mountain outside the hotel
What: Things are confusing and Bucky is very confused and alone.
Bucky was at a loss.
It wasn't an unusual feeling for him, if he thought about it. He'd been at a loss ever since Steve broke him out of Hydra's compulsion. Trying to find whatever pieces of himself were left while on the run from governments that rightly wanted him dead. Working with Shuri to remember how to function like a real person after the trigger words were deactivated. Finding his way after Steve disappeared while reliving seventy years of hell for government's pleasure.
It was a familiar feeling, alright. One he thought he was finally getting passed once Sam took up the shield and the two of them started working together.
Then he landed here.
Well, not here. At the moment 'here' was a rocky outcrop of the mountain the hotel was perched upon. He'd climbed down because he didn't have the stomach for climbing up to the tower, but he needed someplace no one would think to look for him. Given his distaste of heights, scaling down the side of the mountain seemed like a good option. As close to a sniper's nest as he was going to get and a sniper's nest did him no good without a target.
He had a bottle of...something...Witch Hazel had brewed up for him. Didn't think it would do the job and get him drunk enough not to think. But, it tasted like the rotgut bootleg that came out of Norilsk. So, it was good enough to let him pretend.
Pretend he knew what the fuck he was doing.
Pretend he was okay.
Pretend he wasn't terrified he was watching his friendship with Steve collapse irrevocably.
Taking a swig from the bottle, he flicked one of his new throwing knives into his palm and threw it in a perfectly straight line as hard as he could. He'd been out in the woods to test them out, see what the range was on the boomerang effect. So far, it seemed like it was automatic, when the forward momentum ceased, it turned around. Up here, as long as he threw in a perfectly straight line, there was no danger to anyone but himself. And, that only if he didn't catch it on the way back.
As he watched it come back, he found himself hesitating a moment before reaching up to catch it before it buried itself in his right shoulder.
Hadn't he said it before? It would have been better for everyone if Bucky had just stayed dead?
He threw the knife again, then took another swallow from the bottle.
Drinking and throwing knives while wishing he was dead was not a healthy coping mechanism. Even Bucky knew that much. But, having gotten used to talking a bit, he now had no one to talk to. The person who was his first instinct to talk to about anything, -- the one person he'd never had reason not to trust before, -- didn't want to talk to him, didn't trust him, and thought he was as bad as the goddamn Nazis!
He caught the knife with his left hand and threw it back out with increased viciousness.
Sam was in another world, out of reach. And what was to say he wouldn't agree with Steve? Wouldn't think that Bucky's judgement was compromised because he was willing to give Loki and Theo a chance, or two? Sam knew even better than Steve what had happened with Zemo. Although that had been different. Bucky had never trusted Zemo past the mission to stop the super soldiers. He'd never considered the man a possible friend.
The knife flew back toward him and he hesitated again before catching it.
He'd found himself willing to open up a little with Loki and Theo both. But, he could hardly confide in them when his biggest problem was his best friend hated him for trying to be their friend! What was he going to say? I know he's been an asshole to you, but I honestly don't know if I can deal with losing him? He's the only family I have left and it would kill me to lose that, even though the alternative is giving up this new friendship for him?
Grabbing the bottle, he didn't take another swallow, but instead threw it against the mountainside with all his strength, the satisfying sound of shattering glass doing nothing to sooth his irritation as the knife came back to him. Maybe this was the end of the line, he thought, throwing the knife back out again. Maybe this was nothing more than his chance to actually say good-bye to Steve before the universe sent them on their way?
The only thing keeping them together at all was the shared room at the hotel. When this stop was over, Steve would go back to his room, Bucky to his, and that would probably be it. Stubborn little punk would hold a grudge forever, avoid talking, avoid working together, and Bucky would be left to watch him throw himself at every enemy going without being allowed to have his back because Steve may not have said it in so many words, but he made it pretty clear that he didn't trust Bucky anymore. And if he didn't have Steve's trust...what did he have left?
Maybe, for once, it was time to let Steve go? Bucky could stay here. The people here didn't see him as a villain, didn't look at him like he'd betrayed everything they stood for. He could work with them, find ways to subvert the weaponry used to assault the barrier.
The knife came back and he reached for it before it could reach him, slipping it back into it's holster alongside it's siblings.
Bucky had spent a long time coming back to Steve just like that boomerang knife, devoted himself to always being there to watch his best friend's back, to be there for him no matter how difficult it was. He'd stood by and smiled while his own heart was breaking over the romance between Steve and Peggy Carter. He'd clawed himself back to as close to himself as he could get because he'd thought Steve deserved better than a broken weapon the way he seemed to keep hanging his life on their friendship. Hell, he'd gone to work with Sam because he'd thought it would be what Steve wanted.
And, now, again, they finally had the chance to work through all the shit that had kept them apart, Steve was seemingly willing to throw it all away because they disagreed about Loki's ability to reform.
So, maybe this really was it. They get the job done here and then, when the conductor called them back, Bucky would simply...miss the bus.
The sounds of a battle drew his attention and he turned his head to catch a familiar streak of red and gold apparently facing off against an even more familiar blond bearing an icon disc of patriotic red, white, and blue. The sight caused Bucky to tense for a moment, watching to see if this was a problem or...no, it had to be sparring. None of those strikes were calculated to incapacitate. Bucky moved further back against the side of the mountain, keeping the rocks at one side of his ledge between him and the view so neither man would be as likely to see him up there. Hopefully the sounds of the combat had been enough to cover the breaking bottle against the mountainside.
Bucky might have climbed back up, but movement would just draw attention and by the time he could move again, it would mean they were gone and he was safe to stay up there. He would just look the other way and try not to turn into an unwitting spy.
But, wasn't this just more proof he wasn't needed here? Or wanted?
It was only Bucky that Steve wanted nothing to do with at all. He had Stark and Romanoff to look after him. The Avengers had been enough for five years, right? Bringing Bucky back had been just a side effect of doing the right thing for everyone. In a month, Steve would have forgotten why he had ever wanted Bucky around now that his real friends were there.
If he wasn't trusted or wanted, why keep fighting to stay?
Even as he thought it, he knew he wouldn't do it, couldn't do it. He'd never truly given up on Steve. Even when he'd been angry with him for not coming back, he'd always believed there was a reason. That reason might have been Peggy Carter, but who was Bucky to resent his best friend falling in love? It hurt like hell, but if it made Steve happy... And maybe that was it. He knew Steve wasn't happy. In fact, he suspected Steve was miserable, even without their fight. He couldn't just up and leave unless he was absolutely sure he was what was making Steve unhappy and that his leaving would make Steve happier.
Fuck. He was so tired of fighting. But, for Steve, it seemed, he'd fight until there was actually nothing left in him.
If only he knew how to win this particular fight to save their friendship...