Once More with Feeling Who: Adam and Kyle Where: around the hotel When: afternoon
This was the worst day of Kyle's life. He didn't know where he was, he didn't know how he got here. He hurt all over. And he was fairly sure that since apparently he wasn't dreaming, he really had had some kind of a psychotic break. The only thing which was nice about today was the bubble bath which he had taken. Oh, and the room number he had for Adam - who was the closest thing he had to a friend around here. That was assuming that Adam was even real and not a figment of his imagination. Either way, he was a glow of certainty in this uncertain world, and so Kyle was going toward that light. Even dressed as he was in a borrowed white robe, fastened over a towel which he had slung round his hips. He hadn't actually bothered to dry himself after getting out of the bath. He had nothing on his feet, and his clothes were bundled under his arm as he walked through the hotel and up to Adam's room. He knocked on the door.
Adam had been left, standing in the lobby which meant he'd gone back to his room. His stuff to change out of his contact was in the bag, which worked out nicely because it was a little easier to cry in his glasses, so he switched to them. He really hadn't cried, not more than leaking a tear here and there, but he was older now. Not the little kid with no home. But he was feeling left behind. And more than that he felt like a bad guy. Monica wouldn't let him see Kyle and really he couldn't blame her. Who would trust him?
He'd sprawled on the bed, ratty old teddy bear near him, going through the pictures. His parents, him as a kid before they died, their house, which he barely remembered anymore. The knock shook him from the vague memories and he frowned as he got up and opened it, completely surprised to see Kyle there. He'd given up on seeing him. Monica wouldn't let him and Kyle probably didn't want to see him anyway. "Kyle?" He had to be imagining him, especially given the robe and the wet hair or something. Though points for Adam's vivid imagination because that was a sight.
The glasses confused Kyle, and it showed in his expression. He tilted his head to the side slightly and looked at Adam. Then he stepped forward, reached out and traced a finger along the upper edge of one side. "I don't know what's happening," he admitted, as he did so. "I tried to leave, but it brought me right back. I walked out of a bathroom and a woman threatened me with a lamp, then got me to take a bath." He still smelled of the scented bubbles he'd used. "Then she came back and told me that I wasn't dreaming and where you were and I think maybe I've gone crazy." Adam was just as confused by the look, at least until he realized he was wearing his glasses because Kyle was touching them. And Kyle smelled good, a fake good, but good. "Right I...I was going to come and find you but she wouldn't let me. She thought I would hurt you." He really should move back from the doorway but he was stuck. "I don't know what's happening either."
"Am I crazy?" Kyle asked Adam.
"No," Adam said emphatically. "Not at all. This is crazy. But you aren't. You're just...going through some stuff." He smiled a little which had his brain working again, making him move out of the way so Kyle could come on and he could close the door behind him.
Kyle walked into the room and sat down on the bed, dropping his clothes bundle on the floor. "I just... I don't understand." He looked up. "Any of this."
Adam was a little at a loss, mostly because he noticed Kyle's clothes for the first time and it left him wondering what he had on under the robe. "I don't either," he admitted, moving past Kyle to pick up his things, the pictures and the bear, meaning to put them in his bag. Kyle watched him, looking surprised when he saw the bear. "I never imagined you with a teddy bear," he admitted. "Then again, I never imagined you with glasses. There's so much I don't know about you." So much he had before decided that he wasn't going to find out. Before, when he had tried to leave, tried to walk away. And found himself back where he started. Feeling like he was crazy, but apparently he wasn't. Adam was the only thing he knew for sure, and Kyle was going to cling to that.
"I don't have one...it's not really a thing," Adam said shoving the bear deep in his bag. "It's all I have left of them," he admitted because there wasn't a point in lying to Kyle. "I don't sleep with it. It lives in a drawer and I...I haven't seen it in a while." His cheeks heated up as he adjusted the glasses. "I never usually wear them. Only before bed sometimes." He wanted to smile but couldn't feeling too embarrassed. Kyle had seen him at his worst. "It's okay. You can still learn it." Of course he'd forgotten that Kyle didn't want to learn it.
You don't have to be embarrassed," Kyle told him, wanting to reach out for Adam, but he didn't. Assuming he wasn't crazy, Adam had been pretty clear about the friends thing. Plus, Kyle still hadn't got Harry sorted out in his head. Kyle hadn't really got anything sorted out in his head. "I don't mind - about the bear. Or the glasses." Actually, they were both kind of cute, which Kyle resolutely wasn't saying. "And I'd like to learn more about you. I - I don't think walking away worked all that well for me. I'd quite like to change my mind and stay with you, if that's okay?" He hoped it was.
"Yeah well I kind of look like a wuss," Adam said, looking over at Kyle. That Kyle wanted to say surprised him, having him cross the space to Kyle and sit next to him. "You want to stay...here?" He hated that he sounded a little eager because eager didn't really make sense did it?
Kyle blushed, his eyes going wide as he realised how what he had said had been interpreted. Oh God, it had sounded just likes that, hadn't it? It had sounded different in his head! "No! I mean, obviously, that is... not here here, because this is your room and you wouldn't want me here. Of course. And I've got, I mean, I woke up in my own room. Not that I know where that is or anything, but... I have a room, so... I don't need to... you can have your own space. I just meant... I want to go wherever you go." Because, yes Kyle. That sounds so much less creepy. he thought to himself dropping his head to his hands. It was then he realised what he was wearing. Or, more to the point, what he wasn't wearing. Oh God, you come into a guy's room, practically half naked, and pretty much proposition him. After it's been established that he's not even interested. "I'm pathetic," he moaned. He looked up. "And you're not a wuss. In no world could you ever be a wuss. And - I should get dressed. I'm so sorry," he said, picking up his jeans for starters.
"I never said I didn't want you here," Adam said, trying to swallow his disappointment because he wasn't sure why he felt disappointed. "I remember where your room is too. But you can stay here as long as you want. In whatever you want." He smiled a little and shook his head. "Why would you be pathetic? You're not. And I am a wuss. But it's okay."
Kyle stood and slid on his jeans anyhow, feeling slightly less vulnerable with them on. He fished out the damp towel from underneath the robe and rubbed it over his head, before deciding it was just as bad job and dropping it. "Thank you. I really appreciate it." He paused, then admitted, "I kinda don't want to be alone right now. Which is one of the many reasons I'm pathetic. As for you, having a teddy bear and wearing glasses does not make you a wuss. I... think the glasses suit you. As for the bear... it has sentimental reasons and that's really important."
Adam watched the whole process of Kyle putting on his jeans. The whole thing. Just stared at him. It was probably embarrassing if he realized he was doing it. "That doesn't make you pathetic. I don't want to be alone either." He shrugged a little and looked at his hands. "Sentimental is kinda wussy."
Kyle didn't notice the staring. He was too screwed up over everything to notice much of anything really. He sat back down next to Adam, and if it was closer, then it was totally because Adam looked like he needed some support right now. Friendly support. He knocked shoulders with the other man. "Sentimental isn't wussy," he said, looking over with a smile and a look that he hoped wasn't too soft, but which might have been. He didn't think too much about the robe now he had jeans on. He didn't think about how it was loosened by the movement. How it had started to gape. The flashes of flesh now clearly visible beneath. The edges angry purple bruises which were now visible to anyone who might be looking at that skin. "It is. It's been a long time I shouldn't care," Adam said as he looked at Kyle, not able to help the way his eyes drifted lower to all that exposed skin. He was seriously not at all sure why he was looking at least until he noticed the bruises. "What the hell?" He asked, pushing the robe away.
Kyle flinched as Adam touched him like that. He leaned away from the other man, grasping the collar of the robe to bring the two sides together. "It doesn't matter. It's done now," he tried, using the same argument as earlier on.
"Like hell!" Adam felt his anger well up instantly. Then he was reaching for the tie of the robe to undo it. "Did he do that to you?"
Kyle shrank back even more, but he let Adam pull the robe open. The bruises were clearly still developing. One large dark patch lay over his left ribs. Another area wrapping round his right side and around to the back, around the level of his kidneys. As the robe fell away, marks that looked like nothing more than a Hampton could be seen on his upper right arm. "Please don't be angry at me," he said, his voice small and clearly frightened.
Adam's eyes cut up to Kyle, his anger melting away. "I couldn't never be angry at you for this Ky," he said gently. "I'm angry at him. You can't go back to him. You can't." He reached for the bruise on Kyle's ribs but didn't touch him, not wanting to hurt him. "Can't leave the hotel anyway," Kyle said, going for 'light and jokey and instead getting 'scared and tearful’.
"I'm serious Kyle. Please?" He looked at Kyle's injuries and shook his head. "How could he? Did he kick you in the side?" Instantly Adam just wanted to take care of Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "No, he just... He threw me out. There was... a table and a sideboard. The wall. He was angry." They weren't excuses. With the way Adam was looking at him, Kyle just felt ashamed.
"Oh my god," Adam said, not sure what else to say. After a moment he found Kyle's eyes, searching them for a moment before shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel like I should have known. I should have been there for you before this." Kyle reached out then, lacing his fingers with Adam's. "This isn't your fault, A," he said, quietly. "I promise, I'm never going back to him. When we leave here, I'm coming home with you. Remember, you said you'd get a couple of friends to go round and collect my things." Nevermind that Kyle had told Adam he didn't want that anymore. That had been before things had taken a turn for the crazy. When Adam had just been a guy that Kyle liked and was attracted to, rather that the solid rock that Kyle had now set him up to be.
Adam looked at their hands, feeling his cheeks heat up because no one had ever held his hand like that. "You still want to come?" He asked. "Cause I'll never let him hurt you again. Not anyone."
Right now, Kyle felt like he would follow Adam to the ends of the earth. Possibly that was just his penchant for overdramatics speaking though. "I'll still come," he confirmed. "I'm... sorry about earlier."
Adam squeezed Kyle's hand. "Okay. Good." He blushed again, glancing at Kyle. "I'd like you being there anyway."
Kyle was both uncertain and eternally grateful not to have to deal with his apology and what exactly that entailed. It was easier to acknowledge he had feelings for Adam when he was walking away. Now that he wasn't, he was hoping that all that could simply be forgotten about. "I'm really glad I'm not crazy," he said, leading with that as he shrugged off the robe, which was now near enough off anyhow, and leaning to snag his shirt.
Only that was all Adam was thinking about. Why Kyle had said he liked Adam and now Adam wanted to know what it meant. Or how it coincided with the way he was staring at Kyle again. "I'm glad you're not either."
Pulling on his shirt over his head, Kyle smoothed it down over his chest and tucked it into his jeans. "I know you think it's wussy, but given that we're currently celebrating the fact that I'm not crazy, maybe you'll humour me - and let me meet your teddy bear," Kyle asked him with what he hoped was a winning smile.
Adam was too lost in watching Kyle dress and change and then that smile and he was saying yes before he even realized he was doing it. Then he didn't have anything else to do but get the bear out of his bag and hand it to Kyle. It was obviously old, well loved but still intact. He went for the pictures too, flipping through them until he found the right one. "Here," he said, handing the picture over as well. It was his parents and a toddler holding a brand new bear.
Kyle took the bear, and the pictures. Holding the bear in the crook of his arm, almost like cradling a baby, he looked at the far younger Adam. His eyes batted up to meet the other man’s. “You were a really cute kid,” he said with a smile. “These your parents?”
Adam nervously fidgeted with his glasses as he sat next to Kyle. "That's them," he said with a weaker smile. He missed his parents, that much was clear but he also barely remembered them, which made missing them seem silly to him.
"Tell me about them?" Kyle suggested, flipping onto another picture.
Adam chewed on his lower lip a little, not sure where to start. "They were...they were good people. That much everyone says. And I remember there was a lot of playing. Music and laughter, things like that. "I was five when they died. And there wasn't anyone else. It was just the three of us so...I went into the system."
“What happened to them?” Kyle asked, half an eye on Adam, and half an eye on the pictures in his lap.
Adam looked pained for a moment. He didn't talk about it much. Jeffrey had gotten the story once and never really brought it up again because he knew it and didn't need to hear it again. It had been years since he'd said the story out loud. "They were in a car accident. A drunk driver hit them. My fa...Dad died at the scene, and Mom in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
“Bastard,” Kyle said, with feeling. Life could be so unfair at times. People who lived their lives with no thought of others, of the consequences of their actions. They deserved to suffer for what they had done. He included himself in that. He knew that a part of him felt that he deserved these bruises. Not because of Harry, but because of Nelson.
Kyle looked over at Adam and saw the look on his face. Without really thinking about it, just acting on instinct, he leaned over. Putting his arms around Adam, he pulled him in for a hug. “I’m sorry about what happened to your parents. I’m sorry about what happened to you.”
Adam hadn't expected the hug, freezing slightly at first but after a moment he leaned into it. "It's okay. I'm okay. I promise. It was a long time ago." He let his arm, slip around Kyle's waist, trying to be mindful of his bruises, but still somewhat eager for the contact.
Kyle turned his head and smiled into Adam's shoulder, hiding in case it was actually inappropriate. "You don't have to... I know you're okay, A. I just... It's not fair."
Adam rested his head against Kyle's, surprised at how naturally that came. "There's a lot of unfair in the world." He tried not to be sad and lonely about it, he'd done that when he was younger. "You said earlier...that you didn't want to be around me...."
Kyle stilled at that, and drew back. His hands dropped into his lap and he watched his fingers to with each other. "I never said I didn't want to be around you," he said, quietly. "I said that I didn't think this would work. I... It's all complicated, and confusing. But - it seems that this whole place is complicated and confusing so it's like... Now you're less complicated and confusing in comparison?" he suggested.
Adam only pulled back because Kyle did, frowning a little, but not saying anything at first. It should hurt his feelings that it was only worth it because it was less complicated than their crazy situation, but it didn't. Instead he was just relieved. "You did say you couldn't, but I'm glad you've changed your mind. I really didn't want you to go. Not again."
Kyle shifted further back on the bed, putting a couple of feet between he and Adam, and pulling his legs up under him. He kept the teddy bear, but left the photographs between them. “Honestly? I didn’t really want to go either,” he admitted, hugging the bear to his chest. “It just… My life it a mess right now, Adam. My head is a mess. There’s a whole lot of mess going on. I didn’t want you to get caught up in all of that and messed around, and end up hating me, or resenting me, or something. And I wasn’t sure that I would be able to properly straighten my head out with you there.” Adam was distracting. Adam made him want to forget about dealing with his problems and just be distracted. Only, problems that weren’t dealt with didn’t go away. They were just being ignored and left to grow untended.
Adam frowned, turning to watch Kyle. After a moment he absently picked up the photos, reverently fixing the stack and putting them aside. He liked seeing Kyle hold the bear though, but the words weren't aligning with it. "I couldn't hate you. Or resent you. I don't resent any of it yet." He hesitated a moment before moving a little closer. "Do you still think you can't?"
“Never say never,” Kyle told him, watching him move closer. “Of course you could hate me. If I messed you around. If I played with you, and confused you, and you didn’t really know what was going on from one day to the next. And - I wouldn't do that on purpose, but when things are a mess, you can’t always make things work the way you’d want. Or even know what you’d want. Like, even right now I’m not convinced I’m making all that much sense. My head’s even more of a mess now than it was before I realised that we were in some kind of freakish nightmare. And before, I thought that I would be able to straighten things out more easily if I were somewhere normal and you weren’t there. Now - now being somewhere normal isn’t a choice. We’re here, that it seems that, for now at least, that’s not going to change. Which means, if I’m looking for something solid and stable: you’re it. You’re the constant, Adam. If you’ll have me around.”
Adam frowned through most of what Kyle said, trying to keep up with what Kyle was saying. "You aren't making a ton of sense," he admitted. "And I'm not sure I should be okay with parts of that, but I want to be with you so okay." He smiled and fell back on the bed, looking up at Kyle.
“I did warn you I wasn’t making sense,” Kyle said, lightly whilst he gathered himself to ask the question he really wanted to and decide whether it was a question he even wanted to ask right now. In the end, he decided that he had to, regardless of the outcome. “You… want to be with me?” he asked, trying not to put any emphasis on any part of that question. It was pretty hard to do that, especially with the way that Adam was lying sprawled on the bed smiling up at him like that.
Adam's smile shifted to a different look, more confused. "Um yes, but...you mean something else. And...I know nothing about that. Or what it means or what comes with it and...yeah."
Kyle wasn’t entirely sure what to make of that answer. Whether it was a ‘I’m not interested in the meaning that you mean’, or whether it was a ‘I’m very interested in the meaning in the way that you mean, but don’t exactly know what to do there’. He wanted it to be the latter but he wasn’t sure if that would be reading meaning in that he just wanted to be there. He bit his lip, wishing things were simple again. Things had always been so simple with Harry. Right up until the point where he’d begun to realise that he’d traded ‘everything’ for ‘simple’. Then things had stopped being simple pretty quickly. He kinda missed those days, before he realised that simple wasn’t the same as everything. “If I mean something else - what do you mean? I don’t mind if your meaning is different to my meaning, I just want to make sure that I have your meaning,” he said, quickly. They didn’t have to go with Kyle’s meaning. He could be happy with Adam’s meaning - he just needed to know what that was.
Adam looked at the ceiling, thinking about that for a moment. "I don't know what I mean. Because I never thought about it like that. Or like anything more than just seeing you again. Remember when you left? I just wanted that night again." He shrugged. "I'm not good at this sort of thing. Not even at being a friend." He sighed and looked back at Kyle. "I feel like we are talking in circles."
Kyle was quiet for a while. He buried his nose into the top of the bear, toying with a paw in his fingers as he thought. Then he rested his chin on its nose, tucking the top of its head under his jaw. “Okay… I’m not good at choices, but the way I see it, we have one. We could chose to be friends, to figure it out as we go along, see how things work for us. Y’know, I keep my issues and you keep your lack of knowledge and we see if we can just deal with both as we go. Or… I can be really honest right now. And I can explain things and what I want and what’s going on in my head and there’s probably things in there you might not want to hear. I don’t know. But, I’ll lay me on the line for you and then you can decide where we go from there. I guess.. either way, I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to. But, I can’t go back to just being a customer in a diner who designs your tattoos for you.”
Adam was quiet, thinking about that. "We are going to have to deal with issues and confusion no matter what right?" He asked. He wasn't sure how to answer the question really, especially when part of him really wanted to know what Kyle would say about what he wanted. "I don't think I can go back to the guy who serves you food you don't really want." He glanced up again, then sat up more. "I don't know what the right answer is. Because I want to know. But I also know it might be best to take things slow."
Kyle didn’t know what to do with that. He felt like Adam had taken a little bit from both suggestions and picked neither. It made Kyle worried about moving in either direction, in case he chose the wrong one. “I… Yeah. Issues and confusion, no matter what,” he said, after a moment or two. That seemed safe enough. He pressed his lips to the bear’s head, though he kept looking at Adam. It was a nervous gesture, and he knew he was using the bear as a security blanket right now.
Adam was frowning, not sure what to say. After a moment he moved, shifting closer and reaching for his bear, using it to pull himself even closer. "I answered wrong didn't I?"
Kyle let the bear go, thinking that was what Adam wanted, though he didn’t move away as Adam came closer. “There wasn’t a right or a wrong answer,” he told him. “I just… don’t really know where to go from here. I’m not all that good with decisions,” he admitted.
"I think you're better than you think," Adam said. "You're just not used to making them." He smiled a little, holding his bear but keeping him within Kyle's reach. "I want to know what you want because I kind of want you to tell me things but I'm not sure you want to."
Kyle thought about that, and about what Adam said. Then he tried to get his head in order enough to make his explanation make sense. “I’ll tell you if you tell me that you want to know. If you tell me to tell you. That - I find things easier if it works that way,” he explained. “And maybe that it is that I’m just out of practice, but I am out of practice, so - if you want me to, I could kinda do with the helping hand. If I’d really minded telling you. If I’d not wanted to - then I wouldn’t have put it on the table as an option. So don’t worry about me. But don’t think you need to hear it, just because I said that I don’t mind saying it.”
Adam considered that and almost shied away from asking, but thought better of it. "I want to know. Because...I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know I don't want you to walk away again." Kyle exhaled, sharply as he realised that Adam actually wanted to know. Okay then, he was going to actually have to do this. But, he could be brave when someone wanted him to be. “I have no expectations,” he started with, because he figured that was important. “I have things I’ve thought about, of course, but - there’s no right or wrong answer. I just… I like you. I liked you the first night I met you. When you were wearing that stupid shirt and kept tugging it down, as though you were embarrassed to show anyone those abs. Which, okay, you were at work and you didn’t work at some kind of strip joint, but still… I thought you were cute. And not in the kittens and puppies sense of the word. Which… is why I left. Because, I had Harry and I’m not that kind of guy. I actually avoided going back to the diner after that when I saw you were on shift. I’d look in the window and if you were there, I wouldn’t be. Because I had Harry. Then, that night, it was raining and I just didn’t want to drown. And you were there.” Kyle smiled, a little helplessly. “And you were funny, and sweet, and god - so charming. And you made me feel like, like - like for the past couple of years I’d been stuck in this tiny little box, thinking that was all there was. And then you came along and showed me there was a door to… anything. I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel like the world was right there at your fingertips and all you had to do was reach out and grab it.” Kyle took a breath, and continued, “But I had Harry. So I left. Because I don’t cheat on my boyfriend. And I had no idea if you were even interested in me that way. If you could even be interested in me that way. But, regardless, I had Harry.
“And, again - I didn’t go back to the diner. This time, I couldn’t go back. Because you were always there, at the back of my mind. The guy who reminded me I could be anything I wanted to be. But that guy was the dream. The guy with all the answers, who could just make me feel good about myself, but didn’t have to be there to see if dreams were actually possible. And I went home. And I tried to be… more. And I just couldn’t.” Kyle looked down and took a few breaths, as he worked up to admitting what was probably the truth. He looked up again, his eyes red. “Because there was Harry. At every turn. With all these reasons why it was safer for me to stay in my little box. Getting so frustrated when I tried to tell him it wasn’t enough any more. That I’d remembered what the outside world was like again. And it became one thing after another and rather than things getting better, they just got worse. And suddenly I wasn’t leaving the apartment any more without him and it was like I was living my life in a cage. And then my past caught up with me and my friend died, and Harry kicked me out.” Kyle took another breath. “And then, I was here. And there was you. So funny. So sweet. So charming. And caring. And those abs… And there’s no Harry anymore. And part of me wants to ask you if I can kiss you. Part of me wants to hold you and never let you go. But - part of me still doesn’t know if that’s even something you could ever want. And then there’s the final part. The part that knows that, rationally, I got out of a very intense, long term relationship yesterday. And it didn’t end well. And… That part knows that, if by some chance you could ever feel something for me, then maybe this isn’t the best of times. Because you’ve shown me the world - and I really don’t want to waste that on a rebound.” Kyle finished, feeling like he had just poured his heart out and he was sitting there, waiting to see whether it was about the be stomped on.
Adam was quiet through the whole thing, listening. At times he felt himself blush, not used to compliments or being told he was worth that kind of attention. When Kyle mentioned how things got worse with Harry, Adam put enough together that it was partly his fault. What he's done without really meaning to was good for Kyle, but bad when it came to Harry. "You can be whatever you want," he said finally. "And I'd like to be around to see what it is." He felt his cheeks go red, but forced himself to go on. "I'm not against you kissing me because that sounds kinda exciting but I've never...but that doesn't bother me I guess." He let out a breath to keep from rambling. "But I get...boyfriend and rebound and I don't want to lose you again."
Kyle chuckled, ducking his head. “Adam - right now, I’d say there’s absolutely no chance of you losing me. I just wanted to make things clear. Or, as clear as they can be. That I really like you. That I’m really interested in you. And that I’m so scared that I’m going to fuck this up. And I don’t know what to do now,” he admitted. Because, hearing Adam say that he wanted to kiss him - that it would be exciting? Just made Kyle want to launch himself at the other man. Yet, Kyle was right there with Adam. He didn’t want to lose him. Kyle didn’t want to screw this up.
Adam shook his head. “You can't fuck this up. I don't just...I don't go. I'm not like that. We'd just fix things. Make sure you're happy." He smiled a little.
Kyle looked at him, jaw dropped and wide eyed. "This... this isn't about just making me happy!" he exclaimed. "I... What? I don't... You... What? What do you even mean 'we'd just fix things'?"
Adam pulled back a little, surprised. "It is though. You being happy. I want you to be happy. And yeah. If something's broken or not working we can fix it right? That's what you do...I thought."
"Yeah, but..." Kyle floundered for a moment. "You... You'd be happy too, right? If things needed to be fixed - we'd try and fix them so I'd be happy and you'd be happy too."
Adam thought about that then shrugged. "I'd be happy if you were happy," he said.
Kyle drew back, an odd look on his face, before his expression became firm. "No," he said, determinedly. "No - I'm not starting this again. I'm not starting anything with anyone who tells me that they 'just want me to be happy'. Harry used to say that. Harry used to use that as a justification for everything that he did. And you know what? I wasn't happy. I just felt like I had to agree that I was, because he was trying so hard that it made me feel guilty that I wasn't! You can't... I don't want that. I want... I want to actually be happy. And I don't want someone else's happiness depending upon mine. I can't take that kind of pressure, Adam."
Adam reached for Kyle. "I'd never make you feel guilty. I want you to be really happy. Even as your friend I want that. I just...I like making you smile. I'm sorry." He pulled back, drawing his knees up to his chest.
Kyle drew his hand back, uncertain and on his guard. “Don’t be sorry, just… Don’t do that. That thing that makes it sound like you’d make yourself miserable if you thought it would make me happy. I don’t want that. I like seeing you smile too. Like, really - not just some kind of mirror image of mine and please just… don’t.” He felt really uncomfortable. It was like seeing that tattoo for the first time. The idea that he didn’t really know what he was dealing with, and there was a possibility that he was in over his head.
Adam nodded, feeling stupid. That was the right thing with Jeffrey and sure Kyle wanted something else but it should apply shouldn't it? "I won't. I'm sorry I shouldn't have..." Needing to do something he took the bear carrying it back to his suitcase. "I'm sorry. I'm not...not good at this." And sounded pitiful which wasn't helping he guessed. Squaring his shoulders and pushed away the guilt for the moment.
Kyle watched him, feeling awful for making Adam feel awful - since he clearly had done. He hated that. He hated that he’d caused that. He felt the driving need to just say everything was okay - that he was fine. That he was happy and whatever Adam wanted, then that’s what they’d do. Only… He needed to stop that. He needed to learn how to stand on his own two feet again. Which, he realised, made his mind up for him. He stood, needing to be on a level with Adam to say this. “You’re trying too hard,” he said, firmly and evenly. “I don’t want your apologies. I don’t want you to feel like you have second guess what I want. What I want is for you to be you. And for me to be me. I want to get to know you. I want to know your thoughts and your feelings. Your opinions on things. Everything about the real you. Not the you that’s trying to impress me. And - I think I’m going to like him. And I hope that he likes me. But I think that, for both of our sakes, that would be better done as friends. And, well, if anything else comes later, then we’ll deal with it then.” Because, no matter what, he couldn’t push Adam away. He knew he was clinging, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. Compromise, compromise, compromise. Always find a way through. Find a way to please him. To make everything alright.
Adam was a little surprised at the tone, but in a way he was proud. Good for Kyle. "You'll get that. I mean I'm not much for opinions but you will. I wasn't trying to impress you Ky. I just want to...be near you." He smiled slightly. "He already likes you. I like you. A lot." He swallowed nodding. "Friends is fine," he said trying hard not to sound disappointed. "You'd know better than me."
Kyle shook his head. "No, I wouldn't. There are probably very few things I know better than you. And you get to be near me. No matter what. You're probably going to have a hard time getting rid of me. Even either that whole speech I gave about having my own room."
Adam but his lip, unsure about how to initiate a hug, but eventually going for it, wrapping his arms around Kyle's shoulders. "I don't want to get rid of you. You can move in for all I care."
Kyle hugged him for a moment, then pulled back. After all, he had said friends and he didn't want to immediately start giving mixed messages. He laughed a little at Adam's comment, saying, "I promise I won't go that far. You need your own space." Which meant Kyle should probably do the adult thing and leave before he got too comfortable here. "Would you - would you be able to help me find my room?"
"I don't really," Adam said with a shrug. And then, just like that, Kyle was leaving too. The disappointment was in Adam's eyes, but he still nodded. "Yeah of course. Come on," he said, surprised his voice sounded even.
"Thanks," Kyle said. He needed to learn how to be alone, for all Adam said he didn't need space.
Adam knew he needed to learn the same thing, even though he didn't want to. He also knew things hadn't ended well with Kyle and that the moment he let him out of his sight, there was another chance he wouldn't see the guy again. It had Adam tugging at his sleeves, pulling them down over his tattoo as he started towards Kyle's room so that Kyle could follow. He was quiet as he walked, hands stuck in his back pockets, trying to figure out why he was hurting instead of fine with things.
Kyle walked by his side, his arms wrapped around him. He didn't say anything at first, making a note of exactly where Adam's room was, and paying attention so he would be able to find his way back. Eventually, though, he knew he would have to voice the question going around and around in his head. "Is that what you're like with your other friends?" he asked. "Just wanting them to be happy, whatever it costs you?"
"Friend," Adam heard himself correct before he could stop it. "It's not whatever it costs. I'm not unhappy Kyle." He shook his head.
Kyle took this on board. He felt a pang that apparently Adam only had one friend, though he did already knew that. He didn't understand it though - how someone like Adam could end up with only one friend. He figured that he should probably keep his mouth shut about that though. "Have you... You made it sound like you would do whatever it took. I just... I'm glad that it's not that. It shouldn't work like that."
Adam looked back at Kyle. "There's always a line right?" Though it was blurred lately. Adam didn't like the things that Jeffrey had gotten them into lately. But when things were good with Jeffrey, they were so good and avoiding making his friend even more insane than he could handle.
"A line?" Kyle questioned, not quite understanding what Adam meant by that.
"A line. Something you wouldn't do. Right?" He was starting to think his had stretched out too far past him, past where he never thought it would go, but he knew it was still there. Somewhere. Probably. "Making someone else happy is supposed to be...a good thing."
"Right," Kyle agreed, realising again that his head was far too screwed up for rational thought and consideration right now. "There's always a line. Wanting to see someone happy is a good thing - it's what pretty much everyone wants for those people that they care about."
"Right." Adam looked at Kyle as they got closer to Kyle's room and he slowed his steps. "I'm not someone who wants a lot. Just...roots. A place to belong."
Kyle smiled a little at that, feeling warm. "There's worse things to want in life," he offered, slowing his steps to match Adam's.
"Yeah, not having it," Adam said. He looked at the ground once they were at Kyle's door, pointing to it. "I'm sorry. I know I did something wrong back there. And before, the last time you were in the diner. I guess... I got too excited."
Kyle tried the door to the room Adam indicated. It was unlocked. He pushed it open and walked inside. Just another hotel room. Plain walls, comfortable but minimal furnishings. A large bed, a dark wooden desk but the window. A nice amount of light. A suitcase sat at the end of the bed. His attention, though, was largely on Adam. "You can be quite intense," Kyle told him. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm not saying it's a good thing. It's... just a thing, I... You leave me with this feeling like you think that if you say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, then I'm going to disappear again. And I'm sorry - that's my own fault. Because I did. Which is why I'm glad I told you about why I did that. But, that feeling? That you think I'm gonna go? It kinda makes you sort of come off like you're clinging on really tight. You don't have to. Because, I'm going to stay because I want to be here."
Adam felt admonished, lingering in the doorway instead of going into Kyle’s room. He was intense. And despite Kyle saying that it wasn’t bad and it wasn’t good, it felt like a wrong thing. Adam swallowed hard, not really looking at Kyle, more past him than anything else. “I’ll stop. Stop clinging. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know I was.” He really was a little bit of an idiot wasn’t he? “I know why you left. I get it.” He was quiet for a moment then shrugged. “You weren’t the first.” Just the one that seemed to matter the most.
Kyle looked at him. "Come in," he said, softly. He wondered if he was ever going to be able to explain this to Adam in a way the other man would understand. He felt like he just kept missing the mark. He tried for a smile. "And maybe you can tell me about how I wasn't the first person to leave because they liked you far more than they should have done," he teased - or he hoped it would be a tease. He wasn't sure how anything would be taken anymore.
He should ask if Kyle was sure. He should just leave. But Adam couldn’t leave and instead he went inside, shutting the door behind himself. “No one’s left for that,” he said quirking a tiny smile. “Or at least no one’s admitted to it.” He got the tease. “It’s nothing. Promise.” People always left. Adam needed to get over Kyle doing just as much.
"If it hurts you, it's not nothing," Kyle said, his voice still in the same soft tone. He hated the idea that Adam was hurting. He hated the idea that he was adding to that. He wanted to just make things right, but he knew he couldn't do that without doing the very thing he had told Adam not to do - risk his own well being. And he knew that, if he did that, he would risk making them both miserable in the future.
Adam leaned back against the door, swallowing the hurt. “I’m fine.” When he said it, it was completely believable. As if he was fine. He didn’t need to be a pain point to Kyle. That wasn’t what he wanted. “You have everything you need?” he asked, nodding towards the bag.
He may have sounded believable, and he did, but Kyle still wasn't buying it. He knew about putting on an act. He shook his head, taking a couple of steps toward Adam as he said, "You're not fine. You're just saying that, because you don't want me to worry about you. If you were fine, then you wouldn't be so worried about people leaving you. You just wouldn't care." He took another couple of steps forward, moving slowly. "But, you do care. As for whether I have everything I need, I don't know. I arrived here with nothing. I don't know what I have." He stopped just out of reach of Adam.
“If I didn’t care I’d be crazy,” Adam said. “And I’m not crazy.” He felt mostly sure of that. “It just hasn’t been an issue for years. Jeffrey never wanted to leave. I never gave him a reason to be done with me.” He looked at his shoes, then at Kyle. “You have a bag.” He moved, towards Kyle, then past him, reaching for the bag and opening it. “You’ve got something.” Which just made everything even weirder.
Kyle turned, tracking Adam, as the other man moved past him. He still felt that Adam was dismissing him about this, but what else was there that he could say? He wasn't happy, but he let the subject drop. "That's not my bag," he said, though he walked up and stood next to Adam, looking down at the contents. "But... Those are my things," he said, slowly. He reached out and carefully took things out, one at a time. Shorts, jeans, pants, a couple of pairs of shoes. Socks, underwear, toiletries. Then, at the bottom. "I didn't pack any of this. And I really didn't pack those," he said, looking down at the neat pile of sketchbooks and the pencil sets.
Adam looked at the collection of things that came out of the bag, smiling at them. Nicer things than his, but that made sense. Fashion wasn’t all that important to him. Looking back at the bottom of the bag he smiled, picking up one of the sketchbooks. “It looks more like I packed your bag.” He turned and handed it to Kyle. “You can start again.”
Kyle had been wondering at first if Harry had packed his bag, but no. Harry would never have done this. Anyway, Harry couldn't pack that neatly. In actual fact, the bag looked as though Kyle himself had packed it. "I can," he said, answering Adam. "I can start again." He picked up one of the sketchbooks almost reverently, flipping through the fine quality paper. A smile formed on his face as he ran his hand down a page. The things he could do with this.
Adam watched him, then dug into his pocket to pull out his wallet. It took a moment of fishing around in it before he found the folded up napkin which he laid on the open page of the sketchbook. It was the first drawing, the one that Kyle had done of Adam. “Start here.” He was smiling himself, then reached for the pencils, handing those over too.
Kyle looked at the picture, wide eyed, then up at Adam. "You kept it?" he whispered, almost reverently. "I... I always - in my head, you'd kept it. I'd always dreamed that you kept it. I always thought that it would be the last thing I'd ever draw. When I had nightmares, it was that you'd thrown it out with the trash. But, you actually kept it. That shitty drawing on the back of a damn napkin and you kept it."
“Of course I kept it. I had to.” Adam smiled and leaned in a little closer. “Especially if it was the last thing you ever drew. But I’d hoped it wasn’t. And it’s not shitty.”
Kyle laughed a little, handing the drawing back to Adam. "Trust me," he said, taking Adam by the shoulders and leading his backward towards the bed. "It's shitty. And I'm gonna prove it to you, if you'll let me." As Adam's shins hit the edge of the bed, Kyle pushed down, encouraging the other man to sit. "Make yourself comfortable. Please?" he asked.
Adam took the drawing back and then he was being pushed towards the bed, sitting once he was pushed down, but one hand went for Kyle pulling him with him, more of a reaction than an actual thought through action. “Comfortable?” he asked with one eyebrow raised.
Kyle eased out of Adam's touch - them both ending up on the bed wasn't his plan at all. He picked up the pencils and one of the sketchpads as he walked backward away from the bed. "Yup - get comfortable. I'm going to show you what I can actually do." He frowned a little. "Though, portraits aren't my forte, so don't expect a Vermeer, okay?"
Adam frowned a little when Kyle moved back, but he let him go, pulling his knees back up, resting his elbows on his knees. “A what?” he asked, but he was glad Kyle was showing him, that Kyle was going to start drawing again.
Kyle smiled. "Vermeer - Girl with a Pearl Earring?" he suggested. "Probably the best portrait artist the world has ever seen - remarkably lifelike. I'm not him. In fact, I'm the opposite - most of what I do is abstract. But, right now, I want to properly draw you."
That earned Kyle a shrug at best. Adam didn’t know anything about art. “Just make sure my nose is in the right place,” he suggested.
Kyle grinned. "I'm not that kind of artist either," he said, settling back into the desk chair and flipping to the first blank page. He arched a brow. "That's how you're comfortable? Any chance you could, y'know, relax back a bit more. Lounge."
Adam shifted a little back on to the bed more and leaning back so that he was more on one elbow watching Kyle. “This better?”
"That's fine," Kyle said, amused at the fact that Adam still didn't look entirely relaxed. Some people just weren't natural models. The artist bent his head, sketching out his outline before starting in on the detail.
“So I just sit here?” Adam said, looking at his hands, picking at his fingernails.
Kyle glanced up at him, then down at the page, working away. "Yup. You just sit there. You can talk to me," he advised.
Adam thought about what to ask, not looking at Kyle. “What kind of art did you do? You said something about not being ‘that kind of artist’. What does that mean?”
Kyle shrugged, not looking up this time. "I'm not any kind of artist. I... I was studying... I wanted to be a sculptor. I had dreams of creating something bigger than myself. Before I realised I was dreaming too big," he explained, sounding uncomfortable.
“Well that wouldn’t be too big of a dream. You really aren’t that large,” Adam said, teasing a little, but also sounding reassuring in Kyle’s capabilities. “Sculptor...like the David? Marble and naked guys?”
"No, more like metal and recycled trash. And bigger than me like couple of storeys high. Kind of thing you see outside buildings, in parks, y'know." He still didn't raise his head, and there was a hint of colour on his cheeks. He was nervous, talking about this. He'd wanted it, and he'd fallen short.
“See that’s a hell of a lot bigger than you,” Adam said with a laugh. “But still really cool. Definitely be my favorite place in the park. I can’t wait to see it.” He had no doubt that Kyle could manage it. Not any doubt at all.
Kyle switched pencils and started shading, working intently to help him not feel too much about this conversation. So he could keep it together. "You're never going to see it. It's never going to exist."
Adam frowned, shifting more than he should. “Why not? I thought you were going back to it.”
"I'm going back to this. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to that. I wasn't good enough. I was never good enough." He bent over the drawing more, switching pencils again and adding in fine details.
“Did your teachers tell you that?” Adam asked, because he had a feeling that wasn’t the case. He guessed it was someone else.
"They didn't have to," Kyle said, feeling frustrated and uncomfortable. He wanted Adam to just give it a rest. Let it go. He'd been trying to be something he wasn't. He'd just been trying to prove something to the world and so he'd chosen something entirely unsuitable. That a guy like him, with his background, with his build. He was never going to make it. He'd be living off his trustfund as a failed nobody for the rest of his life.
Adam frowned. “Did Harry tell you that?” he asked, though he got the feeling that Kyle didn’t want to talk about it. He sounded annoyed. But Adam didn’t want Kyle to think that Harry wasn’t right about any of it.
"Drop it, Adam," Kyle said, tightly. "Just because you don't like Harry on principle doesn't mean he's to blame for all of my failures."
Adam sighed, but dropped it. He wouldn’t push Kyle if it made him uncomfortable. He just couldn’t see Kyle as a failure. “Sorry. What would you rather talk about?”
Kyle shrugged. "Don't know," he said. He stopped and looked down at the page. "This is terrible," he declared, ripping the page out of the pad, screwing it up and throwing it into a corner. He felt like he couldn't do anything right. He didn't know why he was still even trying. It was all a mess. He was all a mess.
“What?” Adam jumped up from the bed, reaching for the tossed away piece of paper and smoothing it out. It was much better than anything he could do, much better than the napkin drawing, yet somewhat similar, obviously done by the same person. “How could you say this is terrible?” he asked moving closer to Kyle. “This is great. What’s wrong?”
Kyle shook his head. "It's just wrong, it's all wrong. It's like I want to. I really, really want to. And I get ideas, and I see things and I want to, but when I sit down to actually do it... It's like nothing I do is good enough. It's not right. It's just all wrong. That's wrong - look at your eyes, they're too close together, and I hadn't got the proportion of your arms right, and that shading is just awful and I just - it's just all wrong." He was being hypercritical, picking on tiny little details that nobody else would see and blowing them all out of proportion.
Adam looked at the drawing, trying to see those things, not sure what he was looking at, not seeing any of it. “Kyle, my face doesn’t look this good in the mirror. This is great. And if it’s not right, then you’ll get there. You’re out of practice.” He moved closer to the other man, reaching for him. “Stop that. Stop stressing yourself.”
Kyle stopped when Adam touched him, suddenly letting go of the way he was working himself up. "I'm sorry," he said, immediately. "You're right - I was stressing myself out. I... I do that. I get all worked up and I can't think straight and... thank you. For calling me on it. I need that."
Adam was glad that Kyle had calmed down, but the reaction he had wasn’t quite what Adam was going for. “I wasn’t...calling you on anything. I was just worried about you.” He took both of Kyle’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “You’re doing great. You’re out of practice. You keep at it, you’ll be great. You’re so talented Kyle.”
Kyle waited expectantly. When nothing more was forthcoming from Adam, he prompted, "But. You're so talented Kyle, but..." There was always a but.
Adam frowned. "No buts. You are. You'll get back into the swing of things."
"How do you even know that?" Kyle asked him. He wasn't used to people saying that kind of thing without some kind of a qualifier. Adam seemed to have so much faith in him, yet they'd on;y even met a handful of times.
"Because they don't let just anybody into art school," Adam said with a smile. "And because I've seen your 'terrible' stuff and it's incredible. You're incredible. So I've got no doubt. I just hope you remember me when you're famous."
Kyle gave him a helpless little smile. "You know, you have this way of saying things that makes me believe you," he said, then his face fell. He looked away a little. "I do that. God, I do, don't I? I believe what people say to me. I believe Harry when he said it was best if I didn't try and stress myself out over something I was never going to achieve. And I believe you when tell me that I can make it and I should try. I just... Go right along with whatever a cute guy says."
Adam smiled at first, pleased he'd managed to say the right thing when he was sure he'd said the wrong thing multiple times before, but then Kyle turned it around on itself. "We always believe what people tell us, especially if we were thinking it." He squeezed Kyle's shoulders. "It's not a thing you do. It's human. But telling you can't do something is for parents. I'd rather just cheer you on like any good boyfriend would." He didn't realize what he'd called himself. That wasn't how he meant it so he had no idea how it sounded.
Kyle, however, caught it and he stilled, eyes widening. "...Boyfriend?" he asked, slowly. He thought they'd had this conversation. Kind of. Yet, he could never tell what Adam was thinking, so maybe they hadn't. Maybe he'd been thinking something different all along.
"Yeah, he should be supportive and...oh." It had taken a moment for Adam to catch his error, but when he did he let go of Kyle, blushing and nervously tugging at his hair. "I mean...not me. You said...and I. Sorry. I...sorry." He stepped back a little, bumping into the bed and falling to sit on it. "You're distracting," he said with a weak laugh, trying to laugh at himself. "I mess up my words."
Kyle moved away as well, as Adam started spurting denials left right and centre. He looked down, blushing as well. "Sure, of course. Sorry, I'm... Sorry. I don't mean to be... distracting. He paused, hesitating for a moment. Then he knew he had to ask. It was nervously, though, and whilst chewing his bottom lip that he said, "I'm distracting?"
Adam felt a little stupid, flustered even which hadn't happened with Kyle before except when he was drawing on Adam's arm. He knew more now though didn't he? "Yeah. You're...I keep thinking about the whole kissing thing and I guess... I keep trying to get closer and then I mess up words..." Which was different for Adam. He'd gotten some of that, around girls, but not to the extent he did with Kyle and Kyle was the first guy. It wasn't a bad thing, it wasn't freaking him out any being drawn to a guy, but it was completely uncharted territory.
Kyle concentrated on his breathing. On not panicking and hyperventilating. "You... keep trying to get closer because... you're thinking about kissing me?" Kyle asked, wanting to be absolutely sure he knew Adam's intentions before he decided what he was actually going to do with the information.
Adam gnawed on his lower lip, one knee bouncing a little. "That's not the only reason but sure. Yeah. Kinda."
"What are the other reasons?" Kyle asked him. For now, he kept his distance, not moving away at all, but not going over to Adam either. A little bit of space would probably be best for both of them whilst they talked about this.
The question made Adam think about his reasons, quiet for a moment. "I guess...I just like it. And it's nice. I keep wanting more." God, that sounded lame. He pretty sure of Jeffrey was here he'd call Adam a sap and punch him in the arm.
"You like it?" Kyle asked him, cocking his head to one side and looking at Adam. "And 'it' would be..."
"Being close to you," Adam said feeling like that was obvious.
That got Adam another smile. "I like being close to you too. And I don't... mind so much when you mess up words. They're usually, well... It's usually in a way that makes me feel good about myslf?" he suggested.
Adam glanced up at Kyle to see the smiled which helped settle his nerves a little. His knee was still bouncing but he'd stopped worrying a hole into his lower lip. "Well that's something. That's all I was ever going for anyway."
Kyle hesitated for what felt like an eternity and then took a breath and walked over to the bed. Sitting down next to Adam, he turned toward him. Swallowing his nerves and any suggestion in his head that this was probably a very, very bad idea, he reached out and cupped his cheek. Then he leaned in and brushed his lips across Adam's. It was the lightest of kisses, but it was there and Kyle drew back, though he didn't drop his hand from Adam's cheek as he waited for a reaction.
Adam had turned towards Kyle, assuming they were continuing the conversation, but then it was something else entirely. No one had ever kiss him like that before. Never sober. Never so lightly. Adam half froze, eyes wide, cheeks pink again, breath caught in his throat. What did he do now? Adam wasn't at all sure. It wasn't a bad kiss, no it was actually really nice, but Adam didn't know what he was supposed to do. Kyle didn't really pull back, which Adam took as an okay to do the only thing that came to mind. He leaned closer and kissed Kyle himself, tentative, but a little harder than Kyle had kissed him.
Kyle let out a little gasp as he was kissed, but he melted into it, his arms slipping round Adam as he returned the kiss.
So yeah, kissing a guy was different. Not drastically, the mechanics were the same, but still different. At the same time, it was still pretty great. And there was no denying it was the best kiss Adam had ever had, so there was that too. One of his hands twisted in Kyle's hair, holding him there as Adam deepened the kiss, not really thinking past that moment and how much more of it he could get. Or if he could get that little gasping noise out of Kyle again.
Kyle pulled him closer. How could he ever have thought that this was a bad idea? This was a great idea. He was great. And he smelled so good, and he was warm and strong and Kyle returned the kiss with fervor, losing himself in it until he made himself come back to reality. He broke the kiss, resting his forehead against Adam's and breathing hard. This was a bad idea, but if he said anything, Adam would take it as a rejection, he just knew it. Despite everything he had said about how he felt, Adam would take it personally.
Adam's breath was just as ragged, but it wasn't until Kyle pulled back that he realized he was clinging to the other man. Untangling his hand from Kyle's hair, he pulled back a little, looking flushed, but smiling. "Wow." He didn't think Kyle would have done it. Not without asking first and even more so after he'd made that speech about being friends, which was probably right, but after that Adam was pretty sure he wasn't going to be good at being just friends.
Kyle swallowed as he looked at Adam. At the way his cheeks were flushed and his lips had that freshly kissed look. It really wasn't helping, in the best possible way. "My head's a mess, at the moment," he said, tentatively. He wasn't entirely sure where he was going with this. "You probably shouldn't trust me to make good decisions."
Adam smiled just slightly. "I was okay with that decision," he said, half teasing but meaning it. He'd liked that. "I trust you." Though there was a voice in the back of his mind that Kyle wasn't okay with that decision. That he already regretted it. Figured. Adam felt himself steeling against then inevitable, ready for him to say it was a mistake.
Kyle reached out to cup his cheek again, looking at him softly. "You probably shouldn't," he warned. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to screw this up for you. For either of us. It was only yesterday and I have a lot of... issues to sort through, about Harry. You've.. you've seen some of them. I might not be the best person to... be with right now. And how things were with him - I don't want them to be like that with anyone else. So I'm gonna need to be doing a whole lot of figuring things out and what I did because that's how things were with Harry and what I did because that's what I want to do. And I'm not always going to get that right first time and... You'd be putting yourself in the firing line and I'm kinda worried that you'd end up feeling rejected at every turn when that's not what I mean and then there's all this other stuff and I - I just don't really know what I'm doing right now. I just know that I really, really wanted to kiss you and I'm happy that you wanted to kiss me and I don't even really know what I'm saying right now or what I mean and I just..." he stopped himself, knowing that he was rambling. He did that when he was nervous and scared.