Didn't Dream It This Way Who: Kyle and Adam When: First thing Where: All over
Comfort. Warmth. Soft covers that were pulled up around his neck.
Those were the first sensations Kyle encountered when he woke. Safe, secure, warm, wonderful. And entirely unexpected. He opened his eyes, awake in an instant. This was wrong. He saw up, light spilling in through the curtains. A strange room. Where was he? Some kind of a hotel. He hadn’t gone to sleep in a hotel. He didn’t have the money on him for this kind of thing. He had finally gone to sleep in the park, on a bench. It hadn’t been that cold out and he had been so tired and where was he?
Kyle stumbled out of bed. He was still in his clothes from yesterday. He could feel the remnants of tears and snot on his face from crying too much last night, when the reality of Nelson’s death and what he had caused had caught up with him. Feel the bruises on his body from where Harry had hauled him out of the apartment. He reached up and touched his face. A split lip, maybe.
None of it compared to the question of Where am I?. He groped for the door, missing the note in his room entirely. Opening it, he stepped outside. A corridor. Clearly an hotel. Where am I?
Kyle couldn’t deal with this, he couldn’t cope. Not with everything else. He slumped against the corridor wall and slid to the floor.
Maybe it was all a bad dream.
Adam woke up, face down in a pool of his own drool. Disgusting, but shockingly normal. Just like the rager of a headache that spasmed across both temples as he opened his eyes to the sunlight streaming in on them. The sun was evil. Truly evil. He groaned as he got up, not caring that he was in the clothes he’d worn the night before, phone, keys, wallet, all still in his pocket. There’d been a party. Drugs, booze, people. Yeah, he’d probably passed out.
His surroundings hadn’t registered as the stumbled towards the bathroom, head under the sink to guzzle water and try and fend off the headache. After that he splashed it on his face, looking up to see a different room than expected reflected in the mirror. He spun, looking at the hotel room with a frown. Had they gone out? Did he really not remember? Why was he alone?
Adam wandered into the room looking around then heading out of the room. “Jeff?” His friend had to be somewhere, but no one was answering. This was just weird. And not at all like the motels they usually crashed in. It left Adam wandering, trying his friend’s phone, but never getting an answer. He was actually relieved when he finally found someone, hurrying towards him. “Hey I’m looking for a guy, little shorter than me, brown hair…”
Kyle looked up, his arms wrapped round his knees as though it would protect him from the world. His back firmly against the wall. He was crying again. He felt like he had never stopped. Everything was wrong. “Wha…?” he asked, blinking the tears away, then rubbing them clear with the back of his hand. He looked up, then frowned. He recognised the guy before him. Diner Guy. Adam. “I… me?” he asked, sounding confused and not really believing that this would be the answer, for all he fit the description.
Adam stared. And the he took a step back. Dreaming. He had to be dreaming. He’d had this dream before. Though Kyle was usually less teary eyed. “Kyle?” He stared for another moment then shook his head. “I don’t think, no….Jeffrey. What are you doing here?” How crazy had that party gotten? He would have remembered Kyle. Or the hotel right? “What are you doing here?” he asked again, this time tugging at the sleeve to cover the tattoo there.
"Oh. Right. I...haven't seen anyone else," Kyle said, running his hands over his face and up into his hair. Trying to put himself back into some semblance of togetherness. His lip stung as he touched it. Definitely split, though it wasn't still bleeding. He pushed himself to his feet. "Where are we?" he asked Adam. He didn't know what he was doing here. He didn't even know where 'here' was.
Adam was thinking of moving on if Jeffrey wasn't here because for some reason Kyle was making him really nervous, but when he looked at Kyle again he really saw him. And he saw the split lip. "What happened?" he asked instantly, moving closer to inspect the injury.
Kyle ducked his head as Adam asked his question. “I.. There was… I was freaking out, last night. Harry was trying to get me to calm down and nothing he did was working. He slapped me. To try and get me to calm down. He… It must have been harder than he intended.” He touched his lip, it stung. Worse now he has aware of it. “He’s never drawn blood before.” Kyle seemed to shake that all off and he looked up again. “Do you know where we are? I know I was in… some kind of hotel when I went to sleep. But not here. I know it.”
Adam's eyes went wide. "So he hit you? Jesus Christ." He moved forward again looking at Kyle's lip and frowning more. The rest just had his jaw dropping. "He's hit you before? What the hell?" Adam hoped the guy was here. He'd hit him himself. And maybe get Jeffrey in on it too. He hated watching Kyle shrug it off like it was nothing, thinking that clearly it was not nothing, but he knew he needed to address the other question. "I have no idea. I passed out at a party. Which was not here. I don't think." He raised one eyebrow, giving the other man a bit of a look. "You're a terrible liar you know that right?"
"I was freaking out, he was just trying to get me to calm down," Kyle protested, knowing that look on Adam's face. He wasn't some abused partner who didn't have the sense to leave a toxic relationship. Not that that was a thing anymore - not since Harry had been very clear that it was over when he had kicked Kyle out of the apartment with nothing last night. He frowned, thinking about that. "Why am I defending him?" he asked himself, quietly. This seemed to distract him for a moment as he considered that. When he looked back at Adam, Kyle still looked absently confused. "Are you sure your party wasn't here? Maybe we should go see if we can find it. I could really use a drink right now. And I'm not a terrible liar. I wasn't lying. When was I lying?" he asked.
"Yeah, that's not how you calm someone down when they're freaking out. You like...hold them or get them a strong drink or something." You sure as hell don't hit someone. "That's a good question. Let me know when you figure out an answer." Adam didn't like that the anger he was feeling towards Kyle's boyfriend was slipping into his voice. He didn't have a claim on the guy who'd come into the diner a few times and then never showed up again. They weren't friends. Kyle had been clear with that. Still, he found himself tugging at that sleeve again, almost a nervous twitch, but also sure that was it was covering would be something Kyle would understand. Adam didn't even understand it. "Yeah I'm sure it wasn't. It was at our house. We wouldn't have gone to a hotel I don't think." He'd remember that. And he would have shared a room with Jeffrey right? They had for every other road trip they'd taken, even if it was only to Atlantic City. "You hesitated when you talked about where you slept last night."
Kyle noticed the way Adam was twitching, pulling at his clothes. It was reminiscent of the way the other man had pulled at the bottom of his shirt, the first time they'd met. Which just reminded him of the way he had run out that night. Then of the way he'd left both nights to avoid the reality of the fact he was attracted to the man before him. Because Kyle had a boyfriend. Had had a boyfriend. But it had only been twenty four hours, less than that. And he had no idea where he was, or why he was here. And he had been having a hard enough time coping with yesterday anyway, before everything had imploded and he had found himself homeless. "I slept in the park last night," he said, eventually. He had only met Adam twice, but he had learned quickly that the guy didn't let things go. He wouldn't take Kyle avoiding the question. Not without Kyle getting angry and snapping, and Kyle didn't want Adam to go and leave him alone in this strange place. "Harry and I... I haven't been dealing with things well lately. Things outside my relationship with Harry - they've been... Some real shit has happened. That I haven't dealt with well at all. And... Things with Harry have been... difficult... recently, since..." Since the last time Kyle had seen Adam, but he wasn't going to actually come out and say that, so he changed track. "Since a while now. And, well, pretty much perfect storm, I guess. There was meant to be a thing last night, and I was in the middle of well, it kinda felt like a complete mental breakdown. And Harry... Last night was important to him. And I couldn't get my shit together. He tried to help me. He couldn't. There was an argument and, well. He... I left," Kyle said, swallowing around the lie. He hadn't left. Harry had thrown him out. With nothing. Even his wallet and phone had still been sitting on the side.
"You what?" Adam's voice full of surprise and just under that, concern. Why hadn't he been there? Why hadn't he been able to check in on Kyle, be someone he could call so he didn't have to sleep outside? It was a good thing they'd wound up here, even if it was sounding weirder and weirder because that last thing he needed was Kyle freezing to death or getting mugged and not being able to help. "How could anything be more important than helping you?" Adam insisted, reaching to tilt Kyle's chin up so he could look at his lip. It looked awful. How was violence the answer? It was a strange thing to think considering how surrounded by it his life had been, but Jeffrey had never really hit him. Adam didn't give him a reason to. He knew better than to fall out of line and risk his friend's crazy turning on him instead. But still, he didn't think Jeffrey would. They weren't like that. "You're lying again," he pointed out before shaking his head and pulling his hand away. "What happened? And why was it difficult, you know besides this guy being a total asswipe?"
"Do we have to go into this right now, Adam?" Kyle asked, taking a step back and pulling his jacket closer round his slim form. "What happened, happened. I'd rather deal with finding out where we are right now." Maybe that would work better - deflection rather than lies.
Kyle had a good point there. "Later," he said, hand tugging at his sleeve, just to make sure it was still covering the tattoo. He wasn't going to let this drop. If they were just stuck somewhere after a bender, he wanted details so he could tell Jeffrey and take care of this Harry guy. It might require more explaining about Kyle himself, especially considering when Adam had come home feeling a little forlorn about Kyle leaving and the hand drawn tattoo on his arm, Adam had lied and told Jeffrey some girl had done it. Jeffrey had been mildly curious, but seemed less interested when Adam mentioned he'd never see her again. And then they'd gone back to how things always were, Jeffrey distracting him completely and Adam forgot how much it hurt when Kyle had left that night. He was remembering again now though. Wishing he'd followed him out into the rain and made him stay. Why he felt such a pull was still foreign to him, but it was there again, drawing Adam back in all over again. "Guess we just wander? I'm sure Jeffrey's around here somewhere."
"Then I guess I'll get to meet this friend of yours then," Kyle said, with a little smile of relief that he'd managed to sidestep the issue. Maybe he'd be able to avoid it altogether and then get on his way once they found Adam's friends. Though, he wasn't sure where exactly he was going to go. He supposed that he'd have to go back to his parents with his tail between his legs. That was going to go down well. Still, it was better than being homeless.
Adam had no intention of letting Kyle avoid the issue altogether, but thoughts of finding Jeffrey were taking precedence. "Yeah, you will," he said with a little smile. "You'll probably like him more than me." Though that wasn't a stretch considering he was pretty sure Kyle didn't like him much at all. And it did depend on what Jeffrey's mood was like at the current second, which could be anything, but usually he was charming. Especially towards strangers.
"Why would I like him more than you?" Kyle asked, waiting for Adam to pick the direction they would be headed in.
Adam started moving again the way he'd been walking before thinking he'd already covered the ground behind him, tucking his hands into his pockets with a shrug. "Everyone likes him him. He's likeable. I'm less. And you don't like me much." He probably shouldn't have added the last part, but it was the truth, so there didn't seem to be a point denying it.
Kyle followed Adam, though his step faltered as he heard what Adam said. He stopped, gaping at the other man. "What makes you say I don't like you?" he asked, too honestly confused about the fact that Adam thought that to wonder whether it was a sensible question. Of course he liked Adam. The guy was sweet and honest and charming. He made him smile and made him feel like he cared. And, if Kyle ignored the guilt he felt about the whole situation, he liked the way Adam made him feel.
Because you broke up with me and I never saw you again. Adam couldn't say that. Especially the break up part because they didn't break up. It just sounded like that. And felt like that. "You haven't come by again."
Kyle shook his head. "That..." He sighed. "I... Just because I haven't come round doesn't mean I didn't like you. It's - I said. Things got difficult with Harry. I... Haven't really gone anywhere recently. Not without him." And I didn't want him anywhere near you.
Adam found himself shrugging again. "It's not a big deal." Except it was. It felt like one. He just didn't know why so he wasn't going to share that. "What happened with him?"
Kyle stopped in front of him, stepping into Adam's path, his arms crossed over his chest. "Don't do that," he said, lifting his chin into a far more assertive pose than had become normal for him over the past couple of years. "Don't just brush off something like you don't matter."
Adam had to stop short to keep from slamming into Kyle. As a result he was closer than he normally would have been and again going for his sleeve, more of a twitch this time. "What else can I do? You didn't want to see me again? I can't just get upset about every person that does that. I'd never get out of bed. And there's only so long I can wait and think you'll come back. I get it. It's not like I can change your mind."
"It's not that I didn't want to see you again! It's that... There was Harry. And it was complicated. And anyway! It's shouldn't have mattered! I'm just some random diner guy who you've met, like, twice! And will you stop pulling at your damn sleeve! You can't be thinking those clothes are too small! They swamp you. Completely the opposite of that shirt you were meeting the day we met!" Kyle exclaimed, letting his mouth run away with him.
"How was it complicated? You came in. I poured coffee and we talked!" Though Adam knew it was complicated. He felt complicated. Especially with Kyle yelling at him. "My clothes don't swamp me. That wasn't my shirt," he said knowing exactly which one it was. Jeffrey had laughed at him when he got home, thinking Adam looked ridiculous in his clothes. "I'm not..just...it's nothing." Adam angrily pushed both his sleeves up high enough to show off the tattoos, including his new one and stepping around Kyle. "Maybe it did matter," he mumbled to himself.
Kyle was already speaking over Adam. "Harry's jealous! Was jealous! Of any guy I'm friends with that he doesn't already know. That's why it was complicated! He wouldn't have just let me be..." Kyle stopped abruptly, mid sentence, his eyes widening as he took in the tattoo on Adam's arm. "I... when did you get that?" he asked, slowly.
"Would he hit you for that too?" Adam asked, not liking his tone because he sounded angry again. He wasn't angry at Kyle, just Harry. "Why do you keep talking about him in the past tense?" Adam glanced at his arm then shrugged again, not looking at Kyle. "Recently." Just a couple weeks after he'd had the conversation with Kyle actually. Jeffrey had loved it, thinking it had something to do with him since it was one of his favorite bands and Adam had let him think what he wanted in order to avoid questions and keep him happy.
Kyle turned away, one hand over his face, the other against the wall, holding him up. "I can't deal with this right now," he said, feeling himself begin to shake. It was all pressing down on him. His friend's death, Harry hitting him, calling him those names, throwing him out into the night. The hollow pit in his stomach that had been growing ever since he had last met Adam that the nature of his relationship with Harry wasn't quite right. Trying to ignore it and go against it by throwing himself into Harry more and more. Only to have it all fall apart anyway. And now this. Waking up somewhere strange, only to meet Adam again. Which should have been great only he was being cross, and judgemental, and now, with that tattoo, kinda intense.
Adam felt his stomach sink when Kyle said that and looked like that. Instantly he regretted everything about what he'd said, done and even thought since Kyle had walked out of the diner that last night. He swallowed hard then moved closer, one hand out to touch Kyle, but not making it there. "I'm sorry. I didn't..." He fixed his sleeve again, hiding the words in hopes they could be forgotten. "I didn't think I'd see you again. You wouldn't have...known." And Adam wouldn't have had to explain it. He would have just had it to remember that night and that feeling like everything had changed and it was just going to keep changing.
Kyle didn't look round. "I think... I think maybe you should go find your friends. I'll... I'm gonna go. I'm gonna..." Shit. He didn't know where he was and he had nothing. Kyle straightened up and turned, his face blank. "Could I borrow your phone?" he asked, very politely. "Just for one call. I need to arrange for someone to come and collect me." Anticipating Adam's next question, he added, "My parents will send someone."
Adam was reaching out again, his hand finding Kyle's shoulder, trying to be reassuring and trying to fight the urge to wrap his arms around him and hold on to him. Then Kyle was moving, the blank, fake face in place and Adam's face fell. He really did hate that look. Shrugging he pulled his hand back and handed over his phone. The lock screen was a shot of him and Jeffrey, heads close together, making weird faces while Jeffrey snapped the photo, but after moving past it, Adam knew what Kyle would see. He'd made one of the pictures of the tattoo Kyle had drawn, the up close picture of the two figures in the mist, the background of his phone. "Here. Don't know if it'll go through, I already tried calling Jeffrey."
Kyle saw the picture and recognised it. After all, he had snapped the shot. More than that though, he had drawn the original on Adam himself. "Well at least you didn't get that inked as well, " he muttered as he called his parents number. After a few, he hung up. “Nobody’s answering.”
Adam took his phone back, feeling chastised and stupid, which showed in the blush that rose into his cheeks. There'd been times, where he thought it would have been crazy, to re-meet and have thought the same thing, gotten the same tattoo, but again, Adam had hoped that someone had cared about him when in reality they didn't. Just Jeffrey. Why didn't he just listen to him and accept it. "No one else could have recreated it anyway," he mumbled since he'd determined that much on his own. He found himself staring at his feet, wishing he could disappear, but for some reason he guessed Kyle wouldn't let him do that. "I'm sorry. Again. For...everything I guess." He took a step backwards, wondering if he should leave even if the prospect of being alone again sounded awful.
Kyle watched as it seemed like Adam was going to leave and he found himself thinking the same thing. He didn't want to be alone. "Harry kicked me out," he said. "Last night. He doesn't want me any more. It's been a long time coming." He looked at Adam. "Ever since you."
"Well he's an idiot," Adam was already saying when the last part got added. He'd looked up when Kyle spoke, so he caught that last part with Kyle looking right at him, meeting his gaze. He felt his stomach do an actual somersault, which didn't make any sense at all considering they weren't even friends and Kyle was definitely a guy. Adam wasn't into guys. Or at least he didn't think so. He wasn't into much honestly, not like the other guys. "I...since me? What did I do?"
Kyle shook his head and shrugged. "You made me feel like I could do anything. I've... been believing anything but for so long now. But... I didn't... You got a tattoo. A tattoo. That's... Please, tell me it was a coincidence. That you didn't actually get that for... because of me."
"You can do anything," Adam said quickly, feeling like that was the truth and Kyle needed to hear it. He looked at his arm even if it was covered again and shrugged. "I did. It's not...I couldn't stop thinking about it. It seemed like a good idea. I guess it wasn't." Adam couldn't explain it then and it wasn't any easier to explain now, nor was he feeling like it was a good choice. With that thought his cheeks were heating up again, turning pink as he looked away.
"It's a great line," Kyle said. "As long as it's not about me. Me - a guy you've only met twice. I... That's... I don't understand," he said, looking at Adam, both wanting him to explain and scared to hear it.
Adam felt at a loss, looking away with a shrug. "It's not...I mean it is. It's like I said about it. It's a feeling like everything is about to change. I still feel like that about that night before you left. So yeah. It is."
"Did anything change?" Kyle asked. "After I left?"
"Me." The answer was there before Adam could stop it, and he wish he hadn't said it. There was no way to explain it properly. He just felt different. Like things should be different than how they were without knowing how to get them there or what specifically needed to change. Kyle quirked a sad little half smile. "Guess that made two of us then." He paused and then added, "I'm not in the best of places right now. Probably not the best company, but... I'm, I've... I don't really have anywhere to go. I don't have my phone. Or my wallet. Could I... stay with you? Just for a day or so. Just until I can get hold of my family?"
At least Kyle didn't ask for details. Then Adam would have been stuck. He found his own sad smile at that but wound up nodding without even thinking about it. "I gotta figure out how I got here and how to get home, but sure. And we'll send someone back to your place to get your stuff too. You can stay as long as you want." He'd make Jeffrey agree to it. He knew he would. Jeffrey would do it for him. It wasn't like Adam asked for much. "I appreciate it. Whoever... goes for my stuff. Harry's not going to be happy. I don't mind leaving it. I don't really have anything I can't replace. And thanks. For the time, but I won't need long." Kyle shook his head. "The sooner I get back, the better. I'm gonna have to face seeing my lawyer. My accountant." He rolled his eyes. "My parents. But... Maybe we could keep in touch, this time?" Maybe Adam wouldn't turn out to be like Harry at all.
"I'm sure whoever goes won't care too much about him being unhappy about it." Jeffrey would do that. It would be a good thing his brothers or friends could do instead of so much trouble. "You've got a lawyer and an accountant too?" he asked, feeling his heart sink a little. What if Kyle was into the same stuff that Jeffrey's family was. That would suck.
Kyle wondered what Adam meant by his first comment, though he figured it was just that Adam's friends could take care of themselves, which was good. It didn't actually occur to Kyle to think that they would mean Harry any harm. "Yeah, I have a lawyer and an accountant. My mom and dad insisted, once I turned eighteen. I've not met with them more than twice - since I moved in with Harry, he's been handling all that side of things for me. I guess now - I guess that I'm gonna have to deal with it. Take it back." It was huge and scary and just added to the list of other huge and scary things that he was going to have to learn to deal with now. Adam's eyebrows rose higher. "So you're...rich?" he concluded nodding a little. Maybe that wasn't the same. He really didn't want it to be same. "And yeah you are. Because he shouldn't have been in charge of it in the first place. Better hope you have money left." He sighed, trying to let go of his frustrations towards Harry who clearly had used the shit out of Kyle. For a moment he looked at the floor, then at Kyle. "Would you really want to keep in touch or are you saying it because you feel bad? Because I don't...I don't expect anything."
“I have enough,” Kyle confirmed. He frowned a little and added, “I don’t actually know how much. I never really… Math was never really my strong point, and it was looked after for me until I turned eighteen. And then I only had it for a bit before there was Harry. He was always so much better at that stuff than I was, and at the time I was so into my art that I’d forget to pay the rent and the bills and… It just seemed sensible for him to manage our finances.” Kyle didn’t mention the part that a few months later, his art went as well. Looking back on it now, Kyle was surprised at how quickly everything had gone. Maybe it was because he was still upset over everything. Maybe he wasn’t remembering things properly. He shook it off and concentrated on Adam. Taking a breath, he reached out and hooked the ends of Adam’s fingers with one hand. “I’d like to keep in touch. I… Don’t have many friends right now. And I don’t understand the tattoo thing. I’ll be honest, there’s a part of me that’s a little freaked about that right now. But I’m freaked about a whole lot of things right now. Like I said: not the best of times for me at the moment. But the other couple of times. In the diner. I came to the same conclusion about you. So - I’d maybe like to get to know you better. As friends,” he qualified. He didn’t know if Adam would be looking for something more. A lot of what the other guy did suggested that maybe he would, but at the same time, he didn’t get that flirty vibe coming across. It was kind of confusing. Either way, twelve hours out of a highly intense relationship was not the time for looking for any more than friendship.
"So you didn't get it back when you stopped doing the art thing?" Adam asked, frowning still. At least he was until Kyle touched him. Then he was left staring at Kyle's hand, not sure what to make of it. The contact sent a jolt through him, like electricity, but he had no idea what to make of it. People really didn't touch him. Just Jeffrey and the occasional girl here or there, but really no one did. They kept their distance, but Kyle clearly...wasn't. Adam didn't know what to do. If he should hold Kyle's hand (who did that?) or just pull away, so he wound up frozen, staring until what Kyle was saying filtered through. "Came to what conclusion about me. And I can't explain the tattoo. It just made sense. I can keep it covered. And friends. I...what else would it be?"
Kyle felt a pang of what could only be described as disappointment when Adam so blatantly said that friends was the only option. I guess you have your answer there Van Allen. He never saw you any other way, despite everything. He dropped the other man’s hands and shoved his own into his jacket pockets. “Harry always said he liked taking care of me,” Kyle said, looking anywhere but at Adam’s face. Kyle didn’t admit, though, that he had always liked to be taken care of. It felt somehow right to withhold that bit of information. “When I stopped working, I was finding everything very stressful and Harry picked up the slack pretty much everywhere. He… I guess he pretty much ran my life for me.” Kyle shrugged. “I never did seem to do a very good job of running it for myself.” He turned to lean against the wall, contemplating what he wanted to say about the conclusions he had come to about Adam. Friends. Friends. That would mean not admitting to some things. Certainly not admitting to attraction. Or charming. Sweet might also be out. Weirdly, ‘freaky tattoo guy’ was still on the table, but Kyle had already said that. “You’re a nice guy,” he said, in the end. “You’re sincere, and honest. You care. And you’re funny.” He finally looked up, meeting Adam’s eyes. “And you also seem like someone who could do with a friend. I know you have friends. But - maybe you could do with a friend like me. Someone who’ll tell you that you’re wonderful, whenever you are. Someone who’ll be your own personal cheerleader when you need it. Or maybe a wingman who’s guaranteed not to be competition for you.” He looked Adam up and down. “And someone who’ll take you shopping on his credit card for a more flattering wardrobe. Because… Seriously, A.”
Adam didn't like it when Kyle let go of his hand at all. It was a weird thing, not knowing if he wanted him to touch it, but then he wasn't and Adam hated that. He also didn't like that Kyle didn't answer the question what other options beyond friends there were. It was something that for some unknown to him reason, he really wanted to know the answer to. "I'm sure you did a fine job. Taking care of you and running your life are two really different things. I like taking care of people but I'd never like...take over." Adam made a face then shook his head. That was so not okay. When Kyle describe him though he went a little hushed. He actually thought he was all of those things, but no one had ever really said them or at least not in a sense that wasn’t completely condescending. "I'm not wonderful," he said shaking his head. "And I don't need a wingman. I am a wingman." At mention of his clothes looked down at them, pulling at the too-big long sleeved shirt, which was one of his nicer ones, and shaking his head. "What's wrong with this? Jeff picked this out. He said it looked good. I thought I looked good."
Kyle took Adam’s moment of quiet to force himself back together again. He didn’t go entirely false, not this time, but he did push all of his issues - including the attraction to Adam that was clearly unwanted - and pushed them deep down inside. Then he placed something heavy over them and mentally walked away. He sighed. Shaking his head at Adam, he stepped into his side and took his arm, linking it with his at the elbow and starting them walking down the corridor again. “This is what happens when a straight guy picks out your clothes,” he said, playing up the campness for a moment, though that wasn’t really him. “You look okay. I could do better. Then you wouldn’t need to relegate yourself to wingman. I’ve just got out of a relationship, I’m free, but not looking. I’m the perfect wingman. And you can be the star attraction.” He was torturing himself, he knew. Just like he knew he was doing it on purpose. It was a reaction to Adam confirming they could only ever be friends. To questioning why it could ever be thought there was anything more. Kyle knew he was feeling guilty about being attracted to the other guy, even if he was sure Adam had no clue about it. So, here he was, offering to help get the guy someone - knowing that if he was successful, Kyle would spend the night sitting in a corner trying not to cry into a beer.
"What better? I don't think it gets much better than this." But Kyle was touching him again which was better. Much better. He shook his head. "I'm not much for relationships. Or a girlfriend or whatever. I sort of attract the worst." He'd never had a girlfriend and even the ones he hooked up with were all pretty bad. Jeffrey had said as much. And had dodged a couple of bullets. "I'm not going to be the star of anything."
“That’s because you don’t have a proper wardrobe, Adam,” Kyle said, which seemed a far more appropriate answer than I saw you in the tiny shirt - you have a definite body under there. “I’m not going to push it - if you don’t want a girlfriend, or aren’t into relationships, then fine. But there’s no reason not to look your best anyway. It’s great for the self-confidence.” And Kyle’s opinion was that Adam needed all the help he could get in the self-confidence area. And if the guy happened to want to remain single, then that was just fine with Kyle.
"I really don't see how that would make a difference," Adam said. He shook his head. "It's not like I don't want someone. I'm just not...what people want." He never had been. Not as a kid with no family or now as a very single adult.
Kyle stopped and turned to Adam, his arm shifting so his hand was cupping Adam’s elbow. “How on earth could you not be what people want?” he asked, in a tone that clearly said that he couldn’t believe that was the case. “You’re want some people want. Nobody’s right for everybody.” Kyle looked at him intently for a moment, his blue eyes shining. Then he coughed and abruptly turned away. “The girls you’ve met are clearly stupid,” he said, covering himself. He was worried, worried that all of this was just a reaction to the breakup. That he was just projecting onto Adam. That he was going to royally fuck everything up, one way or another. He usually did, after all.
Again Adam had to stop short, staring at Kyle. He found himself wondering if he was what Kyle wanted. Probably not. And it probably didn't matter because Kyle was a guy and Adam wasn't into guys. Or at least, he hadn't been before. But being wanted by Kyle in any sense sounded pretty damn appealing. "You know they said the same thing back in foster care for the first decade."
Kyle forced a smile onto his face. “What? That girls are stupid - because I think everyone goes through the ‘cooties’ stage, A,” he joked, knowing full well that wasn’t what Adam had meant.
Adam gave Kyle a look. "That someone would want me." But no one had. "And girls are stupid."
Kyle brought his lips in between his teeth, thinking hard for a moment. He really wanted to hug Adam right now. The guy really looked like he needed a hug. But Kyle was scared that it would make things weird. It didn’t even have anything really to do with attraction. Kyle was just a guy who was comfortable with showing physical affection. Around his friends - when he had friends who weren’t Harry (Harry’s friends didn’t count and Kyle had become estranged from the majority of his during his relationship with Harry) - he had touched them all the time. But he didn’t know with Adam. In the end, he decided to be adult about it and just ask. “Can I hug you? I think you need a hug.”
Adam didn't know how to answer that question. Especially not when he was watching Kyle's mouth. "Can you...why would you ask?" Did he really seem like he needed a hug. "Unless you mean that as sort of a way of calling me a wuss." That was the last the time he'd heard that.
“I would ask because some people aren’t comfortable with physical affection or touches and I don’t want to invade your personal space if you’re one of those people. You looked a bit shocked when I touched your hand. So - if you’re uncomfortable, or rather I wouldn’t, then I won’t. But if you don’t mind, then I won’t think you’re a wuss. I don’t think you’re a wuss. I’m a great believer in hugs. Even for big butch guys who don’t take shit from no one.” Kyle held his arms out for Adam to step into if he wanted, inviting him in.
"You've already been in my personal space," Adam pointed out. "But I'm...Okay with hugs. Just not used to them." He hesitated for a moment then stepped forward, hand finding Kyle's hip.
Kyle wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tight for a moment. He loosened his grip and was about to let go when he changed his mind. Resting his chin on Adam's shoulder, his arms around the other man's chest, he asked, "If I turn out to be a horrible person. If you realise you don't want me as a friend, would you regret the tattoo?"
That hug was nice. Adam couldn't deny it. And then Kyle didn't move away. He kept his hand on Kyle's hip, the other around his waist. "I don't think I could regret it. You aren't a horrible person.”
"But, if I was? If you didn't want me in your life?" he pressed.
"Ky, I can't...I can't imagine not wanting someone in my life," he said softly. "But no. Probably not." Adam was quiet for a moment. "Do you hate it that much?"
Kyle let him go and stepped back, telling himself it wasn’t reluctantly. “I don’t hate the tattoo, Adam,” he said. “If you’d have already gotten that tattoo when we met and you showed it to me, I would have thought it was cool. What gets me is that you got that tattoo after we met. After a random conversation in a diner with a random guy and you apparently got the tattoo because of that guy. So - if that guy turns out to be a regret in your life, I’d hate to think the tattoo would be a regret too. If it would be… That’s a whole lot of pressure to put on random guy not to be a disappointment.”
Adam shook his head. "Nothing about that night feels random." It was a quiet statement. "I won't regret it. That's not who I am."
Kyle opened his mouth, his eyes slightly wide. It wasn’t just what Adam said, but also the way in which he said it. That quiet tone. As though he meant it. As though it wasn’t a line, meant to impress, or make Kyle melt, which, of course meant that Kyle felt exactly that. It left him not quite knowing how to react. “We should probably go find your friends,” he said, finally, trying to cover that there’d ever been a hesitation.
There was no denying the hesitation. That for a moment Kyle didn’t say anything. Adam was tugging at his sleeve again, frowning, feeling weird. Like he’d missed something huge without meaning to. He ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it a little, then tilting his head. “Friend. And yeah. I could use a hit of something.” Or a strong drink.
“Friend. Sorry. I figured that there’d been a group of you,” Kyle said, jumping on that. “So. Yeah. Let’s go. Should we?” he asked, feeling like things had just got weird. Weirder. Something.
“There probably was, but they aren’t my friends, not really,” Adam said, something he’d been very aware of for a long time. Jeffrey was his friend, the rest were friends with Jeffrey. Though he was Jeffrey’s best friend, which was what mattered. “Yeah, come on.”
Kyle started them walking down the corridor again, seeing the end coming into sight. He kept some distance between them this time, not taking Adam’s arm again. “It was like that with Harry,” he said, after a moment or two. “Our friends were his friends really.”
Adam didn’t really like the space between them, but he didn’t know why and not knowing why was reason enough to just keep it there. “He’s not like Harry,” Adam insisted. “He’s just more likeable. His friends like me well enough, it’s just...they like him more.”
Kyle looked across and raised a brow. “You don’t know what Harry’s like,” he pointed out. “Harry was likeable.”
"Yeah but Jeffrey would never throw me out," Adam pointed out sternly.
“So, someone’s not likeable, just because they broke up with their boyfriend?” Kyle asked, though there was no real effort behind the words. Things hadn’t been right with Harry for a long time. Kyle knew that. He had known for weeks now that he wasn’t what Harry wanted. Not anymore.
“See I’m pretty sure breakups don’t end with throwing someone out without their wallet or phone,” Adam said, shaking his head. Not that he’d had anything that resembled actual experience, but he could assume.
"There was an argument. Neither of us was really thinking straight," Kyle averred. "He probably expected me to come crawling back this morning." Which, maybe once upon a time he would have done. But he had been truthful. Things hadn't been right for a while between him and Harry.
Adam shook his head. “The only explanation that works is that you left your stuff when you ran out because he hit you.” He looked at Kyle frowning. “You wouldn’t have gone back though right? I mean...Look at your face. You wouldn’t go back to him after that.”
Kyle shook his head. "I told you. He didn't mean this. I...I don't know what I'd have done. I didn't have as anywhere else to go."
“Do you hear yourself?” Adam asked as he stopped. “He didn’t mean to do this applies to like accidentally hitting someone with a grocery cart or bumping into them! It doesn’t apply to actually hitting someone!” He looked at Kyle, hurt on his own features for Kyle. “Your parents! Me! A shelter for god’s sake. The police.” He shook his head and reached for Kyle’s chin again, like he had when he was first looking at his lip. “You don’t hurt people you love. You just don’t.” Though how many times had he seen Jeffrey and his family come to blows? Or watched Jeffrey threaten or hurt his friends? Plenty, but Adam never thought of them as people Jeffrey cared enough about. Which was why he was sure Jeffrey wouldn’t hurt him. Mostly sure.
Kyle faced off against him. “I’m not some… girl… who’s in… I don’t need a shelter! God, Adam - you make it sound like he beat me to a pulp every day for… It’s not like that, okay!” he protested, his eyes flashing. “There’s a reason that I asked you about the tattoo, okay? There’s a reason why I asked how it would be if you realised that I’m not the person that you think I am. I’m difficult. And prone to over-reacting over everything. I’m… I’m hard work. And people don’t like me. I’m not perfect. Don’t demonise Harry for a failed relationship.”
“Just because you’re not a girl doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusing you!” Adam blurted, biting his lip immediately afterward. “It doesn’t usually happen every day. But it happens enough to matter.” He’d seen it, kids who came through the system with him, with similar injuries and almost as many excuses. “No one’s perfect. But you aren’t supposed to love someone just for their good points. You’re supposed to love their flaws too.”
Kyle opened his mouth to retort. Then he took a deep breath instead and took his time on the exhale. “Can we… I’d rather not talk about this, now. Anyway, it’s over. It doesn’t really matter any more. Nobody loves me for anything anymore.”
“Someone…will.” Adam started that wrong, thinking all the wrong things and wanting to put himself into that place and knowing full well that didn’t make sense at all. Not even the slightest bit. But he knew someone would. Someone had to. And he hoped that when Kyle found him, Adam didn’t die from jealousy. Which was probably just because he wanted to be wanted like that. Nothing else. Probably.
Kyle pulled him lips between his teeth again, blushing slightly. “I… Thanks,” he said, feeling incredibly self-conscious. He was aware that Adam had the seeming ability to throw him off whatever centre he’d managed to find for himself. He still didn’t know what to make of the other guy. He was fairly sure that he should feel either mad, or freaked out, or some other kind of negative emotion about him. And yet… He just didn’t. He just felt hopeful, and warm, and more than slightly confused. Very confused.
Adam shouldn’t like that look so much. Or want to touch more of Kyle. That wasn’t how that was supposed to work right? He couldn’t just start feeling those things, could he? “At least you’re here. And not on some park bench. And as soon as we figure out how we got here, we’ll figure out where to get you to. Somewhere safe.”
Kyle nodded. “Right. That’s the plan.” He looked around. “Look - there’s an elevator over there. Maybe we can take it down to the lobby or something,” he suggested. Maybe if they figured this one thing out. Where they were. And then got back onto some kind of solid ground. Maybe everything else would become a lot less confusing.
Adam looked where Kyle pointed and nodded. “Sounds as good a plan as any. Come on,” he said, leading the way towards the elevator.
Kyle followed on after Adam, walking a couple of steps behind. He was half lost in his thoughts, trying to make sense of them. Trying to figure himself out. Trying to figure Adam out. Wondering if he wanted to say the thoughts that were mulling around in his head. When he finally did speak, he actually didn’t mean to. The words slipped out before he could stop them. “So, Jeffrey. Is he just a friend, or…” He cringed, as soon as he heard himself say that. “Sorry. Just - you don’t have to answer that,” he said, climbing over his own words in the rush to apologise and speeding up to get to the elevator and call it. Dumb, stupid question. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Adam made a little face, not sure why Kyle would ask that question. “He’s just a friend…” he said, looking at Kyle curiously. “Did you think we were...together?” Because that would be weird. Adam supposed if he was into guys he might be interested in Jeffrey, but Adam hadn’t ever been into a guy before. Though looking at Kyle he wondered why that was. Which was another weird thing to wonder.
“No!” Kyle almost shouted, immediately. “No, no - I just… Oh God,” he buried his head in his hands, blushing all the way down his neck and under his shirt. “I don’t even know why I asked that. Can we pretend I never asked that. Please? Put it down to the, like, psychotic break I think I had last night? Or maybe this is all a really bad dream.”
“I’m a bad dream?” Adam asked, though he was half teasing. “I don’t care. I’m just not sure why you asked. It’s a weird thing to ask.”
Kyle pressed the button for the elevator again, hoping to be saved from the world’s most awkward situation, which was all of his own making. “Right. Weird thing to ask. Don’t know why I did. Since - you made it very clear. You’re into boobs. Right.” He bounced on his toes, not looking at Adam at all. “You’re not a bad dream. Clearly. I only ever screw up like this in real life.”
Adam made a face. “I don’t remember saying I was into boobs,” he said. That was kind of true, but that didn’t seem like all of it. For some reason it didn’t seem to fit him, just like everything else. Adam didn’t always fit into pre-determined boxes. “You aren’t screwing up you know. Just being a little weirder than usual.”
Weirder than usual - because you know me so well, Kyle thought. Then hated himself for the bitchy inner monologue. He took a few breaths, trying to centre himself again. He didn’t dare look up though, and he could hear the elevator approaching now. “Are you not into… You mentioned girls before,” he pointed out.
Adam should have anticipated the question, but he didn’t which meant he was left floundering a little. He found himself rubbing the back of his neck trying to figure out how to explain it. “There were girls. Not many, but yeah. I guess...I never really look at them the same way other guys do. It’s not always about the boobs or ass or whatever. Just more…” He gestured with his hands but that didn’t really explain it. “More than that. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I’m just weird.”
The elevator arrived and the doors slid open. Kyle stepped forward, placing himself against the doors to keep them open. He lifted his head, just meeting Adam’s eyes, though only just. As a result, he was looking up through his lashes even though he didn’t mean to. “Maybe the person inside is more important to you than the physical package?” he suggested, tentatively.
That look got an actual reaction out of Adam, his mouth going more towards an ‘oh’ than a moment before. It was striking wasn’t it? “Um...maybe that yeah. That seems...yeah.” He nodded, swallowing and finding a smile. “See? Weird.” Heading into the elevator he leaned against the back wall with another shrug.
Kyle stepped inside and let the door close, hitting the button to take them to the lobby. He stayed firmly on his side of the elevator. “Not weird. Kinda beautiful, actually. Most people can’t see past the physical.” Himself included. There was a large, unignorable part of him that was all about the package.
That made Adam blush, looking away from Kyle. “I guess. It’s not that I don’t like...what I see. I just see it differently sometimes.” He felt the elevator drop, relieved to be moving even if they were stuck in the same place.
Kyle kept his hands behind him, pressing them back against the wall of the elevator with his body. “How do you see it?” he asked, trying to keep his tone strictly conversational.
Adam sighed a little, trying to think of the words and gnawing on his lower lips as did so. “I guess...I like what else there is. How someone...makes me feel. Who they are. Like I don’t notice hot girls like the other guys do.”
Kyle sighed, tilting his head to one side as he looked at Adam. “How are you even single?” he asked. Then seemed to realise he’d asked and blushed bright red, turning to face the elevator door and willing it to open. He couldn’t believe he’d just said that!
“What?” Adam said looking over and then shook his head. “No one wants to stick around. They tell me how nice I am and leave in the morning. And even if they say they might call I never hear from them.”
Kyle stared at the still unopening elevator door and firmly thought to himself that he should just shut the fuck up and leave it. Which was, of course, why he said, “They’re all insane. I’d call you.” He realised, too late, what he’d just said - fortunately, it was at the same time that the doors finally opened. “I… Ignore that,” he said, practically running out and heading across the lobby. What the hell had he been thinking anyway?
Adam looked back over at Kyle, surprised, but then Kyle was dashing out the doors, leaving Adam to follow a few steps behind. “Actually you didn’t. You told me I was really nice and then I never saw you again,” he pointed out, slowing after a few steps to look around the hotel lobby. “Um. What the hell is this?” he asked, turning in a full circle as he took it in. “I feel like I just walked back in time.” He probably should have noticed it on another floor, but it was far more obvious in the lobby, the way everything looked like out of an old movie rather than the modular look so many hotels in the city had these days.
Kyle turned on Adam, making sure he kept his distance. “What did you expect? I had a boyfriend!” he exclaimed, feeling entirely humiliated in that instance. Enough so that he stopped pretending. He knew it wasn’t going to end well, but it was there now. Useless, stupid Kyle - rebounding on the straight guy. Or the ‘just enough question over his sexuality to make you think that maybe you had a shot even when you clearly don’t’ guy. “And it’s a hotel, Adam!” he added, not even bothering looking around. “Remember? We’re in some strange hotel and we don’t know where we are and we don’t know what’s going on and everything’s just… Maybe this is all a dream. Your dream, or my dream, or... I don’t even know!”
“Nothing happened!” Adam sighed. “You still ran out on me.” Which Adam shouldn’t have said. That was a stupid thing to say himself. He shook his head and reached for Kyle’s shoulder. “It’s not my dream. You wouldn’t be yelling at me in my dream.” He pointed around. “Look at this place. It’s not normal.”
Kyle pulled his shoulder away from Adam’s touch. The guy just didn’t get it. Even when it was thrust in his face, he didn’t get it. That left Kyle feeling even more hollow and humiliated than before. He pulled his jacket forcefully around his frame again and walked a few paces away, his back to Adam. This was just a nightmare, this whole thing. “What’s not normal about it?” he asked, his voice thick.
Adam didn’t get that. The way Kyle was pulling away from him or why he wanted desperately to follow after him and wrap his arms around him. Adam went closer again, despite the space that Kyle had put between them. “It’s old. Like vintage. But not...musty.”
Kyle was aware of Adam’s proximity, but he didn’t turn around. In actual fact, he walked away again. “Well, whatever - the exit’s over here. Maybe your friend already left,” he said, his voice hollow and empty. His tone just as plastic as his expression could be. It was the only way he knew how to cope when he was trying desperately not to fall apart.
With an eye roll Adam followed after Kyle, but didn’t say anything else as he did so. He hated that face. That tone. It was awful. “I don’t think he’d leave me,” he said, looking at Kyle still. “You know I hate that face,” he added, more of an unintentional blurt, but it was there nonetheless.
Kyle stopped, his hand on the exit door. What the hell was he doing? This was a recipe for disaster. This whole thing. He spun on his heel and faced Adam. “I don’t think this is going to work,” he said, dropping the hated expression and just being honest. “Me coming home with you. I know I asked, and I appreciate that you’d put me up. But it’s not going to work. It’s not going to work. Us keeping in touch. Us being some kind of friends. And it’s better that I’m honest about this now, rather than trying to keep pretending. Because… I like you, Adam. Not just as friends. You’re everything that I told you you were and more. You’re sweet and funny and charming. You make me smile, even when I want to be mad. And I just… I just want to be close to you. And - I don’t know that you’d even want that. And - I just got out of a relationship. Like, less than a day ago just. And it’s all confusing and I don’t know which way is up and then there’s this whole place on top of everything and I think… I think I should just leave. And I should just go. Without you. Now.”
Adam took a step back when Kyle turned, not sure what to do in that moment. Then Kyle prattled off some words that sounded all too familiar. The end was even more confusing and in a way didn’t make sense, at least not really. But Adam got it even if it made his insides sink and his shoulders roll forward, as his arms crossed over his middle, protecting himself. “Okay,” he said finally, not meeting Kyle’s eyes. Was he supposed to to say the part where he wanted Kyle closer to even though he didn’t know why he did? Did it matter? Kyle didn’t want him, not really. He didn’t even want to be his friend. Just like everyone else. Everyone but Jeffrey. “Whatever you want. I’m sorry.”
Kyle took in the words and the posture and he covered his face with his hands, pushing his fingers up into his hair in frustration, the balls of his hands resting on his forehead. He didn’t want to hurt Adam. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Adam. That was why walking away right now was for the best. To save Adam from having to deal with his screwed up shit. Only - too many people had walked away from Adam in the past. He clearly didn’t see it the way Kyle meant it.
Adam couldn’t just stand there, waiting for Kyle to leave. He couldn’t let this get him down. Kyle had left before. But for some reason, Adam kept hoping it would be different. “Well, I’m gonna go find Jeff.” He took a step back, reaching up to run his hand through his hair. “Good to see you again. And I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be sorry,” Kyle said, desperately. “You’ve done nothing wrong. This - this is all my fault.” He doubted that anything he had to say would change Adam’s views though. He looked up to the ceiling, blinking back tears, and then turned to push his way out through the exit doors.
Adam looked up. “It’s not your fault,” he said, looking at Kyle seriously. “You can’t change how you feel. I’m sorry I thought it was different. I should know better. I just hope...you’re happy. Eventually.”
Kyle paused, halfway through the doors. “Different?” he asked with a sob. “How much ‘different’ did you want it to be? Don’t answer that. I get it. The gay guy’s feelings are unwanted. And that’s why it’s better if I go.”
“Did I say that?” Adam said, moving back towards Kyle because he sounded like he was crying. “I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything about not wanting to be around you. Different where you aren’t leaving.” That was all he really had in his head at the moment. The rest he just wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t even sure what it would mean.
“Oh god. I don’t know what you want from me, Adam! I don’t know what I fucking want from you. I… Can’t deal with this right now. Any of this. I… It’s all too much in my head and I just… I’m sorry. I just - I’m so sorry,” he said and then before he could change his mind, Kyle pushed his way out of the doors and they closed behind him.
“I don’t want anything…” Adam started but Kyle had pushed out the door and he didn’t know what to do otherwise. Was he just supposed to follow him when he ran away like that? Probably not. So Adam didn’t do anything other than just stand there, staring at the door. He really was bad at friendships. It was a wonder Jeffrey had wanted to be his friend at all.