Manipulation Who: Kyle and Adam Where: Their tent When: Morning
Kyle pounded out all of his frustrations on the cart rim the blacksmith had him mending, pounding the strip of metal as if it was personally responsible for the fact he'd barely slept overnight, and that he was pretty sure his boyfriend was pissed off with him right now. Kyle had never been particularly good with dealing with issues and he had fallen back into old habits: he had thrown himself into work. He would have stayed at it all day as well, if the blacksmith hadn't pulled him to one side and indicated that Kyle needed to stop before he fell down, plus he was ruining the cart rim rather than mending it.
Banished from the forge, Kyle made his way back to their tent, wondering what he would find.
Adam hadn't gone looking for Kyle right after talking to Kennedy. He wanted to, but he knew Kyle was at work and really he needed to process things, what Kennedy had said, before he started spouting off questions or accusations. Not that he was going to accuse Kyle of anything, but at the same time Adam was worried. Had Kyle only wanted him because he didn't trust him not to sleep with Kennedy? Had that really been all it was? Professions of how much he cared about Adam, about how Adam was his everything and at the same time, was Kyle still trying to keep him from making his own decisions about things? And was Adam that girl that falls for the first guy who sticks around in the morning?
He threw himself into work as well, resurrecting the tent from where it had been trampled, trying to patch up the worst of the damage and sort out what of their things that had been ruined and what hadn't. The tent was looking almost back to normal, if only a slightly bit lopsided than it had been originally.
“I’m impressed,” Kyle said, quiet and almost tentative as he stood a few feet away from Adam. He wasn’t sure what else to say, wondering if Adam was going to bring up how clearly upset he’d been at Kyle’s behaviour overnight. Kyle wanted to just come out and say he was sorry, but he knew that it would be an empty apology. He wasn’t sorry, not really. Sure, he was sorry that their situation made his behaviour warranted, and under any other scenario he wouldn’t have acted like that, but they weren’t anywhere else. They were here. So, Kyle felt that staying away from Adam overnight, whilst they were with other people, was warranted and the best thing to do, given that Kyle and his feelings for the other man were massively, blatantly obvious. “You’ve done a great job here,” he added.
Adam looked up at the voice, smiling a little but not saying anything right away because he was still thinking about what Kennedy had said, about them, and about what so much of it meant. “We couldn’t really sleep in the collapsed thing.” Though right now he desperately wanted to go home. Or back to the hotel. Whatever options there were. He looked at Kyle, seeing him loiter in the tent entrance. “You okay?”
Kyle half shrugged a shoulder. “I’m kinda tired,” he offered up, though he didn’t move from where he was. “For some reason, I didn’t sleep very well last night.” He looked at Adam, hoping the guy would get what he wasn’t saying - that the reason he didn’t sleep well last night was because of Adam not being there, not because of rampaging animals and being wounded. “The blacksmith told me to get lost before I hurt myself or someone else.” He kept it simple, at that, avoiding the additional reasons of the way Kyle had been hammering the hell out of things to try and release his frustration and anger at being trapped here.
Adam looked back at Kyle, smiling a little softer. “Yeah, I didn’t either. I was worried about you.” Which was true. Adam figured that out from what Kyle had said and his mind went back towards where he’d been before the chat with Kennedy, where all he’d been worried about was putting so much space between himself and Kyle. “What? Why would he do that? Because you were tired?”
“Yeah,” Kyle said, then belatedly remembered what Adam had said yesterday, about how Kyle was the worst liar in the world. “And just… All of this. I don’t want to be here anymore. So, I guess it’s everything. Apparently I was being mean to the poor defenseless metal and ruining things.”
Adam waved for Kyle to stop talking in entrance of the tent and actually come in the room. “I want to get out of here too. Here sucks. Why were you being mean?” He was quiet for a moment then went back to sorting through which of their things didn’t have blood on them. “I saw Kennedy today.” How else was he supposed to lead into that? There was probably a better way but Adam didn’t know what it was.
Kyle headed into the tent, letting the entry flap fall shut behind him. He was still thinking about how to answer Adam’s question when the other man mentioned Kennedy and Kyle internally froze. Outwardly, he tried to remain cool and relaxed, as though not actually bothered at all, as he said, “I was beating the shit out of a length of metal and went way beyond what was needed. No control, no precision, just… Taking my feelings out on it. What happened with Kennedy?” His tone sounded light, probably too light, especially with the way it lilted up at the end and wavered a little. He refused to be that guy who tried to tell Adam who he could and couldn’t be friends with, but there was no way that he could view Kennedy as anything other than a threat. Unless, of course, Kennedy was gushing about having a new boyfriend and his plan with Chase had actually worked. That would be fine, he’d take that. He’d be fucking throwing them a party at that.
“Why were you doing thing? What was bothering you so?” Adam asked, abandoning what he was working on and moving closer to Kyle. He didn’t answer the question about Kennedy, too distracted by how upset Kyle was. Maybe Kennedy was right. He was a total sucker for this man.
Kyle frowned, confused at the question that he’d thought was obvious. Adam always acted like he could see right through him. It threw Kyle a little when he realised that his boyfriend didn’t always just know. “I don’t like it here. I don’t like hiding who I am. Who we are. I hated the fact that I had to stay as far away from you as I could last night because I couldn’t trust myself and how I act when I’m near you. I hate the fact that you hated what I was doing and I could tell that I hurt you doing it. I hate the fact that you were hurt yesterday and I could do nothing to help - I couldn’t even bandage your wounds because I’m totally fucking useless. I hurt and I was attacked by a bird and I think I’m going to have nightmares about eagles and crows and I don’t know what tearing my hair off for months and this place smells funny and it’s dirty and uncomfortable and I need a hot shower and I haven’t had caffeine for too many days and I want to go home!” Kyle exclaimed, working himself up into a state and only just biting back the ’now tell me the fuck about Kennedy’ that threatened to follow on from his rant.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Adam said as the floodgates opened and he moved closer, to him, reaching out for his arm, pulling him closer. “I don’t like it here either. I don’t like that you have to hide who you are and you were really far away last night, but you aren’t useless. You took care of me just fine.” He should have been able to pick up on that, what Kyle was upset about, but his mind was too jumbled in with what Kennedy had said. “It’s going to be fine,” he said softly. “We’re going to get out of here. I will do everything in my power to make it happen.”
When he was pulled closer, Kyle went with it, practically falling against Adam and burying his face in his shoulder, wrapping his arms around the other man and taking comfort in just being there with him. It immediately took off a lot of the stress Kyle had been carrying around and his whole body seemed to let out a deep sigh as he relaxed. “You know, when you say it, I actually believe you,” Kyle told him, though he knew that was because he wanted to. He wanted Adam to be someone who could just make everything okay, always.
Adam held on to Kyle tightly, trying to be reassuring. It was funny, how Brett had thought he was nuts for wanting to find a way out when Adam had this, Kyle needing him to figure it out so they could go home. Or somewhere not here. Whatever. “Because you trust me right?” Adam said, not meaning for the question to slip out the way it did, but there it was, weighing too heavily on his mind.
Kyle didn’t catch the implication of the question as he smiled into Adam’s neck. “Because you’re my white knight,” he answered. “Because you always make everything better.”
Right, those things. Those were the reasons. Adam pulled back a little bit looking at Kyle. “But you do...you trust me?”
Kyle frowned. “...Of course I do,” he said, confused about why he was being asked that, realising that it hadn’t just been a throwaway question. “Why?”
Adam took a step back, shrugging a little. “Just...wondering...if you do. If you really do. If you’re pushing things between us because you want to and not because you’re worried about...what I might do if you're not.” As soon as he finished trying to say something Adam realized it didn’t make sense and he wasn’t sure what to say to make it make sense. Sighing he ran his fingers through his hair, making it stand up more.
As Adam spoke, Kyle took his own step back, bringing his arms up to hug himself, a look of confusion taking over his expression. Adam’s words were like a punch to the gut. “Are you trying to say… what? That I’m, I’m… throwing myself at you, because I think you’ll…” He trailed off, angry and hurt that Adam would think that of him, but also because, deep down inside, part of him knew that there had been moments where maybe it had been true. But not like that - Adam made it sound like Kyle had been forcing things, it wasn’t like that. It had just been that, maybe, Kyle had abandoned their plans of ‘slowly’ when maybe he would otherwise have held back - but it wasn’t like Adam hadn’t been an entirely willing participant in everything. Encouraging it, even, in places.
Adam reached out for Kyle as he closed in on himself. “No, no, not...I’m not sure. I didn’t realize you talked to Kennedy right before we...and the first time it was after I mentioned her and…” He stopped, swallowed and tried to slow down his racing thoughts. “I just want to be sure it’s because you want to and not because you feel like you have to prove something.”
Kyle felt sick. He didn’t know what to say. He flinched back instinctively as Adam reached for him. He wasn’t good with touch when confrontation was involved, his mind not associating that with ever leading to anything good. He took another step back. “I want to,” he said, not daring to add anything else right now. He wondered if the whole truth wouldn’t just make matters worse. “I told you yesterday that I trusted you,” he said, his voice small. “You know… you know how I feel about Kennedy. You know what happened with Harry. I told you, it’s not… it’s not you. It’s never a reflection on you.” Which wasn’t, actually, what Adam had been asking, but maybe it would be a better answer than trying to actually explain things.
The moment Kyle flinched Adam jerked his hand back like he’d burned it, feeling that pain deep in him. Kyle was flinching away from him like he might hurt him. He moved away, looking for something to do with his hands because obviously he was just hurting matters. “So you don’t trust me. Even if it’s not my fault. That was what this was for wasn’t it? That was the point…” He felt sick himself, running his hands over his face. He’d loved being with Kyle. And he’d been so wrong.
“I trust you,” Kyle said, finally taking a step forward when Adam moved away. He let go of himself, bringing his hands in front of himself and practically wringing them together. “Totally groundless fear, remember?” he said, his tone almost pleading. He could feel tear pricking behind his eyes, but he wouldn’t be that guy. He didn’t want to cheat in an argument by bringing tears into it, even if he didn’t really understand where this was all coming from. They’d talked about it just yesterday and Adam had been fine about everything. So understanding, the way he always was. “I’m with you because I want to be with you. You’re my fairytale, remember? We were laughing at how corny that was?”
Adam looked up, not able to look at Kyle, his back halfway turned to him. “Yeah but it’s me Ky. I’m not...him. God you know that.” He ran his hands over his face again hearing Kennedy’s voice again and again. “I know we were. And now I’m feeling like I’ve rushed into these feelings blind and…” And now he was going to get hurt. God, he was stupid.
“I know - I know you’re not him. You’re never going to be him, A,” Kyle said, desperately. It felt like suddenly everything was falling apart. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t… I get jealous and possessive and I know I shouldn’t, but I just… I can’t help it, but it’s never, I’ve never…” He stumbled through, trying to pick out a truth that would make things better and not sound terrible under the circumstances. He had never meant for anything like this to happen. He had just wanted them to be happy. Right now, he felt like a monster and he didn’t even know if he could, or even should, be trying to justify things.
“But you did,” Adam said turning to look at Kyle. “You did it because you thought you needed to remind me of something, to prove that I needed you or whatever. You know I don’t need that. I want to be here. I want to be with you. I’m not him. And now I’m not even sure of what things meant. If I screwed up and let things get rushed when you didn’t want it at all.”
Kyle shook his head, desperately. “No - I wanted it, I wanted you. I just…” He hung his head, biting his bottom lip hard. He wasn’t going to cry, even if that was all he wanted to do right now. “Like, that first night, when you told me about Kennedy. I… I was jealous. Someone else wanted you. A girl. Someone who probably, by all rights, had a better chance with you than I did, because… girl. Then you told me that you didn’t think I saw you like that. Like you were desirable. And I did that stupid… I didn’t know what else to do to prove to you that I did see you that way. So… I told you. I told you all about the ways that I saw you.” Kyle looked up, red eyed and pleading. “I know I said slow originally, and I know that I kicked things off in the worst possible way, but… I did want you. It wasn’t all some… thing. I just… I was there, in the bar, telling you all these things and I realised I didn’t want to hold back, that I wanted to do all the things I was telling you. More than wanted. I couldn’t wait. Not if you were willing. How I feel about you isn’t a lie, Adam. This… isn’t all some kind of a game to me. I want to be here too. I want to be with you.”
“Why do you think just because she’s a girl she has a better chance with me? She’s a stranger. You’re you Kyle. I have a fucking tattoo that I designed for you. Or I came up with for you. Because it’s you and I never thought I’d see you again and you made me feel these things that I didn’t even know I could! I like you. It’s not something you have to prove. And it’s not just then. It’s the other night too. You talked to her before we…” He sighed, hating that look on Kyle’s face, the way he looked like he was going to cry and Adam had done that. He’d made Kyle cry. “I just need to know. I need to know it’s not some thing to make sure I stay because I want to be here and I don’t want you to do that.”
Kyle shook his head, jumping on that. Jumping on the fact that Adam was asking him for something he could actually do. “It’s not some thing,” he said, eagerly. “Yes - I talked to her at the banquet, but that was hours before. It had nothing to do with you dragging me into someone else’s room. I was more concerned about getting caught than anything else. I promise you that I’m not using sex to… keep you on some leash and make sure you stick around.” He laughed a little, half-crazed right now. “If anything, I’m using sex because you have this ability to make me indescribably horny.”
Adam watched him, taking in what he was saying, listening careful, watching Kyle for some sort of slip if there was one, not that he thought there might be, but he wanted to be sure. He needed to be sure. “Well don’t. Don’t even think you might need to. I’m here because I want to be here. Because it’s you.” He reached for Kyle, pulling him closer again. “You have the same ability when it comes to me.”
This time, Kyle let himself be pulled, though he didn’t actually come any further himself, holding back from falling into Adam’s arms the way he normally would. He felt a little better, as it seemed that Adam wasn’t about to leave him. He had thought that was a real possibility, only moments ago. That Adam would just call it quits and leave. “I… I need to tell you that… I get that I don’t have anything to prove to you. I know you’re here because you want to be here. I promise you that I would never, ever try and tell you where you should be, or what you should and shouldn’t do. But… I… I get kinda possessive, over you. And I’m not going to try and do anything or anything, but… For me… It does kinda… Make that urge to take you somewhere private and rip all your clothes off kinda… more difficult to resist.” Kyle tried to put that in as acceptable way as he could. He knew he needed to be totally honest about that at this point. Just like he knew that, in the future, he was going to be trying much harder to avoid that instinct to remind Adam just who he was with and why. Clearly it was far more of an issue for Adam than he’d previously said, and Kyle didn’t want there to be anything like that between them.
Adam sighed, not pulling at Kyle anymore, dropping his hold on him. “Okay. So it does that. I’m okay with that,” he said thinking that was the only answer. “Just so long as it’s not just for that then I think it’s okay. It’s nice to be wanted. You know I’m the same way about you right?” He wanted to keep Kyle to himself, as much as he could at least.
Kyle was smiling more now, slowly rebuilding his confidence in the situation. “You know you don’t need to worry about me either, right? All I want is you. I mean, hell, I was talking to a gay pornstar yesterday and you were pretty much the main topic of conversation,” Kyle joked, not stopping to think about what he was saying. “He was pretty jealous of what we have, y’know.”
“You were talking to who?” Adam asked, pulling back surprised. “Why were you talking to a pornstar? About me? And jealous of what? Because I’ve got nothing on some sort of pornstar.” Not a damn thing.
Kyle coloured as he realised that he’d kinda sorta not mentioned that side of things to Adam before. “Erm… You remember I told you about Chase? Well, turns out that… He’s been in a few, y’know… movies. So, I, erm… Was talking to him because I met him when I was looking up your results and… We got to talking. He, erm, said you sounded like a great guy. I was talking about you because he’s been landed with the same roll as me - squire. So, we were talking about our knights. He was saying how handsome and charming his knight was and naturally I was all ‘not as much as mine’, or something. And cue neon sign above Kyle’s head broadcasting how into you I am. Which is exactly what you have on some pornstar. You have me. And together, we have us. At least, I hope we do. I want us to do. That’s what he was jealous of - what we have.” What Kyle desperately hoped they still had.
Adam made a little face, watching Kyle. “So you know this guy from his work then?” God, that had to be weird. He and his friends had talked about how awesome it would be to know a porn star but in reality it would probably be really weird. “I think we we still have us. I didn’t think that was up for discussion.” He wanted them to still be together, despite his concerns. Maybe he was that girl. Kennedy was right.
Kyle blushed bright red when Adam made the correct assumption. “Yes, I… recognised him, but that’s… I’m glad we still have us. I…” He didn’t care about things to do with Chase, and he certainly didn’t want to have to talk about the types of porn he’d watched in the past. Especially not when Adam was basically telling him things were okay. “I was afraid you were going to walk out. I was afraid that I’m fucked up and made all the wrong choices and I’d screwed up my chance with you. I thought you were going to leave me.”
That made Adam just grin a little, hiding it behind his hand a little. “So you, good little you, watched porn? You’re gonna have to explain that to me,” he teased lightly, though there was an honest curiosity behind it. “Hey, hey, I wasn’t going anywhere. I needed to ask some things, make sure we were okay but I didn’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave you.”
Kyle visibly sagged, finally believing that, finally acknowledging that fact. It even took the edge off the frankly embarrassing line of questioning from Adam. He laughed - almost a giggle, tinged with relief. “Baby, I’m twenty years old. Did you really think that I’d never watched porn? I don’t quite know what there is to explain.”
“You? I can’t see you watching porn, it just doesn’t fit in my head. Seems a little too dirty for you.” Adam was smiling still, trying to hide that grin. “I mean me, that makes sense. I hung out with a bunch of good for nothing guys. We watched porn when we were bored and there wasn’t anything else on, but you… You’re too good.”
Kyle arched a brow. “See, that I never did. Watch porn with friends? Probably because, well, you’d have all been guys together watching straight porn and being straight, right? Whereas I was wanting gay porn, and honestly? The only friends of mine that would have been interested would have been gay as well and that’s just a recipe for disaster. Or girls and… no. So it was just me and my computer. I’m sure you can manage to picture that in your head…”
Adam considered that then nodded. “Alright. fair. That would be weird. Though it was weird that we would watch it like it was real shit. Like it was a real movie.” He shook his head before raising an eyebrow at the picture Kyle painted. “So with this guy Chase you’ve…” Oh that was really awkward.
Kyle nodded, smiling tightly. “Yeah. Awkward. That fabulous moment when you realise that not only do you know what the guy you’ve just introduced yourself to looks like naked, but that you’ve got off to it? I have never wanted the ground to swallow me up so fast in my entire life,” Kyle admitted, actually feeling a strange sense of relief to be able to admit that to Adam. Like it was something he’d been holding inside without really appreciating it.
Adam made a face then shook his head. “Yeah I don’t think I want to meet this guy. Because that’s all I’ll be thinking about.” He shook his head. He really didn’t need to meet someone who was probably hot and well endowed and wonder how he matched up to him.
Kyle smiled impishly and took a step forward, looping his arms loosely about Adam’s shoulders, finally making contact, a sign he was feeling better about things. “He’s actually a pretty nice guy. Not at all what I expected from someone who works in the sex industry, but honestly? I think if you and I both talked to him, he’d probably spend the entire time telling us how we’re some kind of written in the stars, meant to be couples or something. He doesn’t seem to do relationships and I think he has, like, this driving need to live vicariously through other people’s.”
“Yeah I’m pretty sure I’m still going to spend the whole time wondering if you’re picturing him naked. And what he might look like naked. And that he knows what he’s doing well enough to be filmed doing it.” Adam shook his head and let his hands fall on Kyle’s hips. “I guess I can see why he wouldn’t date. That’s a lot of pressure for a boyfriend right? Finding out that that’s what your boyfriend does? Or how to you meet people. Not at work obviously.”
Kyle laughed. "Okay, I'm just gonna specifically put this out there. I'm not into this guy. I'm not picturing him in any state of undress when we talk, and I'm not thinking at all about what he may or may not be able to do." Kyle was aware that Adam had self-doubts in relation to his abilities in bed, and knowing what he was doing, but Kyle didn't want those made worse by porn comparisons. "The only person I'm picturing naked is you." He bit his bottom lip between his teeth and coloured, just slightly. "And I may have gotten off to that vision once or twice as well," he admitted.
“Alright you aren’t into gorgeous, well hung porn guy,” Adam said, but it was a good thing to hear. That Kyle wasn’t into Chase. That made life much easier. He did have his doubts, which was rough, but just so long as what he did have to give was enough so far, that was was a good start. He raised another eyebrow, looking at Kyle curiously. “You have? When was that?”
"After the diner, before the hotel?" Kyle admitted. He'd tried not to. He'd felt guilty thinking of Adam at all, but there had been nights, when Harry had been out with friends and Kyle had been lonely and miserable, when Adam's had been the face he'd seen.
Adam pulled back slightly, surprised at the timing. "You did think of me then." More than thought about him. That was intense, but at the same time, it meant more to Adam than he was capable of putting into words. Not just the part about imagining him naked, just that Adam had been on Kyle's mind.
"I thought of you then," Kyle confirmed. "You got under my skin. The idea of you. The idea of someone like you. Plus, y'know, looking the, way you look didn't hurt either," he teased.
Adam chuckled a little, pressing his forehead closer to Kyle's. He let his fingers pull at Kyle's shirt, bunching it up in his hands to get at the skin of his lower back. "That's what I was thinking about you." He'd thought of Kyle too. Jeffrey had done his best to distract Adam from the jump, but more than once Kyle had worked his way into his mind.
"You thought about me?" Kyle asked, his breath ghosting against Adam's face. "As in, you thought about me, or you thought about thought about me?"
Adam looked somewhere above Kyle, not quite able to meet his eyes. "A little of both," he admitted quietly. He didn't know what he'd been feeling then, but he knew that Kyle's hands on him was something that kept coming back time and time again.
Kyle reached up with both hands. Planting them gently at either side of Adam's face, he tilted his head back down, wanting Adam to look at him. "Hey, what's with that?" he asked, gently. "I said I did it too. It's okay if you did. Makes me feel better that you did too."
Adam felt his cheeks go pink even as Kyle held on to them. "I know you did. I just didn't even know what I was thinking. It's still a little embarrassing."
Kyle wasn't going to tell Adam that he couldn't be embarrassed. If that's what he was feeling, then that's what he was feeling. Still, he didn't want that to linger, either. Adam's ego had a long way to go, and Kyle wasn't going to miss out on any chance to make his boyfriend feel desirable. "I don't think it's embarrassing," he said, his voice low as he leaned in towards Adam. "Actually, I think it's kinda hot. Thinking of you like that. I'd... like to see it sometime. See you, like that. Watch you. I bet you're the most glorious thing ever."
Distantly Adam hoped Kennedy wasn't right. That Kyle wouldn't manipulate him like she said. Though it wasn't as if he knew it had happened to him the first time. Maybe he was just a perfect candidate for it. The concern was distant though, not as prevalent as the need to press his fingers into Kyle's back. "You've seen me like that," he murmured but he knew it wasn't what Kyle meant.
Kyle knew it wasn't what he'd meant, and he took Adam's comment as a rebuttal. He was on edge and he knew it. He hadn't seen this fight - if that was what this had been - coming and he was worried that he would be blindsided by more. So, he was being cautious, which right now meant stepping back from flirtation if there was the slightest suggestion that it wasn't welcome. "Right," he agreed, dropping his eyes for a moment, then making himself look back at Adam again. "I have. And it was great. You're great."
Adam caught that though, the way Kyle dropped it. He was just embarrassed at the thought, sure it wasn't something Kyle wanted to see, despite what he said. Adam let his fingers press into Kyle's back again, keeping him close. "You're great too. And you know... Whatever you want. I'm willing."
Kyle shook his head a little. "It's okay - you don't have to. It was a stupid idea. I wouldn't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, just because you think I want it. I'm happy with whatever you want," Kyle assured him, knowing he would feel the need to cater to Adam for a while now, to help balance out what was clearly his fuck up. The more he was certain that they were passed their fight, the more Kyle would feel that drive to make it up to Adam.
Adam gave Kyle a look. "If you want to I can try something. There's a lot I'm going to be uncomfortable with at first but if you want it I'm willing to try." This wasn't all about by any means.
"It's not important. It's not, like... vital or anything. This isn't something on like some list of new things you're gonna want to try out because you're with a guy. It's more... you're beautiful, Adam. I know you don't see it, but I do. But I only want this if you want it. So, right now, I don't want it," Kyle said, determinedly, his expression set into a stubborn look, edged with a softness, which was all about Adam.
"It's more than just being with a guy. You don't usually jump into...watching when you hook up with someone once." He blushed a little at the compliment shaking his head. "We can try at some point. I already promised you everything."
"You may have promised me everything, but I don't want it, just because you promised. Adam, A, Baby, I don't want anything from you, not if you're not comfortable. Not unless you really, truly want it." He knew what it was, to have someone tell him what he wanted, make him believe he should want it.
"And the moment you call me all three names at once I want to give you all of it. Like right now all of it," Adam chided gently. He let his hands slide around the waistband of Kyle's pants until they were between the two of them. "So let me decide what I want and keep telling me everything you do want."
"I want you to be comfortable," Kyle said, resting his cheek against Adam's. "I want us to be in a place where you don't worry about my motivations. So... maybe we should slow down. Try and get back on track." Which was a really hard thing to suggest with Adam's hands where they were.
"I'm more comfortable doing than talking about it." Though Adam was finding he liked to hear about it. He loved when Kyle told him what he wanted to do. Pulling back so he could see Kyle's face, Adam watched his eyes for a long moment. "I suppose we can. If you think it might help."
"Do you not think it would help?" Kyle asked. He wanted to do the right thing, he just had no idea what that was right now.
Adam was quiet for a moment while he considered his options. "I'm not sure. Yes maybe but resisting you is hard. Or did you forget where we wound up before yesterday went to hell?"
Kyle pulled back and walked a couple of paces away, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I didn't forget," he confirmed. "But, this - all of this. I don't... I don't know what to do for the best here. You're scared that I'm pushing myself to do things. I'm afraid that I'm making you do things you're not comfortable with. You basically told me that you think that maybe I'm using sex to keep you here and maybe that's our problem. The sex. I mean-" He looked over his shoulder at Adam. "-I don't know if I can do it, but it does seem to be the cause of our problems. But - you have another suggestion and God, please tell me."
No. No, no, no. Inwardly Adam panicked as Kyle kept talking hearing what he was saying and not liking the end result. "Don't... God don't do that." He was an idiot for feeling like such a horny teenager but the idea of no sex with Kyle when it was what he thought about close to ninety percent of the time sounded like torture. Like waterboarding might be fun. "Don't say that. I don't...it's no that fucked up is it?"
"I just want to fix this, Adam," Kyle told him. "I want to fix this so it doesn't happen again, only I don't really get why it happened in the first place and so I'm like 'I totally didn't see that how didn't I see that and what if I don't see it next time?' about everything and that's..." Kyle could feel himself getting worked up. Maybe he should go. He took half a step towards the door, then stopped. No, he shouldn't. That would just be an over-dramatic reaction and maybe Adam would see that as manipulation as well. Would it be? Would that be his intention? To, what? Hope Adam came running after him, to get Adam to make everything okay. No, that wouldn't be it, but that's exactly what Adam would do. So, what if Adam concluded that was what Kyle had been trying? No, better to stay. Stay, and breath and don't panic. Kyle worked on calming himself. He'd been doing so well before, he couldn't lose it now.
"It happened because I got worried," Adam said. Kennedy had said some things and Adam had seen the logic in them and he needed to know that it wasn't how it seemed. That was all that had happened, at least for Adam. But Adam did just as Kyle thought he might as Kyle took a step towards the door, reaching out for his arm, pulling him back towards him. "And if I get worried again I'll tell you. That's how we fix it."
Kyle went as he was pulled, resting a hand on Adam's shoulder to steady himself. "But, I don't want you to be worried. Ever. I don't want to do anything that worries you in the first place. I want to be perfect for you, every time," he said, earnestly, looking slightly stressed and worried about the idea that he might not be. Kyle always strived for perfection and was hard on himself when he almost inevitably fell short.
Adam shook his head. "I don't need you to be perfect. I don't expect perfect. I want you to be you. I don't know much but I know that it's never always going to be perfect. If it was we'd be faking it."
Kyle didn't say anything for long moments, then decided that he needed to be honest and tell Adam how he was feeling. If the other man wanted Kyle to be himself, then he needed to know who Kyle was inside. "I know you don't expect me to be perfect, but I do. I always have. I want to be perfect. 'Good' isn't good enough. I have to be the best I can possibly be - and I never am and when I fall short of that, the way I always do, then it just eats me up inside."
Adam hated that for Kyle. He hated that Kyle had those ridiculous expectations for himself that he couldn't live up to. "Okay... So you want that for you but you can't add me into that. Don't do that for me too. I don't expect that for me. I'm gonna like you no matter what. So even if you don't meet your expectations you meet mine."
Kyle stared at him for a moment, then hiccupped a disbelieving laugh. That was so far from anything he'd heard before, he almost wasn't sure he'd heard it right at all. Someone who knew what he was and just... didn't care. Didn't support him in it, but in what was possibly the best possible way. "...Okay," he said with a burgeoning smile. He thought that, maybe, he could actually work with that.
"Good okay?" Adam asked, worried about that laugh and that look and what they meant. Maybe he'd said the wrong thing. He was pretty sure his opinion on the matter wouldn't change but he might have said it the wrong way.
Kyle nodded, gratefully. "Yeah, definitely - good okay. I - I think that might work for me." He'd still beat himself up if he ever hurt Adam, but if it was something fixable, then he could trust in Adam's opinion to help him let things go more easily than he otherwise did.
Adam nodded as well. "Good then. Maybe you'll listen to me at some point too, that perfect is boring." He smiled a little, wrapping his arms around Kyle again. "We okay?"
Kyle settled more into Adam's arms, looping his own round Adam's shoulders. "Perfect isn't boring," he protested, though his tone was light and easy. "Not the way I'd do perfect, anyhow. Perfect can keep you on your toes. I mean, if I make you bored ever, then I'm doing something wrong, aren't I?" he teased, resting his forehead against Adam's. "Just to give you fair warning, though. I'm not going to stop trying to be the best I can for you. I want that for you. You deserve that. As long as you get that, then yeah, I think we're okay."
"Now you're cheating so I'll agree with you," Adam said, shaking his head. "I'm not saying one way or another but maybe I want to be the best for you too, but the best doesn't always mean perfect."
Kyle experienced a moment of panic as he was accused of cheating, but he did his best to let it go. "Do you mind? The cheating? I mean - I mean it. I want you to be happy, and I'd really prefer that you be happy with me. And - I know you want the best for me. You've been pretty damn clear that you want me to be happy as well. That you'll put my happiness before your own and I guess what I'm really saying is that I'm going to be doing that as well. I'm going to be working on making you happy. You're going to be working on making me happy. If we're both successful then - we both win, right?"
Adam was quiet for a moment, then nodded. "I do want you to be happy, but not kill yourself over trying to be something I don't want. Or need. So yes, if we manage to make the other happy like we want I guess we both win. But I'm not giving in on this perfect thing." He sounded stern at the end, as stern as he could get with Kyle, which probably wasn't much.
"You're nothing like I've ever known before, you know that? Everyone I've ever known before has expected me to be perfect. Wanted me to be perfect," Kyle said, looking helplessly at Adam.
Adam just smiled. "Yeah, well I'm not everyone. Duh."
Kyle laughed. "There's the ego I've been looking for," he joked, smiling widely.
"How is that ego? I could have been thinking 'I'm weird as hell so different'," Adam pointed out with a roll of his eyes.
Kyle brushed a kiss over Adam's lips. "But you weren't," he pointed out, confident in that fact.
"Not entirely no," Adam admitted, pulling Kyle closer for more of a kiss.
Kyle eagerly returned the kiss. "Are you starting to vaguely realise the very depths of your awesomeness," Kyle mumbled against his lips, not willing to draw back enough to give space properly, even as he teased the other man.
"No," Adam said, staying close to Kyle. This was fine. They were fine. He didn't need to be worried. Sure, maybe Kennedy was right, he had a right to enjoy being desired but he wanted this, to be desired by Kyle. Even if it meant avoiding Kennedy's attention.
"No?" Kyle questioned, again with a disbelieving laugh. "Then I'm just going to have to keep trying to convince you. You're not the only stubborn one in this relationship, you know," he warned.
"Oh I figured out you were stubborn," Adam teased. "That was hard to miss." He kissed Kyle again then pulled him into a stronger hug, just holding on for a moment.
Kyle didn't even attempt to pull away, instead moulding his body closer to Adam's. "Admit it - you love it."
God damnit Kennedy was right. He was that chick. Falling for the first guy. He closed his eyes, nodding against Kyle's shoulder. "Yeah. I do."
Kyle beamed against the side of Adam's face at the words. He didn't know exactly what it was about this guy. Maybe that he really was so different than everything he was used to. So much more honest so much less likely to play games. Possibly it was just that he'd simply lucked out this time. Whatever it was, the guy was just... so right for him. He would do whatever it took to keep him by his side. Whatever it took.