InsaneJournal

RP: Insecurities and unsent texts
Who: Beau
What: Beau's insecurities keep him awake
When: 25 August 2027
Where: His house
Warnings: None
Completion status: Complete

Beau blinked at the clock beside his bed, the hands faintly glowing in the dark. A little before two o’clock. He would need to be up and ready for an early work call just after six so if he fell asleep now, he might be able to get four hours of sleep…

He screwed his eyes shut. He hated numbers but tonight they were just swimming around in his head. Thoughts were pounding away and keeping him awake. Less than two weeks until he turned 30. Thirteen days. Merlin, how many hours had he been awake? Too many.

“Lumos.” Beau fumbled for his wand, squinting against the bright light. What was the point in trying to sleep?

Lately it felt like every time he fell asleep his dreams were full of intimate encounters. But he couldn’t really enjoy them, not when every memory and fantasy were weighed down with guilt. Guilt over keeping secrets from partners, from friends, from family.

From cheating when his desires got the best of him. From leading people on.

This wasn’t the first time he’d been haunted by these thoughts, but the combination of his recent experience with Nate at Taboo and his upcoming milestone birthday were reinforcing the insecurities that he always carried with him. Would he really be happy living this life another thirty years? That was the question at the centre of every doubt.

Picking up his phone, he opened his photos, scrolling through pictures to distract himself. It worked just enough to settle his thoughts to one thread instead of a tangle. He didn’t regret not coming out when he was a teenager. If he had, he wouldn’t have had the career he did or the relationship with his parents and sister that he valued. Creating a stage name had created friction at home - admitting his sexuality would burn bridges. But now he was getting older. His parents were expecting him to settle down. The roles he was being considered for and getting were different now. If he came out…

Beau didn’t want to finish that thought, but he still found himself switching to the messaging app, thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

What do you think would happen if I just told everyone?

He stared at the words on the screen, sorely tempted to send the message to Nate just to put the question out into the world. A knot of anxiety twisted behind his ribs and he deleted the words. Getting philosophical was not what he needed. Maybe humour?

Can you just imagine the alliterative headlines if people knew I was bi?

This time he didn’t even delete the message, just shut the phone off and tossed it to the other side of the bed.

Four hours and counting until he had to get up.