The most important thing to do, right now, is breathe in life. Do the things that make you think of life, and hope, and everything but death. It wont stop the pain and the sickness, but it will help. Killing hurts, and it's not easy to face. I'm sorry you had to deal with his. I remember...
My first time was not quite disorganized or insane, but it felt just the same, despite the orderly lines, it was no less horrifying. It's hard to face, but if you need to talk... let me know.