|Roy Harper is No One's Sidekick (imnosidekick) wrote in valarnet,|
@ 2013-05-15 05:55:00
[Locked to People In The Know]
I've fought people, I've stabbed them, I've starved on the streets, been shot, lost my arm in an earthquake, had it grown back, learned the truth about what I am in the dreams and wanted to destroy everyone responsible for it, but I'd never killed someone or something HERE before. In the dreams, they aren't supposed to die if we can help it, but to be disarmed and dealt with by the authorities. I don't think I've killed anyone there before even.
But this weekend? This weekend I actually killed. Not just fought off but killed sentient beings. And I had to do it, and I'd proudly do it again because we didn't have a choice and better to defend what we could and stand and fight for it, but...
I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of barely holding it together once everything had ended (and Barton's fiancee did THAT and was amazing and self sacrificing and gorgeously brave and beautiful in that moment, like some kind of avenging angel) and we were brought back to safety, but I really lost it once I was alone and getting a shower.
It's a fact of life and I know I have to get used to it, the same way I had to get used to life with no arm, same way I had to get used to knowing exactly who and what I am, and I'll do it too, because I'm determined and because it's right and I want to keep on doing that right thing, but...Holy Fuck I'm shaking, I threw up and I don't know that I can handle much of anything right now. And I'm not speaking to the person that I'd ask usually, so I can't ask him and more important than me being immature, a really shitty thing's just happened to him and I can't very well bring my shit into it too.
Does anybody have ideas?