Enjolras isn't a statue, really (solo_patria) wrote in valarnet, @ 2013-03-26 14:20:00 |
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Current mood: | confused |
I've started looking forward to the dreams more than anything else. They make me feel safe in some strange way, like there is a place I can handle things, and as psychologically unsound as this sounds, a place where I belong, because things make sense to me, and I know what I am doing there. Obviously, I'm using them as some kind of a crutch and it is becoming an issue that I am pretty sure people who have been over lately have started to notice.
How do you move out of the dream world when it is so much...not better, it isn't better there at all, it's absolutely horrible in many ways for the majority of the people there, the poor are starving and dying, women subjugated, and there is no plumbing and I do terrible things there, pardon the super run-on sentence, I'm too lazy to even START to parse it for where to put the semicolons right now and if my editor saw this, she would bitch at me, but at least in that world, I feel as if I understand things, as if I can navigate it better than I can here.
This isn't the thing that happened a few months ago, where I was barely recognizing this century aside from the automatic functions that I carried out mechanically, and scaring my professors, and apparently friends, but it is a thing where... I am out of control here and know it. I am only in control of anything in that other world, and sometimes I'll be in the office, working, and catch myself considering the best of ways to stack the desks if I needed a barricade. Or I'll look up from whatever it is I'm doing and start remembering I have more important work to do than sit in class, or wander around the pet store, or be out at the cafe when there is so much more to be done.
That said, I think it's time that I find something else to do here than the literacy drive I'm getting off the ground, and the food pantry donation sorting on the weekends. Those are helpful, maybe, but they're the kind of helpful ANYBODY could do, and I feel like I'd be more successful maybe? If I found something more tailored to who and what I am?
That's part of why I hope that internship comes through. I'd be doing more specific, helpful work if I got it, but it's not the only place to look. I simply...
I don't belong here anymore. I don't belong here and I can't stand being here, not because I think the other world is better, but because I know what to do with it, and...I'm not afraid there. There's a routine, and a way to do things that I have down to a science and I don't have to be terrified or incomplete. It's a strange, strange feeling I suppose...
All of those things said, bits of some of my dreams are getting new and interesting details that I did not pick up on the first time through. Is it just me, or Grantaire, is dream you a little bit obsessed with me?