Rey pushed open the front door to the Dameron Ranch, with the sun already shining high above her outside, before bending down to release the latch from the leash that was attached to Pilot's collar. Immediately, he ran off, presumably in search of Finn since he'd just had his daily morning run with Rey. She twisted, hanging the leash up on a hook near the door, before shutting the door behind her and bringing her hands up to snatch up messy portions of her hair. The heat index was already getting a temperature that most found uncomfortable but made her feel oddly at peace. It was something she was accustomed to and used to. It was the cold and harsh temperatures of winter in other regions that made her uncomfortable. Twisting her now damp hair up into a loose bun, she brought her arm across her build, stretching it out as she walked in the direction of her room. It was still fairly early even though she'd been awake for hours now per her own routine. Once in her room, she snatched up an outfit to wear for the actual day, instead of what she wore when she'd run in the morning, before heading off for a shower.
A hour later and she had made her way back out the door of Dameron Ranch, making her way into town. It was beginning to come more to life as each hour ticked by. There was slight nods to those who she passed by but, per usual, she largely kept to herself. Soon enough, she was in front of Doose's Market, making her way in to see what called out to her that morning. Since it was a weekend, she didn't feel a need to hurry and make her way to the airfield. She would likely still end up there but it didn't feel as pressing to arrive by a certain point in the day. Her purchases were small and quick, just a small loaf of bread and a bag of berries, and once she had them she headed outside the market to take a seat on the edge of concrete wall that was near the entrance. Her legs crossed and she pulled a portion of the bread out from the paper bag, tearing it off savagely, and immediately taking a bit from the portion she'd grabbed. Mindlessly, she pulled out her phone, and flicked on the network, focusing her attention there as she ate her breakfast out in the sun.
Kylo had a coffee in his hand as he rounded the corner, and he stopped upon seeing Rey there. They hadn't spoken much since the memories they'd both received and he hadn't been certain how to proceed. It wasn't her responsibility to help him, really, and she had no interest in doing so probably. And did he even need help - in so many words? These were the conversations that had run around, as he'd tried to deal with the uncomfortable realization of not knowing how he could have done differently.
The conclusions he'd come to was that there was a time, probably when he could have come back, a poignant moment, where he'd made a choice he permanently regretted, but it was a door, a hand offered, that could have been taken, and now…?
He lingered, uncertain, and finally he decided acknowledging her wasn't a problem. If she was cool or uninterested in any way, then he'd go on and leave her be. Even with the decision made though, there was a second where he opened his mouth and it was difficult to say much of anything. He pushed through it. "Good morning, Rey."
Her gaze was pulled from the phone even before he'd finished speaking. She'd recognized his voice with the first word, and her eyes had lifted to look upon him, as the rest of her sense caught up to her. She was holding a piece of the bread in her hand, off to the side, while her other hand clutched the phone and her thumb rested just above the screen. There was a moments hesitation but there wasn't any coolness displayed as had been the prior norm. Unless they were in a dire situation, where they could put aside their history and focus on the betterment of the community, she'd largely kept away from him in the past.
But with the memories, that wasn't quite what she intended for now. There'd been a period where she wanted to reach out, especially in those immediate hours, to make it clear she'd broken the connection out of a desire for boundaries and to attempt a genuine conversation between them both in their new lives and circumstances. She hadn't followed through and now days and weeks had passed. Still, the coolness didn't come and instead her expression morphed from being caught mildly off guard to at least hospitable. She set the bread down and let her phone drop to rest against her thigh, both hands now moving to rest behind her back so she could lean against her arms. "Morning, Ben."
She hesitated for a moment, taking in the full view of him for a moment, with the coffee cup in hand. She wasn't sure if he had somewhere to be or not. Another moment passed before, "You going in there?" She nudged her head in the direction of the market.
So it wasn't hostility or even really coolness. Kylo could see that easily enough, so he didn't move on, and instead glanced towards the market she'd nodded towards.
"I - no." He responded. "More just passing through, I saw you I thought -" he would say hello, something to acknowledge her, since there had been quite a bit that still swam through his memory. Including her tendency to call him Ben. It was something he was used to from his parents now, but it still left him with the unsettled feeling of not knowing precisely who he was.
"You've been in there obviously," he noted the bread and the berries, and he lifted the coffee. "I have coffee, and I had a pastry earlier."
But it wasn't really saying much to say that. Obviously she had been there, obviously he had a coffee. He shook his head, impatient with his own word choices and looked back up at her.
"How have you been?" It felt like a ridiculous question on one level - small talk-y and the sort of thing she could easily say 'fine' to, but the memories had felt like a lot. So, maybe there was the possibility that she'd have more to say.
He didn't finish his train of thought before adding: "I mean, with the - have you told my mother you've gotten them?"
Her eyes shifted, glancing off in the direction he was presumably heading before he'd spotted her, and she had a few moments of trying to imagine where he might end up. Even with the town rearranged, they'd been here long enough since the Cruise to get most of their bearings, so she had a general idea of what was off in that direction. Her gaze shifted back to him and she raised both eyebrows at the obviousness of the statement, her head giving one small nod along with the words to acknowledge them. Yes. He did have coffee.
His question, however, made her expression soften and she gave an ideal, reactionary shrug of her shoulders. What purpose was there in talking about how she'd been since their last encounter?
Except, there was one point where she had begun to feel rather comfortable with the idea of telling him how she was, even if that point had come to an end. She drew in a breath. "I'm fine," she said, even though she knew that he knew that wasn't likely true.
Her eyes cast down and she brought her arms back around to fold in her lap, hands clutching together, before shaking her head. "No, I've not told Leia." She hadn't even really told anyone. Finn and Poe might have suspected given how she'd come out and laid her head against Finn once she'd severed the connection with Ben. "I almost told Han," she then admitted, before looking up at Ben. "I was trying to see if Chewie was further along or not." She paused. "I stopped myself."
“I told them,” he blurted out, uncertain if that was a good thing of not. “I’m trying to-“ he stopped. To communicate. It was something he didn’t feel that he had done well. To be honest he didn’t always feel his family had done it very well but Eliot had taught him some things and maybe he’d do better. After a couple of heartbeats he realized he should likely add: “I didn’t mention you.”
He didn’t know exactly what to say about that. His mother had said it complicated things while his father had just asked him for a walk and when he spent too much time thinking about it he tended to have his mind end up in a place that wasn’t ideal. It was a whirl of where he was at home and who he was here and everything in between.
“So. I mean you can talk about me having gotten them if you want. My mother has lived it. They just don’t know about you. I didn’t tell my dad everything that happened either.”
Rey's expression froze for a moment. He 'told' them could mean any number of things that had happened. Or it could just mean that he had mentioned his memories.
His clarification that they didn't know about her also could be taken two ways. Either they didn't know about the connection or he hadn't told that she also got memories. If he had told them, well, she didn't think they wouldn't know about the connection by now. It was the only way to really explain why he would know what was going on with Rey.
Shifting, she slid off the wall and snatched up her purchases, stuffing them into the bag. And then she moved in his direction, coming up beside him, looking up at him. "Every time I've told your parents things that wasn't mine to tell, it has ended badly for me." She explained, as she gazed upon him. "I don't know how to tell them anything I know now. It's all wrapped up in stories that shouldn't come from me."
Han had seemed upset when she mentioned Luke wouldn't return. How was she supposed to explain that the Jedi master was hiding on purpose? Han had told her he went into exile after Ben's fall to the dark side, but she didn't think Han knew the full extent of it. Sighing, she glanced off down the road. "Where are you heading?"
It wasn’t that he could sense her confusion exactly, she was more closed off than she’d been before and he was trying not to pry but he could see that there was some there. And then she seemed frustrated. His gaze flickered at the explanation and then the sigh. For a moment he just watched her intensely and then he nodded. “Same way as you, if you’re going that way.”
That felt like an invitation of sorts didn’t it? Unless she didn’t want to walk with him, and maybe she didn’t.
“I just told them I got memories,” this came blurting out as he looked over at her. “I talked to mother about… the fleet. About who I was here.” There was a heartbeat as he hesitated. Afraid of saying what he kept thinking. But maybe if anyone would understand it was Rey? Or if she didn’t, he could handle that because they had always seen things differently. “Something shifted. The course here it’s changed and I can see…” he swallowed. “I can see places where the path wasn’t the right one, but I don’t see an alternative that ends better.” And there was another slight pause as he added, words barely there. “Maybe if I’d gone with dad. But after?”
"I was intending to go to the airfield. I do not have to," she paused for a moment before adding, "though you are welcome to come should you want to."
That made sense and was actually far more thoughtful of her than she might have expected previously. She wasn't sure as for now. She knew he at least would give her consideration so perhaps it made sense. "I tried to tell Han more but it began to feel like a bad idea."
Rey began to walk forward and away from the market. "It was easy to tell you weren't the same person here before we had the memories," she stated. This had been confusing for her for nearly her entire time in this universe. It made more sense now given what she knew. "What did Leia have to say?" She asked, glancing for a moment toward him.
"I think any immediate period of time after a potential change of course was not going to be a pleasant experience. It would take awhile to be better but I think it might have been." He had to deal with the consequences of his actions and that would not have been an easy journey. "Your Mother would have a better idea of what may have happened after in that case. She asked for him to bring you back, after all."
Kylo didn't need to go to the airfield, but, "I'll walk with you for a bit."
The words didn't come easily, because the emotion was still so mixed. He'd tried to tell Eliot some of it, and he got tied up in trying to explain things. It wasn't just the things that he was always afraid would end up being the thing that would push Eliot away - even if there was literally no evidence that this would happen - it was the difficulty inherent in even sharing the thing in the first place.
"She said it complicated things," he responded flatly. "I told her I didn't see that it complicated them more than they were before. But I might have been wrong about that," he admitted. "I think we… came to a bit of an understanding."
The question of home was complicated, and while he listened to Rey's words, he couldn't necessarily internalize the notion that it might have been better. It was difficult for him to imagine any world where he wasn't court marshalled or something. Even with his mother alive to speak for him. "I thought mother was dead," he told Rey softly. "I'd felt her on the bridge. I guess I was so focused on other things, I didn't sense her waking up again."
She didn't give a response to him walking with her outside of a nod of agreement.
"How did she mean it, do you think?" She didn't want to offer up an assumption here even though she certainly had one. He knew his Mother better than she did anyway. But she gave a nod. "An understanding is better than nothing."
She gazed towards him for a moment, with a frown, at the statement about his belief. Then she cast her gaze forward again. She hadn't known Leia was in trouble and Luke hadn't told her one way or another. Perhaps Luke hadn't known. It wasn't as if he was terribly into sharing. But when she returned to the fleet, in her attempt to find Kylo, she had felt Leia's presence. There'd been no concern for her well being on Rey's end.
"Wasn't that always a goal? Not from you, perhaps, but from those you aligned yourself with? The First Order?"
"I-" Kylo frowned and stuffed his hand in his pocket, the one that wasn't carrying the coffee. For a moment he was silent, brows furrowed together over his eyes, and his gaze stayed on the ground in front of him. It drives a wedge. "She'd lived those things," he finally spoke, slowly, measuring each word out. "And I think because I hadn't, she was trying to think they wouldn't happen, or that because I hadn't experienced them, there was more…" light wasn't the right word, but maybe it was exactly the right word. "Hope. I guess."
He didn't know how to really wrap around the next piece either, so he sighed. "I think she was afraid it would change things. I don't know exactly, but we have here. And just because I remember those things, doesn't mean I don't also remember here. And this. I told her that I wanted something different here."
There was a heartbeat as he lifted the coffee to his lips. "Being different here doesn't feel impossible."
Rey caught the movement but willed her gaze to remain ahead of her. She hadn't actually been aiming at any discomfort when she had spoke the question. She moved to pull the bottle of water from her bag and uncapped it, taking a drink as she let him come up with his response. She placed the cap back on and let the bottle hang in her palm down by her side. "Or she was trying to be fair to you," she suggested with a shrug of her shoulders. "Possibly and, actually," she added after a moment.
She now turned her gaze back in his direction. "I would say she was trying to keep in mind that until you experienced those events, she couldn't let them affect her interactions with you." It was a lesson Rey had learned the hard way in her early days away from her galaxy. She'd tried to foster in a relationship based on events she'd experienced but others hadn't. It hadn't worked well for her. This wasn't exactly the same but she could see how Leia was trying not to let any potential shift in her relationship with her son occur based on memories he didn't have. Until now. "She's still talking to you though, isn't she? That's the understanding?"
As for here, she nodded her head. "We aren't the same here as we are there," she agreed, quietly, before raising an eyebrow. "Do you think that is because you had no choice here? Or because you wanted to be?"
"Are you explaining my own mother to me?" He retorted, but the words lacked malice, and he punctuated them with a sigh. She was right after all, or at least from what he could recall of the conversation now, and what Leia said, it felt true. "She is still talking to me," he looked over and nodded. "This isn't home."
It wasn't home. He was different here, whatever the reason, and he was tempted to tell Rey that it was immaterial, but he knew she wouldn't buy that, and if he knew equally that if he were being honest he didn't buy it either. It did matter. His intentions mattered. He would argue it the other way, too, that he had intended different things than what others might have attributed to him, and that it mattered. He drew in a breath. "My intention when I arrived here was to leave everyone alone. Hux wasn't here and I didn't want to be here, and I hadn't stayed long when I came the first time so what was the point?"
It had been painful too initially. With a Leia and a Han that were his own age or younger and had no memory of him. And he hadn't wanted them to learn who he was, there'd been shame. He supposed that was part of the answer wasn't it? He hadn't wanted to be who he had been - someone who had killed his father and for a reason that in the aftermath felt as if it had been flimsy and manipulated.
He stared off into the distance in front of them, quiet as he continued walking.
"I didn't want to be who I had been. I didn't want them to know who I had been. Which," he waved a hand, "didn't really work out as most people know who I have been, but sometimes I meet the people who don't, and I get to be something different, and it's nice." And while he wasn't directly referring to Eliot, Eliot had been the first, and the most formative. Eliot had accepted him as someone like himself, and Kylo had found the first friend he'd had in a very long time. He shrugged.
She gave him a side eye with the retort but she didn't try to say anything back in response. She was talking through and making her own deductions on what he'd offered up. "I just know that's what I learned to do," she said with a shrug of her shoulders before casting her gaze back ahead of them again.
She hadn't actually known he had been here prior to this current time. It wasn't as though they'd been at a point to be willing to speak to one another about such things back then and there'd been no reason for it to come up as of yet. It didn't surprise her that he'd not remained long the first time. He hadn't remained long in Chicago, either. She drew in a breath. "I got to that point," she said, quietly, "Where I just was waiting to be sent home. But I'd been where I was for well over a year by then and it didn't happen. I just moved to here."
It was impossible to hide who you were among the Displaced, especially given their original universe. "I noticed you were trying to be someone different here," she offered up, because she had. It had confused her for ages. "It makes sense now, given everything," she added after a moment.
He turned to look at her, gaze flickering over her face. He wasn't certain exactly what she meant by that. He supposed maybe there was something in what had happened at home. They did, perhaps, know each other better now because of those things than they ever had prior to that. He'd tried, but every attempt had been rebuffed. And then she'd tried, and he supposed he'd discarded her attempt. But that was there, and this was here, and he didn't want to be enemies here.
He hadn't wanted it at home either.
But here it felt possible to be different.
Here they could maybe be something besides enemies, or people on the wrong side of a line that Kylo wasn't certain he'd really wanted to draw.
After a moment, he blurted out: "I got Ben's lightsaber."
Her head turned to his direction almost in immediate response to what he had blurted out. It wasn't that the sudden appearance of an object was surprising. She'd been gifted something from the portal in the last go round herself. It was just that she was surprised that had been given to him.
Of course, her own gift felt like the portal trying to guide her back to what she had once been so actively pursuing. Her interest in the Jedi and how to understand this power that had woken inside her had waned with years of disappointment. It wasn't gone completely but she had stopped reaching out for help or seeking education from available avenues. Her gift felt like someone was saying, 'Get back on track.'
"I thought your current one was the same, only that you ---" she was going to say 'ruined' it but found that to be too negative of an insinuation, "--- altered it."
He looked over at her. "You have my grandfather's lightsaber, and he has his lightsaber, so explain that if you will."
But that was snippish, and perhaps less welcoming of conversation than he truly wanted to be. He pulled in a breath and stared off into space. "I got these memories, and then I got that. It's as if… the universe is trying to tell me things, but I don't know what, exactly. I don't want to be a Jedi now. Ben's weapon is a Jedi weapon. But I don't want to be who I've been either. And I don't know why I'm telling you this, except that you're the only person who knows all of what happened."
That was true. Only, her point had been more that she thought of the lightsaber he carried typically as Ben's lightsaber. "He doesn't have two of the same," she responded, circling more around her point, but without returning the snap.
"Maybe it is saying you need to acknowledge the past." As for the Universe trying to tell him something, wasn't that the belief she had come to in her own situation?
She drew in a breath. "I think it is telling me I need to focus again," she offered up. "The Universe. It gave me something I took from Luke."
He looked over at her, eyes flickered as if he were considering something, and then he nodded. "Oddly enough, I'd come to a similar conclusion," he replied softly. "It was one of the things I felt like mother and I disagreed on. But I think I'm right. I think she wanted to ignore what happened at home, forget it, but I think it's important, and I need to work through it."
He raised an eyebrow, and hesitated. Did he ask? Not ask? Luke was a subject he didn't really want to dive into, but maybe this had nothing to do with him really. "Focus how?" he finally vocalized.
Knowing Leia had a disagreement on the subject made her pause, largely because she tended to take stock in Leia's views. For a moment she considered asking Leia what it was she actually thought on the matter, once she was out of Ben's company, but she wasn't sure if she would follow through. After all, she had just said how it ended badly for her when she told stories that weren't hers to tell. But ignoring things didn't help anyone. She sighed. "I hope you do, Ben."
As complicated as things were between them, this was true. She wanted him to continue on his new path. She just wished this path had been taken back home.
"Learning about who I am and what I can do," she said, simply. She now had memories of time spent training on Ahch-to but by and large that had been solely on her own. Luke hadn't shaken out to be the Master she had dreamed of meeting for two years. "He found the sacred Jedi texts. I took them when I left him to come to you. And they have crossed universes to find me."
There was a moment of feeling somewhat rankled, but it passed quickly enough because he didn't sense that Rey meant anything other than what she had just said. She genuinely did hope that he worked through it. There was that wondering if he worked through it on his terms if it would be enough for her. But he supposed time would tell that.
He raised an eyebrow. It was the sort of thing that at one point he would have understood the significance of those texts. And under Snoke, he would have sought to destroy them, perhaps, but right now. Now.
"Have you looked at them?" His gaze was cautious, the question cautious also.
"No." They'd come too soon after the wave of memory. They were meant to give her guidance and understanding back home; in a way that Luke had refused her. She had decided she'd continue on without him.
And they felt like a reminder of that decision and her ability to do so.
"I plan too," she added after a moment.
"Of course," his gaze flickered. He didn't know that he wanted to look at them, although there was an urge to ask if he could. But he wasn't a Jedi. He had no intention of ever being a Jedi so what was the point of it?
"If you ever want company," he shrugged. "I'm a not a Jedi," he added, perhaps too defensively. "But I've had more training than you have." Which was perhaps not entirely true either, the fact that she was as strong as she was, well, also neither here nor there. She wasn't likely to want to do anything with him, so it was all just pointless talk.
She raised an eyebrow with the comment, trying to read what he'd meant from the words and the tone. Did it bother him that she planned to? She couldn't tell.
Then she rolled her eyes. He wasn't a Jedi. And he did have more training, but when it came down to the wire, had it mattered? Her desire to learn, from every previous attempt with a Master, hadn't been from wanting to become stronger. She'd wanted understanding and he'd left the Jedi behind. He couldn't give her that. "Training doesn't matter in relation to company," she retorted. She drew in a breath, "And if you want to see them, just say so."
But, the truth was, company was something she did want. And maybe it would be helpful for them both. He was trying here, after all. Still, she wasn't going to offer it. If he wanted to, he could say so.
He pressed his lips together irritated, but not offended to the point of pushing her away. As it turned out, there weren't many other people he'd feel comfortable talking to about any of this. He was where he was, and Rey, if sometimes obnoxiously hopeful and upbeat and persistent, was at least understanding of where he'd been. Outside of anyone else he could think of, she was perhaps the most comfortable possible person to do any further exploration with.
"If you don't want me to continue to stay away," he shrugged. "I wouldn't mind looking at them. Maybe Luke taught everything wrong."
She gave a small smirk in response to his reaction. She didn't shy away from him being irritated and instead, at least in this moment, found mild amusement in it. She shifted, raising the water bottle back up and uncapping it so she could finish it off.
"I didn't say you needed to stay away," she corrected him. She'd wanted to have the connection severed. She didn't want him just being able to access her at any moment. But she was far more willing to talk to him these days than she was in the past. As was evident, really, but the fact she was by his side right now. "If he did, your training would be useless, wouldn't it?" She said with a continued smirk in his direction.
Kylo looked over at her and then after a moment his lips pulled up in a smirk. "I'm not talking about the mechanics." And he wasn't. Obviously that part worked. But there were other things that felt as if they'd broken. Either because of Luke or in spite of him… that was what Kylo couldn't be certain of.
"You could come over sometime," he told her. "To the cottage if you want."
There was a glint of amusement in her eye as she nodded in response. She suspected it was the philosphy of the lessons that was being brought into question, but she'd still enjoyed giving him a hard time over his own words. Then she pulled in a breath and nodded her head.
"Perhaps I will."