log; seradaar WHO: Seradaar WHEN: Early morning April 22nd WHERE: Their room WHAT: Adaar comes back after the Lucifer thing and talks to Sera about her decision to resign. WARNING(S): Vague shirtlessness? Eh.
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There were times like this when Sera couldn't just sit still and wait.
Asala had told her to. Asala had told her to stay inside, to not follow her under any circumstances. They were trapping the demon tonight, and Asala didn't want her hurt.
Sera had fought her. It had been an argument, the sort of screaming that came when Sera got scared. If this thing was so scary, why was Asala going alone? If this thing was really as bad as it sounded, backup was good. Backup was needed.
She'd lost the fight, because Asala had begged her not to follow for the sake of her own life. This wasn't their fight, she said — then why was Asala fighting it? Why was everything Asala's business? Why did she have to take everyone else's shit on herself, make herself miserable and put herself in danger?
She waited on their bed, her arms hugged against her chest. The mountain shook and lights flickered, and Sera closed her eyes and prayed to Andraste, then the Pod God. It was even worse when it was silent and everything went back to normal, the minutes ticking by with nothing happening at all.
Asala didn’t come straight home. Instead, her first order of business was to visit Dorian. The anchor had been damaged or altered somehow, possibly by the magic that had forced her to change her very species and took away all of her powers, and it was by sheer luck that it had worked the two times it had needed to to lock Lucifer away. But the mark was quiet now, would probably remain so as long as she didn’t use it, and she and Dorian had an agreement to meet in the morning about going ahead and taking the damn thing out.
When she made it home, she looked a little disheveled, but not hurt. She was quick to ditch her boots and her jacket by the door before immediately crawling into bed, snuggling up to Sera before her wife had the chance to start yelling.
"You — hey, you…" Sera didn't yell. She wrapped her arms around her wife, pulling her in close and running her fingers over Asala's horns. She wouldn't admit to being scared, wouldn't admit to crying, but her eyes were red and her face was all splotchy and she was just so grateful to see Asala again.
"It's over, yeah?"
Asala dragged over a pillow and jammed it under her head so she could rest it in Sera’s lap without stabbing her in the thighs. “It’s over. Everybody lived. Everybody’s happy — except the devil, obviously. There wasn’t much to watch.”
Sera breathed a sigh of relief, even if the answer wasn't satisfying. "That's it? The demon just rolled over and took it? Didn't put up a fight? The whole place was shaking, Shiny."
“There was a fight, just not one I was involved in. I was just there to open and shut the door.” She actually sounded relieved. It was nice not to be a lynchpin for once. “I’m sorry I wasn’t home earlier. Something went wrong with the anchor; I had to stop by Dorian’s first. —It’s fine for now,” she added, holding up her hand so that Sera could see that it wasn’t active or glowing. “But I think it’s time we knuckled down on getting rid of it.”
Sera frowned, taking Asala's hand and spreading open her fingers so she could look at her palm. "What do you mean something's wrong with it?" she asked, alarmed.
She knew that they had a limited time with the mark on Asala's hand. She knew from her own memories what it would do when it started to spread and the damage became completely overwhelming. She knew that if they didn't find a way to get rid of it, she'd lose her arm — and she'd already lost one here already. She couldn't lose another. "What happened?"
“I don’t know. I opened up a rift and it was like being kicked by a horse. It just didn’t want to work anymore. I could barely open up another to get them out of the Fade.” Asala frowned, letting Sera look her over. “It hurts, but it doesn’t hurt the way it did back home. It’s not pulsing the same way, but it’s still not working.”
Sera didn't know what she was looking for, but her hand felt weird. Weirder than usual, but she didn't have the words for it. Something felt wrong. It gave her the jeebies. "So, what do we do? Dorian fixes it? Figures out how to make it stop without you losing your arm?" That was a lot of pressure to put on Dorian, and it all seemed like such an impossibility that it made her angry.
She let go of Asala's hand to run her own hands over her face. "I'm so sick of this shit."
“I know. Me, too.” Asala shifted her weight, snuggling into Sera’s lap. She’d seemed tired ever since coming back from Storybrooke, with a limited interest in getting out of bed unless it was to see people she actually wanted to be around.
After a silence, she added, “I’m quitting, by the way. The Councilor thing.”
Sera blinked, and peeked through her fingers. "What d'you mean, you're quitting?"
“I’m resigning. People seem perpetually unsatisfied anytime I speak to them in any official way, and I’m tired.” Rolling over onto her back so that she could see Sera’s face, she added, “It’s not that I expected it to be easy. I don’t need unconditional worship, by any means, but if the reaction is so negative anytime I speak, then I think it’s smart to take the hint. They made a mistake by electing me, if they’re going to hate everything I told them I was when I was running.”
Sera leaned back on her hands, her expression carefully neutral. Asala had wanted this more than anything. She'd campaigned for it, she'd gotten a bunch of strangers to vote for her and believe in her, and she'd led this community for a year. She didn't have any of the Herald stuff, nobody thought she was touched or blessed, but she still came in and led people anyway.
And Sera had hated it every step of the way. Asala had gone behind her back to start campaigning, knowing that Sera would have said it was stupid, and Asala had made it clear that she didn't care what Sera's opinions were, even if they were partners and Asala's leadership role was going to affect them. They'd fought mercilessly, over and over, when Asala's priorities for the community had come before their lives as partners, and Asala kept giving up pieces of herself — literally — while Sera felt they should have been done with this with the end of the Inquisition. Here, they had a chance to just be people, Asala had a chance to be no one special, and she'd gone after power.
Was she a good leader? Yes. That didn't mean she had to do it.
But it had meant everything to Asala, even if it hurt Sera, and so Sera kept her mouth shut for once.
Asala let out a long breath, watching the ceiling. Ever since deciding she wanted to quit, she’d felt calmer. Not necessarily better, certainly not less tired, but more at ease. “You were right,” she added. “It didn’t need to be me. I feel like this place is pulling me apart, and putting myself in that kind of position is just helping it hurt me. I haven’t let myself stop and think just about myself for a long time, but this spell that Emma Swan cast, this…” She trailed off and swallowed hard. “I close my eyes and I can’t tell if I’m seeing the Conclave explosion again or the memories I got of my mark killing me or the fake memories of the bomb in that made up place. They’re all just blending together, and it feels like the world is trying to tear me up.”
"Well. Good." Sera sniffed, wiping at her nose. "Good. They just tear at you anyway, no matter what you say. You don't owe them. If they want to lead, they can go ahead and frigging do it."
“I just want to be with you, and my other friends,” Asala said, rubbing at her eye with the heel of her left hand. “I want to start a family, and I want to be unimportant. I’m tired and I’m so fucking sick of having to care about everyone. I should have listened to you a year ago, now I just want people to stop caring what I think so I can live my own life and deal with my own shit.”
Sera glanced away. It was hard to say I told you so when Asala was so wrung out and tired, when she was so beaten down by everything. "Yeah, you should have," she muttered. She bit at a hangnail on her thumb. "Sometimes these words that come out of my mouth, sometimes? They're not so stupid."
“They’re usually not.” Asala forced herself to sit up, though only so she could take her shirt off. “I’m exhausted. I’m not getting up early tomorrow. I’ll work on my resignation letter whenever, but I’d just like to curl up in bed and be with you.”
"Good." Sera kicked off her shoes and scooted to the edge of the bed to undress, because she'd dressed for battle just in case Asala had asked for her help. Her expression was hard to read. She was grateful for Asala to resign, but she still seemed upset.
She didn't necessarily trust that Asala meant what she said. She didn't know if Asala was quitting because she was angry or because she really believed that Sera was right. Sera had been waiting for years for Asala to put her first, and had resigned herself to coming after everyone else just because she loved her so frigging much and because some days, she thought so little of herself that other people being more important just seemed like a foregone conclusion.
They were done with the Inquisition, then came this. What happened when the next thing came along?
With most of her clothes left on the floor, Asala slipped underneath the covers, leaving a big empty space at her side for Sera. “What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happier.”
"Not when you're unhappy. Seeing you frown doesn't make me smile." Sera kicked off her shoes. "And I…"
She looked away, scratching the back of her neck as she tried to articulate what was in her head. "Is it for me? It's not for me."
“I … am going to need you to clarify what you’re asking.” Asala was usually good at following Sera, but she always tried to make it sound as neutral as possible when she did have to ask.
Sera wasn't stupid, but sometimes her thoughts go all jumbled up, and when she tried to explain stuff as simply as possible it just never came out right. "Are you doing it because you're mad, or because I'm right?" she asked, glancing back at her. "Are you going to resent me for wanting you to just focus on us? You, and me, none of this big hat stuff."
“Do I seem mad right now? I’ve had time to calm down and think it over.” Reaching back, Asala tugged the tie out of her hair so she could shake out her braid. “I’ll still be high up in the military, but unless we have big battles every week, I’ll have the time with you I want.”
"I just want…" Sera huffed, taking a moment to shake her head like she was clearing out all her thoughts. She'd been out of sorts since Asala disappeared, and having her back was only reminding her that Asala could disappear any day. Those kinds of things didn't settle well with her. She had dreams about Asala dying and took them like they were real.
"I don't want to fight anymore," she said, tossing up her hands. "I want you, here, not going anywhere, caring about what I think, and…"
She sniffed, glancing back at Asala. "You're really doing it. You're giving it up."
Asala pushed herself up and crawled over, wrapping an arm around Sera from behind and kissing her shoulder. “I knew I wanted to days ago. I even gave Logan a head’s up. I was doing it for us, but it was still out of anger, even if I was trying not to show it. Then tonight happened, and all these people came together — even though something they were all afraid of might kill them on a whim — and I realized that I don’t spend enough time with any of you, especially not with you you.” She rested her chin on Sera’s shoulder and let out a breath. “Castiel nearly died trying to crawl his way back into the world so he and his lover could be together, and there was something so vital missing in Dean until it was all over. And I thought, how ungrateful am I to take for granted what they’re fighting to keep? Or just to have? Not to make it about me, we’re in different situations, but we could have been separated forever. I could’ve been stuck in a made-up hellhole trying to separate from a man and never knowing that you even existed. No job is ever going to be more important than not wasting the time I have with you, Sera.”
Sera turned, twisting her body around so she could kiss Asala hard on the mouth. She cradled Asala's jaw in her hand, kissing her until she was breathless and trying to twist around more to get to more of her. "Come here, you." She kissed to hide the fact she was crying, because she didn't like being sad, and because she wasn't sad, not really. She just had so many feelings that they had to spill out as tears.
"Don't ever leave me again. Don't you go anywhere."
“I won’t,” Asala said, her hand tight on the back of Sera’s neck, keeping her close. “I promise I won’t.”