ivylady (ivylady) wrote in snape_potter, @ 2007-09-22 14:13:00 |
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Current music: | Good Eats |
Entry tags: | ficlet, ivylady, rating: r |
Birthday Crack Fic--Love and Marriage
Title - Love and Marriage
Author - ivylady
Rating - R
Characters/Pairings - Severus/Harry
Word Count - 1,390
Warnings - Fellatio, rimming, addiction (in a funny way)
Betas - Many thanks to the wonderful sweetmelodykiss who calmed my paranoia and and read through various versions of this travesty. Also thanks to torino10154 who read through the last version and let me know it was funny. I hope everyone else thinks so as well.
Summary - Severus and Harry get married in the States. Somewhat of a sequel to my previous story, "Road Trip" found here, but can be read alone.
Author's notes - A most wonderful birthday gift to the most lovely Supreme Authoress of Funny Smut, the_con_cept, from one of her lowly minions. I humbly present my offering of a cracked out songfic (sorta) in the hopes that it brings some humor to your day. Happy Birthday, dear.
Severus had no idea how he got himself into such a situation, but that was the story of his life. As a youth, he joined the Death Eater movement in a moment of weakness—Lucius gave exquisite blow jobs back then and had sucked out Severus’s brains before a meeting of “like-minded individuals who will appreciate your talents.” He’d pledged his soul to a massacring megalomaniac, but he was only too happy to get a repeat performance from Malfoy. That was his story and he was sticking to it. Charismatic bastard, Lucius always knew how to play people to get what he wanted.
As an adult, he’d agreed to spy for Dumbledore—not the Order because he could give a hippogriff’s arse about them and their Gryffindorish ideas of equality—at great personal risk to himself because the old man knew his weakness for fine chocolate. Albus sent him several expensive boxes of Belgium dark every week, and Severus gorged himself until he was willing to do anything to keep the supply coming. Albus was a sneaky bastard when he needed to be.
Now, as he was about to walk down the aisle dressed like a tie-dyed house elf in his aquamarine tuxedo with a red dress shirt to some insipid pop drivel with a wobbling Harry Potter at his side, he knew he was doomed. At least he had an excellent excuse. The Potter brat had found out his weaknesses and used them to his advantage. If Severus hadn’t been in such a sexual haze, he would have been impressed at Potter’s cunning. Having spent the last week licking Belgian chocolate off a naked Harry Potter before having the best fellatio of his life, Severus couldn’t be arsed to care. His mind was too busy trying to appease Potter and his body was too busy trying to rise to the occasion. Harry was a sly bastard when he had a goal in sight.
With his debilitating addiction to mind-blowing fellatio and fine chocolate, it was unsurprising that Severus found himself getting married in a tacky Muggle wedding chapel with a drunken Elvis—singing Sinatra, no less—officiating. It could be worse—Harry had wanted the fake mermaid to perform their vows, but a quick bit of persuasion (rimming) on Severus’s part changed his mind. After a harrowing encounter with the Giant Squid and the Mer people in the Hogwarts lake, Severus had no desire to be anywhere near a mermaid, real or otherwise. The hasty, public encounter was a small price to pay, even if it had meant that Severus was once again on his knees before a powerful wizard in a filthy bathroom and could still taste Harry on his tongue. There were worse things that could be on his lips than essence of Potter, he reminded himself with a shudder.
Drunken Elvis finished his first song, and beckoned toward the happy couple as he started a new one.
Love and marriage, love and marriage
“I swear to Merlin, Potter, when we get back to Scotland, I’m going to kill you. I’ll vivisect you and use your entrails to hang you from the Quidditch pitch!” Severus snarled.
Go together like a horse and carriage
“Cheer up, Severus,” Harry grinned. “It could be worse.”
This I tell you brother
“How, you imbecilic, idiotic, addlepated, nitwit?” Snape growled.
You can’t have one without the other
“You could be the one in the wedding dress,” Harry smiled serenely.
Severus looked over his cheerful partner and had to agree—there was no way he would have worn such an ensemble, yet Harry managed to look oddly fetching in his knock-off Vera Wang wedding gown. It had a plunging neckline with long sleeves and a long skirt to cover Harry’s hairy armpits and legs. No one needed to see that mess. He’d been trying for years to get Potter to improve his hirsutism; naked, Potter looked more like an ape than a man. The dress was made from some synthetic material that chafed in all the wrong places, but Severus didn’t care because he wasn’t paying good money for something that was only going to be worn once. Besides, the more time Harry spent trying on dresses, the less time Severus spent fucking Harry. It was in Severus’s best interests to move things along as expediently as he could. All things considered, Harry looked quite delectable, even if his transfigured breasts were lopsided and the size of small cantaloupes.
Americans—Wizard and Muggle—were so far behind the times that gay marriage was still illegal. Harry wanted to get married on their trip, even though Severus protested that they would be better off marrying at home. The younger wizard would not be swayed, and Severus was disappointed because he was sure that given enough time, his tongue skill would have been able to convince Harry of maintaining the status quo. Snape would have been perfectly content with doing his research, eating fine food, and shagging Harry Potter for the rest of his life without any formal commitment. Harry, however, needed the stability, and with all things in their relationship, once Harry decided he wanted something, he got his way.
Severus did at least get Harry to admit that as the more submissive partner, it would only make sense for Harry to be the “woman” in their relationship. The potions master used a lot of foolish wand waving to turn his athletic, toned and boyish lover into a doe-eyed, large-breasted, curvaceous woman, at least to those not looking carefully. Harry personally thought Severus had overdone it just a tad, since he felt and looked like a hooker Barbie doll, but Severus reasoned that if he was going to get married to a woman, she had to look like a porn star. Who else would put up with such an ugly man with a huge nose (and the assets to match)?
A discreet elbow to the ribs brought Severus back to the present and he hurried to keep up with his eager partner.
Love and marriage, love and marriage
“You do look rather adorable, don’t you Harry?” Severus snarked, still walking down the aisle with his beloved.
It’s an institute you can’t disparage
“Stuff it, Severus!” Harry groused, his grin tight and small on his face.
Ask the local gentry
“Well, it was your idea to get married in this hellhole. I was fine with our relationship as it was. Unlike some people, I didn’t need a marriage to validate my choices,” Severus drawled.
And they will say it’s elementary
“How hard is it to understand that what we had wasn’t good enough for me? Hell, even those dunderheaded, harebrained dullards that you call students could tell that I wanted more out of our relationship,” Harry hissed. “I’m tired of being your fuck toy. I want to be your husband.”
Try, try, try to separate them
“But such a marvelous fuck toy you make,” Severus purred, mere feet from the altar; the officiant gave him a funny look. “Admit it—you’re only with me for the sex anyway. That’s the whole reason this thing between us started. Who jumps me the minute I walk into our rooms? Who begs me to spread him wide and pound him into the floor? Who does exercises to keep his arse tight?”
It’s an illusion
“So? Just because it started out that way doesn’t mean that my feelings haven’t changed,” Harry muttered.
Try, try, try and you will only come
“Who says mine have?” Severus remarked. “You know how I feel about commitment.”
To this conclusion
“And I know how you feel about my arse. If you ever want access to it again, you’ll shut up and say I do!” Harry growled.
Love and marriage, love and marriage
“Fine, Potter. But you’d better give me the blow job to end all blow jobs,” Severus groused.
Go together like a horse and carriage
“Don’t worry, Severus. I have every intention of sucking out your brains and sending you to nirvana. You’ll achieve enlightenment tonight, dear husband,” Harry grinned as they stepped in front of the drunken Elvis.
Dad was told by mother
“Do tell?” Severus asked, already feeling hot under the collar.
You can’t have one without the other
“Later, Severus,” Harry said as Elvis began the ceremony, “much later.”