InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I made it an early night."

Severus Snape (severus_or) wrote in slytherin_or,
@ 2008-01-20 14:22:00

Current mood:

depressed

Snape is feeling down [backdated to this morning]

He shouldn't feel this way, should he?

Severus had awoken with a groan and pulled the coverlet up over his head. The silence that pervaded the dormitory told him everybody else had already dressed and gone down to breakfast, but he felt like curling up in a ball and ... crying, as odd as that sounded, and even though he hadn't really cried in years. He'd just had the best day of his life on Saturday, and now -- on Sunday -- he felt as if his world had fallen apart. The night before, he'd barely been able to make out cloud nine from his elevated vantage point, so why did he now feel as if Sappho had told him she never wanted to see him again? Worse than that, actually. He felt as though he'd been kicked in the gut, in addition to Sappho's having told him off.

For a moment, he wondered if his pleasant memories of the night before had just been a wonderful dream. He was fairly certain that he and Sappho had spent the majority of the afternoon and evening curled up together in front of the common room fire -- kissing, cuddling, and talking -- and that he'd been very red in the face when he declined her offer of walking her to her side of the common room. Of course, once she'd cottoned on as to why (thankfully, he didn't have to say), she had not only understood but had been exceedingly flattered. And, twenty minutes later, when he'd calmed down enough to walk back to his dormitory (holding his cloak in front of him, just in case), he'd been smiling the whole time. And he'd drifted off to sleep still grinning from ear to ear.

But then he woke up, feeling like this.

What in the bloody blazes of hell was wrong with him? Was he simply incapable of being happy? That's what his father would have said. Always wearing a sour expression. Nothing was ever good enough for the boy. Et cetera, ad nauseum. For the first time in his life, however, Severus wondered if his lout of a father might have actually been right. And that, of course, made him feel even worse.

[OOC: There is a reason for this, really. I promise Snape isn't just incapable of being happy. ;-)]

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sappho_or
2008-01-20 08:46 pm UTC (link)

After waiting on the Common room sofa for what seemed to be aeons, Sappho decided she had to find out what was going on. The few days they'd been together, Severus had always been out there waiting for her as she put on her face. Not seeing him made her worry. It had been at least twenty minutes since she emerged from the girls' dorm and there was still no sign of him. By now, she was fairly panicking. Had he taken ill? Had there been an accident? Had someone done something to him? Or was this his way of jilting her? Her stomach turned. She took several deep breaths, stood up, and slowly walked up to the fifth year boys' dorm. Following some two minutes of hesitation, she rounded up the courage to knock on the door.

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severus_or
2008-01-20 09:01 pm UTC (link)

At the knock on the door, Severus sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of his four-poster. What time was it? He cast a quick glance at the clock on the mantel: a quarter after nine. Bloody hell. He was usually in the common room, waiting to take Sappho to breakfast, by half eight at the latest. He'd kept her waiting for forty-five whole minutes by now. Well, she might have slept a little later than usual herself, but now he felt guilty, on top of everything else. He was on his feet within seconds.

After opening the dormitory door a crack, he craned his neck around the edge of wood, so that his visitor wouldn't be able to see that he was still in his nightshirt. Severus exhaled a relieved sigh upon seeing Sappho outside the door, and he even managed a small smile. "Good morning, Sappho," he said, now blinking back tears of -- well, not joy, exactly, but as close as he could get to joy in his current state. "Sorry I'm late. If you'll give me a minute to put on my robes, I'll let you in. All right?"

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	sappho_or 2008-01-20 09:30 pm UTC (link)
	She replied with a gentle tone. "Yes, all right." Sappho was extremely grateful to see that he wasn't injured or ailing and that he seemed to want to talk to her. And though she would have liked to see what he was (or wasn't) wearing, it was of little concern to her at the moment. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-20 09:38 pm UTC (link)

After giving her another small smile, Severus closed the door and went to his trunk to retrieve his robes. Once he'd wriggled out of his nightshirt, he tossed it back into his trunk, closed the lid, pulled his robes over his head, and buttoned them up to his neck. Finally, he retrieved his boots and opened the door all the way to let Sappho inside. "Had you been waiting long?" he asked, frowning, as he walked over to his bed and sat down, opening the drawer in his bedside table to get a clean pair of socks. Just then he realised that he'd have to expose his legs, at least a bit, to pull them on. Blushing slightly, he dragged the coverlet over his lap to hide his hideous lower limbs from Sappho's view as much as possible.

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sappho_or
2008-01-20 10:28 pm UTC (link)

Sappho crossed the room and sat down beside him on his bed. It struck her as un-lady like do to so, but she concluded the situation warranted an exception to the rules of etiquette. "I was waiting a bit, but it's worth it to see you now," she said. When Severus pulled the coverlet over his legs, she wondered if he was cold. Her disappointment steadily grew, for she would have really liked to see if his feet were as adorable as she imagined them to be. Without giving it much thought, she then put her hand on his knee and leaned closer to him.

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severus_or
2008-01-20 10:54 pm UTC (link)

When Sappho put her hand on his knee, Severus stopped what he was doing and lowered his leg, with his sock hanging halfway off his foot. Sighing softly, he laid his head on her shoulder, but that didn't quite satisfy him. The next thing he knew, he'd wrapped both arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck. Though he wasn't crying just yet, he was close. He wanted to tell her what he was feeling, but he didn't know how to say it -- and he was afraid to, as well -- so he simply clung to her.

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	sappho_or 2008-01-20 11:30 pm UTC (link)
	It broke her heart to see Severus like this. Sappho put her arms around his shoulders and began stroking his hair. He appeared to be weeping, but she couldn't be sure. "What's wrong, Severus?" she whispered. "Have I upset you?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-20 11:41 pm UTC (link)

"No," he whispered, but he was afraid she might not have heard him, since his throat was almost too tight to speak. Instead, he shook his head and gave her a squeeze, clearing his throat. "No," he said a little more loudly, "you haven't upset me. I just woke up this morning feeling terrible, and I don't know why." Though he hadn't actually meant to say the last part, it slipped out anyway. He could only hope hearing something like that wouldn't upset Sappho. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her again.

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	sappho_or 2008-01-20 11:55 pm UTC (link)
	"Do you mean terrible as in ill or terrible as in melancholic?" she asked. Sappho suspected it was the latter, but it was possible that he was suffering physically. She wanted to be sure. Squeezing him back, she planted a light kiss on the crown of his head. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	severus_or 2008-01-21 03:00 am UTC (link)
	"Melancholic," Severus said, pulling back so that he could look her in the eye. "Sorry -- I'm not being much fun, am I?" He leant his forehead against Sappho's and pecked her lips lightly. "But I can promise you that it's nothing you've done. So don't worry about that." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	sappho_or 2008-01-22 01:10 am UTC (link)
	She nodded, frowning. "I figured you were sad. I recognise it." Sappho kept petting his hair as she began rocking him back and forth. "Don't worry about being fun. You don't have to entertain me. I care about you, so I want to be here for you. I want to help you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-22 04:41 pm UTC (link)

"You are helping," Severus said, exhaling with a sigh as he leant his head on her shoulder again. "Especially that. Stroking my hair, I mean." He gave her a squeeze about the waist and closed his eyes to help hold back the tears. He didn't want to cry. Not because he thought Sappho would think him weak, but rather because he didn't want to give in to this sudden sadness. He'd been through worse than this, hadn't he? He could beat this, as well -- whatever it was. Clearing his throat, he attempted to change the subject. "Are you hungry at all?"

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	sappho_or 2008-01-24 03:52 am UTC (link)
	Sappho thanked him quietly. She was rather touched that Severus liked her stroking his hair as it had already become one of her favourite things to do. When he asked if she were hungry, she pondered how to handle breakfast. "Yes, I am a little peckish. I could go fetch some food and bring it back here if you don't feel like going out there. It's no trouble." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-24 04:45 pm UTC (link)

"I don't ... so thank you," Severus answered with a small smile. Of course, he felt even worse because he'd walked her to breakfast every day since their first date. The idea that Sappho would have to venture to the Great Hall on her own almost made him swallow his pride (or whatever it was that was currently troubling him so), and go with her. But he was also tearing up, and he knew he didn't want to be seen crying in front of the whole school. He'd never hear the end of it. They called him Snivellus quite enough as it was.

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sappho_or
2008-01-24 10:52 pm UTC (link)

"All right. I'll be back as soon as I can," she whispered. As she released Severus from her embrace, she gave him a kiss on the forehead so that he wouldn't feel too lonely while she was gone. Sappho got up and walked to the door, then waved before slipping out.

She hurried to the Great Hall. Luckily, most of the other students (including certain troublesome Gryffindors) had finished eating and were long gone. This allowed her to gather up plenty of food for the both of them without appearing stingy or gluttonous. Sappho picked up a large, cleared tray and loaded it with eggs, toast, condiments, flatware, and the last banger. She also took the pot of coffee and two cups. There was no drinkable tea left, so she decided to make due with sharing the coffee. Covering the tray with a bulbous, silver lid, she levitated it above her head and started back to the dungeons. She would have carried it herself (using magic for everything was rather lazy, in her opinion), but a levitating charm seemed a safer bet. The last thing she wanted to do was fumble and drop everything. Potter and Black might even be hiding in the corridors, waiting to assist her in tripping.

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severus_or
2008-01-25 03:20 pm UTC (link)

Once she had left, Severus finished pulling on his socks and boots, though he had to stop occasionally to wipe his eyes. He'd been having such fun with Sappho up until now, and the only thing he could think of that had changed since yesterday morning was he'd kissed her and asked her to go steady. But he had absolutely wanted to do both, so why should acting on those impulses leave him feeling so horrid? If everybody felt this way when they started going steady, he wondered why they would even bother. Was this some great mystery of relationships that was completely beyond his grasp? Granted, the only other 'relationship' he'd had with a girl was with Lily, and it wasn't anything approaching romantic -- at least on her end...

And that was when it hit him, with the full weight of a stunner to the chest: He wanted his relationship with Lily to be more than friendship, and had for years now. In fact, he'd repeatedly told himself that it would be, someday, if he were only patient enough. But the second he kissed Sappho and asked her to go steady, he was admitting that he and Lily would never be more than friends. Even Sappho had seen it, because she'd said she couldn't ask him to give Lily up. But he had. He wanted to give her up, so that he could devote himself to Sappho entirely. And that had to be why he felt as if he'd just broken up with somebody, even if it wasn't Sappho, because in a way, he had. But could he find a way to tell Sappho what was going on without making her feel just as horrid as he did?

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sappho_or
2008-01-25 11:31 pm UTC (link)

She knocked on the door and waited a few seconds before opening it. Surely he wouldn't mind her entering without permission, but she wanted to give him a head's up, in case he was in the loo or something. Severus wasn't, though. He was merely sitting on his bed with glistening eyes, appearing to be in shock. Sappho pouted, wondering if he had changed his mind about her since she left. "Um, I have our breakfast here. Plenty for both of us. Probably could use a Warming charm, though. Where should I set it?" she asked in a pathetic squeak.

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severus_or
2008-01-26 04:31 pm UTC (link)

Severus actually started at the knock on the door, but he ought not to have been surprised, since he had been a bit lost in his thoughts. Before he had a chance to tell her to come in, Sappho opened the door, and she was levitating what appeared to be a rather large tray of food. He reached over to move his clock and some books out of the way on his beside table before nodding toward the newly emptied space. "Here should be fine," he said quietly. He wasn't really interested in food; in fact, at the moment he wasn't certain he would ever be hungry again. But he was supposed to have walked Sappho to breakfast, and he didn't want her to starve in his account.

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sappho_or
2008-01-26 05:11 pm UTC (link)

Sappho lowered the tray down on top of the table. She removed the lid and cast a Warming charm on the food, then poured them each a cup of coffee. After portioning out some eggs for herself, she handed Severus his plate. "I hope this is all right. There was only this one banger left at the table. I'm going to have eggs with my toast to settle my stomach. And I thought I'd try some coffee today, too."

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severus_or
2008-01-26 06:19 pm UTC (link)

As Sappho handed him the other plate, Severus gave her a wan smile and set it back down on the tray. "I'm -- ah -- not particularly hungry," he whispered, reaching for the cup of coffee instead, and adding three lumps of sugar, which he then stirred in. After he'd had a small sip, he lowered the cup slowly and sighed. The previous afternoon when they'd returned from Hogsmeade, she'd asked him to be honest with her, above all else. But somehow, just then, it felt like walking a tightrope. He didn't want to hurt her by being less than honest, but he didn't want to hurt her by being honest, either. Still, he would find a way. He'd have to. "I was doing some thinking whilst you were gone..." he began, staring into the depths of his coffee cup, because at the moment he couldn't quite bring himself to look her in the eye.

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	sappho_or 2008-01-26 06:58 pm UTC (link)
	"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" she asked, despite being quite choked up. An icy feeling of dread overtook her. Instead of picking up her plate, which she'd been in the process of doing, Sappho sunk down to the floor. Her eyes welled with tears as she tried to avoid his gaze. "I knew I'd never be good enough for you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-26 07:27 pm UTC (link)

Oh, bloody hell! Severus thought, setting down his coffee cup as he stood. That was exactly the opposite of what he'd wanted to say, but in his dreadful timidity, he'd managed to give Sappho the wrong impression entirely. He bent down and placed both hands underneath her arms to help her to her feet. Then, slipping one arm about her waist and taking hold of her hand with the other, he steered her back toward the bed where he made her sit beside him. "No, I'm not breaking up with you," he said quietly, putting both arms around her and laying his head on her shoulder. "Not at all."

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	sappho_or 2008-01-26 11:05 pm UTC (link)
	She clung tightly to him, resting the side of her head on his crown. Sappho tried not to sob as she wept. "What is it, then? Why are you so upset and sounding like you're about to break some bad news to me the morning after you asked me to go steady with you?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

severus_or
2008-01-27 12:16 am UTC (link)

Severus took a deep breath and exhaled with a sigh. Obviously, he was going about the wrong way, but unfortunately, he didn't know what the right way was. "Remember yesterday, when you said you couldn't expect me to give up -- the person I've been pining for?" he asked, again timidly at first, but he found that he gathered his courage as he went. Before she thought he'd changed his mind, he quickly added, "I do want to give her up -- I still do -- but I don't think it's as simple as just wanting to give her up." He shrugged then, a little helplessly, then dropped his voice to a barely audible whisper. "I feel like I've just broken up with her, if that makes any sense. But it probably doesn't." Sighing again, he gave Sappho a squeeze.

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sappho_or
2008-01-27 04:14 pm UTC (link)

Sappho pulled back and furrowed her brow. "You mean you haven't broken up with her yet and you're afraid to?" she asked. "I'll go tell her you're dropping her for me, if needs be. It has to be done if we're to honestly say we're a steady couple." She grimaced at the mental image of Lily Evans. It would be sweet to tell that cow where to go, she thought to herself.