InsaneJournal

Bluefall never told you what happened to Artemis...
But I will...

So, Artemis is dead. But, since she was so popular, DC gave her a miniseries all about her coming back to life and kicking ass. Hey, that sounds nice. And William Messner-Loebs was writing it, he has some talent. What could go wrong?



So, trying to read Artemis: Requiem (I think Requiem is one of those subtitles that let you know a product is going to suck, like Resurrection or Evolution), I ended up covered in blood, three days gone with no memory, and wearing an admittedly very nice hat. To make sense of all that, I'll have to retrace my steps and recap... ARTEMIS! REQUIEM!

Let's start with the first issue. Artemis is dead, which makes Diana sad, so she goes to rescue Artemis from hell, which Artemis is in because... So Artemis is in hell, shacked up with a demon lord because... So Artemis is in hell and shacked up with a demon lord and she wants Diana to get into a hot tub with her, but not even lesbian subtext can help OH GOD WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED THE OLD MAN HAD SO MUCH BLOOD IN HIM!?

Let's start with the second issue.



So now we know what it would look like if the Punisher started a line of swimwear. And check out the oh-so-classy "battle damage". If anyone ever says that Artemis has pierced nipples and you wanna put them in their place, canon is on your side.



Those guys are from the Hellenders, one of the dozen teams of secret demon-slaying organizations that somehow never manages to trip over all the other secret demon-slaying organizations. I won't be showing much of them in this post because... well, look at them.

Also at the graveyard is a gang of white supremacists and a rookie cop guarding freon. Man, if any more people hang around that graveyard at night, they're gonna need to open a Starbucks there.





Remember freon cop for later. She won't be important, but I want to see that you're paying attention. And now, to follow up that moment of refreshing mediocrity in the sea of 90s, a Diana/Artemis moment.



D'awww! Now cuddle!

With Artemis out of Diana's supporting cast, the Hellenders ask her and her new Sassy Black Friend (Effeminate Gay Man is on back order) to join up. As she does so many times in this mini, Artemis responds by talking out her ass.



No, I don't know what freon rustling has to do with anything either.

I think it was at this point in the narrative that I developed a drinking problem. *tries to drink water, splashes it in eye*

Issue three, time for a training montage!



WHUT! Even the sound effects don't know what's going on with Artemis's characterization. Let's just chalk that one up to a healthy disrespect for the Hellenders and their "training". (Although there's no explanation for Artemis missing a perfectly good "That boy scout troop had it coming" joke of some sort.)



You know, this might be just me, but something tells me a member of a warrior culture who's grown up with death her whole life might be a WEEEEE bit more sensitive to the whole mourning process. Like, putting some pants on, at least. Also, thinking "that was done better in Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Dracula... the one with Keanu Reeves" is never a good sign.

Finally, Artemis goes on a talk show. Because why wouldn't she?



Is a superhero being resurrected really that big of a shock anymore? Easy crowd. You could probably get the same reaction with anything. "A tomato is really a fruit!" "GASPP!"

You might’ve noticed that this mini is kinda playing Artemis for laughs. Well, okay, that could work. Artemis takes herself pretty seriously, so she’d make a good straight man (another thing that would make her a good straight man: how much she likes boobs). So, as long as the jokes are funny…



GROANN!





So, if there's one thing we can take away from this, it's that sometimes, demons are just naked men.

Oh, God, I am really sorry I put you through all that. Here, let me make it up to your eyeballs. Does that hideous 90s art seem so bad when you're looking at... OTTER CUBS?