She should’ve felt some kind of relief, happiness at having won and doing her part to help ensure that win. She should’ve felt freedom from the thoughts and feelings that had been eating her up for months, finally having let go and turned into her dragon form to help defeat COS and holding nothing back while she did it - wings flapping, roaring across the beach, shooting fire. It should’ve been her release and yet she felt much the same as she did before. They had won and she was happy and proud for that, but they had lost so many people. It made her think back to when she killed that COS agent - did people mourn for him the way they were all mourning for those they had lost?
The struggle of good vs. evil was one that she knew well. There was a point back on the Isle where she thought she knew everything, it was all pretty clear-cut and black and white. Even back home, though, those assumptions had been slowly etched away, the black and white combining to swirl together and form some shade of grey. She had grown up being told that she had to be big and bad, be more evil, live up to your potential and earn your name. That was all she was for sixteen years of her life, a little girl trying to live up to the evil that her mother had perpetrated. Mal wasn’t simply a nickname - it was all she could be called because her mother had decided she hadn’t yet earned the privilege to be called by her full name, named after her - Maleficent. When she went to Auradon, that all changed. She saw that those who claimed goodness could be just as bad as anyone on the Isle and those who grew up on the Isle, claiming badness had good inside them, waiting to come out.
Mal had chosen good. She had seen those perceived as bad rise up and become heroes and those who were seen as the epitome of good fall and give in to their darkness. She had worked and flourished with those she once thought enemies, saving the day together. She combined the two starkly different worlds, recalling the speech she made as she took a sip of her drink. I've learned that you can't live in fear...because it doesn't actually protect you from anything. You never know where the bad is gonna come from...and you never know where the heroes are gonna come from, either. She didn’t feel like the same girl who had made that speech.
Though the line between good and evil wasn’t quite as blurry in Atlantis as it was in Auradon now, it was still a bit muddled. What had given her the right to take away anyone’s life? What gave anyone to right to do that? She was still angry about the Arena, dealing with her feelings from that and not in the best ways. She was angry at everything COS had done, seeing the aftermath everytime she turned around. She was angry and sad about the people that were lost. It wasn’t the happy victory that she’d expected or wanted and she didn’t know what to do with any of that. She came from a land of happy endings, after all. For some reason she thought it would all just go away once all was said and done, once she’d let herself go and gave in to everything she was feeling - but that wasn’t actually dealing with it, was it? It was just another unhealthy coping mechanism. Those were her strong suit.
As she sat in a corner seat at the bar, downing her drink and pouring another before the glass was even down, she had a realization. She couldn’t go back home. Not like this. She wasn’t fit to be a queen, a leader of the people. Not now. There was still too much to work through. As much as she missed her friends and knew that having them around would be helpful in her journey to be a better Mal, she couldn’t go back to them right now. She would be more of a hindrance than a help. Was the option even on the table to stay, though? She shook her head and sighed, grabbing her new drink and taking a sip. Everything was so up in the air right now, it made her anxious. Then again, having everything seemingly planned out for her back home had done the same thing to her. What the hell did she actually want?
~
Caspian had noticed the shock of purple hair out of the corner of his eye while he’d been at the bar pouring his drink. The girl it belonged to was sat nursing a glass of something, its recently emptied twin sitting close by on the bar. Purple wasn’t a hair colour Caspian was used to seeing on people which, he thought, was probably why it had caught his attention. It was also what stuck in his mind about the time he’d first caught sight of the girl, when they’d both been fighting on the beach during the battle a few days earlier. Of course, the fact that she’d somehow turned herself into a dragon had also stood out as noteable.
Caspian watched the girl for a moment. She looked markedly less scaly than the last time he had seen her, although it looked as though she was none the happier for it. Taking his drink with him, he walked the short distance to the corner of the bar, having made the quick decision not to return to his friends immediately. There was something about the air of sadness around the girl which marked her out as different from those who had come here to grieve. He was willing to bet that there was something else playing on her mind. In his experience, for people who turned into dragons, there often was.
“Good evening,” he ventured, stopping a few feet away from the purple-haired girl. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Caspian.”
~
She hadn’t been expecting anyone that she didn’t already know to come up to her. Not for any reason in particular, she just understood that they were doing their own things, grieving and dealing with everything in their own ways. Mal herself had never experienced anything like this before. Sure, there was death on the Isle - probably more of it than she was actually aware of. People got into fights and shoved others into croc-infested waters, got into sword fights that ended badly. She never knew any of those people, though - not personally. And back then, she hadn’t yet grown in her capacity to care about others, so it never really affected her. Now, however, it was people that she knew, had seen around. There were faces to the names and though she hadn’t lost anyone extremely close to her, she felt for the ones that did. She never had to grieve before and that only added to the feelings she was already having.
There was also the fact that she tended to put off a stand-offish vibe, even when she may not have wanted to. Growing up on the Isle had taught her not to trust easily, so more often than not she had her guard up. There were a few exceptions in Atlantis - people that she liked and had formed a friendship or bond with; but it was hard to get it out of your head that trusting someone would only end up making you a fool and getting you hurt or screwed over when that was what she had been told most of her life. It had taken her a long time to learn to trust and love in her own world, let alone an entirely new one where she didn’t know anybody. Showing any kind of weakness made you a target on the Isle, made her a target for her mother, in particular. And now, showing weakness made her look like a bad leader in Auradon. She really couldn’t win either way. As it was right now, though, Mal wasn’t sure what kind of vibe she was putting off and she didn’t really care, either. She just assumed it was her usual one and that the fact that she had turned into a dragon only added to people potentially staying away. It was something she had been afraid of showing ever since she first arrived for that very reason, the fear of how people would react. If there had ever been a time to let it out, though, it was certainly that battle and she couldn’t say that she regretted it.
That’s why it was a surprise when someone came over to her, someone she had seen around, at the beach that day in particular, but had never really met. Setting down her drink, she gave him a small smile and a nod. “No, we haven’t. I’m Mal.” Noticing the slight distance he’d kept from her, she glanced down at the seat next to her and reached down, pulling it out for him. “You can join me if you want. I might not be the best company but I promise not to burn you with fire,” she half-joked, half-seriously tried to reassure him.
~
Caspian returned Mal’s smile and graciously accepted the seat she offered him, placing his drink down on the bar. Despite her warning, he appreciated her sense of humour and gave her a wry nod of thanks. She had made rather a ferocious dragon and he certainly was glad she’d been on their side.
“I’m not sure anyone is entirely good company tonight,” Caspian said, casting a glance around the bar. The memorial had been well attended but the mood was sombre. Some people seemed to be taking advantage of the free bar to drown their sorrows, while others were talking in groups about the people they’d lost, the battles, the rebuilding effort.
Caspian hadn’t known any of the people who’d died, not personally, but he knew people who had; Fred’s friend Faith was among the fallen. He also knew, from experience, what it felt like to lose good friends in battle. It hadn’t been hard for him to empathise with those who were hurting.
“Are you here to remember anyone in particular?” Caspian asked gently. He had learnt early on in his reign that it was always best to ask the questions you needed to know the answers to, even if they were difficult.
~
She nodded slightly, taking her own look around the place. It wasn’t necessarily a “good company” kind of situation, was it? More just company in general. Mal knew that was part of the reason why she had come out - be among people even though she found herself sitting in the corner alone. She had to admit, she was also curious how others were handling things, what the “appropriate” way to deal with it all was. She had done a bit of people-watching while nursing her drinks, something that in and of itself may not have been the most appropriate but she couldn’t help herself. Honestly, she didn’t trust herself to have an appropriate reaction so she wanted to see what it was like for others, try to mimic them. After all, her knee-jerk reaction was to become a dragon again and go out over the water and try to let everything out once more - not the most helpful or needed thing right now.
Mal felt stunted in a way when it came to her emotions due to ignoring or pushing down so many of them for most of her life. She was still getting a handle on a lot of them, mostly the positive ones, but this had been something she wasn’t expecting. She hadn’t expected to feel so many things at once, some of them feelings that she had never dealt with before. Part of her felt a little broken that she didn’t know how to deal with any of these things. The Isle had taught her a lot of things that could be translated to a somewhat normal life outside the barrier and she was grateful for that; but this was something that she wished had been different. She wished she reacted more like a person.
Finishing off her second drink, she shook her head at his question while at the same time reaching for the bottle she’d procured and pouring herself another. “No, no one that I was close to. I just wanted to come and pay my respects. See how people were doing.” She looked down into the glass for a moment. She had drank before on the Isle, having mischievously stolen a bottle or two of the pirates’ rum and ale a few times to share with her friend, Jay. “And to drink, I guess,” she added, making a face at how that sounded to even her own ears. Taking a sip of said drink, she looked over at him and asked, “What about you?”
~
Caspian nodded along as she spoke, her sentiment sounding remarkably familiar. He and his friends had been lucky, he knew. There had been injuries - Mia had been critical for a while and Edmund was still resting his broken leg - but they had all made it out with their lives. Still, just because he hadn’t felt the sting of loss personally in this battle, he wanted to show support for those who had.
While he’d never been to a memorial in a bar before, now he was here he agreed that it was a good place for it. Dive was cozy and intimate, its dim lighting and dark colour scheme making it feel womb-like. There had been a willingness to share amongst those attending which he thought would have been unlikely in a larger, more formal setting. He had listened raptly to each touching and heartfelt story that had been shared, finding it impossible not to draw parallels with his own life and the friends he’d lost in his struggle to bring peace to Narnia. However, now the flow of speakers had dried up (for the time being, at least), the bar area had grown busier. It seemed like Mal’s motivations for attending were shared.
Caspian looked down at his own drink. He wasn’t a heavy drinker - at least, not by Narnian standards - but he had to admit that he was glad of the warmth it spread through his body tonight.
“My answer is much the same,” he explained simply, before adding, “I saw you the other day, fighting on the beach. You were impressive.”
~
The stories had made Mal feel awkward; awkward for being there and awkward for not having as many people in her life as she maybe should have or could have. She couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like had she lost someone close to her, if she could barely get a handle on the sadness that she was already feeling for the ones she knew only in passing. Maybe it was better that she only had a few people here in Atlantis. Her mind had travelled to what it would be like to lose any of her friends or Ben. She couldn’t imagine the anguish but oddly enough, her first thought was much the same as it had been with this - turn into a dragon and let that anguish out. She could see herself destroying all of Auradon if something ever happened to anyone that she cared about back home and that was a frightening thought - to know that you would lose control and only cause more damage but be unable to stop it.
Which was why she had the hope that maybe they would be able to stay now that things were all said and done. Mal was impulsive, driven by feelings - a lot of which she didn’t understand. She had brought down the barrier back home without much thought for the villains that truly deserved to stay locked up or where they would house the people coming over from the Isle. It had been a spur of the moment decision, much like her previous ones to spell Ben, run away back to the Isle, to suggest keeping the barrier up forever, lying to her friends about it. There was no discussion done about any of it, it all just happened because she was ruled by emotion. A good leader didn’t do that - they were thoughtful and calm, rational. Staying here and working through her feelings, trying to understand them seemed like a better idea than trying to do it while also readying herself to become queen and the no doubt endless list of things that entailed. She wanted to be good for the people of Auradon and the Isle, be someone that they could really look up to and trust. How could that possibly happen when she didn’t even trust herself most of the time?
She paused mid-drink when he mentioned her fighting on the beach, lowering her glass back down. She couldn’t help but laugh a little, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Oh, yeah. I guess I was hard to miss, wasn’t I?” Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, fingertips tapping against the glass, she admitted, “I’d been fighting back doing that for a long time.” Mal turned to look over at him, leaning against the bar. “I remember seeing you, too. You were impressive in your own right. Didn’t have to turn into a dragon or anything.” Head tilting to the side, she cautiously asked, “Was this your first time doing something like this? An all-out battle...a war.” It seemed that some people had more experience with this kind of thing than others. The wars where she came from had been fought long ago and even when evil had made its way back into the world, there was no real fighting. It was solved with magic and words before anyone got really hurt. If only that had been possible here, too.
~
Caspian smiled, noticing the way she tucked her hair behind her ear and tapped the side of her glass. It made him wonder whether turning into a dragon was something unusual for her. He couldn’t quite work it out from her words. It didn’t sound like it had been against her will, like Eustace’s little transformation, but she didn’t seem to feel completely comfortable about it either.
Caspian took a sip of his drink before replying to her question.
“No. I’ve had to fight before,” he told her. He said it matter-of-factly, although there was a slight tone of weariness in his voice. He didn’t enjoy being at war, although he couldn’t deny the exhilaration he felt in battle. “My kingdom has come under threat a number of times from various types of enemy... although, I have to say, this battle was like nothing I’ve seen before” A frown darkened his expression as he remembered the carnage on the beach.
~
Truthfully, she wasn’t completely comfortable with it. Though she had learned to control it better, it was still something that came out of anger or fear. She wasn’t sure that she would be able to transform whenever she wanted - the times that she had so far were to fight or for protection. If anyone asked on her any given day to become a dragon, she didn’t know if she was capable of that. Once again, it was about her emotions taking hold - negative ones, at that. It was handing yourself over to them, for better or worse, losing a bit of yourself in the process. She had always done good things as a dragon but that didn’t change the fact that it still came from a dark place inside of her. One that she would prefer to forget existed sometimes.
That dark place had to do with her mother. Mal didn’t want to be like her. Causing other people misery didn’t make her happy, being evil didn’t make her happy. Her friends made her happy, Ben made her happy. Choosing good had made her happy. Being able to transform into a dragon just like her mother could was just another reminder that no matter how hard she tried, where she came from was inescapable. It didn’t mean that she had to be like Maleficent, but it certainly didn’t help that there were so many similarities between them. There were times that she wondered whether she was cut out to be good, if that was really what she was supposed to be or if she was just forcing it on herself to create an even greater distance between her and her mother. Maybe that was why it was so hard for her at times, the lines between good and evil so blurred - she was meant to be evil and was going against all of that. Villains generally weren’t very happy, after all so not getting any joy out of it would make sense. These were all things she really needed to figure out before going back to Auradon - who she was and what she wanted. Was she just being who everyone expected her to be again and not her true self? Were the things she wanted only what she wanted because it was what she was supposed to want? How did she reconcile some of the things that happened in Atlantis with who she was? Big questions that she didn’t quite have the answers to.
Her ears perked up at the mention of a kingdom, knowing herself what it felt like to have the people of one counting on you, the fate of it resting on your shoulders. She nodded a little, taking another sip of her drink. “This was my first time fighting anything like this. Actually...wanting to, needing to hurt people,” she said quietly. “I just had to remember all of the things that they did, that made it a little easier but...I’m not sure anything about this is supposed to be easy.” Mal paused, swirling the remaining liquid around in the bottom of her glass. Looking over at him again, she asked, “What’s your kingdom like? You a brave hero of the people or something? Because I could see that.”
~
Caspian took a deep breath and nodded. He understood. He didn’t like hurting people any more than Mal did but he knew that, in war, there were always going to be casualties. Caspian trusted himself enough to believe that he would only ever fight for a just cause and never take a life he could afford to spare. He had spared his uncle, after all, even after he’d taken his throne and tried to have him murdered. It just wasn’t in his nature to act in cold blood and the people of Narnia respected him for it.
A wry smile spread across Caspian’s face and he lifted his glass to take a sip of his drink.
“I don’t know about that,” he replied as he put his drink back down. “But I am King. A good one, I hope.” He knew he hadn’t been the King of Narnia his people deserved in the three years since he’d taken the throne - he’d spent too much time at war or at sea and not enough time governing his kingdom from Cair Paravel - but he planned to put that to rights when he returned home.
“Narnia is a beautiful kingdom. It’s full of life, flowing out along the Great River, from the mountains in the west, all the way to the sea at Cair Paravel in the east. There are talking beasts, trees that whisper and dance and all kinds of magical people: the Old Narnians. Growing up, I believed they were nothing more than stories but now…” He smiled, a faraway look in his eyes. “I look forward to returning to them.”
His gaze focused on Mal as he returned from his thoughts.