Somewhere in her head Jemma Simmons would always be the bedridden little girl who looked up at the stars with her father and dreamed of a life she longed for … a life without pain, where her feet would easily glide one in front of the other. Years later, she knew the little girl would never believe her if she said that she had made it to multiple planets and realities. That she could walk and run upright and fast when she pleased. She hardly believed herself when she attempted to keep it neat and orderly, crafting journaled thoughts to observe the worlds she inhabited.
And Atlantis was surely fine. She knew they had objectives to meet. She trusted her team. But the question was … was she trustworthy. Her own experiences in her world had left her wounded, bitter, tired. She wasn’t sure if she was useful to them. That’s where Bones came in. She found one of the breakrooms in Medical, pulled out two generous mugs and filled them both with coffee. As soon as he arrived, she planned to pounce.
Jemma might not remember the months she’d spent in Atlantis before, but he knew her well enough by now to know when she had something on her mind. They’d worked together more closely when she’d been here before, when Jemma had technically been his boss. He’d missed that friendship and was glad to be working on rekindling it.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked, taking note of her expression and the waiting cup of coffee as he entered the break room.
She might as well get it out and over with. Leonard was obviously well beyond the pleasantries and she appreciated that about him. “My team leader got kidnapped and tortured. I have some talent but I am not an appropriate fit for being a field agent. The losses I’ve experienced, the lack of physicality and what …” The world beyond her own world, when she had been hitched to that damn Kree beast. She knew it was all still in her head and in her heart.
“I’m a liability.”
“What happened to Clarke wasn’t your fault, Jemma,” Leonard said a lot more gently than most people would have thought him capable of. He often came across as gruff and irritable, usually intentionally, but that wasn’t what his friend needed right now.
“You might not remember it, but I’ve known you for a long time now and of all the words I can think of to describe you, a liability isn’t one of them. In fact, I’d wager it’s the opposite.”
“I didn’t see it coming and with the experiences I have -- with my SHIELD training and my Atlantis training -- it’s absolutely crucial that I have the bloody foresight to at least insist that my field commander doesn’t do anything alone on a dystopian planet ripe for all kinds of bullocks …” she took a deep breath, suddenly realizing she’d gone red in the face from forgetting where they were and that she’d been actually talking to someone. All that pressure had come out in a rush. “ … I have to get out of the field.”
Leonard sipped his coffee quietly as he listened to her, letting her get out something that had obviously been bothering her. “You were in Clarke’s world,” he said with a firm shake of his head. “And you weren’t alone there. No one predicted they’d be taken, not even those of us who remember the last time COS took some of our people.”
He could understand why she felt responsible, he could understand wanting to feel like what had happened should have been something they could have controlled, but he’d been here long enough to know that wasn’t always the case.
“Jemma, I would love to have you on my team here, but I don’t want you to give up being in the field out of guilt. Especially over something that wasn’t really your fault.”
She pressed her lips into a thin line. Bones’ words were the words of her logical mind. When she spoke, finally, her voice was inexplicably small.
“I’m scared, too.”
“I’d be more worried if you weren’t a little scared.” He thought about some of his own work out there. Leonard was most at ease in the med bay, but sometimes he did have to get into a little more action in his work for Starfleet and it could be damn near terrifying, like flying a damn shuttle or having to do whatever to save Jim’s dumb ass. “Fear is healthy. Some idiots just rush into danger without thinking twice.”
He was right, of course. There was a world of hurt waiting for them whenever they returned to their own worlds. But even more than that, she understood that fear keeping her in her place was something she’d learned at the hands of the Kree. She nodded.
“So, just enough to keep me moving but not enough to keep me stuck.”
“Exactly,” he said, nodding and offering her an encouraging smile. He was quiet for a moment, studying her as he sipped his coffee. “You’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for, Jemma,” he added. “Anyone who’s ever met you could see that.”
She smiled, knowing that Bones was trying to make her feel better. But she also knew he wouldn’t lie to her at all. She could be a field agent. She’d straddled that line in her own world.Truth be told she probably still did.
“Thanks. I’m sorry I’ve kept you with all this but I appreciate it so much.”
Leonard shook his head and waved off her apology. “I’d like to think we’re friends. You can keep me anytime, especially if you’re bribing me with fresh coffee,” he half-teased, at least for the last part. A little more seriously, he added, “I’m always here when you need to talk.”