HIGGS, terence. (higgles) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-08-15 10:09:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, character: alicia spinnet, character: terence higgs, location: diagon alley |
who ? alicia spinnet-higgs and terence higgs-spinnet
when ? monday morning, 15th august
where ? alicia’s flat
what ? nothing good
warnings ? it's a shit show
status ? complete
The party on Saturday had gone past quite quickly, in no small help to the fact that Higgs hadn’t stayed for very long at all. Sunday, had similarly gone past rather quickly. Higgs had gone to his mum and dad’s house, spent ages listening to them talk about the holiday they were off to. Then, assure them that yes, he would make sure to let them know if anything happened. And yes, he would owl Gemma if he needed anything. Why Gemma was the designated adult supervision, Higgs didn’t know but also felt like he should be marginally insulted at the suggestion. His parents had left that evening and the house had felt both oddly quiet and oddly comforting. Higgs thought he’d chosen well to go back to theirs.
Come Monday morning, Higgs knew he had to go and talk to his wife. In the long line of apologies he owed, she ranked pretty high up. Except, Higgs wasn’t too sure what else to say to Alicia apart from ‘sorry, I disappeared’. Gemma had complained he hadn’t said he was fine, but Higgs disagreed. He had said he was fine. Said he had to leave. And he also hadn’t been in a position to write home constantly. Nor, realistically, the wish to. But that didn’t mean people hadn’t worried, he did realise that. And for that, Higgs was sorry.
Apparating to Alicia’s flat building (rather than her flat), Higgs knocked on the door. He assumed she’d probably be in, but at least a small part of him hoped that she might be out. That he might prolong having this conversation. Even if he knew avoiding it completely was impossible. When the door did open, Higgs straightened up. “Hey,” he offered, which wasn’t quite a ‘sorry I disappeared with barely any word’.
--
Alicia could tell there was a marked difference in how she’d been feeling a month or two ago. It didn’t present itself much in her everyday life, except that it had been a while since she’d felt even and emotionally level for any sort of sustained period of time; and it was still very early, so there was really no telling if it would last or not. No, it was at times like this, when something happened, that she could really tell. There was absolutely nothing in the world that could make her forget or ignore the fact that she hadn’t heard from her husband in almost two weeks, but she thought she’d done a fairly good job of keeping herself from fixating too much. The urge to write him after a ‘few’ days had been strong, but she held off by telling herself that he would let her know when he was finished dealing with whatever it was. If something was truly wrong, he would tell her.
Eventually, and especially after hearing that even Gemma hadn’t heard from him, that wasn’t enough, and she had to write to him. Now, Alicia did not really expect him to reply quickly, if he did at all, but she had hoped a little that if she started the conversation, maybe he would at least tell her he was okay. What she did not expect was to hear that he had returned the day before and spoken to his sister. As Sunday passed, punctuated by the frequent checking of her journal to make sure she didn’t miss his reply, she began to get irritated. That was how she could tell she was feeling better. Instead of internalizing it and asking herself what she had done to make him not want to talk to her, Alicia got a little angry at apparently not being important enough to drop a quick note to.
Still no response by the time she woke up Monday morning, it was actually pretty hard not to consider the reasons Terence wasn’t talking to her. It was unlikely that something was physically preventing him from doing so, which meant it was probably a conscious choice, and that wasn’t like him at all. He was usually so concerned about her wellbeing that he was around all the time, and maybe that was why his absence had been so pronounced. Worry began to creep in again, as she wondered if something was, in fact, wrong, or if he just didn’t think she would have cared that much. That one hurt to think about, which was why she tried not to dwell on it.
She answered the door, for some reason not expecting it to be Terence. A myriad of different feelings struggled for dominance as she stared him for a moment before she stepped to the side to let him in, if that was indeed what he wanted. She still wasn’t sure exactly what she felt more of--relief, worry, or irritation--as she spoke.
“You could have sent me an owl or something.”
--
Higgs did want to step inside, if only because he definitely didn’t want to have this conversation in the hallway (for as much as he didn’t want to have it at all). Once inside the flat, Higgs nodded at Alicia’s words. She was right, he could have done more to get in touch. Not that he could have actually sent an owl whilst staying at Cassie’s but he probably could have done more to remember to bring his journal with him. Which was still somewhere in his room back in the house he shared with Marcus. “You’re right,” Higgs confirmed because she was. “I’m sorry,” he offered honestly. There were things Higgs did regret and worrying people was definitely one of them. Even if he didn’t think they should have worried.
“I didn’t intend to worry anyone,” Higgs admitted. Of course he hadn’t intended to worry anyone, Higgs didn’t think in the whole of his life he had ever intentionally tried to worry someone. But he did recognise that nonetheless, he had worried people and for that he was sorry. Had offered apologies to Marcus and Gemma already, was slowly going to work down the list of his close friends. And yet, Higgs wouldn’t actually change anything because he had needed to go. Needed to do this for himself.
Giving a small sigh, Higgs shook his head. “I don’t have much else to offer than an apology for worrying you,” Higgs told Alicia. He hadn’t prepared any grand speech and now was left wondering if perhaps he should’ve done. Then again, Higgs wasn’t exactly particularly great at speeches. Much better at silences.
--
A big speech wasn’t necessary, but something more than an apology would have been nice. Some kind of explanation, maybe. She wouldn’t have needed one if he’d simply penned a note once or twice while he was gone, because at least then she would have known he was alive and well enough to read and write. Not to be dramatic, but for all Alicia had known, something serious had happened to him while he’d been dealing with whatever and there was no way for her to know. She wouldn’t have begrudged him time to himself, but without knowing, all she’d had was her own imagination.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked lightly, giving him the option, as always, to say no as she closed the door. She would have liked to know what the last two weeks had held for him, but if he didn’t want to get into it with her, she didn’t like to push. He’d tell her in his own time. “Tea?”
--
Did he want to talk about it? No. Not any more than he had done with Marcus or Gemma. That didn’t meant that Higgs wasn’t aware that he should talk about it. Or at least offer some sort of an explanation, even if it was the same as he had offered his best friend and sister. “Tea would be nice,” Higgs said with another nod, before walking to the kitchen. Leaning against a counter opposite of where the kettle sat, Higgs tapped his fingers against the wood behind him. He didn’t think he was nervous, mostly because he wasn’t sure what he would be nervous about. He didn’t stop tapping, though.
“I think we should get divorced,” he said, the words echoing around him. That hadn’t actually been what Higgs had wanted to say. Planned to say. Any of that. But in a way, he supposed, it was something he had thought about a lot more than was particularly healthy. In the grand scheme of things, Higgs was rather sure that that was the best course of action. He wasn’t well enough. He might never be well enough. And that wasn’t fair. Neither on Alicia, nor on him.
--
The motions to put the kettle on were automatic and done without much thought, but six words froze her whole body. It felt like a cliche, but they didn’t just echo in the room, they echoed inside her; her blood didn’t literally run cold, but she did certainly feel something. The kettle was placed gently back down, movements so careful not to disturb anything more than necessary.
“What?” She turned around to face him, sure she’d misheard; there was no hurt there yet, just confusion and a little shock. Because they had been trying to make this work, and Alicia had thought they were doing really well. Perhaps not quite as well as she’d hoped they’d be at the six month mark, but still good. Had she been deluding herself this whole time?
--
There were a lot of things Higgs loved about his marriage. It hadn’t been easy, that was true. Him and Alicia had certainly gone through a rather bumpy ride that was yet to straighten out completely. But Higgs had never objected to that. Never minded putting the effort in, making sure Alicia was happy. Except now he didn’t think he could. In a way, for months now he hadn’t been sure he could be whatever she needed, but the last two weeks had shown him that point from a completely different side. Higgs could barely be whatever he needed, he feared he wasn’t able to do that for someone else, too, and that was just unfair to Alicia.
“I don’t think I’m the man you married, Alicia,” Higgs told her softly but still firmly. Convinced in his words. “I don’t think I even remember who that man was,” he admitted slightly quiet. It was true, though. Higgs barely knew who he was these days, and the realisation that he was doing a lot of pretending hadn’t done much to make him feel better. “And I can’t be what you need. Not right now, anyway,” and that really was the truth. Or the truth as far as Higgs was aware of it. “Maybe not ever. And that’s not fair on you. You deserve better. And I can’t be that,” not now, maybe never. Higgs hopped it wouldn’t be never but that wasn’t a gamble he wanted to take with Alicia’s heart. “So I think we should get divorced,” he repeated finally.
--
Hearing the words again and again didn’t make it any easier to swallow, and the urge to just break down and beg him not to do this was strong. But that wouldn’t fix anything, if it didn’t outright make things worse. No, there could be no begging with this.
“Are you asking my opinion or are you telling me what’s happening?” she asked carefully, unable to look him in the eye, but also unable to look away. “Because I’m not the girl you married either, and I’m finally starting to be okay with that. I don’t need you to be anything other than you.” Alicia was trying very hard to stay calm, but the more she thought about it, the more panicked she got. She--they--had worked so hard to get to this point, and to just give up after six months...it seemed like not even giving it a chance.
--
Alicia’s words made Higgs feel... guilty. But then, of course it would. You didn’t really ask someone you love to divorce you and expect not to feel bad about it. Higgs didn’t believe that Alicia wasn’t the person he married though. She always had been, perfect or not, she’d always been exactly who Higgs had married. He did not feel comfortable making the same claim. “I think you do,” Higgs said, finger still slowly tapping against the counter behind him. “And maybe you’re right, maybe you don’t need me to be anything else for you, but--” There he gave a deep sigh. Higgs felt like he needed to be more. Because Alicia deserved more. And he didn’t even know what was going on in his head. That was not the risk Higgs was willing to take, not after the way Cassie had spoken. That scared him.
“I guess,” Higgs said bringing a hand up to run it across his face. It made the tapping stop briefly. And yet he still didn’t feel nervous. “I guess, I’m telling you,” he settled on. At the end of the day, Higgs wasn’t sure he could convince himself that this wasn’t the best course of action. “I want you to be happy, Alicia,” Higgs told her truthfully. “And I don’t think I can make anyone happy right now. And--” There was a small pause, hand returning to the counter. “I don’t know how long I’ll feel like that. That’s not fair on you. You deserve better.”
--
The worst part was that Alicia just didn’t understand. She didn’t understand anything. Not what had changed, or what was happening to him, or what he thought she needed. He was saying things, calling it quits, but he wasn’t actually giving her any information. Everything was so vague, how was she supposed to understand what was happening? Nevermind that the little voice in her head and the sinking feeling in her gut told her that this was probably her fault, not his. She’d been too depressed, too unstable, he was tired of taking care of her. She knew dealing with her had to exhausting, she just...she supposed she’d foolishly believed him when he said he could handle it.
Instead of voicing any of her doubts or confusion, because that would just lead to more crying, she said in a small voice as she stared at his shoes, “Whatever you’re going through, I can help you. I want to help you.”
--
“Can you?” Higgs asked. Could she? Could Alicia help him when he didn’t even know what the help he needed was? In retrospect, this conversation was far too preemptive. Higgs should have waited. Should have thought about it more thoroughly. Should have thought about what he needed to say and not blindly walk into this. He didn’t want to upset her. Which was possibly the stupidest thought he had had in weeks. This was hardly a conversation that wasn’t going to upset Alicia. She cared for him, Higgs knew that, but that was also the problem. He didn’t want to put her through the whatever unknown he was facing. It wasn’t fair.
It was unlikely that Alicia could help him. Higgs didn’t doubt that she wanted to, though. But she shouldn’t have to. He was meant to be the one who was strong for both of them and that just no longer seemed to be the case. “It’s not you,” Higgs said finally. He didn’t need to possess any special powers to imagine the way Alicia’s thoughts must’ve been going. He knew her. And he needed to tell her, no matter how much a cliche ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ might’ve been, it really wasn’t her. “I love you,” he added, completely honest. He did love her. That was why he couldn’t do this to her. There was a brief silence as Higgs thought over what he could say. Should say?
“When we split up the first time, I didn’t ask for a divorce because I loved you. I didn’t want to divorce you. And that was selfish,” Higgs explained. “Loving you should have meant I did the best by you and I realise now that wasn’t it,” except Higgs probably still wouldn’t change anything about that. Wished he didn’t have to now either. “I want you to be happy,” Higgs repeated with a small sigh. “And I just--” he cut himself off there because without repeating more how he didn’t think he could make her happy, Higgs wasn’t sure what there was to say.
--
“Yes,” she insisted at his question, but didn’t say anything else. The thoughts weren’t clear enough. She could help him, like he’d helped her. She could be there for him. Terence often hadn’t had to actually say or do anything to help her, all she’d needed was to know that he was there and that he loved her. Alicia believed that, if he would just let her, it could help him too; she wasn’t naive enough to think she could fix him, but she knew she could definitely help.
She laughed bitterly when he said he loved her, and was surprised when tears followed it. She didn’t know why she was surprised, crying was apparently how she dealt with everything, even when it wouldn’t help the situation. She supposed it was because, while there was definitely reason to cry, the more he talked, the funnier it was, because if he really loved her, he wouldn’t be doing this.
“If you think there is any universe in which I’m better off without you, then you don’t really know me at all.” Alicia wiped her cheeks and forced herself to stop crying before she had a full meltdown right there in front of him. “Divorcing me isn’t going to make me happy, ever, I’m not going to move on and have some great life with someone else, and I don’t want to.”
--
Higgs was pretty sure that Alicia was wrong. As he watched her cry, over things he’d said, things he’d done, Higgs felt more convinced of that. There had to be plenty of universes where she was better off without him. She didn’t need him. Or at least, shouldn’t need him. Higgs tried very hard to be there for Alicia, or at least had done in the last six months, the three years before that had been... different. In the last six months Higgs had watched Alicia go from a low to a, well, perhaps not a high, but a place she was happier at. Leaving her old job, getting a new job. Those were such great things and he was so proud of her. But they didn’t require him to be there. She could do it on her own. He believed that fully.
As for not moving on and having a great life with someone else, well... Higgs wasn’t convinced that she wasn’t wrong about that either. She’d attempted it once and Higgs had no illusions that if Alicia had been in a better place with herself, she could have succeeded in that. “So what would you have me do, Alicia?” Higgs asked softly, gripping the counter so he could physically stop himself from walking over and pulling her into a hug, which was all he wanted to do but also really couldn’t. “Go against what I believe? What I feel like? Pretend I don’t think I will disappoint you? I will hurt you? Pretend I think I can make you happy?” Because Higgs wasn’t sure that wouldn’t hurt them both a lot more than him leaving.
--
Alicia’s time with George seemed like a lifetime ago most days. That was where it belonged. Neither she nor George were the same as they’d been at the beginning of the year, and that was okay. He’d moved on, and she...well, Alicia was with the love of her life, even if that love was currently trying to leave her. Back then, she might have just accepted that without much of a fight, but not now, not when he kept saying he was doing it for her.
“You mean what I did everyday for three and a half years? Knowing that I was terrible for George, that I was going to hurt him, when I was absolutely convinced that this was how it was going to end because I’m a lot to handle?” Alicia shook her head. No, it wasn’t going to end like this because of what was ‘fair’.
“What are you going through that could possibly be more than what I've put you through? What's so unfair to me that I don't even get a say in it?”
--
“This isn’t--” But Higgs cut himself off. It wasn’t about Alicia. It wasn’t because something she’d done, something she’d said. It had nothing to do with her. But Higgs didn’t know how to explain that. He thought he had tried. It had never been that he’d been tired of helping her, or listening to her, being there for her. Higgs had done everything for Alicia, including this. But he couldn’t convince her that this wasn’t to do with her, that this was something that he had to do, and really, if Higgs couldn’t even do that, he failed to see how Alicia could possibly help him. Not when he couldn’t even explain to her that this wasn’t down to her actions or her behaviour.
Pushing himself away from the counter, Higgs shook his head. “I think this would be for the best,” he said finally. “I love you very much, Alicia, but this isn’t right,” Higgs noted. Whether she insisted she wanted to or not, Higgs wasn’t going to make her deal with whatever was going on in his head. Not when he didn’t know where it would go. Not when he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t hurt her in the process. It was better to stop. Even if it might not feel like it at the moment.
--
It looked like he was going to leave without actually explaining anything and Alicia wasn't going to have it. Whereas before he seemed to waver, now he appeared to have made up his mind, and it only served to make her need to push him more.
“That is not your decision to make. You don't get to just come in here and tell me what's unfair to me and not tell me why. I need to know why. You owe me that much.” If she had to physically stand in his way until he told her something, she would.
--
The problem was that Higgs didn’t know how to explain it. He just about understood his reasoning himself. There were things in his head that made everything so much more difficult. The constant need to make sure places were too loud, too bright. The way his nightmares just didn’t seem to ease after twelve months of consistency. There were many other things too. Little things, all piecing together in a great big mess. But Higgs didn’t know how to put it in words even for himself, and much less for Alicia.
So instead, Higgs blinked at her. Slowly and almost confusedly. “I have to sort out my head. I’m not okay,” there he paused slightly because no matter how many times Higgs said it, it didn’t become any easier. “I haven’t been for too long,” at least that was somewhat easier to admit. “I need time to work it out. I don’t know how long that time will be. I don’t want you to get caught up in that because you shouldn’t have to,” Higgs explained, sentence by sentence, pauses in all the right places. “I don’t want you to,” he corrected. “It’s not about you not being enough. It’s not about you being ill. It’s not about you,” Higgs said with a sigh. “I need to do this for me as much as for you” And he really did.
--
“If it's not about me then stop saying it's for me,” she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest. “If it was really about doing right by me you'd have at least included me in the decision, because that is the part that's not fair.”
It sounded like Alicia was angry, and on the surface she was, but inside it was all hurt. Everything he'd done for her in the last six months apparently meant nothing. Everything they'd worked for. Alicia had been thinking about renewing their vows for their next anniversary and having a real ceremony for their friends and family for christ’s sake. And regardless of what he thought, she really didn't think she'd ever be able to get over him. She didn't want to.
“This is what we signed up for, Terence. To struggle at times, and work through the hard parts, be whatever support you needed. I didn't get it before, but I do now. I signed up for this, same as you did--or was that just a bunch of bullshit?” Because to Alicia, there was no difference between her struggle with her mental health and his. It was all struggle and support, even if there was nothing she could physically do. Just being there was the point.
--
“Was it bullshit?” Higgs repeated almost surprised. They weren’t having the same conversation, it struck him. To Higgs, they were talking about how he wanted to end their marriage to allow Alicia a way out, to allow her not to wait for him, to allow her to learn to live for herself rather than do things for him. To Alicia, that did not appear to be the conversation they were having. Not if she thought that questioning everything he had done for her was where it was at. How was Higgs meant to explain this to her if her first response was to presume he had lied to her about caring for her?
Shaking his head, Higgs run his hand over his face. “I can’t do this. I can’t explain it to you in any way I feel you might accept it, but,” and there he paused, looking at Alicia carefully. “Maybe we’ll talk again at a different time. This is clearly not...” Working? Good? Higgs wasn’t sure what, but he was failing to explain to her something that was so very important to him and Higgs didn’t see that changing in the next ten minutes. Maybe he’d try again another day. Another month. Another year.
--
No, Alicia was pretty sure they were having the same conversation. He didn't want to burden her, to put her through what she'd put him through. In essence, it seemed to her that he felt the same way she did about her problems, but instead of talking to her, he was deciding what was too much for her to handle. She had also felt it grossly unfair to him when she'd cried on him repeatedly about Weasleys, but he told her to do it anyway, that he didn't mind. Whatever was going on in his head, Alicia didn't mind either.
“Not what? Not what you wanted to hear? What did you expect me to say? ‘Yeah sure let's get divorced because we've already split up once’? That's not the answer, Terence. It wasn’t then and it isn't now. Please, tell me, exactly what you think this will accomplish.”
Maybe he should come back another time and try to explain again. She might be more level-headed next time, but Alicia knew she wouldn't be any more receptive. Regardless of what was happening, a divorce was not what she wanted.
--
Higgs hadn’t expected her to say ‘sure’, but then Higgs also hadn’t planned this at all. He’d sort of blindly stumbled into this conversation and was now slowly drowning trying to get through it. The truth was that Higgs didn’t know what he wanted to hear. If he had been able to think more clearly, Higgs might have considered what he would do if the tables were reversed. Except, of course, they had been at one point and he had walked away. Ironically, he still regretted that but it didn’t make him feel like this was any less worth doing now.
But there was also the part where Higgs really didn’t know what else to say. He cared for Alicia so much and he couldn’t do to her what Johnny had done to Cassie. It was unfair and it was cruel. The fact that Higgs was very far from what Johnny had been like didn’t seem to really feature in Higgs’ understanding of the situation. “I’m sorry,” he said finally, circling back to where they had started at. He was sorry, but that didn’t mean Higgs still wasn’t convinced this was the best thing he could do for Alicia, whether she agreed or not, in a way, was rather irrelevant.
“I’m going to go now,” he told Alicia since the whole thing was quickly starting to make Higgs feel trapped. Trapped in the situation, trapped in the conversation, trapped in his own inability to articulate. It had been stupid to come here this morning, not when this was the outcome. Even stupider not to have considered it beforehand. But there they were. The here and now.
--
She didn't mean to make him feel trapped, but she also was just as sure as he was that this was not the answer. She couldn't just accept it and let him walk away, not yet.
“Answer one question and you can do whatever you want,” she said, much more calmly. “And be selfish. Do you want to be married to me? Because if you do, please don't do this.”
--
What did him wanting to be married to her really matter? What was their marriage if Higgs didn’t think he could make her happy? A piece of paper that stood as a reminder for all the things Higgs would fail to do. That didn’t seem all that great. Whether Alicia wanted to accept it or not, Higgs couldn’t do this. He couldn’t put her through the way he felt. She deserved better, she really did. And he didn’t even know when or even if he’d ever be able to give that to her. This was the best way.
“I’m sorry,” Higgs repeated instead of actually answering her question. He wasn’t going to lie to her and say he didn’t want to be married to her. Higgs didn’t want to hurt her, not any more than he was doing already. Not with lies. He did love her and he did want to be married to her. But that, right now, just wasn’t going to be enough. He wasn’t going to be enough. “I really am,” he added, most he was able to offer right now.
Before she could point out the fact that he hadn’t actually answered at all, Higgs pulled out his wand and apparated away. The coward's way out, but he could no longer continue with this conversation.