Christine Chapel, RN (chapelrn) wrote in paradisolog, @ 2016-10-24 21:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | christine chapel (chapelrn), leonard mccoy (dammitjim) |
WHO: Christine Chapel and Leonard McCoy
WHERE: The jungle behind the Medical Center
WHEN: Last Friday
WHAT: A surprise kiss
WARNINGS: Sadness and confusion
STATUS: Complete GDoc
It had been almost three weeks since the baby had been born and two weeks since she and Barry had given him to Arva. Even though Christine knew it was the right choice and most of the time she was okay, there were times when it still hurt and she wondered if she’d made the right choice. Today was one of those days. They happened without warning, she could be doing the most mundane thing and suddenly something would hit her and she’d find herself in tears. Today she’d been folding some diapers and it had fallen on her like a ton of bricks. Taking a shaky breath, she turned and headed out the back door and into the wooded area behind the Medical Center. There was a clearing there which she had discovered not long after arriving. It was private and sometimes she went there to think. Lately she had been using it as a place to cry. She held back the tears until she got there and then sat down on the ground, leaning her back against a tree. “You are being ridiculous,” she told herself. “You know you made the right choice, he’s fine….stop this.” but it did no good, the tears came and she put her face in her hands and let them. McCoy had known Christine was having a hard time, even if she didn’t almost show it. She might have seemed alright to other people, but he knew her better than most and he could tell when there was something on her mind. Granted, he also knew better than some why this would be affecting her so much. Concern for her had brought him to the medical center to check up on her just in time to see the flash of blonde hair as she ducked out the back. McCoy followed without hesitation, not stopping to consider that she might rather be alone. He couldn’t stand seeing someone in pain, especially when it was someone he cared about and he did really care about Christine. When he reached the clearing, he moved quickly toward Christine, kneeling in front of her. There was the briefest hesitation before he reached for her and pulled her into his arms as he started to whisper reassuringly to her. “Shh, it’s alright. Everything’s gonna be alright,” he murmured, trying to sooth her. Christine clung to him and let the tears fall. It never crossed her mind that some people might find it odd that she was sharing this with McCoy and not with Barry but she’d shared tears with him as well. Right now though,, she was happy to be in her friend’s arms and willing to let him soothe her. Finally after a few moments she raised her head and sniffed, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just rain all over you like that.” Christine sighed and looked at him. “Some days I’m fine and then other days…..I don’t even know what brings it on, it just happens “You never have to apologize for that,” he assured her. He brought a hand up to help dry her tears and it lingered against her face when he was done. He caressed her cheek gently, keeping her close to him even if she’d pulled away a little bit to speak. “You can rain on me anytime, that’s what I’m here for,” he continued, his thumb rubbing over her cheek as he tried to soothe her further. “I know how hard this is for you, Christine. I told you I’d be here for you and I meant it. I’m not going anywhere. We can sit right here for as long as you need.” She nodded. “Thanks. I just….well sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. We talked about it, neither of us was ready to be a parent and as much as I do like Barry, we hadn’t known each other all that long. It just feels like if I’m going to actually raise a child it should be with someone I know better.” Christine sighed. “On the other hand there are couples here who never knew each other before and made the decision to raise their child together and they’re happy. Was I being selfish? By wanting to have a baby, to know that I could yet not keep it?” She shook her head. “I don’t know. He’s a part of me and I know he’s being taken care of but still…..” her voice trailed off and she looked up at McCoy, searching his expression, wondering what he was thinking. It occurred to McCoy as she spoke of wanting to raise a kid with someone she knew better that he wouldn’t mind it, but it seemed crass to admit that to her now. The truth was, though, that there was a part of McCoy that had always been half in love with Christine. He’d at least wondered “what if” a few times and now that he was here and they were on the subject, he thought if there was anyone here he’d want to raise a kid with, it was Christine. He liked Peggy a lot. He was incredibly smitten with her, not to mention finding her really attractive, but his feelings for Christine ran deeper. She was one of his best friends. He loved her, whether it was in the way that would make them good parents or not. But bringing up any of that now seemed like a really bad idea. “If you weren’t ready, it could have been selfish to keep the baby, anyway, just to have to avoid letting it go,” he told her after a moment of thought. “You miss him. That’s understandable. But you didn’t do anything wrong in giving him up, alright? It’s just going to take time, especially after what you went through with Pike and the baby you lost.” He reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze while his other arm kept holding her close to him. Maybe it was partly just an excuse to have her in his arms, but he wanted her to know he was here. She knew he was right, everything he said made sense and Christine nodded. “I know you’re right,” she finally said. “But there are times when it just gets to me. I know it will get better with time, it’s just that sometimes I wish time moved a little faster when it comes to things like that.” Christine managed a smile and without thinking, rested her head on his shoulder. It felt good sitting here like this with him and if she’d been more herself she might have wondered why that was. Right now though, it felt good to have someone familiar beside her. It wasn’t that she didn’t care for Barry, she did, he was a wonderful man and he meant a great deal to her but when it came to certain things, it just felt better having someone from home. McCoy shifted so that they were in a more comfortable position when she laid her head on his shoulder, his arm pulling her close in a gesture that should have let her know he didn't mind at all. He knew exactly why it felt good to him to hold her and he felt like kind of an ass for it, but that wasn't enough to make him push her away, especially when she seemed to need him. “Patience never was one of your many attributes,” he teased her as his hand came up to cup the back of her head and he began to idly play with her hair. It was softer than it had any right to be, considering they were on an island with limited resources. He is told himself he was comforting her and he shouldn't be thinking about how good this felt, but in all honestly, he was glad for the excuse to to in this position, even if he hated seeing her hurting so much. “No, it never has been. I’m impatient and stubborn and a giant pain in the ass but you still hang out with me,” she gave him a little smile. “But you’re all those things too, you know. Maybe a bigger pain in the ass but still…” Christine had no idea what was happening here but something had subtly shifted when she rested her head on his shoulder. She’d wanted the comfort of his presence, the strength of one of her best friends but the way he was touching her hair...now she wasn’t sure what she wanted but she didn’t want him to stop. “Yeah, but you put up with me anyway,” he teased back. It was comfortable, sitting here with her, but at the same time, there was a kind of intensity to the moment, a kind of electric charge between them. He turned his head a little, looking down into her eyes and even though it was the most inappropriate time for it, he was struck with the overwhelming urge to kiss her. Desire overwhelmed reason in the moment and he leaned in, closing the small amount of space between them and the next thing he knew, he was pressing his lips to hers. Christine was so surprised that she couldn’t move but then she was kissing him back, lifting a hand to rest at the back of his neck. She hadn’t expected this but there had been times in the past when a part of her had wondered what it would be like. They spent so much time together in close quarters that it was hard not to think about. The kiss was sweet and it felt good, better than it had a right to probably but finally they had to break apart but Christine didn’t move away from him, letting her hand stay where it was. “Well…” she said, having no idea what else to say. The kiss didn't last nearly long enough, if you ask him. They pulled away from each other after a few moments and all he really wanted to do was kiss her again. It was a fight to hold onto reason and remember that she'd just had a baby with another man. “I probably shouldn't have done that,” he admitted. She'd kissed him back, but that didn't mean his timing hadn't sucked or that she wasn't going to be more confused than ever. He was glad she hadn't moved away, he wanted to take that as a sign he hadn't completely screwed up their easy friendship, but he knew he shouldn't have done it now no matter how badly he'd wanted to. She had no idea what to say. It wasn’t that she hadn’t enjoyed the kiss, she had and that was the problem. She shouldn’t have, not after just having had a child with Barry, not when she was still getting over PIke’s death. Then again, she probably shouldn’t have had a baby with someone when she grieving either. Life was not fair and it was confusing as hell. What was even more confusing was that she wanted to kiss him again and that had nothing to do with being sad, or lonely, or wanting comfort. Perhaps that was the most confusing part of it all. So instead of trying to figure out what to say, Christine closed the distance between them and kissed him again. McCoy knew he should push her away, but he didn’t have quite that much self control. Instead, he shifted again, pulling her against him as he deepened the kiss. His hands moved into her hair as he pulled her mouth against his and he lost himself in the moment. Maybe he hadn’t let himself consciously think about it, but this was something he’d wanted for a long time. There were other women here who interested him, but Christine- there was something more with her. Maybe it was just because they’d known each other for so long. Christine didn’t resist when he deepened the kiss, she returned it without hesitation. Part of her brain was trying to tell her that she should pull away but another part was urging her not to. Finally logic won out and she broke the kiss. “Leonard….” she said. It was one of the few times in their relationship that she’d ever used his first name. “We….what….we shouldn’t have done that.” She looked at him, hoping that she hadn’t hurt his feelings by what she’d just said and she took a shaky breath. “Not that it wasn’t good but we shouldn’t have done that.” It took him a moment to catch his breath when she finally pulled away. Calling it a mere kiss actually seemed like kind of an understatement. That had been [...] something else completely. He thought he should probably regret it, but there was a part of him that didn’t. “I know,” he admitted, looking down at her words. He couldn’t bring himself to completely regret it, but he felt like an ass, for not regretting this kiss and for initiating this in the first place. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t [...] I wasn’t trying to take advantage or-” Son of a bitch, he was just messing this all up. “I’ll go, if you want me to.” “Hey,” she took his hand. “It wasn’t like I was stopping you so you weren’t taking advantage. I….well I didn’t mind.” That was an understatement. Christine was confused, she didn’t know what she felt but she knew she didn’t regret it, not in the least. “And no, I don’t want you to go. Please, just sit here with me for a little while.” McCoy shook his head. “You were looking to me for comfort and here I was acting like a horny cadet.” It had been obvious that she'd liked it, but that wasn't the point. He still felt like he'd taken advantage of her vulnerability. “I'll sit here as long as you want me to,” he agreed, knowing nothing could make him move from this spot if she wanted him to stay, even if a part of him thought that he should. “You have more finesse than a horny cadet” she deadpanned and then squeezed his hand. “But thank you for staying. I just need a few minutes. I’ll be okay, I just don’t want to be alone.” He moved his arm around her again, pulling her against him in a much more innocent way. “As long as you need me, I'm going to be right here,” he promised her. He meant it for more than this moment. If he stayed on this island for no other reason, it would be so he never had to leave Christine behind again. |