My life is over. No, I'm not dead or even dying, at least not any more than we, all of us, are from the time we're born. In fact, using some definition of 'life' I might be around for a very long time more. Unfortunately, in my family, we tend to have very long 'lives'.

What I mean is, any hope I ever had of deriving any pleasure from life is gone. I should have seen it sooner, really. Like the smart little frog, I should have seen where this was going and given up and drowned. The stupid frog wins, someone saves him. No one's going to save me and frankly, I wouldn't want anyone else to save me. If I can't save myself, I don't want to be saved. And I can't. So, like I said. It's over.

You might ask what's changed since last night. Well, in a way, a lot of things have changed. It seems I will probably be stuck in this hell hole where I 'live' for - well, for as long as I 'live'. My one chance of getting out of here just vanished. I can't tell you exactly what happened, because it's still too painful. I don't even know the full circumstances yet. Chances are, I won't want to know.

Secondly, I had some other bad news. I can't tell you what that is either. You probably wouldn't understand, but it was the one thing I still had left to hope for, other than getting out of here.

It's time I face the facts. I'll never succeed in anything I try. I should have known sooner. I've been failing for more years than I like to remember. The truth is, I've never succeeded at anything after I left school.

Time to give up. Time to stop trying. Why should I set myself up for disappointment, when it's clear that nothing is ever going to work out? Each time I allow myself to hope, those hopes are crushed, sooner or later.

This time I should be smart and stop. Stop trying, stop hoping, stop hurting. Except that last one won't be possible. When I look at others around me the inevitable comparisons are going to show up. Why is she such a success when I'm not?

Of course, I only have myself to blame. I was born this way. Set up for failure from the time I was born. I've tried as hard as I've been able to try. As hard as someone like me is capable of. What a cruel joke.

I read somewhere that we, humanity, Earth, the universe, might just be one big simulation, created by some beings far more powerful than we are. In that case, i can only conclude that they did it out of spite. Doesn't everything seem like one big cruel, sadistic joke? To me it does.

So this is it. TIme to get smart. Time to finally learn from my life and take the consequences. Maybe it will hurt a little less if I stop trying.

Title: Lit
Author: faynia
Pairing: Gen; Gwen & Morgana
Word Count: 150
Warning: Minor Spoilers from 2x08
Rating: G
Prompt: adventdrabbles day 1 and merlinadvent day 1: using the prompt "The woman of Camelot!"

Lit

Today is World AIDs Day and I've been very, very lucky. I don't have AIDs and, partly because I'm so anti-social, only a few people I knew died of it. It has, however, transformed my world. It's changed the world for all of us.

I believe that AIDs and the 'net are the transformative events of my generation. For all Obama is, might have been, could be or was, his effects is minuscule compared to these two transformative events, the same for the Berlin wall, the collapse of Communist Russia, the Middle-East or all the other grand events, with the possible exception of global warming and the mass extinction we're in the middle of.

I believe that AIDs is pretty directly responsible for the current cycle of destabilization of Africa and that the consequences of it will continue to cripple that continent for generations. I also believe that AIDs set back sexual morality and affirmation, and that it has transformed sex and desire and our view of sex in sad and lasting ways. I also believe that AIDs crippled the 'men's movement' – to the point that there really isn't one, anymore.

If I could trade my life for AIDs never having existed, I'd do it without hesitation. I believe it's been one of the most destructive forces in a century.

One of the tragedies that I think is not often discussed, especially so many years after its beginning, is the loss of male mentors for men – particularly gay men. My partner mentions frequently that the men who died first and in largest numbers were the bravest of their time. The ones who were willing to step out of the closet, not ashamed of their sexuality and desires, the ones most willing to touch and be touched. That very courage killed them.

One of those men was Vito Russo . He died when he was forty-four years old, of AIDS.

He wrote the, Celluloid Closet a book that should be required reading for anyone interested in queer history, the presentation of queers in the media (and the way it has shaped public perceptions) and – as so many gay men became because they had no choice, a gay activist during the early, horrible years AIDS in the 80s. He was one of the co-founders of GLADD and active in ACT UP. He was a critical voice for gay men and queers in general.

My partner met Vito Russo and had a chance to speak with him. They ended up talking about classic monster movies (Frankenstein, the old Dracula movies etc) and how – as queer kids – they often identified with the monsters; isolated, outsiders, freaks and 'impure' and how those movies shaped and supported them through their growing up. My partner said, excited, that maybe that could be Vito's next book. The look he got in return was very tired and Vito Russo said: "Perhaps you'll be the one to write it" (paraphrased from memory).

Vito Russo died not long after. He should have had decades of life ahead, to teach, to write, to mentor younger gay men (and women and straight people and everyone), to live in the world and help change it. He didn't and we're all poorer for it.

1. My username is ______ because ______: amor_remanet; Well, back at the end of ninth grade, when I got my first livejournal, I'd been using Duanya as an online alias (still seen in my email address) and various forms of Sailor Moon-themed silliness as backups. Duanya came from a D&D character who got shot in the face and died; the Sailor Moon stuff was just me being an obsessive fan-nerd. Anyway, when I got to LJ, I wanted to do something ~different~ and ~new~… so I put my four years of Latin class to work and made up a Latin username. It translates to "love remains," which I thought was being Poignant And Cool… and then it just stuck and I'm too attached to change it.

2. My name is _____ because ______: "Kassie: a wild tl;dr monster" because, for ages, it was "Kassie, guardian angel of emo angsty boys" courtesy of something sherlock said on some snaps cup meme (I think it was a snaps cup meme anyway?) a while back, and as much as I loved that name, I thought a change was worthwhile. Also, I talk too much.

3. My journal is titled ____ because ____: "no, not the young people. they shall be spared." This is one of my favorite lines from the translation of Strindberg's The Ghost Sonata I read for Theatre History in my freshman year. Mostly, it's because I just really liked that line. Likewise, the subtitle is, "it could be worse! we could be stuck in the audience!" from one of my favorite lines in Muppet Treasure Island. (Statler and Waldorf are the figureheads on the bow of the ship. They're discussing how much it sucks to be stuck on said bow.)

4. My default userpic is ____ because ____: Linus and his blue blanket in A Charlie Brown Christmas, forlornly staring at the fail-tree. Because it's seasonal and I've been sort of feeling like the fail-tree lately.

Current Mood: pensive

This week I thought I'd share my Midsomer Murders fics. As usual, read the ratings and warnings.

Current Mood: optimistic

< brb > is not an acceptable HTML.

Using it whilst coding tables will not end well.

That is all.

Current Mood: sleepy

:D


This is seriously the only way to summarize how I'm feeling right now. Can't lie about it.

Title: Venus' Nipples
Author: faynia
Prompt: #305 (first prompt) by marguerite_26
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco
Summary: When Private Investigator Harry Potter is hired to investigate the strange behaviour of his client's wife, he stumbles into the last person he expected to find.
Warnings: n/a
Word Count: 10,000
Author's Notes: Oh mods, how I love thee, let me count the ways. Without you, and your patience and gentle (and encouraging) prods, I might never have finished this thing. ♥!

And a special thank you to both leemarchais and aislinntlc for taking the time to read through this and point out my many flaws. You're both the greatest!



Venus' Nipples is now posted over at hd_career_fair!

GUYS, LOOK, IT GOT POSTED. FINALLY. Awesome.

IT IS ONLY TWO MONTHS BEYOND THE DUE DATE. ONE MONTH SINCE THE END OF THE FEST. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS DONE!

I FINISHED THE HELL OUT OF THAT hd_career_fair FIC, AND IT IS DONE. EDITED AND SPARKLY AND DONE.

:D



The capslock was necessary. Sorry.

This week I thought I'd share my Miami Vice fics. They're based on the tv series, not the movie. You might wonder why I write fanfics based on an old tv series. The answer is DVD:s. A couple of years ago I found some cheap DVD:s at the supermarket and decided to buy four of them (at a very good price). Two of them contained a couple of episodes of Miami Vice. Right away, I was hooked. I really need to see the rest of those episodes.

Current Mood: sleepy

I have a morose in my heart place.



Comment below and I will tell you which of your characters that I've played against are my favorites and why I love them. Then repost this in your own journal.

Current Mood: sad

Current Music: brogue talking.

( Reply to lemursexbot - i.e., my apprentice - about critiques of my Prison City manuscript )
( Reply to dharma_slut about the LLF thread )
( Brief reply to yonmei )

"My biggest writing mistake is that I can't leave well enough alone. Even after the manuscript has come back from the various proof-readers I use, inevitably, the urge to pick a scab overrules all logical sensibility."

--C. Anne Gardner. Because, um, yeah.

( Background to my entries )
( Writing: Wordage and my Internet addiction (a look at the past) )
( Writing: My ability to write descriptions )
( Simplicity: And the computer file purge continues )
( Writing: More schoolboy fiction )
( Writing: The advantages of being blind, word-count-wise )
( Writing: Switching over to editing The Three Lands; plus, W. Somerset Maugham )
( Home: Fall leaves and gardening )
( Writing: Switching over to writing The Eternal Dungeon; plus, The Beta Reader Problem )

"Look, I do know this: stories matter.

"Sometimes they come to me in the middle of the night, I wake up and I know there was once a person with a name, a history, a life -- and sometimes they died a hundred years ago and sometimes they haven't been born yet, but they're so real, they're right there, like I can touch them. I write them, when I can, and grieve them often, in ways I've learned to be smart enough not to talk about.

"At times that bothers me, the silence I feel obligated to that comes with storytelling. It bothers me when I write, which is one manner of inhabiting a character, and it bothers me when I act, which is another. But I've learned to live with it because stories, and the people they are about, are, in the telling, more important than me.

"I'm just a translator, a medium, a canvass and a liar. Their stories matter so much that in the telling of them, all I can wish is to disappear.

"And I love them so much, the people I tell into being.

"Which means that when it comes to the business of awards my gut says, honor them. Not me. Not writers. Characters. Stories. Honor them."

--RM

( Background to my entries )
( Writing: Man, oh, man, I'm offline for a month, and the entire e-publishing world changes )
( Simplicity and Writing: My time online; plus, the Prison City stuff I found )
( Writing: For your amusement, the Nautical Telegraph Code )
( Writing: The Lambda Literary Awards discussions in the blogosphere )
( Simplicity: Getting back on track )
( Writing: Squee! My name was mentioned at Yule Treasure! )
( Home: What happens in today's society when you aren't geek central )
( REVIEW: Recommendation of Rudyard Kipling's 'Stalky & Co.' )
( Writing: Monthly totals )
( Writing: My Muse moveth )
( Writing: My Muse really moveth; plus, Rosemary Sutcliff and P. G. Wodehouse )
( Writing: My Muse slows down a bit; plus, turn-of-the-century romantic friendship fiction )
( Writing: Triumph! The Turn-of-the-Century Toughs world is now the Mid-Atlantic )
( Home: Reasons why I often feel I'm a conservative )
( Writing: Not-quite-good-enough writing )
( Writing: My unfocussed Muse )
( Writing and Mentoring: I've decided to make my winter schedule my year-round schedule )

"In the midst of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer."

--Albert Camus.

I'm posting separately this entry some medical problems I've been having recently. (Don't worry, they aren't life-threatening, just painful and annoying.) I figure that people who are interested in reading my Daily Life entries may not want to wade through tons of medical stuff, and vice versa.

( Background to my entries )
( My doctor and my wallet )
( Well, whadya know. I have a stress-related illness. )
( Pillows. )
( Tiny food. )
( Less talking, more progress )
( Sleeping and posture )
( Desk posture )
( Now my glasses have decided to misbehave (but wow, once they behave, life'll be great) )
( Yet another bodily complaint )

I pressed my Muse hard and persuaded him to finish writing Law Links (The Three Lands) today, November 8. I began writing that novel fourteen years ago, almost to the day: November 15, 1995.

By coincidence, this year happens to be the thirtieth anniversary of the original draft of the first Three Lands story I wrote, Blood Vow. In honor of that, I thought I'd show three versions each of two scenes from the novel, so that you can see how my writing has ceased being absolutely dreadful progressed.


( The first appearance of the Chara in 'Blood Vow,' just after my 16th birthday. Spoilers for Part One of 'Blood Vow.' Warning for bad teenage humor. )
( The same scene re-written one year later )
( The final version of that scene, age 45 )
( The first appearance of Lord Carle, in a passing reference, as part of a flashback )
( The second appearance of Lord Carle. Warning for a horrible simile. )
( The final version of that scene, age 45 )
( Journal entries about 'Blood Vow,' 1979-1995, with major spoilers )

I need help! I plan on writing a grand and glorious teacher!au fic for Merlin. My question is this: what is the hierarchy in the school staff in public education in the UK?

For example in public education in the US we have: support staff, special education, general education teachers, vice principal, principal, superintendent and other administrators, school board and upward into the state and national government.

I have attempted Googlefu to no good results.

Anyone know?

Lots of love,
Me

Title: Russian Roulette
Author: x-tricks
Fandom: Torchwood, Jack/Ianto
Notes: this is part of the fucked-up universe that Falling belongs to. People are very screwed up here and doing unhealthy things. This story follows Falling. It also fulfills the 'gun play' square on my kink_bingo card.
Disclaimer: These imaginary characters, performing fantasy acts, belong to legal entities and not me - I'm real. More or less.

( Russian Roulette )

I don't like football, except for the lulz factor that comes from men in lots of padding falling all over the place, but in this case, I wholeheartedly approve of what they're trying to sell to me!