Totally Not The Hangover Characters: Happy Hogan, Pietro Lehnsherr, Clint Barton, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers. Setting: Good morning, Las Vegas Content: Shameless appropriation. Summary: The boys wake up after a bachelor party they don't remember. You knew this was coming.
The sun was unnaturally bright. It must have been too close to the earth and Tony hadn't heard his Identicard calling him to fix it. That was all right, burning to death didn't sound so bad. He turned his face away from it, squeezing his eyes closed and nuzzling his nose into the fuzzy softness that greeted him. How could something so inviting be so fucking uncomfortable? Nothing in his body felt like it was in the right place. His head was too big and he couldn't even feel his hands or feet. Reaching down to check if everything important was still there, he was confronted with something warm and feathery sitting over his groin, which he nudged experimentally before cracking one eye open.
That was a rooster. In his surprise, Tony instinctively jerked his head back, clunking it on the arm of the chair he was cradled in, startling the rooster into rearing up and flapping its wings. More surprised, Tony tried to get away from it before it pecked his eyes out and rolled off of the chair, sending the rooster flapping away to land calmly on his desk as Tony landed hard under it. Slowly, he raised himself to his knees to peer over the edge of it, narrowing his eyes at the animal settling down to go back to sleep in the warm sun. He was in front of his desk in his suite at the Stark Hotel, but the chair that was supposed to be behind it seemed to have been knocked over, and the chair that he had been sleeping on, Tony found once he slowly turned his head to take it in, appeared to be a bear. An actual bear skin, in the form of a chair, with paws and teeth and everything. When the fuck did he get that? It was way too bright for this. Glaring at the rooster one more time, accepting that it wasn't going to cause any trouble for the next five minutes, Tony sniffed and pushed himself to his aching feet. It really felt like he had gone four rounds with Steve without the Iron Man. He had to limp across the room, spying someone on the couch and hoping it was Pietro to ask him for a cigarette and maybe an explanation for the animal. It occurred to Tony half way there that he couldn't remember acquiring the bird, the bear, or this headache, and that was something to be worried about. He didn't get the chance to fully process it, though, before he noticed that it wasn't one person on the couch, but two, snuggled together as happily as Tony had been with his rooster. Clint's arm hung limply over the edge of it, and Pietro must have been suffocating with his head tucked between Clint's shoulder and the couch cushion, but Tony just couldn't disturb that domestic bliss. He tip-toed the rest of the way, bowing over Pietro to carefully pat his closest pocket for the packet of cigarettes, which was when he spotted them on the end table. Sort of. The package was there, and the cigarettes all over the table and floor, apparently all ripped in half. Okay, he could work with that.
With half a cigarette between his lips, Tony limped back towards his desk for a lighter, pressing a hand to his back to crack his spine while he did and feeling skin. It occurred to him to look down and absorb that he wasn't wearing the suit he was pretty sure he had arrived at the hotel in, but a hospital gown. He plucked the cigarette from his mouth to ponder this seriously, twisting to try to see his back, but it was breezy enough to confirm his worry. Scrubbing the heel of his hand over his eye to try to wake himself up, he continued towards the desk, spying the blinking voicemail alert on his phone. Maybe that would have some answers.
Giving the rooster all the space it needed, Tony lifted the phone to his ear and the cigarette back to his lips, then called the messages with one hand and searched the drawer for a lighter with the other. While the automated message played, he thought to check for his cell phone, but it must have been dead because he couldn't get it to respond to Extremis. Great, he couldn't even remember where he put it. Obviously, this new outfit didn't have pockets. Pulling his desk chair upright, he collapsed into it and tossed the lighter onto the desk, propping his feet up and trying to get comfortable. The rooster, startled again, stood up quickly then waddled towards Tony, stepping up onto his bare leg to scratch its way back onto his lap and settle as it had been when he woke up. Not wanting to spook it and, again, have his eyes pecked out, Tony just stared incredulously as the messages played in his ear. They were a series of mountingly bizarre reports from his hotel manager telling him, mostly, not to worry, the staff had the situation under control. Unfortunately, the casino had to be evacuated, but the source of the intoxicant had been located and measures were being taken to ensure it wouldn't happen again. By about the sixth of these unintelligible messages, Tony was staring dully at the couple on the couch, and noticed that there was something sticky and dark red smeared up Clint's hanging arm. Tony rubbed his eyes again and dropped the phone back into its cradle, unable to handle any of this news yet. Not without some coffee.
He took up the phone again to dial for room service, and while the girl who answered said his name with a gratingly bright cheer, she went on to anxiously 'remind' him that the kitchens had to be closed. Tony asked, "What?", but he didn't listen to her repeat herself; he had picked up a mug that he had spied on the desk and was trying to make sense of it. It didn't have any coffee in it, that was a major offense, but it did have a very odd portrait on it. Inside a heart, with script above it reading JUST MARRIED, Happy scowled at the viewer while a woman Tony didn't recognize next to him gave a practiced beauty queen smile. Mid-sentence, he hung up on the room service girl and squinted up at the second level of the suite where the bedroom was. Maybe Happy had some answers. And where was Steve?