COUNTESS ZERO (countesszero) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-08-29 11:40:00 |
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Current music: | Laura Nyro - The Thirteenth Confession :) |
RETROFEST ENTRY
Title: THE ADDICTION 13/14
Rating: NC-17
Author:countesszero
Beta:schemingreader
Pairings: SS/ES, SS/RL, SS/SB, RL/NT
Genre: AU, Drama, Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Challenge: Retrofest 2009 Prompt No. 05
Canon: Compliant with PS, CoS and 90% PoA compliant.
Wordcount: Approximately 4900 words
Summary: When Harry, Hermione, Ron stun Severus in the Shrieking Shack, they don't know there is a Sleeping Beauty Spell on the bed already. It interacts and Snape wakes up a woman. Remus who already is attracted to Snape finds this even more intriguing and begins to woo Snape.
Warnings: Incest, Heterosexual sex, (Child) Abuse, Drug abuse, Alcoholism, Mental illness, Non consensual sex, Sex with dubious consent, Gender switch, Attempted suicide, Character death (no main character)
A/N: At this point I would like to express my gratitude to schemingreader who has despite her very busy life supported me greatly in my first attempt of writing fanfiction.
I am sure this is a no-no but after Ch. 12, 13 and 14 were beta-read and corrected I went back and changed them. So should you encounter more than the usual amount of typos and errors - these are all mine. Apologies!
I am not a native English speaker. My mother tongue is German, so when I write in English I first form sentences in German and then translate them. In that sense please do not hesitate to point out mistakes or correct my English.
Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author is making no profit by this story.
Even hours after Lupin had gone he didn't leave the bed. The air around him and the bed sheets still smelled of Lupin and their lovemaking. He gathered them around him, pulling them close to him, like he would with Lupin if he were only here.
Lupin had enjoyed his body. Severus had been afraid that despite the potion he would not but Lupin had kissed and licked every inch of his skin, had rubbed himself on him, had bit his neck, sucked his nipples, had praised his arms, his hands, his feet, his arse, his breasts, even his ribs and his bony hips Lupin had caressed.
True, Lupin had also bruised him, left scratchmarks, hurt him, hit him in the face, yanked his hair, choked him and penetrated his anus more than once against his will. But Severus knew Lupin had done that because he loved him. If someone would go so far as to hurt him ... that must be love then.
The first time ... that had been his Lupin. But then the wolf had been awakened, and with each time he had gotten stronger and stronger, an angry, primitive animal. In the end Lupin - the wolf - had slapped him in the face and laughed, when Severus had tried to push him off. "Don't poison your lovers and then expect them to be kind to you, Snape." he had taunted him, and Severus knew he was right.
The vial almost slipped out of his shaking fingers. It took almost ten minutes to unstopper it, and he had to hold his right hand with the left to stop it from shaking and accidentally pouring the precious content over his pillow.
Sometimes his draught could do his bidding and bring him memories he longed for people he wanted to see.
Bring me Lupin. I want to see Lupin.
When the draught embraced him softly he opened his eyes and saw the white of the ceiling being broken into myriads of iridescent little mosaic tiles. They were tumbling down on him, in such a slow beautiful dance. The ceiling opened - or simply vanished - he gasped with delight - and he saw the night sky full with twinkling, little shiny stars. The walls of his room changed their texture. Cold stone turned into soft organza, liquified to milk. Faces emerged out of the wall, then other shapes followed: White hands reached out to him, birds peeled away from the wall like flecks of color and flew away into the night, then marble angels unfolded their arms and gazed down on him with sad, wistful smiles on their faces.
He could not move. He was lying on the ground, waiting for the images to reveal what he wanted to see.
Tall blades of grass shot up around him and swayed gently in the wind. He was lying on his back now, with his arms wide open. From the corner of the eye he saw the night draw itself together, black particles form a long, tall shape. He turned and saw the Whomping Willow rising, bigger and darker than he had ever seen it. It was entirely composed of black onyx tiles, the glittering branches were swaying forth and back, searching blindly for something to grasp, looking for something to hold and choke.
He could feel Lupin approaching. Soon he would come and lie beside him and together they would look into the night sky at all these stars and for a while all would be good. He would tell him jokes, and Severus would finally know how to answer them, and together they would laugh. Lupin would say: "I love you, Severus" and then Severus would smile and squeeze his hand and say: "I love you too, Remus."
With a smile on his lips he listened to the song of the earth, the grass, the sky and he was content.
The night made him see strange things. The bed sheets turned into a river bed, full with white pebbles. Then black ink seeped out between the pebbles and colored everything black.
The soft singing of the grass changed. The whisper that filled the night around him became urgent and sibilant.
Suddenly an invisible force grabbed his ankle and dragged him towards the black Whomping Willow. He screamed with panic and tried to scramble away. The serenity of the moment before was erased in an instant and instead he smelled dirt and blood and suddenly he knew how Lupin would come to him. He dug his nails into the ground, like a cat, still screaming, but he was pulled mercilessly closer and closer to the Willow. The grass was hissing at him but the words made no sense like prayers spoken backwards.
Then he saw the wolf twisting his massive body from underneath the Willow in strange jerky movements, dragging itself upwards, snarling, and growling, reaching with his claws for Severus.
Severus saw orange eyes snap open with blood lust.
Go away, make it go away.
And it was Lupin's gentle voice telling him: "But you called me. Why do you send me away?"
He found himself trembling and shivering. Oh, he was so cold.
No, not like this, make it go away!
He closed his eyes in agony.
When he glanced up again snowflakes were sailing down on him from a dull white winter sky.
The grass, the night and the werewolf were gone.
It was so silent.
Eileen's hand crept into his.
"Leave me alone." he said. "You died so many years ago. Why are you still here?"
She was lying beside him the same way she had when they had laid her out in the morgue, to wash her. A heavy, sallow mass of flesh and bones, her jaw slack. He scooted away from her, frantically, to the edge of the bed.
"I have no interest in conversations with the dead. Or with the apparitions of my own mind."
"Yet you keep holding me back." Her voice was so close to his ears, like so many years ago, when he was a child. "I am the only one who cares about you."
"I hate you. I always did. What you did to me was unforgivable." he whispered. He closed his eyes.
"God, I hate you." he said again. "You deserved to suffer for what you did to me. Do you understand? Do you hear me?"
"I know." she said. "But you deserve to be free of me. You have to kill me so you can forgive me."
She held something made from silver in her hand and pressed it into his hand: "Free yourself."
He closed his eyes.
When he opened his eyes again he was in the Infirmary.
"Severus?" somebody said. He wanted to see where the voice came from but found he couldn't turn his head.
"Lupin?" He felt dread, anticipation and hope all at once. Maybe Lupin was here? His Lupin, the real one. Not the cold, merciless man, not the wolf.
Black's face came into focus. Very faint memories tried to float back into his mind, but whenever he wanted to grasp them they evaded him.
Then instantly the world came crashing down on him, the harsh light insulted his eyes, the voices of the other patients, the scurrying of feet, even Black's breathing assaulted his hearing. His arms hurt.
The draught. He needed his draught. From the corner of his eye he saw his robes on the other bed.
"Black ... My head ache potion ..." he hissed. "In my robes."
"What?"
"In the right pocket. Careful, the cushioning charm is not on the vial anymore I think."
"Are you sure you should take this now?"
"I ... am in pain. The vial in my robes contains just a simple painkiller, harmless," he lied through his teeth. Oh, that pulling in his limbs was unbearable. Little parasites were crawling under his skin. They were gathering between layers of muscle tissue and laying their eggs. They were gnawing at his flesh.
"Oh, this one?" Black held his draught an inch before his face. A surge of happiness went through Severus. For a moment all pain, all discomfort was simply gone. His mouth watered. He would have snatched it away with his mouth like a rabid dog, bit through the glass and swallowed it, shards and all, if he were not completely unable to move.
"Yes, yes, exactly this one." Severus was aware that he sounded a bit too needy. But time was of the essence now.
"The one that Poppy examined and that contains a liquid solution of cocaine, with distilled enchanted aqua potentialis to enhance the effect - strong enough to put down a horse, no, let me correct myself, a whole fucking army of trolls? The one that would get you immediately arrested for possession and enhancement of illegal substances - THIS one?"
Severus looked away.
"Fuck off," he hissed but his teeth were chattering and all he managed was a furious clicking sound.
Black held his head and put a glass of water against his lips. He drank greedily realizing now how parched and thirsty he was. But at least he could speak.
"What are you - Are you my nurse now?" he snapped as soon as the empty glass had left his lips. "Trying to find a new purpose for your useless existence?"
"It was the only other job vacancy besides village idiot."
The lack of venom in Black's voice was suspicious.
"I would like to be alone now, off with you, join the other ghosts." Severus said. He would deal later with the fact that he had just added Black to his impressive gallery of ghosts. He closed his eyes and thought of Eileen.
When he opened his eyes again Black was still here. So, Black was an ill-mannered apparition, too ... not really a surprise.
Then Black spoke again: "Just so you know how fucked up you are. You wake up after being out cold for days, see your arch enemy sitting at your bedside, the very one you wanted to have sentenced to death, quartered, skinned and kissed by the dementors - and all you do is whining and begging for your drug. That's how fucked up you are." Warm hands took his head and forced him to look into Black's face. "Poppy paralyzed you for the time being. You are on anti-craving medication but you will still be going into withdrawal soon, and you might get some ideas like running off to your dungeons, and we can't have that now. You'll get yourself nice and clean and sober. No fucking coke potion for you."
He was flying, a golden snitch in the bright sunlight, whirring, merrily, he saw Potter on his broom standing up, flying towards him and taking him with him. Together they tumbled and fell, and he screamed, Potter's mindlessly delighted laugh ringing in his ears.
"I will remove your restraints when you promise me to be a good boy," Poppy said. Severus looked at his bandaged arms: "I am bandaged ... again. Did I switch gender again by any chance?" At that Poppy gave a short laugh.
As an adult Severus had never begged. Not for mercy, not for anything.
He tried to remember that even while he was screeching and clawing and pleading. The withdrawal from his precious draught reduced him to a spineless, sobbing heap. Nothing else seemed to come out of him, just "Please, please one drop." He couldn't stand up, he couldn't move, except for his involuntary spasms and seizures. His muscles contracted, pain pulling everything together and he spent hours, then days, contorted into a fetal position.
He had soiled himself again and the room filled with the stink of his waste, his urine, his vomit. The floor was smeared with it. Then someone mumbled and he saw a wand moving, and the mess was gone.
Oh, sweet blindness, someone sang. A little magic ...*
He was holding Lily's hand, at his mother's funeral. The sky was a dark, brownish gray. When she lifted her hand to brush her hair back he could see her engagement ring. He let go of her and she fell soundlessly into his mothers grave and when he peered after her he could see her falling down a deep black hole like Alice in Wonderland. When he turned away he heard the thud of earth being thrown on the wooden coffin.
Black the dog was soft, and furry and gentle. He crawled towards him and it was good to have something to hold against the pain. It helped him not be ripped apart by it. But even then he could not help to beg the dog - he knew Black the man was in there and could hear him, and - Black was sorry for his cruel deeds back then, wasn't he? - and maybe that could be of use now.
"Please." he begged shamelessly. "I am in the Shrieking Shack again. I am so afraid." And the dog whimpered and scurried closer, huddling against him, and then Severus added softly, almost in a child's whisper: "One drop. I only want the wolf to go away. He won't leave me alone."
The dog was silent now, but looked at him, with the faithful look that dogs have.
Severus closed his eyes, in pain, but also to conceal the raging hunger in them. He knew that his pupils were so small now, that his irises looked grey and glassy. "One drop alone will make the memory go away. I can face every memory, even the one where you used my spell against me - remember?" He made sure to stroke Padfoot. "But I can't face the wolf, I can't face Lupin now, I can't. Please."
The dog tensed for a brief moment, but then put his head back on the floor and refused to move. Hot white anger burned Severus from the inside out. He pushed and kicked the dog away: "You filthy mutt!" he screeched. "Get the fuck away from me. I'll fucking kill you."
The dog went quietly into the other corner but didn't leave the room.
Later Severus found himself in that corner, curled around Padfoot, shivering. His bones were breaking, his flesh was tearing. Something was inside him and was clawing it's way out, shredding his intestines, eating his heart, his liver.
Black took care of him. In his more lucid moments Severus wondered why it was Black of all people who was here with him, holding him, cleaning him, healing him, feeding him.
"You don't understand," he told him in those rare moments he could speak. "All my life I just wanted to come home."
He was blindly groping for Black who was sitting with his back against the wall, cradling Severus.
"Sh ... " Black said. "I know."
"I am sorry," Severus said stupidly. He clutched Black's grimy robes and repeated: "I am sorry." but Black only shook his head and made soothing noises.
How he had despised words as empty shells and had always - yes, always - striven to replace them with his deeds but it did feel so good to finally beg for forgiveness.
One by one all his ghosts came to him. - Lily and James whose lives had been such a short, brief moment, hardly a beginning. Lily's child, who had lost everything because of him and would be - ultimately - eternally alone. Dumbledore, who had forgiven him, over and over again, and who he had betrayed yet again. Tonks who was so strong and weak and young. All the children who would not survive the coming storm and whose lives would be wiped out without a care.
Eileen who he had failed to love the way she wanted to be loved.
Even Sirius, who once had been so proud and beautiful and who had emerged a living corpse with burning eyes after twelve, long, miserable years in Azkaban, and even Pettigrew, the stupid boy, who was scurrying around, still hiding, merely existing as a rat.
Even Lupin.
"I am sorry," he whispered to all the ghosts from the past, the presence and the future slithering forth from the shadows.
And he was.
"You know, you didn't even point your wand at me or insult me. Not once. I was actually a bit hurt."
Black sat in the chair again, playing idly with a cigarette in his hands, that he didn't smoke in the end but stuffed into the breast pocket of his jacket.
Severus noticed that his bed had been made and the room smelled clean. It was filled with sunlight.
It was the first day he woke up lucid.
"Black, why are you here?"
Black looked at his hands. Severus noticed how emaciated and old they looked.
"It's a long story." Black mumbled. "But the short version is: I am sorry."
Severus shook his head incredulously. "I don't want your apology."
He had wanted him dead for all those years. He would have gladly petitioned for Black to receive the Kiss, and more than once had asked Lucius Malfoy in the past to take action, but Lucius had refused repeatedly because if Black would have been kissed so would have been Narcissa's unfortunate sister Bellatrix. So Black had never died. He had stubbornly clung to life, year after year, waiting for his chance, until the moment presented itself and he could escape to annoy him.
He remembered the rage that had consumed him back then in the Shrieking Shack when he had seen Black. The fact that Black had been innocent for the crimes he had been sent to Azkaban for didn't matter. It never had. He had wanted Black to be guilty so badly.
All these years his hatred and his desire for revenge had warmed him, burnt like a bright fire in the darkness of his mind, had sung him to sleep every night and justified all the wrong choices he had made, but today, in this very moment, with his old enemy of a lifetime sitting in front of him with these wrinkly hands, his thin wrists, the watery blue eyes the absurdity of it all could not escape his notion anymore.
It really is over, he thought.
"I know you would rather go on and hate me. And you can, after all I can't keep you from it. But you see, in Azkaban I was thinking almost every day that, before I die, I want to tell Severus Snape I am sorry."
"Strange, I never had the impression that you were overly ... apologetic, Black," hissed Severus.
"There is a long version, too." offered Black. "Maybe if you'd like to hear it one day." Black didn't look up but searched his pockets for the cigarette he had put away a moment earlier.
"Spare me," Severus said, but his curiosity was peaked.
After a pause Black said: "I did it because he looked at you."
Severus looked up.
"In the train. First year. I wanted to make friends with Lupin. Then you came and he just looked at you."
"Is this the long version?"
"What? ... No, let's call it the extended short version, ok?" Black put the crumbled cigarette between his lips.
"You can't smoke in the Infirmary." Snape said waspishly. "This is a place where people generally try to get better. "
"Calm down, I'm not going to light it actually. I don't smoke anymore." But Black took the cigarette and looked at it with regret and sighed. "He always looked at you, and although he never said anything, I thought that he secretly admired you - you know for being smart and all that - and thought that I am just a dumb kid."
Severus could not resist. "Well, Black you are ..."
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to light this cigarette."
Severus smirked.