COUNTESS ZERO (countesszero) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-08-28 22:05:00 |
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Current music: | Sarah McLachlan - |
Entry tags: | retro fest |
RETROFEST ENTRY
Title: THE ADDICTION 12/14
Rating: NC-17
Author:countesszero
Beta:schemingreader
Pairings: SS/ES, SS/RL, SS/SB, RL/NT
Genre: AU, Drama, Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Challenge: Retrofest 2009 Prompt No. 05
Canon: Compliant with PS, CoS and 90% PoA compliant.
Wordcount: Approximately 4000 words
Summary: When Harry, Hermione, Ron stun Severus in the Shrieking Shack, they don't know there is a Sleeping Beauty Spell on the bed already. It interacts and Snape wakes up a woman. Remus who already is attracted to Snape finds this even more intriguing and begins to woo Snape.
Warnings: Incest, Heterosexual sex, (Child) Abuse, Drug abuse, Alcoholism, Mental illness, Non consensual sex, Sex with dubious consent, Gender switch, Attempted suicide, Character death (no main character)
A/N: At this point I would like to express my gratitude to schemingreader who has despite her very busy life supported me greatly in my first attempt of writing fanfiction.
I am sure this is a no-no but after ch. 12, 13 and 14 were beta-read and corrected I went back and changed them. So should you encounter more than the usual amount of typos and errors - these are all mine. and apologies!
I am not a native english speaker. My mother tongue is German, so when I write in English I first form sentences in german and then translate them. In that sense please do not hesitate to point out mistakes or correct my English.
Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author is making no profit by this story.
After a few sleepless hours Remus got up, careful not to disturb Snape, and dressed quietly. He was practiced in the art of quick and silent exits.
When he was at the door, he heard Snape: "Where are you going?"
"To my quarters." Remus answered, wondering if Snape had been awake the whole time, too.
Snape didn't say anything but his shoulders started shaking slightly and it looked like he was laughing or sobbing. He was lying on his front, his face buried in the pillow and in the crook of his arm.
Remus approached the bed again, unwillingly, as if dragged by an invisible force. His limbs were aching, the toxins of the potion sending shivers through his system. His bones were brittle and splinters were digging themselves into his flesh. Everything hurt.
He looked down on Snape, at the beautiful ivory skin, the delicately carved spine.
He could barely contain his disdain. How could Snape cry in front of him? Didn't he have any pride left? Tears were the weapons of the weak. And after what he had done - did he really expect sympathy?
"It's only the after effect of the potion. You'll feel better later," he said. His own voice echoed in his head. "You knew that, Snape. At least you should have."
Snape did not look up.
"You never had a thing for kindness. So I won't lie to you. You and I are going separate ways from now on." Remus wondered why he was so cruel now, so detached. He could not muster the energy to feel pity, not even anger, not anything, could not even pretend. The emotional and sexual high of the potion came at a price. The after effects were severe, the comedown a painful process. He felt empty and exhausted. He felt as if he would never ever feel warmth or comfort anymore.
"I won't report you." said Remus. "But Dumbledore might know anyway. Dark magic, even your pathetic attempt, won't probably go unnoticed."
He was tired.
It was time to go.
A sudden longing for Tonks' embrace and her warm, soft body filled him.
Tonks would make him laugh with her chatter and her clumsiness. Her firm breasts, her delicious smell would take his breath away and with her ability to enjoy herself and her unabashed enthusiasm for sex, she would not expect any emotional acknowledgment. Tonks simply was able to give without asking or taking. With her skilled lovemaking and her youthful body she would render this nightmare meaningless. With every touch, every kiss she would wipe the memory of this night away.
He withstood the urge to touch Snape one last time to say good bye. He could impart at least one last gesture of kindness but what good would it possibly do? It was kinder to let Snape hate him in peace.
Maybe kindness was the cruelty of cowards.
He walked out of Snape's bedroom, not once looking back, up the stairs leading to the surface, up to the light and away from the dungeons.
After a dreadful meeting in the headmaster's office that yielded no results whatsoever (for Dumbledore was absent and every meeting without him was condemned to inefficiency) Sirius insisted on going to Remus' quarters for a drink before taking off to Grimmauld Place again.
At first, Remus had wanted to depart immediately despite a comment from McGonagall about his frequent absences to avoid Snape at all costs. Conveniently Snape had to be absent from the meeting - Albus' orders. He was still a bit uneasy about Sirius being seen in public since he was technically not yet released from any charges. But Sirius had almost thrown a tantrum and Remus, feeling sorry for Sirius being holed up at Grimmauld Place most of the time, had given in. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and the youngest Weasley boy - Ronald - had joined them there and seeing Harry and Sirius both looking so happy to see each other Remus had not the heart to urge Sirius to leave.
Sirius had to give them firewhiskey, of course, bragging that he himself had been thirteen when he had had his first drink. (Remus did not remind him that he and James had been there as well, and had watched him wheezing and retching and turning alternately green and red.) Ron Weasley and Harry both took a sip while Hermione politely held her glass in her hands but didn't drink from it. Harry was smiling and laughing a lot with Sirius but now and then he also stole one or two uncomfortable glances towards Remus and Tonks.
"Are you alright?" asked Sirius who picked up the last glance.
Harry went red.
"It's none of my business." Harry said eventually. "But I was under the impression that Professor Snape and Professor Lupin are ..."
"You are right." interrupted Remus mildly," It really is none of your business."
Before uncomfortable silence could settle Sirius let out his barking laugh: "Let Harry talk, Remus. He's not a child anymore."
Remus pressed his lips together but said nothing. Instead he nodded.
"I just wanted to know if everything is all right with Professor Snape? Lately he just seems so out of it and I thought that the two of you were close, but now I see that you are not ... and ... ah ... it really is none of my business." Harry was even redder than before and looked as if he wanted to crawl into his firewhiskey glass.
"Professor Snape is going through a difficult time. He needs your understanding," Remus said, concentrating on the gentle tone of his voice.
Tonks smiled and pressed his arm, and the possessive nature of her gesture secretly annoyed him. Did she think she knew him?
"Did you ever tell anybody about that night?" asked Ron suddenly and everybody jumped, because he had been silent until then. "Something happened to him right? I mean one moment he was lying there and the other ... Maybe it's still the curse."
"You mean his behavior is caused by a curse that hit him three months ago? Poppy would know and she doesn't think so, right Remus?" Sirius replied smiling. The children hadn't been told about the exact nature of Snape's transformation.
"What do I know? - You and Professor Lupin know more about these things than I know." Ron said. "But he is behaving stranger than ever, and he looks like hell, ... I mean not that he was ever nice to look at but now he looks like a vampire ... or ... a zombie. Something dead the cat dragged in and ..."
Remus interrupted him, suddenly pale: "That's quite enough. I think we get your ... point ... " He went quiet.
Everyone went quiet. Ron Weasley closed his eyes.
"He is standing right behind me, isn't he?" he whispered, standing frozen.
"After making that assumption you should confirm its truth by actually turning around."
Harry and Ron both spun around at the sound of that voice to see Snape leaning shakily in the door frame, pointing his wand at them. They whipped out theirs, but Snape flicked his wrist in an almost careless manner and the wands flew out of their hands into Snape's. He looked so weak, so frail, that it seemed a miracle that he could stand, let alone cast a spell.
Sirius and Hermione turned around very slowly, raising their hands, Sirius without putting down his drink. Snape turned to Tonks and Remus.
"First substantial lesson in Defense Against Dark Arts this year, Potter," he said without turning his eyes from Remus, in a strange, thick voice. His breath was hitching, as if he had been crying. "Never ever neglect the warding of your own home." He smirked at Remus.
"Yes, sir," Potter gulped.
"And even then." Snape continued maliciously. "Never ever turn your back to the door, Weasley."
"Yes, sir," Weasley gasped.
Tonks stood up, holding her hands up, showing Snape her palms.
"Professor Snape," she said softly, approaching him. "Do you remember me? My name is Nymphadora Tonks. I was in Hufflepuff, 1984 - 1991. Please whatever it is you are upset about - let us talk about it."
Snape shrieked, and Remus and Sirius both jumped, alarmed at that sound, before realizing it was laughter. Crazy, lunatic, out of your mind sort of laughter ... but laughter nonetheless.
Interestingly Sirius still managed to take a sip from his drink. When Hermione threw him a disapproving glance he merely toasted her.
"You are a good man," Tonks said. "I know you don't want to hurt anybody. You were always a strict, but fair teacher."
Somebody - Harry or Ron - coughed.
Snape went white and gripped his wand more firmly.
"Stop taunting me," he said. "I can't abide you anymore. All the time, wherever I go. It's too much. Cease. Torturing. Me."
"Is this about Remus?" Tonks asked with a soothing voice.
Snape's face twisted into an ugly grimace.
"Don't say his name. You are not worthy, you slut," he hissed. He was shaking so badly that he had to steady his hand with the other. Remus got up, ready to draw his wand. Tonks held up her hand and stilled him.
"Okay, so you are angry at me. It's about me?" Tonks said. "Please help me understand. Talk to me, Professor."
Remus looked at her, astonished. He had known Moody was fond of her, and that she was supposed to be "brilliant", but to him she had been a lazy, clumsy girl, a talented and enthusiastic lover, not this fearless, calm person who kept her cool even when an obviously deranged wizard ... witch was aiming a wand at her.
Behind him, Hermione inched soundlessly towards her wand.
Snape directed his wand at her throat, summoning her wand effortlessly, again without taking his eyes off Tonks and Remus. She stared at him, suddenly empty handed. Snape's wand dug into the soft skin under her chin. Her breathing became shallow and panicked.
"No, Professor, no," pleaded Tonks, directing his attention towards her. "You are angry at me. If you must point your wand, point it at me. You don't care about the others."
Hermione's lips paled.
"Hermione!" Tonks called her. "Look at me."
And Hermione did look away from Snape, and then calmed down. Tonks grinned reassuringly at her: "It's going to be okay."
"You are all in it," Snape murmured, but he took his wand off Hermione's throat and directed it at her again.
"Severus," called Remus softly. He got up. "Listen, if this is about ..."
"Shut up," screamed Snape and sparks flew from his wand. Everyone except Tonks and Sirius took a step back. "All of you, shut up, shut up. SHUT. UP. I can't bear to listen to you any longer. There are too many of you. I need my peace. Don't you understand?"
Behind him Ron made a loopy gesture with his finger at the side of his head. Bonkers, he mouthed and Remus frowned. Hermione and Harry were looking at Sirius who regarded Snape with a strange expression in his eyes.
"Professor Snape," called Tonks softly. "Let us help, please."
Snape approached her quickly and pushed his wand at her throat.
"Quiet," he whispered. "You deserve to die."
When Remus and Sirius both shouted, Tonks raised her right hand and silenced them.
"Nobody deserves to die," she said sadly. "I thought you of all people should know."
"Beg me for mercy then, whore. You seduced him, to have a laugh at me. And he was in on the fun all along, wasn't he? As they all were."
Harry and Ron only stared at Snape in horror and confusion.
His eyes started flickering around again, and Tonks said: "Look at me, Professor Snape, please." His eyes snapped back to her. He started swaying, as if he was listening to music.
"Look into my mind. I understand you are very good at that. It is impossible to trick you, isn't it?"
Snape shook his head violently. "Hush, be quiet, I can't understand a word, if you don't shut up," he whispered hoarsely. His eyes were glittering.
"Please, Professor. Nobody here wants to harm you."
He kept shaking his head for a while but then he jerked it up, as if listening to somebody else. He cocked it to the side, and a small smile played around his lips.
"You are right, I guess," he said then, but not to Tonks.
And then he raised his wand and locked eyes with her.
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. Remus was looking at the wand in Snape's hand, that was now directed towards Tonks. He inched his hand towards his own. Sirius saw him and minutely shook his head.
Remus averted his eyes and looked at Snape again. Nobody said a word. Then Snape stepped away from Tonks. She smiled, but now Remus noticed with alarm, that tears were running down her cheeks.
"What have you done ..." growled Potter. Snape didn't even turn around but silenced him with his wand. Even insane he remained an excellent fighter, Remus noted.
"You love him," Snape whispered. Tonks hesitated, then nodded.
"Leave her alone," Remus said. "Whatever it is, let us talk about it ... Severus ..."
"Stop calling me that," Snape shrieked. Remus threw an uneasy glance towards Sirius, and oddly Sirius only lifted his glass in toast and shrugged, as if to say "Told you so."
"What do you know about me?" Snape demanded to know. He moved towards Remus who didn't answer. Remus was flexing his fingers.
"I know that you are a potion junkie. I know that you are not above in poisoning your lovers with love potions." he could have said, but he didn't say anything.
"That's right, you don't know a thing about me," hissed Snape voicelessly. It sounded like Parseltongue. "Who the hell do you think you are? You and your gentle, polite manners. Well, fuck you, Remus Lupin."
Remus flinched, although he thought that was probably a mistake.
Just come a little closer, he thought.
"Did you amuse yourself? Lying to me? Make me believe you are actually capable of feeling? While all the while you were fucking around, lying to everybody?"
"Professor," Tonks said calmly. "Please put your wand down. You know better than that."
"Shut up, girl," Snape said without turning his eyes from Lupin.
Remus looked into his eyes, waiting. One more step and he could reach Snape's outstretched arm.
"For you, love is just a good fuck, a wet cunt you can bury yourself in. Just cunts and breasts and cocks. For you love is about fucking, sucking, licking, kissing. A garden of earthly delights, where nothing you do or say has consequences. A convenience and nothing more. You think that others won't notice? Is that why you leave them? So they can't figure you out? Because after a while they do, don't they? You walk away from everyone, as soon as you get tired of them. That is why Lily never really trusted you and neither did Potter ... even Black didn't trust you. The three of them chose Pettigrew over you. This is the truth about you: Everybody likes you. But nobody trusts you."
He paused, his eyes wild, and now tears were streaming down his face. Remus couldn't bear the sight and had to force himself not to turn away, not to make a disgusted grimace.
"But don't you see that this love is destroying me? That it devours me? There is nothing left of me. I despise loving you, I despise not being able to let you go, not knowing how to. Don't you think I want to?"
Furiously Snape wiped his tears away and his gaze lost focus.
"I don't know how to let you go," he whispered. "For me love was never a garden." In this moment he looked very lost, like a child.
"Severus," said Remus. Snape was almost close enough. An inch closer and he could grab him.
"You have not the faintest idea of love, Lupin. But I will show you what love truly is," Snape said, his voice flat now and took a step back, out of Remus reach. Then he took a little silver dagger out of the folds of his robes. Remus heard himself gasp and moved back. The silver dagger gleamed viciously in the light. Tonks moved in front of Remus.
"No," she said. "Please don't do this to your soul."
But Snape, instead of attacking Tonks or Remus, stepped even further back. Ron and Harry moved towards Snape from the side. Snape of course was faster than any of them. He cast a Protego and Harry and Ron literally bounced back and into the wall behind them. Then he tried to disarm Tonks and Remus who were drawing their wands, with an Expelliarmus and while they managed to keep their wands they were distracted enough with having to force them back into their possession.
Snape let the sleeves of his robe fall back to reveal his pale arms, and with a swift cut he opened his own arm, lengthwise, slashed his arm right up from his wrist to the crook of the elbow, and bright red blood shot up into his face, then he cut the other arm in the same manner. The shield around him dimmed immediately. The magic drained as quickly as the blood from him.
He held out his arms to Remus, the silver dagger and the wand clattering to the ground, like a greek tragic hero. The blood spurting out of the arteries was so bright it looked artificial. Remus breathed in the smell of it, he couldn't help it. The heavy, metallic scent wrapped itself around him, making him almost dizzy and drunk. The blood was singing to him.
Someone screamed.
"This is love, Remus. Love is not a fuck. Love is not a joke. Love. Is. Not. Fleeting. It is pain and desire and want, it is consuming and it is lasting. It is nothing like anything you think is love."
Remus was paralyzed with the smell. It overpowered him and he almost lost his balance.
"Fuck!" somebody - Ron? Harry? Sirius? - yelled. Sirius brushed past him, pushing him roughly out of the way. He staggered back and bumped against his armchair.
Sirius?
Everyone was moving towards Snape who underneath the smear of his own blood was almost translucent like skimmed milk and went down on his knees, thin red spurts pulsing out if his wounds. It was actually a beautiful sight, the wolf in Remus murmured, entranced.
"Go get Poppy. NOW." Sirius growled at Ron with the strangest look in his eyes. Ron obeyed instantly, obviously glad to have something to do, glad somebody talked to him and caused him to snap out of this stupor, and bounded towards the floo, slipping on the blood on the floor.
"Harry, I need bandages."
Harry aided by Hermione cut his robes into stripes and scourgified it for good measure. Like hers his eyes were also wide with shock and his face was ashen. "I think I am going to be sick." he mumbled.
Hermione who had taken her wand again, pointed it at his wounds. She murmured something and frowned when nothing happened and the blood continued to spurt.
"He spelled the dagger, the wounds won't close with a simple spell, and very likely the blood loss is also non reversible." Sirius cleansed the wounds, once, twice and Snape twitched. He began bandaging Snape's right wrist with astonishing skill, applying the right amount of pressure."Don't I know you, you deranged little Slytherin." he muttered under his breath.
Tonks kneeled beside him and helped with the other arm.
Hermione and Tonks cast a warming spell, and Sirius additionally summoned Remus discarded robe from the armchair and draped it around Snape.
Sirius whispered something into Snape's ear and stroked Snape's pale face.
"Cold," Snape whispered.
"Yes, I know. That's the blood loss and you going into shock, you stupid drama queen." Hermione aimed her wand at Snape once more, obviously to reinforce the warming spell. Sirius glanced up to her and nodded his thanks. She nodded back, bewildered.
" ... Black ..." Snape whispered again as his eyes glazed.
"Now is a good time to skip the whole Black - Snape business, what do you say? Hi, I am Sirius. Nice to meet you," said Sirius under his breath, still pressing the wounds. "What the fuck is taking Poppy so long?" he yelled to Ron.
Ron shouted back from the other room: "She had to get her emergency kit, and is coming through now."
"No, I mean ... All ... everything ... around me ... is black ... " Snape whispered. "Let ... me ... go ...."
"Shut up," said Sirius, and his voice was so strange and thick. "Hush now, you fucking diva. You always have to make a fucking opera out of everything, don't you?"
He held Snape gently and rocked him slowly. "Stay with me, Severus," he murmured.
"Ha ..." breathed Snape and lost consciousness. Then Poppy was here at his side, looked at the bandaged arms and nodded approvingly. The pool of blood covering the floor was an enormous black puddle.
"Well done, Tonks, I assume," Poppy said and kneeled at the floor. Tonks shook her head, and breathed slowly in and out. She tried to control her adrenaline, Remus realized, an auror trick in stress situations.
"He spelled the knife, so this won't be easy."
"I know, the daft bugger," Sirius said hoarsely. Hermione looked at him.
"Then point your wand now." Poppy commanded without any further explanations. Sirius obeyed instantly obviously knowing what was to come. Tonks summoned her wand and moved to stand beside Sirius. She put her right hand on his shoulder.
"Granger, Weasley, Potter, Lupin ... Don't just stand around. Help me here. Your wands, and speak after me. I have to remove the bandages otherwise I can't see where to mend. We have not much time." With a movement of her wand the bandages came undone and the cuts fell open.
"Plagae eius curare debes." She said. Her wand emitted a deep honey colored beam and enveloped Snape.
Sirius repeated her words without any hesitation. Before Poppy could speak again he continued on his own.
"Non perdignus sum."
Poppy looked at him, surprise in her eyes. His wand emitted a golden light joining and strengthening Poppy's beam. Particles of light were floating loosely about them and towards Snape. Poppy and Sirius were sweating now, her brows knitted together in concentration, his face a grim mask. She took his hand and together they traced Snape's open wounds with her wand.
"Consanesco eum te imploro."
And all of them repeated her words, pointing their wands at Snape and the light curled out of them filling the room, and it got so bright for an instant that they all had to close their eyes and then it vanished, seemingly into Snape, who arched up, then went limp again. The cuts had closed but not seamlessly. A pale glowing string held them together now, sewn into his skin by magic. He looked like a nightmarish mechanical doll.
Exhausted Poppy sat back. "Why, Mr. Black." she said finally. "I never knew you had it in you."
"Ah, Madame Pomfrey, I never say no to a bit of good old foolish wand waving."
Poppy gave a little laugh, brushing back a lock of gray hair back that clung to her forehead.
"Thank you, Mr. Black."she said softly.
She gasped when Sirius lifted Snape. "Careful. The wounds are not completely closed yet."
"I only look like an idiot, but I am actually not. I got him ... I leviated him just to be safe but he's not heavy at all anyway."
Sirius stood up and carried Snape out of Remus' quarters. Remus looked intently at Sirius trying to see his eyes but when he passed, Sirius looked away.
Poppy, Hermione, Ron and Harry followed him. Finally Tonks also got up in her blood splattered robes and walked after them as well.
Remus stayed behind.
It occurred to him that he had never really known Sirius Black.
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