Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2007-10-18 11:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | fic: pg13, resurrection fest |
Week Three: Day Four
Well, it's Day Four already in your super-soaraway Week that is known as Three.
Imagine that!
So...today's offering is... go on, have a guess.
A poignant and heart-warming love story, full of delicate imagery? No. Try again.
A multi-layered dark, violent and disturbing tale of passion? Nope. Last chance.
A piece of AU daft, fashioned entirely from dialogue? Correct! How did you guess?
Here, have a prize *hands you crisco, from westernredcedar* Sorry it's not a very good prize, but it's the only one we have here at Team Week Three. Anyway, 'least said, soonest mended,' as my Gran used to say, so without further ado, on with the fic.....
Title: Everything's all Write. (I know, the titles are getting worse. Sorry 'bout that!)
Author: blpaintchart
Rating: R (to be on the safe side, but if you're expecting heaving mucky man-sex, you'll be disappointed. Again)
Disclaimer: You mean I'm not the owner, and I'm not making any money? *jaw drops*
Word count: 800 approx
Notes: I'm going to dedicate this to lore, for being such a lovely mod, and not kicking my sorry arse out of the comm (yet!)
Summary: Do you want to know who REALLY wrote a certain set of wizardy books?
“Well, that’s it. The last page.”
“Finished? I can’t believe we finally finished it!”
“Indeed we have.”
“We’re going to be millionaires!”
“Make that ‘multi-millionaires’, Remus.”
“Now, you’re certain the publishers want to buy the rights to all seven?”
“Yes.”
“And the sales of the first three books are still going strong?”
“If by ‘strong’ you mean that they have made a permanent home in the best seller lists, then yes, they’re still going strong.”
“I just can’t believe it! We are a phenomenon!”
“Indeed we are.”
“Do you know what else I can’t believe?”
“No, but I expect you’re about to tell me.”
“Nobody we know has worked out that we are characters in these books.”
“That daft idea of simply swapping our surnames around has worked.”
“It certainly has, Mr Lupin.”
“That’s dark anti-hero Severus Snape to you, Mr Remus Snape!”
“That’s cuddly, brave werewolf Remus Lupin to you, Mr Severus Lupin!”
“People are mind-numbingly stupid.”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
“I’m sorry that we had to use a pen-name, though.”
“We’ve already discussed this a hundred times.”
“I realise we need to protect our identities, but it would have been nice to be able to claim authorship.”
“Anonymity is best, at least whilst we’re still teaching.”
“But we won’t be teaching for much longer. Not now that we’re millionaires!”
“Multi-millionaires, Remus.”
“First thing on Monday, I shall resign from Hogwarts comprehensive.”
“And I shall tell the esteemed faculty of Riddle Grammar where they can stick their Latin verbs.”
“I didn’t think your school was so bad, Severus.”
“Indeed it is. We simply have a smarter uniform, a greater choice of violent sports, and our bullying little toe-rags enunciate properly.”
“I wonder what everyone will think?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, what will they think when we pack in our jobs and reveal that we’ve been writing bestsellers together.”
“And living together.”
“And having wild, passionate, vigorous, kinky, bone-melting sex together.”
“Well, if you don’t want them to know about the last part, we could always get married.”
“Pardon?”
“Once you’re married, everyone assumes you can’t be arsed with an interesting sex life.”
“Oh, I can’t believe that, Severus.”
“I think you’ll find it’s true.”
“Severus, I’ve been thinking about the latest book.”
“Yes?”
“Are you absolutely sure we want to kill off our Snape and Lupin?”
“I’m certain.”
“Really? I’ve become quite fond of them… us.”
“Remus, if we don’t kill them, we’ll just have to write more stories.”
“I suppose so.”
“And, frankly, I’d much rather take our millions and do something else now.”
“Oooh. Like what?”
“Well, I haven’t formulated the full details yet, but I’m sure it involves the two of us, a private Carribean island, gin slings and leather.”
“Mmmm. Corsetry and chocolate too?”
“Perhaps.”
“Right you are. Sod our fictional counterparts then!”
“Indeed. I think we ought to add some kind of epilogue; make it quite clear that there will be no more books in the future.”
“My mind’s moved to bondage equipment now, Severus. I can’t be doing with writing an epilogue.”
“Well, I’m no good at that saccharine stuff! The fighting scenes were my forte!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll set it as homework tomorrow. One of the Weasley kids is bound to come up with something we can use.”
“You’re not just a pretty face.”
“And you’re not even a pretty face!”
“That’s true enough.”
“But pretty is vastly overrated.”
“It will be such a relief to be rid of that irritating boy wizard.”
“The children are fond of him.”
“Yes, the children are fond of him. But we’re not writing children’s books for sodding children, Remus.”
“Aren’t we?”
“No. Haven’t you noticed that from the second book onwards, the themes are getting darker? There’s an increasing interest from adult readers now.”
“Well, in that case, we shouldn’t have removed that chapter from book three.”
“Which chapter are you referring to?”
“You know, the one where my character, Remus Lupin, is in his office with the boy wizard and your character, Severus Snape brings him the potion.”
“That chapter hasn’t been removed.”
“No but the ending has; don’t you remember in the original the boy left the office and your Snape tears the robes off my Lupin, pushes him down on his knees and forces his cock in his mouth…”
“…Before shoving him roughly against a door and fucking him blind. Yes, it’s coming back to me now.”
“I liked that chapter.”
“It was one of my favourites, too.”
“Pity we couldn’t have it published.”
“Couldn’t we?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, there’s always the internet. That’s the home of lovely mucky porn.”
“Brilliant! We’d need a fresh pen-name though; can’t call ourselves ‘JKR’ this time.”
“Very well, let’s see. How about ‘_lore’?”
“Yes! That should work nicely.”