Carter Gray (gotluck) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2012-10-14 11:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, carter gray, daisy hughes |
WHO: Carter Gray and Daisy Hughes.
WHAT: HONESTY TIME.
WHEN: Sunday, October 14th, around 12PM.
WHERE: In the quad somewhere, idk.
WARNINGS: Cursing because lol Carter. Also, OMG THIS IS SO LONG.
STATUS: Complete.
Carter sighed, staring down at his phone with silent resignation. He did not want to have this conversation with Daisy -- he was fairly sure he knew how it would end. But Mariana had seen what had happened the night before, and more importantly, had threatened to tell her if he himself did not. Although Carter’s regular response to this sort of relationship drama (he did not want to call it that, but what else could he call it?) was to flee, he knew that he couldn’t do that at IVI. The campus was painfully small, and running from his problems simply wasn’t a choice; instead, he would have to confront them. Hands in pockets, he leant against the brick wall of the dormitory building. It was a brisk day, but the fresh morning air reminded him of spring in New York City -- a city he would have given anything to be in right now. The door opened, and Carter glanced up. “Hey,” he muttered upon catching sight of a familiar patch of golden blonde hair. "Hey," Daisy answered back, a nervous smile spreading across her face as Carter came into view. It wasn't that she was really happy -- in fact, she was slightly terrified of any conversation that started with a "can we talk" text -- but the smile was instinctual. Even after a week of mood swings and intermittent silence, it still made her happy to be with Carter. "Missed you last night," she said quietly as she approached his side. Standing next to Carter, Daisy had to look up at his face. She placed her hand gently on his arm and wondered if he would kiss her. Carter's mood throughout the week had been dismal, but at the very least, he hadn't given Daisy the same treatment that many of his friends and teammates had received. She knew that Lo's comment had struck a sensitive nerve, but she didn't know how to make things right -- every possible solution she might think up had the possibility of backfiring, giving Carter a reason to push her away completely. And so she had tread lightly, even when he'd disappeared from pub night. Saturday nights had almost always been shared between the two of them. But if Carter needed space, Daisy would try her best to give it to him. It wasn't exactly as if they would ever truly hurt for time together at IVI. "Everything okay?" Pushing himself off the wall, Carter nodded towards the cobblestone pathway ahead. “Wanna take a walk?” he said, ignoring her question entirely. In truth, he wasn’t entirely sure what to say. Carter had never broken up with a girl before, never had a truly serious conversation about feelings with anyone aside from his friend Peg. He had always chosen to simply disappear when things got serious; but this, like everything else at IVI, would be different. Strolling slowly down the path beside Daisy, he let a few minutes pass before he said anything. “How was the rest of pub night?” "Fine, I guess," she shrugged. In truth, she'd spent most of it worrying about Carter, wondering where he was and whether he was truly okay. "Nothing too interesting. Did you just head back to your room and pass out or something?" Daisy knew that he'd been drinking a lot; it would have been difficult not to notice. But like with everything else, she'd let him down drink after drink without question, giving him the space to do what he wanted without needing to feel like he had a nagging girlfriend looking over his shoulder. It was hard for Daisy. This wasn't the kind of relationship she was used to -- heck, she'd never even had close to anything that could have properly prepared her for Carter. It was unexplored territory for him, yes, but it was new for Daisy too. “I --” Carter stopped walking, turning to look at Daisy. The quad was deserted, but Carter was still afraid of how Daisy would react -- whether she would yell or scream or, worst of all, cry. He stepped closer, hesitantly reaching for her hand before deciding it would simply make everything that much more awkward. Instead choosing to fold his arms across his chest, he opened his mouth to continue. “I...need to tell ya something.” Any pretense of a smile from Daisy was now gone. Her eyes darted down to Carter's nervous arms before glancing back to his eyes. As always, she displayed her emotions in plain sight, worry and fear written across her face. "Okay," she said, trying to sound confident and relaxed even though it was clear that she was neither. "You can tell me anything." Restless and agitated, Carter found that he couldn’t keep still. He dropped his arms to his side before raising them again to run his hands through his hair. Daisy’s expression did not help matters -- she already looked so worried, and he did not want to see her even more upset. “I didn’t go back to my room,” he started. “After pub night? At least, not right away?” His voice was hesitant and unsure, every sentence sounding more like a question. "Okay," Daisy said again. She thought about reaching out and taking his hand herself, but nerves held her back.. Instead, she too crossed her arms, biting her lower lip as she did so. "So... where did you go?" “I -- well, so --” Carter could not find any words that would make this easier; he knew there weren’t any. Deciding to just bite the bullet and tell her the truth, he sighed, rubbing his face agitatedly. “Daisy, I hooked up with Lo.” She winced at the words. Of course, she'd mentally prepared for them -- or some version of them -- many times before. Although she had tried to ignore Carter's protestations that he would eventually hurt her, it was impossible not to occasionally imagine the worst. On more than one occasion, Daisy had run through the list of possibilities in her head -- Vi, Coralie, Carmela. Lo. But she hadn't really expected it to happen. Maybe -- clearly, rather -- that had been naive. Daisy had been convinced that Carter cared about her. Now, though her conviction had taken a severe blow, she still thought that he did. "Why?" It was the only thing she could think to ask, her voice soft. Daisy was stilling the panic. She would undoubtedly get a rush of emotions soon, but for now there was only a confused pain in her chest. Taking a small step backwards, Carter pulled his eyes away from Daisy’s face, choosing to stare at the ground instead. He did not want to see the effect his words had had. “I don’t...know,” he muttered in response, running his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time. “I don’t know.” That wasn’t, in fact, entirely true. Carter did know why he had done what he did, despite the alcohol-induced haze that surrounded the events from the night prior. He had kissed Lo to prove that he did not care for Daisy, did not care about anyone at IVI, but instead -- their exchange had had the opposite effect. He felt guilty, guiltier than he had ending any relationship before. But these were not feelings or thoughts that he could express -- that he even knew how to, really. "You don't know?" Daisy repeated Carter's own words. There were a million questions she suddenly wanted to ask him -- what was the point of telling her this? Why hadn't he tried to keep it a secret? Was he breaking things off, or did he want her forgiveness? Did all of this have to do with that stupid conversation he'd had with Lo on the network? Daisy wasn't stupid, she'd been able to put two and two together and realize that Carter was isolating himself in order to prove (to Lo? to himself?) that he hadn't changed, that he didn't need other people. Frustrated, Daisy brought a hand to her face and rubbed her forehead. "Carter," she said finally, "I've given you room all week. I haven't pushed you to tell me what's going on, y'know? I've tried to make sure you knew that you could talk to me when you were ready, but -- " she sighed, trying to calm the rising tide of emotion that was now pushing to be released. "I don't get it. Do you really just not want to be with me? Is that why?" In fact, Carter wanted quite the opposite. He did want to be with Daisy, was sure of it now more than ever. But he knew that it would be selfish of him to continue whatever this was, to drag it on until he inevitably fucked up again. He recalled Allegra’s words from when he had first kissed Daisy -- that liking Daisy was the very reason he shouldn’t try anything with her. He now knew that it was true. He did not want Daisy to be as upset as she so apparently was, he did not want her to ever be upset because of him. He sighed, still staring stubbornly at the ground. His shoes were dirty and muckraked, but right now, they were a much preferable sight to Daisy’s face. “I told you I’d fuck up. I always do.” Daisy felt her cheeks get hot and she closed her eyes, trying her hardest not to cry. She felt like yelling at Carter. She held back the urge, knowing that it wouldn't be helpful. Daisy was trying so hard to be rational and cool-headed -- it occurred to her that everything they had together now hung precariously in the balance. She was beyond angry at him, but as furious as she might be, she was even more frightened of the idea that this might be the end. That Carter would simply be able to write her off as one more failed attempt at relationships, or worse, that she would go down in his life as one more person who proved to Carter that he was nothing more than a fuck-up. And so, blinking back her tears, Daisy was the one to finally bridge the gap between them, stepping closer to Carter and reaching out, once again letting her hand fall upon his arm, though her touch was light, almost afraid that he might pull away. "I'm not yelling at you for fucking up, Carter," she said, allowing herself to repeat his own swear word. "I'm not going to say that I'm not mad, or hurt, because like, I am." Her voice cracked. "But I'm asking you why. Because that matters to me. Because I care about you so much, and I want to understand. Did you hook up with her because you like her more than me? Or like..." her voice trailed off and she had to close her mouth, swallowing hard. The words were left dangling in the air. Hearing Daisy’s voice break, Carter winced. Unwilling to look at her, but feeling as though he had to (that she deserved it, if nothing else), he glanced up. “No,” he said quietly. “No, I don’t like her more than you.” Despite the events of Saturday night and the week prior, the truth was, Carter did still like Lo; she reminded him of Peg in so many ways and so she was a bit of home to cling to, even if everything else at IVI was different. She understood him in a way that Daisy would never be able to. But that did not mean that Carter was attracted to her -- not in a way that was anything but purely physical. He breathed in deeply, meeting Daisy’s hazel eyes with his own. She was not crying (yet), which he took as a positive sign, if nothing else. “I’m sorry.” It was not an answer to her question; that he did not quite know how to give. But it was the truth. Daisy closed her eyes again but she she didn't pull back the hand that was lightly resting on Carter's arm. Instead, she moved even closer and rested her forehead against him, as if Carter was a wall to lean on. It felt strange -- she was angry, she felt horrible -- but Carter was still the first person she most wanted to comfort her, even despite the fact that he was the one to blame for her pain. She took a deep breath of her own before looking back up at him. "Did you sleep with her?" Some might argue that the specifics didn't really matter, but they did to Daisy. Although Carter was inclined to put his arms around her, he did not, instead keeping his arms firmly by his sides. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing, what proper protocol here even was. Daisy’s response wasn’t the anger he’d been expecting, but whether this quiet acceptance was better or worse, he did not know. “No,” he said, in response to her question; this one, at least, was easier than the others. “We just hooked up.” Carter did not want to go into detail about what they had or hadn’t done; he did not see how that would make this any better. And so he left it at that, standing oddly stiff with Daisy’s head upon his chest. "Okay," Daisy responded for about the tenth time in so many minutes. She was very aware that Carter hadn't made any move to reciprocate her touch, but it didn't seem to matter. She didn't want to pull away, and if this was the end, then she wasn't ready to let go of him yet. She wanted to ask Carter what all of this meant for them, but somehow she knew that he was looking to her for the same answers. She didn't have them. Not yet. "I don't know what to say," Daisy finally spoke again. "Like, I'm angry? And I'm hurt, and I hate that you did it, because I really thought that things were goin' good. But I just... I mean, what do you want? Because I feel like you're just like... testin' me? Like you're pushing me away just like you've been pushing everyone else away, to see if maybe I don't really care that much after all, or something? But I do care, Carter. I told you that I don't want to be with anyone else but you and I meant it." Daisy's vision blurred and she looked down hastily, her head once again making contact with Carter's chest as she tried to hide her tears. "But I want you to want it too," she said, her voice muffled. Daisy might have hidden her tears, but she could not hide the telltale wetness Carter felt seeping through his light cotton tee. Feeling even worse -- as if that was possible -- he hesitantly lifted a hand, resting it gently on her shoulder. What he wanted to say was yes; yes, he did want it, that he did want her. But this wasn’t the same as what Carter believed he should say. “I know you care,” he said at last, pulling her gently away from his chest so he could see her face. “But I don’t...want you to.” Carter brought his thumb up to rub at a tear at the corner of her eye. “Because I’ll just do this shit again, and I’ll just make you cry.” “I don’t want you to cry, Daisy.” He paused for a beat. “Not because of me.” Looking at Carter just reminded Daisy about how intensely she cared for him -- that she loved him, really. It was painful, and the feeling of his hand on her face only caused another tear to roll down her cheek. "I'm not crying because of what you did," she said, bringing a hand to her face to wipe her own eyes. "I'm just -- I don't want to lose you. That's what hurts." This was why Carter did not break up with girls, and certainly not in person. The emotional fallout was something that left him feeling guiltier than any string of angry voicemails ever could. He bit his lip, unsure how to phrase his response. “You’d find someone else, you know,” he said at last. “Someone better.” He shrugged, attempting a halfhearted smile and striving for levity he did not feel. “And it’s not like you could lose me, really, blondie. We’re stuck in a forcefield.” His smile was not returned. Daisy looked at him, her tears subsiding as she took in his words. Was this it, then? She felt helpless -- helpless and confused, a rational voice inside asking why she was trying so hard to hold on to someone who seemed determined to cause her pain. That voice was mostly drowned out by the way she felt, as it always was when Daisy faced matters in her personal life. Not only could she not imagine life at IVI without Carter, she could hardly even remember what life without him had been like. She stared up at him, her heart beating fast in her chest against his ribcage. Daisy moved back only slightly, knowing that if she was going to say what she wanted to say, she needed to be standing on her own two feet. "I don't want anyone else. I wanna be with you. I don't want to have to deal with things here without you. And I don't want you to have to be alone when you have awful days or weeks, not when you have someone right here who loves --" the word caught in her throat and Daisy blinked, fear gripping at her for only for a second before she pressed on. What did it matter if it sent him running now, anyway? He was already running. "I love you, and there's nothing you can do to change that," she said, feeling more immensely vulnerable than she ever had with Carter. She took another step backward, separating herself from him completely. "So if you wanna end this, there's nothing I can do to stop you. But you don't get to say that you're doing it for me." If there was one word that terrified Carter more than anything else, it was “love.” With all its heavy emotional connotations, the mess and pain it could cause, the disappointments it always brought -- “love” was one thing Carter distanced himself from as much as humanly possible. But as he had said to Daisy, where could he go? They were stuck in a forcefield, and there was nowhere for him to run to. “I -- you can’t just -- this isn’t --” Carter broke off, trying to gather his thoughts. Running a hand through his hair (it truly was a nervous habit he could not break), he tried again. “You don’t love me. You can’t.” It’s only been a month and a half, he wanted to add. I’ve ignored you for half of it, I’ve treated you like shit. But he found himself unable to say these things, because in all honesty, his own emotions were jumbled, too. He did not think he loved Daisy, for all these same reasons (how could you hurt someone you loved?), but he had also never been in love before. Was that what this was? He did not know. Stupid romantic comedies always made the realization of love come as some big fucking epiphany. Fountains would spray, fireworks would fly. But that hadn’t happened -- Carter certainly hadn’t had some big, jawdropping, awe-inspiring moment. For fuck’s sake, he couldn’t even ask her to be his girlfriend. How could he love her? More importantly, how could she love him? Rubbing his forehead, he sighed. “You can’t,” he repeated, his voice a soft murmur. "I do," she assured him, her voice regaining the slightest bit of confidence. She felt panicked, like she was standing on the edge of an ever-widening precipice, but Daisy was at least sure of what she'd said. There were all sorts of technicalities involved when it came to being 'in love,' but Daisy knew that her feelings for Carter were more than just casual affection. She did love him -- the fact that she hadn't slapped him for hooking up with another girl was proof enough of that. "I know that probably freaks you out," Daisy added quietly. "But if you're going to end things, you need to at least know that it's true." It just made things worse. If, in truth, she did love him (and Carter wasn’t certain she did, that she could) then the pain he’d cause her later on would be that much worse. He knew this, but staring at the wide-eyed girl before him, he found he could not quite articulate it. “You shouldn’t,” he muttered softly. “That’s what I mean. You shouldn’t.” Daisy shook her head, blonde hair falling down across her face. She mimicked the gesture that Carter had already made so many times during their conversation and ran her fingers through it, nervously pushing it back. "I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what you want, Carter." Lifting his hand, he reached forward to rest it on her shoulder. He fingered a stray lock of her hair, much as he had done the very first time they’d kissed. “I don’t know what I want, either,” he said, his gaze intent on the golden hair between his fingers. He raised his eyes, meeting Daisy’s. “Don’t you see?” he said, dropping his hand back by his side. “Don’t you see how that’s only gonna hurt you?” Carter rubbed his eyes; he was getting a headache. His thoughts were a goddamn mess. “Fuck, Daisy,” he sighed. “I tell you I hooked up with another chick, and you tell me you love me?” It was a valid question -- one that Daisy didn't necessarily have an answer to. She certainly hadn't planned any of this. She hadn't even wanted to let herself fall for Carter in the first place, because Daisy knew herself. When she fell, she fell hard. But it was too late to take any of the last 6 weeks back. They had happened, and Daisy's feelings for Carter were real. It even seemed like the more Carter insisted that they could never work, the more she was determined to prove him wrong. "I just want you to realize that is about more than just like, me meeting someone better or you having drunk hook-ups." Daisy's voice was wounded. When she continued on, her words came slowly -- they were resigned, not angry. "Like, yes, people get hurt in relationships. That's just like, what happens. But the good parts are supposed to outweigh the bad parts, y'know? I know that getting close to people could get me hurt, but I do it anyway because the chance that you might be hurt someday is like... it's the risk you take for getting to be with someone." Kicking at a stray pebble on the ground, Carter sighed. It wasn’t that he disagreed with Daisy’s sentiments, but he wasn’t sure how he could respond. What could he say that hadn’t already been said? He was fairly certain that this wasn’t how a breakup was supposed to go. People didn’t usually argue when their significant other ended a relationship, did they? Did people fight for the ones they (supposedly) loved? Carter didn’t know; no one had fought for him. He was in uncharted territory here, unsure of what step to take or which direction to go. He had no map for relationships, and certainly no such map for “love.” What the fuck was he supposed to do? Deciding that the only course of action still open to him was simply being as honest as he could, he muttered, “And what if I do it again?” Daisy let out a breath. She felt exhausted and defeated. "I don't know, Carter." It was her turn to look away now, and her eyes strayed out to the perimeter beyond campus, toward the lake. "I guess I hope that you won't want to do it again. But I don't know. I don't know how to like, look ahead that far right now." “I just --” Carter broke off, thinking of the best way to phrase what he wanted to say. He took a step forward, resting a light hand on Daisy’s chin and turning her face towards his. “Listen, blondie,” he said gently, his voice resigned. “I just think you should...take some time. To think about whether this is what you really want.” Carter paused. “I’m not sure if...” you’re thinking that clearly, he almost said, before biting his tongue. That wasn’t what he meant; furthermore, it sounded fucking patronizing. “I’m not sure if you would -- that you will -- once you think about it.” He let his hand drop back to his side. He was putting it back on her again -- Daisy almost protested, frustrated that Carter continued to refuse to take any ownership of the situation. But she wasn't sure what was left to say. She didn't know how to make him realize that if their relationship -- and undoubtedly, that was what this was -- was ending, it was because he didn't want to be with her. She hated that he was making it out to seem like it was the other way around. "Okay," Daisy said. She reached and took his hand in her own, giving it a small squeeze. Daisy suddenly felt very tired; the day no longer seemed fresh and bright. "I don't want to argue with you. I just -- " She looked up into his eyes. "I just don't want you to give up. Not if you really do like me. But okay." “I do,” Carter replied, rubbing his thumb gently over her hand. “I do like you, blondie.” It was an understatement, of course; Carter was not sure what he felt for Daisy, but there was no denying that there were strong feelings there. “I just want you to be sure that you still like me. And I think that’s gonna take some time to figure out.” It was not a breakup, not as such -- Carter had found he did not have it in him to end things entirely, even though he knew that it was somewhat selfish. But it was something, and it allowed Daisy the time she’d need to process what she was saying, because in truth, Carter did feel as though she wasn’t thinking completely straight. How could she be? Who wanted to be with someone that was so obviously bad for their emotional wellbeing? Letting go of her hand, he thrust his own into his pockets. “I’m gonna head to the gym. Should I -- do you want me to walk you somewhere?” "Um..." Daisy looked around, looking like she might be lost. She certainly felt lost. "No, I'm just going to go back to my room, I think." In truth, she would probably head directly to Hunter's room, but that didn't seem like necessary information for Carter to have. "We'll talk later?" Carter almost asked if she was sure that she didn’t want to be accompanied, she looked so woebegone. But he had said she needed time, and the only thing left was simply for him to give it to her. “Yeah,” he replied. “We’ll talk later.” He smiled, although he did not feel happy in the least. Giving her a little wave, he turned around and started walking towards the gym -- all he wanted now was a way to work out his tension and frustration. This conversation had not gone at all how he’d expected, but it had left him with a lot on his mind. And although he was sure that Daisy’s proclamation of love was a fairly empty one, it had opened to him the possibility that he, too, might have stronger feelings than he’d believed. Of course, these were all thoughts that would remain unsaid, if not forever, then certainly until the future of their relationship (because even Carter knew that there was no calling it anything else, not now) was no longer at risk. |