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_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-21 23:56:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: Sirius and James^Knap
What: Sirius ages back up
When: Aug. 22
Where: James' room
Warnings:ANGST.

His chest hurt. That was the first difference that he noticed. The happiness and simplicity that had filled him for the past few days simply dissipated, replaced by the hollowed sensation. It was tinged with that dank bitterness, with a sensation of perpetual longing. He hadn't known it was there until just -- he had known, known for awhile, that he was different from the other Siriuses. But this was something more than that. This was being different from himself. This was a far cry from the boy of sixteen he had been, and it was strange, to be both himself and to be aware of how terrified he had been of the future that had been stretched out before him.

And it hurt just as much now, to be sitting here, here, his mind riddled with holes, aware of how much he had lost, but also aware of all the mistakes he had made at sixteen. He was hit hard by the memory of what he had said to Lily -- he knew now how much he must have hurt. And Remus -- fuck, Remus.

He looked to his left, at where James had been sitting -- and where he was still. And even that caused the dull ache in his chest to grow, because he remembered how much love he had felt for James, how absolute he had been in his declaration of being brothers. And he couldn't feel that anymore -- even though now he wanted it back more than anything, he had destroyed something between them, something incredibly precious, and something he wasn't sure he could replace.

"Jamie," Sirius said before he could stop the word, a nickname that he had used for James one predating even Prongs. His voice came out broken, and he was crying before he could even stop himself. He hated crying. Always had -- had never seen the point. But his emotions were so deep, so conflicting, that he couldn't even think about stopping himself. He pressed a fist tightly against his face.

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staghearted
2012-08-22 04:42 am UTC (link)

This world hadn't been nearly as confusing or rough on James as it had been on some of the others. He didn't like that it had upset Lily, or that he'd had to explain Sirius's future to him, but he hadn't minded being five years old, nor had the transition back been particularly painful. He was alright, mostly, getting better as things progressed with both Sirius and Lily; he was even handling his future son being here quite a bit better than he'd expected (the argument over which of them was Batman when they were both children notwithstanding).

And it should've been weird to hang out with sixteen year old Sirius as himself, probably, but it wasn't; hanging out with Sirius at this age felt as natural as it had at five years old, all it took to feel normal was for the sentiment to be reciprocated.

He would have been far too distracted by being best mates again to even notice the countdown ending, if it hadn't been for the fact that it brought with it the change in Sirius. James was looking right at him when it happened, and it was like the flip of a switch: Sirius went from young and carefree to the older, tense man he'd been before this world. James didn't even have time to put a name to the feeling that rose in his chest at the sight before Sirius crumbled under the weight of everything coming rushing back.

But he wasn't entirely gone. James had never believed Sirius was really gone anyway, but the nickname made it obvious; it tugged at his heart, and he gave in to his instinct and wrapped his arms around his best mate in a tight hug, fingers curling into Sirius's shirt as if he could keep him younger and happy through sheer willpower alone. He couldn't, of course, but he could hope that it would help anyway.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 04:54 am UTC (link)

He didn't even think of pulling away when James touched him this time. For the first time since arriving in the compound, he didn't mind it. He leaned into James instead, burying his face against James' shoulder, and ignoring how weak the entire situation made him feel. It hurt -- because until this point, he'd just been working toward being more normal, but he now knew what he was missing. And he missed James and he missed Remus -- and he missed himself, in some sort of strange away.

He gripped at James just as tightly, because he didn't know what he was supposed to do now, what he was supposed to say. He couldn't even bring himself to stop crying and was scarcely able to catch his breath at the moment.

"I'm sorry," he managed to get out, and whether it was for sobbing into James' shoulder, or for everything else, even he didn't know.

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staghearted
2012-08-22 05:10 am UTC (link)

James had always hated seeing the people he loved upset, and the very worst thing about everything Lily and Sirius were going through was that he couldn't seem to fix anything without hurting them, too. The amount of heartache he felt at Sirius's breakdown made his eyes sting as well, and he closed them, tightening his hold on his friend.

He understood it better now, that was the painful part. Or at least, he understood that Sirius saw what had happened to him as a betrayal to James; if he'd thought that when he was sixteen, there was a good chance he thought that now, too. That was, James assumed, what Sirius was apologizing for. Or part of it, at least.

It hadn't felt like a betrayal on James's end; the only people he held responsible were the Lestranges. He knew, without question, that Lily and Sirius never would have turned against him of their own free will. Their will had been taken away from them, that was the point. It hurt, but he wasn't going to hold that against them.

"You're my brother," he said, voice rough. "You'll always be my brother." He had intended to say more, perhaps to offer forgiveness, but the lump in his throat closed over and he couldn't get it out.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 05:22 am UTC (link)

Sirius couldn't help but cry all the harder when James answered him -- because he remembered all to clearly the conviction he'd spoken with when he'd told young James that they were brothers. He hadn't even thought it was something extraordinary he was saying at the time. It was just fact in his sixteen-year-old self's life.

"I fucked everything up," Sirius said -- and he had. He'd thrown away so much of his life. What should have been the best times spent with Lily and James and Remus, he'd lost all of that. Surrendered it to a lifestyle of hatred and darkness, content to look in the mirror every morning and see some twisted version of Bellatrix looking back at him. And he'd fucked everything up here too, nearly burned every bridge that he'd started to repair, with the exception of the one that he had with James.

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staghearted
2012-08-22 05:37 am UTC (link)

"No," James said. "You didn't fuck up. They fucked you up, Pads." He said the nickname without thinking, because he'd been using it all afternoon, while Sirius was sixteen. This Sirius, the one he was holding, was still Pads to him, still his best mate, still his brother, just as Lily was still his wife. But a moment later he remembered that Sirius had told him not to call him Pads, and remembered that he couldn't transform anymore, and cringed. He didn't know if it was still anathema to Sirius or not, or whether it was acceptable to call him that now. Just in case, he said quickly, "Sorry."

His cheeks were wet now too, though he hardly noticed; he felt sympathy, and yet he felt a strange kind of relief, too. It seemed to him that this breakdown had to happen for them to get anywhere; they had to realize how much they were broken before they could fix things properly. And that made it feel hopeless sometimes, but James kept holding on even tighter, determined not to let their brighter future slip away from them. He would drag Sirius back out of the darkness, come hell or high water, and everything would somehow be alright again. He was James Goddamn Potter-- or James SuperNinjaBadassAwesum Potter, as he'd called himself when he was five-- and he willed it to be so.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:07 am UTC (link)

"I let them in my head," Sirius argued, and his voice was lower now, more rough. Because he should have been better -- he had been so convinced when he was sixteen that he wouldn't let anyone separate him from them, and there was no reason that he should have given in. He knew Bellatrix. He knew the wicked games she was willing to play, the depth of the darkness that filled her. He knew that she would want to get back at him. And so why had he ever believed them?

He didn't even notice the use of Pads, or the subsequent apology that it drew from James. He was too intent on his own whirlwind of emotions

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staghearted
2012-08-22 06:28 am UTC (link)

"Don't be stupid, you didn't let them in," James said. He had never been one for self-blame, at least not nearly as much as some of his friends; he was quick to give himself the benefit of the doubt. And he was even quicker to give his friends the benefit of the doubt, especially when they were burdening themselves with guilt. "You put up one hell of a fight, and we both know it."

He didn't need to know what had happened to be absolutely certain of that. Sirius was a fighter, a rebel; he wouldn't just let someone like Bellatrix Lestrange inside his head. He'd let James in, but that was different. Somewhere deep down, Sirius had to know that James could be trusted. Deep, deep down; deep enough that it hurt to dredge all that back to the surface. But it had taken years and a hell of a lot of magic to get Sirius into this state, and he still wasn't beaten into submission.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:44 am UTC (link)

It was hard to say --so hard to say because he couldn't remember anything that had happened. He didn't know what they had done to him, or what had eventually made him give in. He didn't even know how well he was behaving for them; if a memory had floated to the surface in the short time he was here, who was to say that Bella didn't have to keep pressing them back down? It didn't make it much easier though.

"I miss you," Sirius confessed, pulling away so that he could look at James properly, tucking one hand behind James' neck. And it was absurd to say that he missed him, because he was right here.

But they weren't who they had been when they were sixteen -- and maybe that was what Sirius really meant, that he missed who they had been, what they had been, when they had been that age. That summer he had come from -- it had been just them. Sirius tasting freedom for what felt like the first time, and the ease of being with James all the time, a brother declared true. He didn't know any of that anymore.

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staghearted
2012-08-22 06:58 am UTC (link)

It wasn't absurd to James to hear that Sirius missed him when he was right here; he had missed Sirius for years, and yet, had never missed him quite as much as he had since Sirius had shown up. It was completely maddening to have him here and not here at the same time, to look at him and see none of the camaraderie returned. Now at least the longing for it was reciprocated, and that was a start, even if it was painful.

"I'm right here, Sirius," he said, hands still on Sirius's shoulders even after his friend had pulled away. He managed a smile, though it was admittedly teary; he felt the tracks the teardrops had left on his cheeks, but made no move to wipe them away. "You don't have to miss me anymore. I'm not going anywhere." He squeezed one of Sirius's shoulders, in a way that he hoped was reassuring. "We'll get it back, everything that we had. Even with who we are now. It's not gone."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-23 01:16 am UTC (link)

Sirius nodded as James spoke, because he didn't know what else to do. It seemed impossible what James was saying. It didn't seem if there was anyway to regain everything back -- but then, James was absolute in his belief. Sirius knew that (he remembered just how stubborn James could be when he set his mind to something.) And the future was on their side, too. Celeste was proof of that -- and Fleur said that things got better eventually. There was no reason to not believe, but Sirius still felt lost.

"Remus and Lily are going to be pissed at me," Sirius said, trying to change the subject. There was something of a smile on his face, but it wasn't genuine in the slightest. He glanced away from James for a moment, brushing one of his eyes with the side of his hand.

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staghearted
2012-08-23 10:49 pm UTC (link)

It was alright that Sirius didn't believe it. That was half of why James was so stubborn about believing it, to be perfectly honest; someone needed to be optimistic, to keep them all from being dragged down by hopelessness and despair. Sirius and Lily had had quite enough of living in fear and confusion, and the process of coming out of it was hard, but it was for the better. There was so much to be gained, and (he hoped) very little to be lost.

"For what?" James asked. He knew about what had happened with Remus, vaguely; he knew that something had happened while they were younger, but he didn't know the details. Dealing with Sirius was very complicated for Remus, far more complicated than it was for James. But he hadn't noticed anything happening with Lily.

He lowered his hands, but shifted over to bump one of his shoulders companionably against Sirius's instead. Things were complicated between them, too, but the only thing James really wanted and needed was to be friends again, with whoever Sirius was now. There wasn't anything they couldn't sort out, if they could figure out how to get that back.

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