So yesterday I opened a letter addressed to this household which could answer every single problem my wife and I have- the big and small alike.  Seriously.  According to this letter, our monetary problems, our minor relationship quabbles from time-to-time, our family issues- they can ALL be solved. How can this miracle be achieved, you ask?  Funny you should mention miracle.  Evidently, it's through the amazing power of an 8X10 piece of printer paper called a "biblical faith handkerchief" that was sent to me, along with some literature I shall present here for your... perusal, by The St. Matthews Church.  Here's the letter they sent (all bizarre, inexplicable text fonts and embellishments are theirs, not mine, with the exception of italics.  I saved those for my... commentary):

As a minister for more than a half-a-century, I've read and reread, in the Holy Bible, how God instructs ministers to send Bible faith handkerchiefs to people's homes, and, as a reult, miracles of blessings occur.

HERE, I LOAN YOU, IN JESUS' HOLY NAME, THIS PAPER, BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN FOR YOU (ACTS 19:11,12)...

Dear...Someone Connected with This Home, Who Needs Prayer and God's Divine Help and Blessings...in The Name of the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit, (But hey- we're not picky.  Money is money, ri- uh, I uh , we mean *souls* are *souls*.  Yeah, that's it)

     We've been on our knees, praying over this address and someone connected with it, because we feel someone connected to this home needs God's help and blessings. (Just out of curiosity, does my address show up on Google Earth with a big 666 on it or something?) One of our ministers is over 90 years old, another is 89, and several are in their 70's (How this relates or matters to the first sentance is beyond me, but hey!  I know I can talk to this curch NOW, `cause evangelical guys who were my age during WWII know *exactly* how to relate to me!).  Together we have more than 200 years of experience as ordainied ministers, helping people who need prayer.  And, God is doing great things every day at this half-a-century old church.

     As we prayed, the Holy Spirit said, "If you want this home to be blessed, mail a biblical faith handkerchief like the Apostle Paul did, at Acts 19:11,12, where miracle blessings began when people used these blessed handkerchiefs." (Apparantly, The Holy Spirit sent them a text message.  It did not mention how much postage Paul had to pay, however, when he mailed *his* 8X10 printer paper handkerchiefs) Here, let me read what God's Holy Word says about these Bible handkerchiefs: "And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul: SO that from his body were brought unto the sick H-A-N-D-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F-S or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them." ACTS 19:11,12.

     My father had a bad drinking habit, and he could not stop.  I sent one of these to my Baptist mother, and it flat stopped Dad from a bad drinking habit.  It works! (Well... to be fair, my Mom going insane from a domineering and cult like religion then using the prayer napkin to soak in boric acid and shove down my Dad's thorat when he stumbled in from the bar was what actually worked, but she used the prayer handkerchief!)

     Here is what I ask you to do, in Jesus' name...(1) PRINT YOUR NAME AND YOUR MOST PRESSING PROBLEM, BY FAITH (By faith??  Huh?), IN THE CENTER OF THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF.  Yes, that's what I said...print your name, by faith (I fuckin'  understood the words you wrote, asshat.  What does "by faith" *mean*?? ENGLISH motherfucker, do you speak it???), in the center of this church handkerchief AND THE NAME OF SOMEONE ELSE WHOM YOU REALLY LOVE THAT NEEDS GOD'S HELP.  Print their name under yours. (So that our databases can find them too! MUAHAHAHAHA!!)  (2) Then, OPEN YOUR BIBLE TO THE BOOK OF ACTS, CHAPTER 19, VERSES 11 AND 12, if you have a Bible.  If not, it's okay.  God sees. (The REALLY Big Brother (3) Then, LAY THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF (with your name printed in the center of it) ON THIS SCRIPTURE.  (4) Leave it there under your side of your bed for TONIGHT ONLY! (Apparantly, the dust bunnies have Underneath My Bed booked for *tonight* so the Handkerchief has a limited venue)  If you can't, God will see your situation, but we would like you to sleep over it.

     In the morning, please take this faith handkerchief out of the Bible, put it into this self-addressed envelope (the church will pay the postage for you - this is so important (So important it's worth the senseless destruction of countless trees for an almost negligle chance on return!  Fuck the trees!!  It's not like God made them for any purposes that WE can think of, except lynching blacks, homosexuals, and witches from) ) and return it to us in the morning.  I repeat, please do not keep this faith handkerchief, and please do not break the flow of God's spirit from my home to your home (Resend this to everyone you know or you will not find love again for 3 years).  Rush this Bible, church handkerchief back, for I must write something, in the spirit, to you that's good and is coming to your door.

     Now, when our 56-year-old church (Ya know... the *Catholic* Church has been around for ohhhhhhhh... almost TWO THOUSAND years- give or take a century or two, the Lutheren for 1500 years.  Ya MIGHT wanna brag a little less) recieves this Bible handkerchief back from you (with your name on it), we are going to pray a special prayer for a special miracle blessing for you.  I am asking you right now to pray about sowing a biblical seed offering unto the Lord. (But... I thought doing that was dirty and sinful and stuff?? Now you want me to give it to God??  Ewwwwwwwww!) As your faith leads you to sow a seed gift to the Lord's work, give God your best seed (Okay, really, this is getting uncomfortable.  Stop asking me to whack off) and believe Him for His best Blessing (St. Luke 6:38).  Get out a seed offering and give it to God as your seed toward your harvest (AAAAAAAAAUGH!  Stop it!  Stop saying "seed!"  I was raised Catholic!  You have no idea what kind of guilt your dealing with!!), and toward the work of Jesus Christ, for this is the work of God that this church is doing (Galatians 6:7). (Yes, there's nothing quite like assembling little bits and pieces from all over a book to make it say what you want, is there? According to the dictionary "I am ruler of the planet.  You will all bow before me." So uh... get to the bowin' people) Please follow the faith instructions in this sealed prophecy.

     I feel, in my heart, that I must pray for you right away.  I don't know if something has happened, is happening, or is about to happen (But thank God He's given me this remarkable insight to the paths and secrets of time!  No really!).  I know that the Holy Spirit is in this spirtual letter and is speaking to your spirit now while you read these words (He's saying, "Post this on your LiveJournal so you can mock it to others."  Yes, Holy Spirit!  Right away, sir!).  Please obey the Holy Spirit and let God's blessings be bestowed upon you.  Only break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow.  If you are not going to return this Bible Handkerchief, then this sealed prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is of a spirtual nature (and again... because if you don't, true love will never find you in life again.  Now resend this to all everyone in your address book).

     We are waiting, as a church, on this faith handkerchief back from you, with your name printed in the middle of it and the name of someone you love printed under yours (St. Matthew 18:19).  You are holding a church, Bible faith handkerchief.  Go and place it in the Bible, if you have one.  If not, it's okay.  God sees.  I believe the windows of heaven are about to open for you and your needs.  Mail it back immediately.  We're waiting.

  Wow.  That was really something, wasn't it?  Truly inspiring and spiritual and stuff.  But folks, that wasn't the best part.  The BEST PART (whoa.. they've got me doing it now) I mean, uhh... the best part was the series of boxes I could check to better clairify what I need God to dole out of his Almighty ATM for me.  Things like:

(  ) To Be Saved.
(  ) Confusion In My Home (I am unaware why they think I'd need this, unless they suspect a homosexual in my home and they feel the best thing to do is confuse the poor, misguided soul with The Gay to keep them outta wickedness.)
(  ) A New Car (please cue the Price is Right Guy and the applause sign)
(  ) Please, especially pray for this person:                                      (Were I to send this back, I would defiently make the response "My and my wife's girlfriend.  She's having a rought time too these days.")  
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd my personal favorite
(  ) Pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $                          (I don't think God has the funds available in his account to spare for what I'd need right now.  I mean, do ANY of you understand what the power bill for the Universe is?  Not to mention his Every Soul On The Planet Cell Plan.  This church has got ALOT of nerve offering up a negotiable sum like that, if you ask me).

Of course, since the Dust Bunnies have the underside of my bed booked tonight, I've lost my window on the whole prayer napkin thing.  Ah well... I guess I'll have to just believe "God sees" or something.  *sigh*  Hopefully I'll be lucky and the Almighty looking down will be a benevolent Entity who bases its decisions on the light and purity of a heart and soul, rather than a covert procedure involving compressed wood pulp planes, bribes, and empty platitudes.  Here's hoping.....