LJ-SEC: (ORIGINALLY POSTED BY tsukino_rei)

((I originally posted this in my personal journal a couple of weeks ago. But I've been spending some time reading the DarkChristian community and have come to feel that this might be a safe place to share my thoughts. I really hope it's not offensive to anyone. Oh, I tend to ramble... and I may well have a teensy bit of bitterness that peeks out from time to time so I appologize in advance))


Well, hopefully my posts will come a little more frequently now. I've been feeling rather more communicative of late. =o)

More specifically, having spent quite some time torturing myself by tearing down and reforming my entire worldview in mental solitute I've rather come to terms with it all.

Putting it all into words would take more than a few posts. But I guess I want to start. This will be the first time I've told anyone other than Andrew, my beloved and supportive partner.



I suppose it began with realizing that when Christians are taught to shun 'the devil' in the form of controversial books, or films, or really anything that expresses beleifs contrary to that of the Church, when we are told to avoid things that make us question because we are in danger of being led astray, when we are taught to ignore questions that do not seem to have answers and set us at ill ease until such time as we can ask God ourselves ; When we (I) are told these things we are really being told to fear knowledge and learning. I realized, through extensive reading and study using methods taught to me at a School that trains people in Ministry, that the Bible teaches rather the opposite. I realized that the Bible that Christian's are supposed to base their beleifs on not only allows, but mandates all people to question, to test and approve, to 'weight the wheat against the chaff'. I also found myself drawn to the commands to fear not, 'God has not given the spirit of fear, but of peace, understanding, and a sound mind.' And, if the Christian Scriptures are to be beleived then it is quite impossible for 'the devil' to snatch anyone out of God's hand.

This felt true, and good.

Thus, I reasoned as one who beleived in the Christian God, that if I prayed for wisdom and guidance it would be granted. And that if I prayed to be protected from being unwittingly led astray as I learned of the world and of the beleifs of others that I would be protected. I asked for truth, and the strength to accept that truth regardless of where it led or what pain it brought.

I began reading about other religions from the point of view of those who beleived them, rather than from the point of view of those who feared them. (Those of you who have not tried this might be surprised to learn that Wiccan's are not Satanists, and Satantists do not actually injest or otherwise harm children.)

The things I learned left me elated, and feeling so very free. The very act of learning, reading and learning and studying anything I wanted without the fear of wondering if it was a sin or what the leaders of my religion would think of it was just so wonderful. I even had, though many 'believers' may be horrified that I use this phrase, a peace that passed understanding. Such freedom!

I didn't get struck down by lightening. No demons plagued my dreams. I felt no sense of wrongness or evil. I felt no inner check or warning from the holy spirit of God. I was liberated.

I frequented sites like the ULC forum (a place where people of greatly varying religions discuss their ideologies), and whatthehellishell.com, and reluctantmessenger.

I read lots and lots of books.

I was interested in varying beleifs, opposing beleifs, and in observing their similarities and points of agreement.

So much agreement. I don't mean superficial things like love your neighbour and don't kill and maim eachother. I mean genuine passion, faith, seeking with all their hearts and minds and souls and every quality we are taught is possitive in Christ and to strive for. The meat and soul of all these beleif systems held the same passionate grasp for Spiritual Wholeness and Spiritual Intimacy... this is probably not described all that well sorry.

The assertion that Christianity is the only Religion of System of Faith that has a loving, personal God at the head is simply not true.

I also found that spellwork and intercessary prayer are bedfellows. I found that Monotheism and Polytheism really aren't all that different from eachother.

Classic Monotheism - One God, (in Trinitarianism divided into or represented in three forms), served by lots of Angels, Powers, and Principalities that have various forms and functions over a material realm.

Polytheism - As seen in Vodun (voodoo) and many other ancient religions, One God, served by lots of little gods or lesser gods (clue- they didn't have a word for angels), that have various forms and functions over a material realm.

I'm sure you can see where I get the sense of similarity...

But before I learned most of that, I learned something else quite startling. Have you ever been in a psychology class that performed a certain experiment involving playing a cassette tape backwards? If you have, then you know that you could take any tape at all and play it backwards and if I told you it said 'Purple turnips rain from heaven in July', you would hear it. You see, the human mind is designed to look for patterns and draw connections. In the absence of an easilly drawn independent conclusion it will draw the conclusions it is given and it will seem absolutely true and logical. The Bible is just like that.

Centuries upon centuries have been devoted to developing the collective teaching of the Church. Centuries polluted with Empirialism, Colonialism, and every kind of political and personal agenda. There were even these lovely little get togethers where people who called themselves Church Fathers decided to make statements of faith that every 'beleiver' must adhere to or be.... well let's just say nasty violent things happenned to those who suddenly found themselves labelled heretics.

These teachings about what we are to beleive the Bible says and how each and every verse is to be interpreted in sermons are then handed down church to church, pastor to congregations, parents to children to childrens children. They're repeated over and over and over and over, with little developments and changes that lead to rifts and new denominations with slightly new teachings that are also repeated over and over and over.

Until the Bible isn't all that different than a tape that's being played backwards - a confusing lot garble that seems to sound like what you've been told if you listen carefully enough and with intention and tilt your head just to the right.

But step away from all those sermons, all those commentaries, and all those statements of faith. Step far enough away that they lose their hold, until the only voice that has a hold is you, and that inner voice of peace and knowing that has so many different names in so many different faiths.

Then look at the Bible, and the meaning will be so so different. So much less damning. So much less chaining. So much more obviously altered and guided by historical events as they've unfolded. There is no eternal damnation. There is nothing wrong homosexuality. If Christ's own words as portrayed in scripture are to be beleived then we're all very likely as much gods as he was.

But now I'm rambling and the rest can wait for another post. Long story short, I've come from beleiving so firmly and passionately that I was willing to dedicate my life to the ministry, to being perfectly comfortable with the possibility that there is no God or that if there is one then that entity or ideal or thing which we have no adequate word for is most certainly equally sought after and known in their own way by a great great many people of a great many different ideologies.

It's been heaven and hell. Each time an old belief has died it has been agony. But I'm stabilizing now.