Dark Christianity
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May 2008
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I'm feeling snarky tonight.

LJ-SEC: (ORIGINALLY POSTED BY [info]pretentioustfu)

The Prairie Muffin Manifesto

Blargh. It's seriously holding up the ideal that the best women have no interests outside of home and husband and children, NO PERSONALITY OF THEIR OWN, are ideal targets for abuse, and are basically worthless, yet should revel in this worthlessness as a greater worth. Yay for Newspeak. And the scary thing? These people are serious. O_O

1) Prairie Muffins are committed to obeying God's law in every area of life, as they are aware of its application to their lives and circumstances.

Quick! Tell me how God's Law applies to using the toilet! Now tell me how it applies to walking! Now tell me how it applies to answering the door! I could go on with this line of questioning, but my point is that the Bible isn't a how-to book, a textbook, a repair manual, or applicable to ANYTHING aside from matters of religion and morality for those who believe and as a contributing document to understand its times for all.

2) Prairie Muffins are helpmeets to their husbands, seeking creative and practical ways to further their husbands' callings and aid them in their dominion responsibilities.

Well, at least they're upfront about being Dominionists.

3) Prairie Muffins are aware that God is in control of their ability to conceive and bear children, and they are content to allow Him to bless them as He chooses in this area.

*sees shades of Quiverfull, Above Rabies, and Michelle Duggar* *crosses legs* I'd rather take that blessing in dollars, thank you.

4) Prairie Muffins seek to conform themselves to the image of God by not chafing at the trials and afflictions which He brings to them, but thankfully submitting to His loving providence as He makes them fit for heaven.

So being repressed, oppressed, and abused is all from God to make one fit for heaven?

5) Prairie Muffins improve their intellect and knowledge as they have opportunity, first by seeking wisdom from God's word, then by reading good books and other materials which help them to make informed opinions about a wide variety of subjects.

"What casserole should i make tonight?" "What part of hell will i be in if i ask My Husband to give me just a kiss and look at me before sticking his nasty part in my nasty part?"

6) Prairie Muffins dress modestly and in a feminine manner.

Like this. (Worksafe.)

7) Prairie Muffins protect the innocence of their children, until such a time their children are mature enough to be exposed to potentially-harmful cultural influences.

Such as that horrible lesbian couple across the street and that evil Muslim man next door.

8) Prairie Muffins are creative, learning new skills and working with their hands to provide items of beauty as well as utility for their families.

For thou shalt not skip scrapbooking and the making of worthless trinkets no one doth want, thus saith the Pastor, and his word is as good as God's. The Book of Prescribedrole, 11:5.

9) Prairie Muffins do not reflect badly on their husbands by neglecting their appearance; they work with the clay God has given, molding it into an attractive package for the pleasure of their husbands.

You must look good for your husband, for you are truly no more than a trophy and a prize. Remember your worthlessness!

10) Prairie Muffins are patient and forbearing, not responding rashly to slights, perceived or real.

And never, ever, ever calling the police, even when their husband screams at her and beats her children.

11) Prairie Muffins own aprons and they know how to use them.

So they won't have to see his nasty part or their own nasty part. If you cut it right just like so. . .

12) Prairie Muffins prefer others above themselves, seeking to serve God by serving others, especially members of their own household.

Also seeking to not understand that slavery was banned by law in the United States and in most of the Western world, for this understanding might hurt their idea of how life is supposed to be.

13) Prairie Muffins practice hospitality, graciously, even when their home is not as perfect as they would like.

And even when they're feeling sick or are in pain, they must still act like a happy perky hostess.

14) Prairie Muffins have a sense of humor, even in the midst of trials.

"Hee hee, my bruise looks just like a cauliflower! Hee hee, I have no personality but that's good and you should try it!"

15) Prairie Muffins do not become paralyzed by fears and worries; rather, they see God's loving hand in all their circumstances.

Ready to strike them dead at any moment should they deviate one bit from perfection, because He only loves when He is obeyed, just like their husbands and fathers.

16) Prairie Muffins are accomplished at organizing and delegating.

"Got to put that army of kids to use somehow, they're not old enough to run for office yet!"

17) Prairie Muffins place their husbands' needs and desires above other obligations, arranging their schedules and responsibilities so that they do not neglect the one who provides for and protects them and their children.


18) Prairie Muffins are fiercely submissive to God and to their husbands.

Notice the nice little collars.

19) Prairie Muffins appreciate godly role models, such as Anne Bradstreet, Elizabeth Prentiss and Elisabeth Elliot. They do not idolize Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie) or Louisa May Alcott (Little Women); while they may enjoy aspects of home life presented in their books, PMs understand that the latent humanism and feminism in these stories and in the lives of these women is not worthy of emulation.

. . .and understand that men are the only true human beings, and even they're worthless worms before God, and if their adored and worshipped men are worthless worms, that must make them even worse. Maybe they're maggots.

20) Prairie Muffins make significant economic contributions to their households in many ways. They are careful with the hard-earned money that their husbands bring home, wisely weighing expenditures to ensure that they stretch the dollars as far as they can go, without being parsimonious. They also may help their husbands in their husbands' callings or bring money into their households through homecentered business under their husbands' authority, as long as that activity does not detract from their very important homekeeping duties.

"If Husband wants to spend the college fund on a Corvette and a motorcycle, i cannot stop him. Boys will be boys, tee hee."

21) Prairie Muffins recognize that all good gifts come from the Father of Lights (James 1:17) and they also realize their privileged position as "home despot," thus they are grateful to God and their husbands for enabling them to engage in the wonderful role of homekeeper.

"At least i get to control and dominate something, even if it is only the small children and the female ones."

22) Prairie Muffins try to maintain a peaceful environment for their families by keeping their voices quiet and their tones gentle as much as possible.

You are woman, you are nothing, you must not be seen nor heard nor thought of unless dying, and you must keep the peace no matter what your Husband does.

23) While Prairie Muffins seek to have a multitude of wise counselors, they are careful not to elevate mere men and women to a position where they are tempted to idolize those whom they admire. They also are aware that all have weaknesses, and they accept this reality without discarding the good teaching of those godly people who may occasionally stumble in their weakness or with whom we sometimes must disagree.

Except for God's prophet in Colorado Springs, James Dobson.

24) It is not possible to fit Prairie Muffins into a box. They come in many shapes, sizes and flavors, they have a variety of talents and interests. All their pursuits, however, are weighed to see if they are pleasing to God and done in obedience to His will as revealed in His word.

For God would never do such a horrible thing as give His people free will and choices.

25) Prairie Muffins are tough on themselves, but forgiving of the faults and differences of others, without sacrificing their commitment to truth and righteousness. This is sometimes a difficult balance, but one which Prairie Muffins strive to keep.

Though they can only forgive faults and differences like Husband beating them to a pulp. They cannot forgive their son for going to San Francisco to get away from them and find a boyfriend, at least not without a passive-aggressive guilt trip and disowning until he dies of AIDS.

26) While they often may feel like they have split personalities because of the many hats they must wear, Prairie Muffins do have their feet firmly planted in two worlds: the now and the not yet. In the now, they must deal with the realities and disappointments of everyday life, praying for daily wisdom and walking by faith, not by sight, as God providentially directs their steps. In the not yet, they strive for the biblical ideals by which they determine the direction of their lives, understanding that they may fall short of these ideals as they struggle with their flesh and their circumstances, but trusting that God will honor their humble obedience with a more mature faith and the blessings that come from both the struggle and the obedience, in this life and in the next.

(*takes up BS Slayer Blade* *stabs*

Brainwashing by any other name is still brainwashing.)

27) The letter "P" at the beginning of their names should be the only similarity between Prairie Mufffins and Pharisees. Never should the Prairie Muffin haughtily pray, "Thank God I am not like that...(fill in the blank)." Rather, she should always say, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." This is not to say that obedience to God's law is not important, however. Prairie Muffins gratefully accept the yoke that Christ places on them, and they seek to have the mind of Christ with the godly perspective which sees the burdens of our Lord as truly light; He is the One who gives us strength to carry those burdens, and He is even the One who carries them.

Yeah, all that stuff that Jesus guy said about removing yokes and giving freedom to the oppressed? It's nothing, I tell you, NOTHING! SLAVERY IS FREEDOM, HEAR ME?

28) Prairie Muffins mind their own business. While that business may include encouraging other women "to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored," it most emphatically excludes encouraging other women to run ahead of or resist the authority of their husbands or elders in pursuit of any PM distinctive.

"For we must never have class consciousness."

29) Prairie Muffins are open to correction from proper authorities. They are responsible to submit to their own husbands, to their elders, and ultimately to God. If rebuked by these authorites a PM should receive such correction gracefully and gratefully. If rebuked by others, she should take the concern to her proper authorities.

Abuse and brainwashing are yours in this two-for-one deal!

30) "Home, Sweet Home" is more than just a sentimental saying for the Prairie Muffin. Her home is the center of the Prairie Muffin's activities. Of course, she needs to occasionally go away from home to engage in various activities related to her calling, but her focus is on making home a haven for her husband and children and using it to glorify God in whatever ministry to others He may call her. She is content in her home and does not see it as a prison from which she constantly must escape. She wisely rules over her domain by keeping busy in her full-time calling as homekeeper. Chocolate bon-bons may be a rare indulgence, but Prairie Muffins don't have the time or inclination to waste their lives on soap operas or other inane and inappropriate entertainment.


31) While Prairie Muffins try to be women who make plans and stick with them, so that they use their time wisely and reach the goals they and their Prairie Dawgs have determined for their families, they also know they must be flexible and be prepared to meet whatever circumstances fall into their laps, sometimes at a moment's notice, responding with grace and calm.

"Honey? You're in jail for shooting who? Oh, darling, I know he must be an awful sinner and deserved God's justice. I'll be there with your bail fund right now."

32) Though we abhor the idea of women being involved in the military and fighting battles which men are commanded to fight, Prairie Muffins recognize that there is a real battle in which they are on the front lines: the battle of the seed of the woman against the seed of the serpent. In this most-important conflict, we gratefully serve King Jesus in the capacity He has given us, waving our wooden spoons and rallying our children to stand alongside us in the battle, training them to be mighty warriors in the defense and furthering of God's kingdom.

Dominionism AND racism AND natalism! It's the Domininionist hat-trick!

33) Prairie Muffins are not clingy, they are clinging. There are many things in this world that it is tempting to grasp, even good things such as our homes, our marriages and our children. Our hands need to be firmly planted in the Savior's hand, not clinging to those things which are good gifts from Him, but clinging to His will for our lives. When those good things are sometimes taken away, we must accept what is better, knowing that our loving Father wants what is best for us.

Or your Husband wants what's best for him. Same difference, you know.

34) A Prairie Muffin is generously affectionate with her children (and husband!), lavishing hugs and kisses on each one as a reminder of how precious they are to her.

(Wow, the only slightly non-batshit thing here. *frames it*)

35) This society worships rugged individualists, and lone ranger Christians are often the rule rather than the exception. While we know that it is becoming more difficult to find family-friendly and biblically-based churches, Prairie Muffins reject the notion that commitment to a local church is optional. We affirm the importance of the church in our families' lives, and we willingly submit to its leaders. It is our desire to raise children who are life-long worshipers in the pew and future leaders of strong churches.

Baaaaaaaaaaa, baaaaaaaaa, baaaaa.

36) Prairie Muffins are happy to be girls—they rejoice in the distinctives which God sovereignly bestowed on them which make them feminine. They are also happy that their husbands are masculine, and they do not diminish that masculinity by harping on habits which emanate from the fact that boys will be boys, even when they grow up. In addition, Prairie Muffins are careful not to use their feminine, hormotional weaknesses to excuse sinful attitudes and actions, but learn to depend more and more on God's grace and strength in the midst of any monthly trials.

So their Husbands' hormones and brains and born gender excuse their sins (even going to pay another boy who wants a boy so they can just be boys out in a cheap motel having boysex and doing boydrugs) but their own natural bodies, hormones, brains, and born gender will NEVER excuse them, NEVER?

37) Prairie Muffins may go against the flow, but they also know how to roll with the flow. Living moment by moment, day by day, season by season, they don't depend on present circumstances to dictate their direction in life. Circumstances change constantly, so Prairie Muffins hang tightly onto the Father's hand while they ride out the waves of life that ebb and flow past their doors.

Or onto the hands of the men who tell them what the Father thinks for them.

38) The chief end of the Prairie Muffin is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Because she is not her own, but belongs to her faithful Savior Jesus Christ, she understands her responsibility to please Him in all she does, looking to His holy, inerrant Word for guidance in everything pertaining to life and godliness. As a Berean, she measures all she reads and hears against that plumbline, and she purposes to gratefully obey God's law, in His strength, because Jesus, the second person of the Trinity, said, "If you love Me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15). We understand that nothing we do will merit our salvation—that is only given through the imputation of Christ's righteousness to us—but serving our Lord is part of our sanctification. The Bible has some very specific things to say to women regarding their God-given role, and Prairie Muffins take those divinely-ordained distinctions very seriously.

But there is one distinction Prairie Muffins and everyone who enjoys their submissive services MUST never take seriously.
Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

39) Aware that they are being watched, rather than becoming paranoid—or annoyed—Prairie Muffins are employed* in setting a good example for those who have their eyes on them. We in no way wish to endorse adopting masks to hide the real "you," but we firmly believe that what is on the inside will show through, so we suggest remembering that there is no hiding the real you from those who know you best, i.e., your family. By God's grace we will continue to work on cleaning up our act, being that good example, knowing that "more attention our children pay to what we do than what we say."

For women must have no identity and no self other than this.

40) The women who will have the greatest impact on the world, those who will have the greatest influence on history, are those "well-behaved" women who faithfully serve God in their daily lives, seeking His approval rather than the world's admiration. Prairie Muffins know that while engaging in the kingdom-building work in their homes of loving, training and disciplining their children, the world may not express its approval, but it will be turned upside down.

"We are the Borg. Resistance is futile." (I actually saw a church sign here in El Cajon that said "Jesus is coming, resistance is futile." It was on the First Assembly of God(?) on Pepper Drive.)


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