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From Jehova's Fitness

The Fundamentalist Agenda

PINKERTON - As the polls are coming in, it is obvious that pro-gay-rights candidates have won a majority of the seats on the town's school board.

"Well, it's about time," says voter Evelyn Gaylord, "I'm sick and tired of those Fundamentalist Christians and their Agenda." Mrs. Gaylord's sentiments seem to be shared by many of the voters in today's election.

It appears that the firebrand anti-Fundamentalist rhetoric of several of the candidates hit its mark among the voters. A good example of such rhetoric is from a statement issued by incumbent Simeon Kwir, "Thanks to Fundamentalist activists there are already Christian clubs in our schools. Next on their Agenda is school prayer. It's obvious who their target is: our children. The Fundamentalists are recruiting in schools and that has to stop!"

"My son found out the other day that his geography teacher is, is.. one of them. I cannot stand for this," says concerned parent Sappho Jones. Jones cites the presence of openly Fundamentalist teachers as a sign of the declining focus on morality in public schools. "The curriculum in the schools nowadays actually teaches that thier lifestyle is OK. If somebody doesn't do something about this soon I'm going to send my kids to a Montessori school."

"It's part of a grand vision for them, a Fundamentalist Agenda," says Dr. John van Dyke, founder of Fixation on the Familial Unit, "They are conspiring with the pro-war crowd and corrupt CEO's to create an America devoid of morality. I'm afraid it may get worse before it gets better. With activist judges legislating from the bench, we may see more laws being circumvented to benefit the Religious Right. This is the reason our organization was founded. We want to be a source of hope in these troubling times. We will publicly endorse candidates like Mr. Kwir who are courageous enough to stand up to the Fundamentalist Agenda."

If the new school board members live up to their promises, the future of Pinkerton's schools is clear. Is this the beginning of a nation-wide, grassroots movement to combat the Religious Right? Only time will tell.