djinnj (djinnj) wrote in bandinnabox, @ 2007-08-18 01:52:00 |
|
|||
Current location: | bed |
Current mood: | amused |
Current music: | Sugar, We're Goin' Down (acoustic) - FOB |
Short, Fast and Loud
Title: Short, Fast and Loud (or Being an HP - Fall Out Boy Pseudo-meta Crossover Involving in Order of Appearance Messrs Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Joseph Trohman, Andrew Hurley, Patrick Stump, and Peter Wentz)
Warnings for (mostly implied) obscenity and rampant silliness. Lightly drawn hints of SS/DM/HP as well as suggestion of more than friendship within FOB.
Written for femmequixotic
2,382 words
The three of them looked into the circular box thoughtfully.
“They're so tiny,” Harry said, watching the antics of what appeared to be a mouse sized homunculus as it jumped up and down upon a miniature sofa and made a rude gesture at him.
“Of course they are tiny,” Severus replied in exasperation. “We shrank them precisely so they would be tiny. Imbecile.” He ignored the behaviour of another little man who was showing off several more tattoos while mooning him, and prodded his wand at the soft looking one hiding behind a (relatively) large potted plant. This resulted in a concerted rush on his wand tip by the other three wee men as they kicked and shoved his wand away, shielding their companion. Then one practically climbed out of the box to confront Severus' considerable nose, arms flinging about, and ranting all the while. It sounded like the cheeping of an enraged mouse. An extremely foul-mouthed enraged mouse.
“Please, Severus,” Draco sighed as he levitated the still vituperating little man off the edge of the box and back onto a rumpled bed the size of a shoe where the other three were having some sort of whispered conference. The returning hero was greeted with acclaim, and as one the four turned and made an exceptionally vulgar gesture to those watching. “I'll thank you to have more care of them. We cannot give a damaged present.”
“This is ridiculous. It is clear that they were quite damaged enough before ever I laid eyes on them, and I have no intention in worsening their condition.” Severus said, pinching the bridge of his nose while the four little men demonstrated impressive lung capacity by shouting “FUCK YOU” in unison. Apparently pleased with finally making themselves heard (as if their sentiments were not already abundantly clear), they demonstrated equally impressive stamina by continuing to bellow epithets, insults, and several no doubt inadvertently intriguing suggestions which Severus filed away for later consideration.
“Since they're a present, maybe we should clean them up a bit?” Harry suggested. “Some of them are as hairy as Hagrid, and that dark one looks terribly greas-....” Looking up from the little man who was bridling and thrusting out a tiny but pugnacious chin, he was caught like a deer in headlights by the force of Severus' glare. “Or not. They're fine. Really.”
Draco covered the box, shrouding the suite of miniaturized rooms it contained in darkness as the little men shrilled their disapproval. “I believe antagonizing them further will be counter-productive. And however little I may understand the appeal of ill-fitting clothing or black fingernail polish, they are apparently de rigeur in their circles.”
“Or girl's jeans and eye-liner on men,” Harry added as he turned to Severus and nodded, missing the slight flush which rose in Draco's cheeks.
“In-deed?” Severus said slowly, with a speculative gleam at Draco. Harry looked between them suspiciously before his eyes widened.
“Since you both deferred to my choice,” Draco hurried to say before Harry could complete his thought and speak, “I selected this, or rather them. I believe she will enjoy them thoroughly, and considering the month she has had, I am sure you will agree that the effort is well deserved.”
“Draco, I have no doubt you chose the most suitable and welcome token of our regard,” Severus conceded. “However much I may wish it were a little less opinionated.”
“Although,” Harry hesitated. He looked at the others and worried at the side of his thumb with his teeth. “Are you sure it's okay? I mean, they're people.” Draco took Harry's hand in his own, protecting it from injury.
“Oh, for God's sake, Potter, do I need to explain this again?” Severus said in exasperation.
“Severus,” Draco interjected sternly.
Severus perceptibly resisted rolling his eyes. “Harry. Do I need to remind you that they are real people?”
“Well, right, that's the problem, isn't it? And all you keep saying is that it's not a problem because they're real.” Harry was beginning to look belligerent and Draco's grip on his wand hand took on rather more purpose. Severus once again rubbed at the bridge of his nose.
“Harry, are we not, as has been so quaintly expressed by so many, figments of a woman's imagination, grown independent in the fluid consciousness of society at large?”
“You don't need to be so insulting about it.”
“Oh for heavens.... Are we not imaginary? And are they not real?” Severus waited but Harry did not interrupt again. “What do you get when an imaginary construct attempts to capture a real construct?” Harry looked at the now quiet box, thunderstruck. Severus sighed and counted silently. When he reached seven, Harry squinted at him.
“So, they're real, but not the real real ones? And they wouldn't exist at all if we hadn't thought them into existence?”
“We or others, or we and others, Po- Harry. They are figments of figments, which means we may do with them as we please. Much as we are done with, as you might recall.” At a certain tension still around Harry's eyes, Severus continued, “Which is not to say we will abuse or otherwise trammel their little imaginary beings to no purpose. But I believe you already agreed that this is a worthy cause.”
Harry nodded, considering as he bent down to peer into a sliver of a gap between the side of the box and its cover. “I can see that. We've a responsibility to treat them right because it's right, whether they're real or not.” Severus and Draco's eyes met behind Harry and Severus' lips quirked infinitesimally as Draco rolled his eyes and mouthed “Gryffindor”.
“Oi!” Harry suddenly yelped, and Severus and Draco looked over in surprise as Harry trained his wand on something they couldn't quite see. Looking over his shoulders, they realised that the industrious little men had torn a significant hole in the far side of the box. That portion of the box was flush to the curved edge of the table and the hole abutted a sheer drop of almost a metre. Four small faces peered over the edge, and Severus realized the smaller dark one had just the same foolhardy look which inevitably caused a falling sensation in his stomach when he saw it on Po- Harry. That the little man's hair was now standing up in gravity defying shocks did not help the situation. He did not admit relief when Harry removed the box cover and repaired the hole, but it was there nonetheless.
“Enough!” Severus said, and they all looked at him in surprise, even the wee men as they winced at his sharp exclamation. “We cannot give a present which is unfailingly rude and constantly attempting to escape.” He continued before Draco could properly establish a pout. “The substance of the present was well considered and chosen,” he nodded to Draco. “However, the acquisition of said present was perhaps not handled in the best manner.”
Harry snorted. “You mean shrinking their hotel room while they were sleeping was a bad idea?”
Severus drew himself very upright. “It was past eleven in the morning. They should have been awake and dressed, at which point we could have explained ourselves before we were so rudely interrupted.”
“Rather than shrink and run? I know that hairy fellow who doesn't like to wear shirts can be a bit much, but-” Severus narrowed his eyes at Harry, who choked on swallowing a chortle.
“There was no time. A dog, let alone Security, would have complicated the matter. And,” Severus sneered over Harry's wheezing, “I do not recall you providing an alternate plan at the critical moment.” He eyed Harry's still gasping form, and turned to Draco. “I believe we have been at cross purposes for no reason. Your research indicated that they would be amenable to assisting with our stated objective did it not?”
“Of course, Severus. I would not have chosen them if they were not inclined so. There was every indication that they would be perfectly willing to devote their attention to her for the week without recourse to Imperius.” A rude noise in miniature from the wee men caused Draco's excellent posture to droop a little. “I did not realise they would be quite so obstreperous, however.”
“It will be fine, Draco, you'll see. So we can't give her these berks, we can still find something she'll like.” Harry patted Draco's shoulder awkwardly. “It's not like she expects them, so it's not like she'll be disappointed. How about a bottle of wine?”
“You certainly give up easily, Po- Harry,” Severus' sneer turned to annoyance at yet another admonishing look from Draco. “A bottle of wine simply does not compare.”
“Didn't you just get through saying we can't give her something that will insult her or run away?” Harry pointed at the little men. Although three of them had finally sat upon the bed again and were talking quietly as the soft one plucked at a diminutive guitar, the dark, excitable one continued to pace and make the occasional rude gesture.
“Indeed. This is not a time to retreat from the field, however. We have yet to attempt diplomacy.” Severus ignored Harry's incredulous look and turned to Draco, who nodded and conjured parchment, quill and ink.
“I have no doubt they are persuadable.”
“It would perhaps be of use to imply that they will not be returned to full size until they comply.”
“Ah,” Harry said as he peered over Draco's shoulder. “I should have realised you would mean Slytherin diplomacy.”
“Don't be naive, Harry, all diplomacy is Slytherin.” Draco said absently as he continued to write.
“'Personal attention including foot rubs and the peeling and feeding of grapes?' Are they really going to go for this?” Harry asked.
“I don't see why not; it seems eminently reasonable to me.” Draco tapped the parchment with his wand to dry the ink and then read through it again as Harry fidgeted. “Here, give this to them.”
Harry shrank the parchment until it barely covered the tip of his smallest finger. He transferred it, delicately clinging to the tip of his wand, to the still pacing little man who snatched it away immediately. After a moment of furious reading, the fellow shook the parchment over his head and began ranting to his companions.
The smaller furry one, the one with glasses, took the parchment from him as the soft one and the taller furry one wrestled him to the bed and sat on him. They managed to quiet him down enough for the one with the parchment to make himself heard by the others. Severus noticed that some of the soothing upon the bed appeared to be rather forward and filed away yet another item for later review.
The wee men reviewed the parchment and there was a moment of quiet discussion before the one with glasses pulled a small object from an improbably tight pocket and began jotting down amendments. The others crowded around his shoulder pointing and joking as they suggested various changes. Finally satisfied, the tallest one took up the parchment and waved it over his head as the others looked on, catcalling. Draco levitated the paper out and, enlarging it, began to read.
“Ah, they are, in their own words 'totally stoked to do this for her' and inform us that there would indeed have been less trouble if we'd taken the time to ask.” Harry smirked at Severus. “They do, however have some demands. They desire a case of cold... why would anyone want cold furnace fuel for some sort of assembly? And power for their raincoats and what is 'weefee'? This is....” Harry took the parchment and laughed.
“They want soda, Diet Coke, and they need electricity for their equipment and computers. Wi-fi is the Muggle version of what we use at home to get on the Internet.” Harry ran his hand through his hair. “I can provide the soda, and she already has the others, although I'll throw in an charm to speed up the connection for the week and divert the extra power they'll need. Oh, and they want permission to use the shrinking as a concept for a video. This is fine.” Severus turned to the little men who were watching intently and nodded deliberately. The little men nodded in return and then performed a curious pat-a-cake exercise which involved much physical contact and was clearly well practised. They then retrieved their instruments and proceeded to tune them as Severus attached a softly glowing globe to the inside of the box cover and carefully replaced it.
“If you would do the honours.”
Draco's wand swirled carefully around the package as it was neatly encased in green paper with a line of filigree air holes around the top and tied with a gold and silver ribbon. The large silver card tucked into the bow read: 'Enclosed: One Band Box, good for one week. Place on floor before removing ribbon.' and it was inscribed 'To Femme, for all the care you take of us. With love, Draco, Harry, and Severus.'
“I believe you wished to deliver it?”
Harry looked up from rubbing his thumb over the signatures and smiled at Severus. “Right, yes. Back before you know it.” As Harry prepared to apparate, he could hear muffled singing coming from within the box. The words sounded like: - side one, flip me over, I know I'm not you're favourite.... which took his mind to entirely inappropriate places for a moment. He shook himself and then eased into the familiar scrunching sensation as he disappeared with pop.
Draco removed the disillusionment and silencing spells off a modestly-sized box in the corner and levitated it carelessly to the table. “Now, while he is gone, what shall we do with Mr. Berkowitz?”
One comment about FOB peeling grapes and a crackfic is born. I hope this gives you a giggle, Femme.