shimyaku (shimyaku) wrote in areyougame, @ 2008-10-20 23:48:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | *final fantasy vii: ac, author: shimyaku |
The Guilt We Share, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Cloud/Kadaj)
Title: The Guilt We Share
Author/Artist: shimyaku
Rating: R
Warnings: m/m touching, hand-job, innocence and intimacy issues abound
Word count: 1197
Prompt: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Cloud and Kadaj: touching, washing - Neither of them were accustomed to intimate physical contact; it felt like an almost guilty luxury, thinking of those whom he could no longer touch, but it felt like an anchor to humanity as well.
Summary: Kadaj appears injured and weary at Cloud's door in the middle of the night, and Cloud knows exactly the reason why.
A/N: Yes, yes, late again, thanks for pointing that out. My first try was utterly filled with emo-wangst, so I managed a rewrite and this result is thankfully only partly so... XD Also, I didn't use the prompt directly, but I hope I alluded to it enough for it to work.
Silence gave way to the sound of heavy, laboured footsteps at the front door, soles scraping across near rotten floorboards as weary limbs pushed their way inside. Cloud slipped quietly from his bedroom, half-clothed in only a pair of black sleeping pants, to find a strange sight for this time of day, albeit one that he had somehow been expecting. The late night air chilled his bared skin, and he moved to swiftly close the door, all the while taking in the figure before him.
Kadaj stood with his eyes tilted to the floor, hair matted and cloaking most of his face, bloodied wounds scattered over his entire form. His stance was hunched and his body obviously tired, probably it was a wonder he was still standing - truly there was only one reason that would push him to such limits.
Gazes eventually meeting, the blonde looked at the other with a strange mix of pity and empathy in his eyes - he recognised this emptiness he saw, and it saddened him that he should have to deal with it this way. "A Gaia-damned masochist aren't you? Just like your big brother..." He gave a frustrated sigh, almost reluctantly taking hold of the silver-haired boy's arm, "Come with me... you're bleeding on the floor."
"But I haven't--"
"Gotta wake up, Kadaj," the elder was hard pressed not to yell, the very words like acid on his own tongue, "If they could return to you, don't you think they would have by now? What you're doing is nothing if only punishing yourself for something you couldn't do anything about."
The Remnant was silent, seemingly pondering the idea with great dismay. But it was then that Cloud realised the other had already known this, only to be reminded like a slap in the face, and he'd simply been trying to run away with denial firmly in hand, avoiding the guilt by forcing needless pains upon himself - as he himself had once done.
"...Do you think you could call me 'little brother'?"
"Guilt is a heavy and often unnecessary thing," the blonde offered instead, ignoring the ineffectual attempt to change the subject and pulling the other behind him.
***
Cloud was thorough but gentle in tending to the boy - he couldn't quite bring himself to think of him as a man; while he may have had the appearance of one, his naivety of the world was at many times painfully obvious - and so he spoke the words for Kadaj to remain still, while he stripped away the soiled clothing and stood him in the shower, as if he were a child. And he didn't seem to mind.
A warm stream soon flowed over the silver-haired male, and Cloud used a soft cloth to methodically dab over the many wounds, removing them of filth and caked blood. The facial area was tricky and the rest fairly easy as he knew these kind of injuries from experience. It was when he reached Kadaj's lower half that he frowned momentarily - he didn't stop however, figuring to be quick and not lingering with his cleaning efforts, but at the other's sharp gasp and the brief (though obvious) twitch of his flaccid length, he pulled away embarrassedly.
"What was that?" The younger male spoke with obvious shock.
"Nothing, little brother. Just a touch - don't worry about it." Cloud tried to sound as reasonable and straightforward as possible in the hope he would listen. It didn't work.
"But it's never done that before... I- please brother, could you touch me again?"
"I can't do that, Kadaj."
The youth was visibly crestfallen. "You can't? I... didn't know it was a bad thing." His eyes ran away, confused, finding the tiled wall instead.
Cloud held back a sigh, wondering how he could properly explain his situation to the other. While he wanted Kadaj to know that it wasn't really a bad thing, it was because of his last partner that he didn't wish to partake in such closeness with the younger male - Zack had been the only one he'd ever touched intimately, and now that he was no longer around the blonde wanted it to stay that way, to preserve those feelings he'd had.
Not only that, but he did also sense some manner of familial care toward the other. Of course he knew that they were far from true brothers, but there was no way he could deny the responsibility he felt for the last-remaining Remnant, nor the recurring thought in the back of his mind that they were more alike than he cared to admit. The constantly being named 'big brother' by Kadaj didn't help either.
"It's not exactly... a bad thing," he finally confessed, fist clenching around the cloth in his grasp, "I just can't--"
"But I want you to, brother... I know you can. Just once?"
It was his utter naivety that did it, and the pity that it drew, which changed his mind, Cloud moving closer to the silver-haired clone with a resigned nod, dropping the cloth on his way. He tentatively took hold of Kadaj's soft flesh, lightly stroking with his hand, watching ever closely as the Remnant's expression changed dramatically with those first and unfamiliar feelings of arousal. Against his better judgement, he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away after that, completely enthralled by the sight and the strange sense of trust that came with it.
It was suddenly that he realised Kadaj's hand seemed to moving his way, and in a moment of clarity he growled with all seriousness, "Don't touch me, little brother." The silver-haired male's arm just kept moving however, only halting once his fingers had reached the blonde's now soaked pants and crept deftly beneath the clinging fabric.
"Kadaj, don't--"
"I want to, big brother, I want to know if it feels good for you too." Kadaj's breath seemed to be coming labouredly as he grasped Cloud's half-erection with an eager fist, pumping the length in time with that hand on his own - his big brother's hand.
The blonde couldn't remember the last time he'd felt pleasure like this, the last time fire filled his gut and sparks danced over his vision - it had been a long time since. While yes, he did know approximately when and where, he really couldn't recall any solid details about the time then, only that Zack's face and Zack's hands were all he'd known... And what would the all-faithful SOLDIER think if he could see him now? What would he say--?
"Does it hurt, big brother?"
The words cut through the blonde's train of thought, surprising him, until he realised that with all his suddenly conjured up memories of a certain swordsman, his expression had probably become somewhat pained. Of course Kadaj didn't know this, and must have simply been worried by his look, the silver-haired boy staring down at him with wide and uncertain eyes. And so he laid his head wearily against the other's shoulder as he finally gave in, just this once, speaking consoling words so softly Kadaj might have just barely heard them.
"No little brother, it doesn't hurt."