Something happened when those two words were uttered to her.
“You’re pregnant.”
It was something she’d always wanted for herself but it couldn’t have come at a worse time in her life. Still, she wasn’t about to give it up. Somewhere inside of her was something that was going to live and she just couldn’t bear the thought of letting it go.
Willis had to know and even though she was scared, she began to realize that he wasn’t going to come after her. Maybe there was something human still living inside of him and maybe he’d do the right thing and help her raise this kid.
She found the communal tent but no sign of Willis. She sighed and began talking to herself. “It’s strange, sometimes I can feel you when you’re not even here. You leave your mood around the grounds like breadcrumbs, hoping maybe someone will find you.” She chuckled to herself lightly at the idea.
A sobering realization caused her smile to fall. “Better than me I guess. All I leave behind is messes.”
“Maybe sometimes a man just wants ta be alone with his thoughts.” Willis said, coming into view from the door of his area. “Figured you’d be th’last person t’grace my door- or what have ya.” He gestured to the curtained off area.
Willis ws improving since he’d clocked Marty. Oh, he was still grappling with who he was and was still having a full crisis of self, but he’d gone into town and visited the church, spoke with the priest there and it had helped. A little. Of course, he also stocked back up on liquor, so he was back to being sloshed 90% of his waking day. Thankfully though, he was a functional drunk and it was only the smell of booze and bloodshot eyes that really gave him away- well that and he still looked a mess. Beard untrimmed, hair uncombed, shirt untucked and probably not washed recently. Thankfully, his ability skewed someone’s perception so any smell he gave off wasn’t detectible when he was a ‘ghost’.
Having spent a good portion of her life staring at Willis, she could see the subtle change. He’d been upset and it was all Bellas fault. He was a demon but yet here he was a shell of a man. How could that be possible?
“Honestly? It’s the last place I want to be.” Even then those feelings of love came bubbling up beneath the surface. “But when something is right, then it doesn’t really matter if you want to do it or not. You have to.” She found herself a seat and gestured to the seat across from her.
“Please, I have something to say and I have to say it now before I lose my nerve.” She pleaded.
“If ya dun wanna be here, then go.” Willis said, gesturing to the door as he stepped in, crossing to the foot locker. He leaned over and opened it up, pulling out a bottle of amber liquid and a glass. “Yah made yer feelin’s clear for me in the tent.” The English came out more when he drank and mixed with the Southern which tended to thicken as well. “‘Fore ya burned it ta hell. Nuthin’ more ya need t’say.” He grimaced at the effort as he pulled the stopper out of the bottle and poured himself a glass.
“It was an accident!” She yelled one anger, feeling the rage she had that day boil back up inside of her. “And I believe you’ve always known my feelings Willis, it’s you whose feelings became clear because you don’t have any.” She wasn’t about to back down, not after she found out what he really was.
Not being able to hold it in any longer she screamed at the top of her lungs. “I’m pregnant!!” And gasped to catch her breath after. Unlike most times, things around her didn’t move with her mood, they remained still. Somehow she was beginning to gain more control over them.
“That’s not true I f-” Willis started to yell back when she blurted out those two words. What? Taking a step back, his foot hit the steamer trunk and he dropped down onto it. Sitting there the words fought to find meaning in his mind. She was pregnant? He would assume it was his, right? Unless she’d been with someone else. But Bella had professed her love for him, and he’d accepted it and- would she have? It had been a bit since she burned down the tent so maybe, also maybe she’d been with someone before they’d been together. He didn’t know why, but he’d always assumed he’d never be a real father. Granted, if he’d known more about what he was and accepted it, he’d know that assumption would be true as he was incapable of having kids of his own. After all he wasn’t fully alive in the sense that she was, he was brought back by magic not by birth.
“Hmm.” He brought the glass up to his lips and took a long sip, nodding slightly.
She sighed as she watched his expression. Hell, it was surprising enough for her, she couldn’t imagine how Will must have felt. She sat down next to him and clasped her hands together. “Before you, it’d been half a year since I had been with anyone.” Paul had been before him but he’d found himself a new girl and so things between them had ended.
“I don’t expect you to be it’s daddy, but this kid’s going to be running around here some day and I don’t want to lie about who the father is.” She wouldn’t, she refused and it wasn’t like he wouldn’t get to know whatever it was. Bella wasn’t leaving and as far as she could tell neither was Will.
Truth was, he couldn’t leave. Not so long as they weren’t home. He didn’t belong in this time, the shadows that gathered at his feet told him that much. “Never figured me for the father type- outside of the cloth.” He said after a long silence. “But I’m not gonna abandon no kid of mine. Wouldn’t be very Christian of me, would it?” Willis glanced at her, he really didn’t feel anything about the child she carried. Shouldn’t he be happy or scared or something? But, honestly, he felt… apathetic. “So, whatever ya need, I’m here.”
Christian of him? Bella almost felt like laughing at that. Was he still trying to be a man of the cloth after all of this? But that didn’t matter, what mattered is that he wanted to be a part of this kids life and it lifted a weight off her shoulders. “Thank you Will.” She replied, looking at that face again. Even through all the mistrust and all the pain, Bella still loved him, still wanted to hold him and be with him, but that was off the table now.
“For what’s it’s worth, I’m sorry things went down the way they did. Sometimes I think I don’t even have any control over my emotions but I’m trying to do better.” And that was the truth, she couldn’t get worked up anymore now that she was looking after someone besides herself.
“And I still love you.” She said under her breath, barely audible to even herself.
“Yet you speak lies ta my flock, tarnish mah name.” Willis spoke with an uncomfortable stillness in his voice before taking another drink. He hadn’t held service in a month, he was hiding, he was questioning his entire purpose. “How can you love someone you so clearly believe the worse of?”
She was positive she would sound silly trying to explain to Willis how she knew it was true but she’d do her best. “They weren’t lies, Will. I know this is going to sound odd but I know it’s true because Paul could smell it on you.” She shook her head as she realized she hadn’t explained it well enough.
“I mean he met this other demon and he realized that you smell the same as him.” She didn’t know who this other man was but she steered clear of most people these days.
“And you know what? I don’t know, alright?” Now her volume was increasing. “I’ve spent my whole life trying not to love you Will, you strung me along for years and years of servitude and affection. And when I finally got what I wanted I found out it was all a lie, so don’t you ask me how I can still love you because I don’t have a clue.”
That had been on her mind for a long time and she was a bit surprised at herself for finally saying it.
“A lie? I did nothin’ to betray you. I told you I loved ya and you think that was a lie?” It wasn’t? It was? It was complicated. His voice remained calm. He knew that loving her back could break her, but he’d promised Kristoph he wouldn’t mess with anyone at Zion, so he really hadn’t had an end goal when he started. And no, Willis didn’t love her in the same way she loved him. He couldn’t really. It’s not because he didn’t want to, maybe he was just incapable of it. But that didn’t mean he was mean to her or hateful. And he did care for her in his own way. She’d been there for him for so long, his right hand.
Willis rose from the trunk and walked across the small space, finishing the remainder of his glass, his back to her. “And I don’t care what Paul says. He ain’t right. I’m no demon. Maybe his sniffer’s got it wrong.”
She chuckled at that, the whole thing. The fact that he did love her and that Paul got it wrong. She stood up and began pacing around the area. “Jesus Will you’ve got your head up your ass. You lied to me but what’s worse is that you’re lying to yourself.” She sighed.
“You can’t help what you are, Will. I know that and maybe it’s high time you do too.” She crossed her arms over her chest as she finally stopped and looked over to him. “If you really loved me then tell me why you did, because all I see is someone who's trying to force something that isn’t real.”
“Because you wanted it.” Willis turned to face her again. “And I wanted to give it to you.” He said simply. It was more complicated than that, but the more he looked at it, the more that was the root truth of the matter.
His hand gripped his glass hard. “And y’dun understand. I’m not a demon. I’m God’s servant. I can’t be a demon.” Not because he was a servant of god, but because being a demon meant his whole life had been a lie. That he’d been wrong, but he’d talked to the priest, he’d admitted his doubts and realized it was just God testing him. He had to stay firm in his belief, prove himself even more to the Lord. And he was determined to do that. The desperation was clear in his voice. “I can’t.”
She couldn’t help but tear up a bit, must have been the hormones or something. She walked across the space to him and placed a hand on his cheek. “You are the sum of your actions, Will and I believe you can overcome this by being a good man.” She pressed her forehead against his. “I know you know what that means, so fight against this thing in you.” She stepped back and shook her head.
This was so confusing and here she was, this stupid girl, falling for all his same tricks. Did God curse her to be the dumbest girl in the world or was it her own lack of self control that was conducting this shit show. It didn’t matter anymore, things were never going to be the same with Will because he still believed that she’d betrayed him.
His eyes actually started to well up. “I am a good man. I follow God’s teachings and listen to his word.” His lips screwed slightly a mix of anger and turmoil. “An’ tha’ man a’walkin’ bile came ta me an’ tried ta tell me I was evil. Believin’ you thought the same.” His fist clenched tighter around the glass. “I’ve only ever followed God’s guidance an’ the rules Kristoph sets for Zion. I lead my flock an’ now…” He could tell her right? She had been there for him for so long. She’d understand. “Now I’m wonderin’ if it’s not God leadin’ me… what if-” He shook his head and looked away.
And that was it, that was what broke her. The tears came flowing freely now and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tightly to her. “I’m so sorry Will, I shouldn’t have been so stupid.” She basically destroyed his life and now she had to watch him suffer the consequences.
She pulled back to regard him face to face. “You’re the best man I ever known and I know you have the ability to make the right decisions.” She didn’t know what else to say, she felt like an utter fool.
Why didn’t she talk to him about this? Why couldn’t she ever do things the way they were meant to?
“Th’fact ya say that. That I ‘have the ability’... you make it sound like I ain’t been doin’ just that.” Has she thought that about him this whole time? Willis’ grip tightened on the glass again and it finally gave and broke in his hand.
“Fuck.” He pulled back from her and set what remained in his hand on the table. He pulled one shard from his hand and cursed again as he clenched his fist and moved back to the trunk to grab a handkerchief.
Immediately Bella went into teacher mode, grabbing a bottle of water and taking his hand away before he could wrap it to clean off the wound. “Hold still.” She told him as she gently wrapped the handkerchief around his wounded hand.
As soon as it was tied off she sighed and folded her hands in her lap. “I think you always try to be a good man, just sometimes you don’t realize that you’re doing things that other people want. I never wanted you to love me because I wanted it, I wanted you to love me because you cared for me.” She shook her head and wiped her tears. “Anyway, I just came here to tell you about the baby. I’ll keep you updated.”
She could still lose it if she weren’t careful.
He sat there next to her, “I do care for you.” In his own way. “Tha’ was always somethin’ I was truthful about.” Willis might not feel things the same way as others, but in the way he felt things, he did care for her. “An’ th’ last thing I wanted was for yah ta get hurt… or look at me th’way you did.”
Her eyes softened at that and brushed a stray hair from his face. “What sort of mess did we get ourselves into huh?” What could she do to erase everything that happened? Nothing, she couldn’t save his reputation and she couldn’t save her own. She was in this shit show because she created it.
She sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Will. Please just forgive me.” She didn’t expect him to but somewhere in her heart there was still some hope.
If she could accept him as the man of God he was and turn away from the idea that he was a demon… maybe things would better themselves. If he kept her close, ‘forgave’ her, maybe he was walking the righteous path and not one led by the devil. Willis turned to her and without speaking, his hand rose up and brushed over her cheek before he leaned in and kissed her gently.
She was forever lost in Will and at this point she was done denying it. He was the one weakness she’d never overcome. Her eyes closed as his lips pressed against hers, oh how she’d missed his lips. While the Reverend might have been disappointing in bed, he kissed well. She returned it in kind but kept it soft and slow. She didn’t want this feeling to ever end for fear of whatever else she had bubbling up under the surface.
The tears had dried up but she still felt it in her gut, that gut feeling that she’d let him down. He didn’t even know what he was, how could she think he hadn’t meant what he said?