MarcoV: 2:38pm So, it's been a day. We should all be able to laugh about this now, right? I'm only doing this for most of you because we're all stuck here stupid stupid Just want to say Sorry for fuck fuck fuck Once upon a time Remember that meeting we just fuck fuck asdgukhfdghljkfdgkad I'm sorry
[…]
So I know none of you have any reason to actually read this, but I hope that at least some of you do. But I also know that some of you will scroll right past this, so:
I'M SORRY.
Maybe you're reading now. I don't know. I don't know how to write this apology. I don't know what to say when it's written down on paper. Do I tell you what happened? I guess.
So, here's my deal. I've been doing heroin since I was a teenager. Pretty consistently. I've gotten some since being here, but after doing a few really stupid things, Cecilia had tried to ween me off. I don't know, I thought it would be the right way to do it, but I ended up just trying to get to my drugs, and when I realized that I couldn't, I panicked. I knew it was dumb when I did it, but I was too afraid of not getting it, and how that would feel, so I made the wrong choice. I'm sorry about that. I really am. Looking back on all the shitty things I've done since I got here, I'm amazed that no one talked about locking me up sooner (though I'm also pretty grateful for that, too).
So, what's happening now is that I'm gonna try to stop being so much of an asshole (I can't stop completely, sorry) and I'm going to go cold turkey. That's right, for those of you just skimming this, I'm going to STOP DOING DRUGS. As of right now, I've been sober for over 24 hours. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but considering I'm used to getting high every four to eight hours, it's a fucking big deal.
And to those of you who like to know that I'm miserable, Chase and Kiley, I've thrown up twice and have the cold sweats, and this is only beginning. Fun. But I'm serious. I'm going to quit. I don't want to scare anyone into thinking I'm dangerous anymore. I'm not going to let drugs make me into a dangerous person.
Speaking of transition here fuck fuck fuck
While I'm bringing up the whole being dangerous thing, I feel like I should bring up those "psych issues" that were mentioned at the meeting, because when it's mentioned that I could get worse, that sounds scary. I'mI'm schizophI want to tell you that I'm sI have schSchizophSomebody kill me nowI'm I have schizophrenia. I was using heroin, and actually tried a lot of other things, to self-medicate while I didn't have medication, and that's when I got hooked. No, that's not an excuse for all of the bad things I've done. It's an excuse for some of the weirder things, though. […] Honestly, telling you this is almost as scary as the knowledge that my next couple weeks are going to be rough as fuck.
Mostly I just want to say that I'm sorry about what I did down at the pharmacy, and I'm sorry if I scared anyone, and I'm even more sorry that I hurt people. Some of you have been all kinds of patient with me, and I'm sorry I was a little shit. I'm not going to do it again. I'm gonna give this sobriety thing a try.
[…] I guess if any of you have any questions about any of this, you can ask. I'll do my best to answer everything.
tl,dr: Sorry.
Private to Owen: I owed you this apology in person, but I didn't want you to punch me in the face today, when I have days of already being in pain ahead of me. Sorry I fucked up so bad. I hope I didn't fuck up even more by doing this over the network.
Private to Lennon: Tried to find you to do this in person. Still want to apologize in person, but if you don't want to see me, I get that, too.