Who: River and Clair When: Eveningish Where: River's room What: It's breakup week at Zener?
It was horrible; there was no other way to describe River’s Valentine’s weekend. Everything had finally come to a head on Saturday when Art took it upon himself to steal Clair for the whole day, completely ruining the plans River had made for them. And the fact that their plans where ruined didn’t even seem to phase Clair. It was all too much to handle and River finally called her out on it, bringing up all that had happened in the past few weeks and even dumping on her how much she was being oblivious about the whole Arthur thing.
It was obvious that he had feelings for her, that he was after her and she didn’t even see that. Or she did and didn’t care. Their argument went around and around as neither of them listened to what the other had said. River poured his heart out to Clair and she refused to listen to what he was saying. It all ended at a standstill, neither choosing to budge and neither choosing to really stop and listen. He had left her room with the very real thought that their first major argument had indeed been their last.
Because there was no way she was going to talk to him and believe what he said. He didn’t have proof of Art’s intentions and that didn’t bode well at all. And he had felt bad for the argument because he never wanted to be mean to Clair, to throw anything in her face like he had. So after they had a few days to cool down River chose to go and apologize to Clair, in the hopes that he could undo the damage he had done. At least that was his hopes...until they where dashed upon the rocks when he walked in on Art and Clair in her room, kissing. River didn't remember coming back to his room after that, and considering nobody came looking for him he assumed he couldn't have reacted violently. The scene he had walked in on crushed all hopes that he had of ever getting Clair back, sending his already sour mood spiraling downward in to a depression that didn't get any better as the week ticked on. The fact that they shared so many classes didn't help him in his attempts to move past what had happened.
River was sitting in his room, slumped at his desk staring at the text book opened in front of him, attempting to wrap his head around the homework assignment. He was diving head long in to his school work, trying to spend more time with the friends he had, and even taking the time to call his mother with regular updates, anything that would get his mind off of Clair and the situation he couldn't fix.
She had put this off from long enough and now everything had blown up in her face. A part of Clair wanted to run and hide and pretend that nothing had happened. That was the way she usually dealt with things. If you ignored it. It would go away. But two boys weren't just going to disappear. She had perhaps, set things right with Arthur. And now it was River's turn. It had taken a lot just to make herself go to the boy's wing and now she was standing in front of his door. Knock. She told herself. Knock. What she wanted to do was go next door and hide under Justin's bed. Taking a deep breath, Clair knocked. And waited. And then softly she said.
"River? Are you in there?"
The knock on the door pulled River from the book he was staring at, his eyes glancing up towards the door briefly before trailing back down to the same math problem he had been staring at for the last 15 minutes. He wasn't really in the mood for company, and if he didn't answer perhaps they would go away. That was until he heard the voice that called out shortly after the knock. His pencil in his hand slipped from his fingers, dropping on his notebook and rolling off to fall on the floor. River stared, unblinking at the wall in front of him. He couldn't have heard what he just heard...it had to have been his mind screwing with him, yet another messed up thing his brain decided to do in his state of depression. But...then again....what if he was wrong? Pushing his chair back River shuffled over to the door, his hand pausing on the doorknob before he pulled it open a crack to peer out at whomever it was on the other side, doing his best to squash any hope that might have tried to crawl forward. It couldn't possible be Clair on the other side of his door now.
Maybe he didn't want to open the door? Clair wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. She had put him through a whole lot of crap, and kissing Arthur was probably the cherry at the top. Or whatever analogies there were involving cherries. She hadn't been paying much attention to class and things as of late. The door did open though and Clair managed a small smile. It didn't open all the way but she stepped forward and tilted her head to see through the crack. Maybe it was Tory? "Hi." She said in the same soft tone. It wasn't Tory. She hoped that Tory wasn't in at the moment anyway. "Can I come in?"
River's heart jumped, leaping in to his throat as he stared at the blonde standing on the other side of his door. Taking a deep breath he attempted to push his racing heart back in place, but it wouldn't be silenced. The whole past week had been torture for him and the fact that she was proving him wrong and was not only standing on the other side of his door but was talking to him had the flare of hope forcing it's way past his depression. The small smile she gave him as she spoke had River's stomach twisting, his hand tightening it's grip on the doorknob as he was forced to swallow to form any words. "Hi." He responded softly, still looking at her through the small crack he had made. Stepping back a little River pulled the door open, making enough room for Clair to come in if she truly wished. "Yeah...come on in." His voice didn't carry past the first soft tone he used.
This time round she looked at him. And decided that he could have looked better, but was glad that he didn't look ragged or pale or anything like that. Clair didn't deal well with guilt. One slap wasn't going to turn that on it's head. Not immediately anyway. She was going to have to work on it. Her smile grew just a little bit as he opened the door. She knew that he had every right to just slam it in her face. She had treated him like dirt and really he could pay her back for it now. "Thanks." She said, stepping gingerly into the room and looking around. Yup, Tory wasn't in. At least she wouldn't have to deal with roommates. Griffith had just looked at her when she had come to talk to Arthur and that had been very uncomfortable. Not to mention weird.
Once she had stepped in to the room River closed the door behind her, turning to face Clair as his hand stayed on the doorknob. He could definitely hope and speculate why she was here now, but none of what had happened the past couple weeks had proved to be any good. She looked like there was a war going on in her head and that she had something to say and whatever it was, good or bad River would hear her out because despite what happened he still cared for her.
"So...you were right." Her pause indicated that that wasn't what she had intended to say. Clair had wanted to ask him how he was doing but that just seemed patronizing at the last minute. So she had changed it, forcing herself not to beat about the bush. "And I'm really sorry." Another pause. "For not listening to you...and for ignoring you. And for you to see that..." By that she meant the kiss. "Yeah..." This was hard. Harder then it had been with Arthur.
River's stomach twisted as Clair spoke, his heart jumping again. Taking a deep breath again he pushed it all back in to place allowing her to finish completely before he answered. Though his brain was having a hard time wrapping around it all, trying to actually rally an answer for her confessions. He shrugged a little when she said he was right about things with Arthur. He didn’t want to be right about it if it meant causing her pain. Through all of this mess River never wanted any type of harm to come to Clair. Which was why when he thought she wanted to be with Arthur after he had walked in on them he had just given up. If that was her decision and what would make her happy then he wasn’t going to take it away from her. But now she was here, in his room telling him she was sorry for not listening, sorry for the way she had treated him...and sorry for the fact that he had walked in on that kiss. Biting his lip River took a small step forward towards Clair.
"I never wanted to be right if it meant hurting you.....you where the last person I wanted to hurt Clair." His eyes trailed down suddenly finding the floor very interesting. "I'm sorry I threw it all in your face like that....but I was hurt and didn't know what else to do." River's tone was soft again as he apologized for his harsh words and actions.
She had played with the bracelet on her wrist as she spoke and kept playing with it as she listened to him. The multi-coloured crystals made soft tinkling sounds, though she hardly heard them. "I don't think I was the one hurt in all of this." She was the one doing all the hurting. "So it's ok...you did what you had to do." Looking down at her bracelet she let her hands drop to her sides. It was time to come clean about all of it. She took a breath and had to step away as he came closer. It was simply easier to say what she had to say when they had some distance between them. "And now I'm doing what I have to do." Looking up from her bracelet, Clair met River's gaze and said, "I'm sorry...but I think we need to break this off." And she'd tell him why, but her breath caught and she had to pause.
River’s heart sank as Clair spoke. He had a hunch this was coming, but hearing her confirm it shattered what little hope he had left. Clearing his throat softly he brushed past her to sink down on the edge of his bed. He opened his mouth to speak but found the words escaped him. Closing it again River rallied his thoughts and started once more.
“Why?” His voice was strained but he did his best to keep the emotions he felt from pouring in to his voice. “What…what changed between us Clair? Is it because we’re too different?” River’s heart dropped more, finally settling in the pit of his stomach. There was no way he could offer her what Arthur could. Arthur came from the same type of life as Clair did, he understood and knew what it was like to grow up as they did and that growing up he had done with her.
She took a breath and forced herself to look at River as he brushed passed her. A huge part of Clair simply wanted to run out the door and since she could not fight the urge to move, she took a step in the opposite direction of where her instincts told her to go. She took a step closer to him. There was another long pause as Clair tried to form the words. What her brain kept putting out was, 'it's not you...it's me.' and she just wanted to laugh because that was just so lame and cliched. "It's..." She wanted to reach out to him but then thought it prudent to just keep her distance. "I was...I'm hurting you. I can't do that anymore." Was her reply. "These last few weeks something was bothering me and I couldn't tell you what it was...all I did was isolate you and hurt you."
River glanced up at Clair as she spoke, his eyes trailing around her but not settling on her face. He couldn't, he couldn't look her in the eyes and see how she looked while she spoke. He finally did force himself to look at her face, seeing the worry and concern that set itself in as she tried to speak and get out what she meant. "Ok......so something was bothering you....and for some reason you couldn't bring it to me. But you're bringing it to me now......" River hadn't meant for his words to sound like be was grasping at straws, because he knew once Clair was set in her decision she couldn't be swayed, she was stubborn like that. But he had to find out just what she was confused about....the timing was just all too perfect that things went haywire in their relationship just as her childhood friend came to school. So though he shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion his hurt and messed up brain settled there. He didn't see how their first major issue in a relationship would cause her to come to the conclusion that break up was the right decision.
She flushed a little as the subject inched closer to why she had pulled away from River in the first place. "The time in the rec room when I..." She paused and made a gesture with her hand. It was slightly crude and she immediately stopped when she felt her face get hotter. Yes, Clair still couldn't say the word handjob in front of River. "That was my fault...I was being impulsive and I wasn't ready to do it...and I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that." Did she just say, 'force myself on you?' Once again Clair almost giggled she was so so very nervous and only barely managed to stop herself.
River scrunched his face up in a confused manner as she spoke, his eyes trailing to her hands as she made the gesture and an understanding look spreading across his face. He opened his mouth to speak and once again found words escaped him. Taking another deep breath River's eyes settled on Clair's face again. "You didn't force yourself on me Clair....and I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to do something like that." He turned his eyes away from her then, choosing to study is hands in his lap.
"And after that, I realized how stupid it was and I couldn't actually spend time with you without feeling guilty about it." What if he wanted to do that sort of thing again? She had been afraid of that and hadn't given him the chance to ask by avoiding him. And then Arthur had come along and that was that. She sighed and nibbled on her lower lip. "The thing is I should have brought it up to you immediately but I didn't. I was a jerk and obviously I'm not ready for any kind of serious relationship." What if something else happened and she could not spit it out? She was not about to drag River through the mud again for her mistake.
Shaking his head River forced himself to look up at Clair while she spoke, she was being truthful and finally pouring everything out now. Too bad she was pouring it out as an explanation as to why they shouldn't be together. This was not how he wanted this all to go, they where supposed to talk and get over this little hiccup in the relationship road but she was pulling away completely. The thought caused his throat to tightened so he was forced to swallow before he spoke. "I don't fault you for not bringing it to me Clair...and I certainly don't hate you for it. I wish you would have felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it." He paused and shrugged his shoulders, allowing them to slump back in place. "But I can understand your aversion." He didn't like the idea that while she was in this confused state the one she ran to was Arthur, something River was sure the other boy reveled in. His mind settled on instead now what he had walked in on earlier in the week when he had gone to apologize to Clair for yelling at her, if she wasn't looking for a serious relationship what was that he had seen.
She nodded and realized that he was probably going easy on her. Clair had expected a bit of yelling or the cold shoulder or something. Instead River was being nice and forgiving and it made her stomach twist into guilty knots. "I didn't realize that..." She said softly. "I was too caught up in what I felt that I didn't even think of how it might effect you." She was really the villain in all of this and he had to see that. Clair had bowed her head as she said this but quickly looked up again, pushing long blond strands of hair behind her ears.
"I can't hurt you anymore." So she was putting a stop to it now. "And I can't hurt Arthur anymore either."
If Clair was determined to make River hate her, she wasn’t going to be successful. Despite everything that happened and what was happening now he still cared for her, he might not be able to show that as her boyfriend anymore but he wasn’t about to completely turn his back in her because she had made a mistake. Pushing himself up off his bed River took a small step towards Clair. “Everybody makes mistakes Clair…..what makes us better people is if we are willing to admit that we made those mistakes. Which you are doing now…and I wouldn’t be a very good person if I didn’t forgive you for it.” He stopped from moving closer, not wanting to make Clair any more uncomfortable then she already was.
“Arthur?” River was confused…because he had assumed after what he had walked in on that this was all coming down to the fact that her and Arthur where pursuing things. River’s heart didn’t inch out of his stomach because he knew that little bit of news wouldn’t change anything. Clair was still set in her path about not having a serious relationship, something he didn’t like but could respect. It did make forgiving her a lot easier when he knew that he wasn't being dumped for somebody else.
“Clair….I forgive you…so don’t beat yourself up over it anymore? It means a lot that you are willing to make it right instead of just stepping away and leaving it how it was from last weekend.”
"Yes..." She wasn't going to be hooking up with Arthur either. Clair needed a break from boys and relationships. She needed time on her own to grow up really, so nothing like this would happen again. "I'm not dumping you for him. Arthur and I are just friends and we'll continue to be friends." Kissing aside. But she didn't think that any more of that would be happening in the future.
River nodded, making no feelings known towards that little bit of news known. He was of course relieved.....if relieved was the right type of word for it, relieved that she wans't dumping him for Arthur. That didn't take away the pain that their relationship was essentially over with but he would take what he could get. River couldn't blame Clair for wanting to take time to sort out her life and straighten things out she needed to do. Everybody had to do it at some point in their lives and it showed a great level of maturity that she was handling it so well.
"It's very nice of you to forgive me, River." More then nice actually. "I think it's more then I deserve." She watched as she stepped closer and on her part Clair did not move. "I would like it if we remained friends though. If that's what you want." She would understand if he wanted to keep his distance.
River shook his head at Clair as he took another small step towards her, stopping just in front of her and giving her a somewhat strained smile. "I think you deserve it Clair, even if you don't think so. You aren't a horrible person and nothing is going to change that view of mine. Confused.....yes...but not horrible." He glanced down towards the floor, swallowing softly before pulling his eyes back up to her. "And I am not going to lie to you Clair, i'm not happy that things had to end this way...or that they have to end at all....but i'd really like it if we could stay friends. No matter what you say and what wrong you are beating yourself up over....I still care about you."
She just looked at him. Half surprised and half happy that their conversation wasn't taking a bad turn. The subject was still grim and nothing could change that but at least they weren't yelling at each other or saying mean things for no good reason. "I'm really sorry again, River." She could not make herself be in a relationship at the moment...with anyone. "But thank you...for wanting to be friends." She smiled tentatively at him. "I did miss your company..." Avoiding aside. "It would be nice to hang out again...sometime." One of these days. Not right away though. Now she wanted to give him space.
It was surprising that Clair didn't step away as he moved closer and stood in front of her. This had been probably one of the closest they had stood together without yelling at each other over something that was bothering them. River pulled in another slow breath and let it out slowly, pushing away the anger he held after their argument. He was forgiving Clair and he wanted her to believe that."I'm sorry too Clair....I wish it would have worked out...but I can understand that you need time to be yourself, not worrying about hurting somebody else while you figure things out." River resisted the urge to reach up and brush his hand across Clair's arm, he wanted to push way all the hurt and worry that was hanging in the air as they spoke, but figured that would be overstepping his bounds. Her smile made his grow a little larger before he shoved his hands in his pockets for something to do. "I missed hanging out with you too."
It was good that he did not reach out to touch her. Arthur had done it and Clair didn't think she'd be able to handle something like that again. It was a rather emotional time and well..things could happen that was just counter productive to what she was saying now. "Great...we'll have to hang out. And make up for loss time." She looked away from him then and noticed the books on his desk. "Um..so it's late. I should let you get back to work." Here Clair nodded to the books and then looked back at River. "Thank you again for hearing me out and for wanting to be friends still." That was the best part really. She turned and put a hand on his door knob, pulling the door open slightly. "So..I'll see you around." Pause. "Have a good night, River."
"Definitely.....I don't want to stop hanging out with you Clair..." River nodded, his hands still shoved in his pockets knotting up tightly. He wasn't ready to have her leave but couldn't make her stay. She had said what she wanted to say....and they had come to a conclusion. Sort of. Clair wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and that wasn't a slight on River or that he was a horrible boyfriend. Though their little mishap in the rec room helped her come to that conclusion. River's eyes followed Clair's to his desk and he shrugged. "I was just killing my brain with math homework. But yeah....it's late." River followed her towards the door, stopping at a comfortable distance as she reached for the doorknob. "Thank you for coming to talk Clair....it means a lot that you wanted to fix that." He gave her a smile as she pulled the door open before stepping out. "Have a good night, sweet dreams."
She turned and smiled at him from over her shoulder. "I'm glad we worked this out." Clair told him, lingering a bit at the door. It would be a lie to say that a part of her wasn't sad about how things turned out. River had been a very sweet boyfriend and he was being sweet still and understanding. He would make another girl very happy and that thought made her wistful. "Thanks..." Clair replied then, tilting her head slightly and wrinkling her nose. "The same to you." Slowly she raised her hand and gave him a little wave before starting down the hall. Just as she had done with Arthur, she did not look back.
River took a hold of the door, leaning on it as he watched Clair step from his room knowing he wouldn't be looking at her as his girlfriend anymore. The thought pulled at his heart and he had to bite his lip before he did the very unmanly action of crying. It was hard letting her leave then, but it was for the best if he wanted Clair to be happy. She had a lot to sort out and he couldn't be selfish and make her stay his girlfriend while she wasn't sure what she wanted out of life. The right things weren't always the easiest things to do but he knew it had to be like this to make Clair happy. He would just have to be ok with the fact that she still wanted to be his friend. It was a small prize but he would take what he could get to still be part of her life. River waved at Clair and watched her walk off down the hall before he closed the door behind her.