razorback_ (razorback_) wrote in x_2012, @ 2011-01-21 20:23:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | razorback, ursus |
Who: Ursus and Razorback
What: Ursus visits his brother to try and convince him that blood is thicker than... well... blood.
When: Friday
Where: Kane'ohe Bay, Hawaii
Warnings: Language
Bernard,
I know this is long overdue. The fact that your reading it means its not only overdue, it means I was a coward and couldn't actually face you to tell you this man to man. It also means you met your brother Lucien. I wish you could have met him under happier circumstances, but I suppose that is just one more regret that I've carried to my grave.
I know saying I'm sorry doesn't mean anything to you. You hardly knew me, so my apology is empty. I want you to have it anyway. I know I wasn't there for you, that I wasn't a role model at all for you. I wasn't a father to you by any definition of the word. I know it isn't my right to even ask this, but I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I am only human.
I don't know what your mother has told you of how she and I met, but I hope you will humor me in letting me tell you my memories. When I met your mother, she was only eighteen. She was young and beautiful and so very kind and I couldn't help but fall under her spell. I know she wasn't trying to enchant me, maybe that's why I was so completely taken with her. I was going to a rough patch at home, and your mother consumed my thoughts. For a long time I didn't act on my desire, but one day I just couldn't stop myself anymore and you were the result. I wonder if you can possibly understand what it's like to be married, to love your wife and the son she gave you, and then to find out that you have another son on the way. I was terrified. I wanted then, as I still want now, to be a good father to both you and Lucien. That fact that I wasn't is perhaps the biggest failing I've had in my life.
The world saw me as a Marine. Marines are supposed to be brave and strong. The truth was, I was a coward and weak. I was terrified of my wife finding out about you and your mother, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to take care of you and your mother. In the end, I chose the cowards way. I tried to avoid my responsibility to you, I tried to deny you were mine. I knew, I've always known, that you were. But somehow I thought if I could convince myself that you weren't, that then I could go on about my life. I can't though. I'm still under your mother's spell, it would seem.
I did try and deliver this in person, but the house was for sale and I was too much of a chicken shit to look any more. Instead, I put the burden on Lucien, if you're actually reading this. Don't blame the messenger. If you're reading this, then Lucien is without a father now, too. For his sake, I would beg you to give him a chance, even if I am not deserving of one. He's your brother.
I know the bonds here aren't much. They're certainly not enough. But I do hope they will help you pay for school or get you started on something I should have been there to help you with. Your mother was too proud to take my money, but I hope you won't be.
Your Father,
Jonathan