Oh please. Stop acting like you're some big, evil mastermind. You're a sad little boy who had a shitty childhood and gravitated toward the first psychopath who pretended to care about you, then made a serious of increasingly stupid, reckless choices because you didn't want to admit you screwed up. Better to go all in on the crazy than to try to be better and fail.
You're not special. There's ten of you in every fundamentalist group.