It was all too obvious that Tanner was arguing with Hank and Kayden just wanted it to stop. He wanted Tanner to stop for five fucking seconds. For all that Tanner called him an antagonistic asshole, Tanner didn't know how to not pick a fight with anyone and everyone. He just didn't understand why Tanner was so fucking confrontational. His life was fine. His parents were strict, but they gave a shit about him. They didn't hurt him. Hell, they practically coddled him. He had a life and a fucking future, at least before he'd got himself killed. And just because Sat wouldn't fuck him didn't mean he needed to be such a fucking tool.
He was still trying to calm himself down when Hank hung up the phone, his hands coming back to his shoulders even as Kayden tried to pull in on himself. And now the old man was trying to get him to talk about his feelings and Kayden didn't get it. Why did he give a shit? Why did he keep doing things like this.
"Tanner died," he said quietly. "Back home...before I got here. We were...there were these things and he sacrificed himself to save the rest of us and...it was my fault. I had planned to kill myself. I...I'd built a bomb. And if I'd just used it...if I'd just died...he would have been fine. Instead...I watched him die." He shook his head. He wasn't saying this right.
"I'm not making sense," he said after a moment. "So...a year ago, we were camping. And there was this thing...this monster...and it messed with our heads. Made us see things. Tried to kill us. Tanner didn't think any of it was real. He thought it was all hallucinations. That...I'd drugged everyone." His breathing went sharp as he closed his eyes. "I wouldn't do that. I...I wouldn't. I may get fucked up but I wouldn't do that to them..." He frowned. "The thing...it was trying to kill us and I had to stop it. So I did. I set it on fire and I beat the shit on it." His hands moved to the scars on his arms almost unconsciously. "Tanner pulled me out of there...even though he hated me."
He looked down. "We all spent a year falling apart in different ways," he said. "And then we went back...to try to make any of it make sense. And Tanner still hated me. And then shit went even worse. And then he died and I wanted to. And then we were here. And I...don't know what to say to him. Because it's my fault. If he hadn't hated me...if he hadn't felt like he had to prove something..." He could see Tanner getting ripped apart when he closed his eyes and he couldn't breathe again and he was shaking. "I don't know what I did to make him hate me and I don't know how to fix it and I just..." He trailed off, going quiet for a moment before he continued, his voice went quiet and broken. "I love him."
He realized what he said and flinched away from Hank, staring at him with wide eyes. Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. He wasn't supposed to say that. He wasn't supposed to tell anyone that. He wondered if he could run out of the room before Hank realized what a freak he was. Before he finally stopped pretending to give a shit. Before he hurt him.