мollyмaυĸ (eyesnevershut) wrote in wtnvic, @ 2018-08-04 15:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, caleb widogast, mollymauk tealeaf |
who: Molly and Caleb.
what: Nightmares and feels.
where: Their bedroom.
when: Middle of the night.
warning: References to character death.
status: Complete.
It had been almost a month since Molly had been dragged back from death and thrown into a new and strange world. Since he had reunited with Caleb and Yasha. So far, none of the others had shown up yet, but he held on to the hope that they would, sooner or later. Still, the longer that went without them, the more he worried. He could only hope they would show up in one piece. He worried about them, Beau especially. He wouldn't have expected that, but he knew she had taken his death hard. And, truth be told, he missed her unpleasantness. He'd grown rather used to her. They had found a place with two rooms, apparently all the people displaced here were being provided with housing which was kind of the town, and had settled into it as well as they could. Yasha had a room to herself, which suited all of them, and Caleb and Molly were sharing the other room. It had two beds, both the rooms did, but Molly and Caleb had pushed both the beds in their room together by unspoken agreement. Caleb still seemed reluctant to let Molly too far from him, and Molly always appreciated contact. So it worked for them, and Molly was growing used to waking up in a tangle of limbs with Caleb, Frumpkin curled up by their heads. Caleb's clinginess had abated somewhat over the course of their days in the town, not that Molly had ever really minded it but he was glad that Caleb was feeling more secure. And he honestly enjoyed the little moments of contact. Caleb might have stopped holding tightly to him, but he had made a habit of touching him at random, as if to check that he was actually real. And he would never complain about Caleb touching him. He'd gotten used to the regular contact, and it was honestly kind of nice. He would miss it when Caleb stopped. He'd been fine since he came back, so he wasn't expecting the turn his dreams took that night as he and Caleb slept. Lorenzo was in front of him, glaive in hand, and then the glaive was buried several inches in his chest. Beau was screaming and Lorenzo was laughing and then everything was black until it wasn't. But it was still dark. And cold. He opened his eyes but he couldn't see anything. He tried to reach out, but his fingers met resistance. Cloth. He yanked at it and touched dirt. It took longer than he would have liked to dig himself out of the grave, to fight his way free from the tapestry. Then he was breaking the surface of the ground and he wished he'd just stayed dead. The snow was stained red with blood everywhere, bodies littering the ground. He could see Beau, a few feet away, he broken body lying there with blood pooled around her, eyes sightless and neck at an unnatural angle. Fjord was all but cut in half. Jester looked strange and wrong in stillness, her blue skin horribly dull and gray. Nott was barely recognizable, so much blood for someone so small. He wanted to scream at the sight of Yasha, partially frozen and so obviously dead. He was sure he did scream when he finally got to Caleb. The wizard was lying on the ground, almost without a mark save for the glaive sticking from his chest. If not for that, he might have just been asleep. But he was dead and they are all dead and Molly wished that he hadn't come back, that he hadn't had to see this. That he hadn't had to know how badly he had failed them. That he would come back but they would't. That he was going to be alone. He sat up with a gasp, shaking and fighting back the urge to scream, not wanting to wake Caleb. He didn't want to trouble him with this. The last thing he wanted to do was to add to Caleb's burdens. He shook, staring sightlessly ahead, caught up in the horrifying images his mind had shown him. Caleb had never been great at sleeping like a functional person. He always stayed up too late, slept too light, the various dreams and memories that would come when his mind wasn't otherwise occupied always finding a way to press in. That had been...different somehow since Molly had arrived, since he had been reassuring himself with Molly's presence during the night, the contact easing him even when things started trying to press into his mind to jerk him away. Of course, one of those things that contact didn't change was the fact that he was a light sleeper. The sudden shift of Molly away from him, the jerk of the other man's body upwards, and Caleb's eyes shot open, blinking against the darkness and straining to sense whether his Alarm had gone off. It hadn't been that, though, and looking up at Molly's back, Caleb couldn't help but frown to himself. He had a feeling he knew what was going on, what had finally hit Molly hard enough for his mind to start shoving the pieces together in a way that would make him react that suddenly and violently. "Hey," Caleb said, reaching a hand up to settle on Molly's back as he shifted in the bed, sitting up slowly and settling another hand on Molly's shoulders, trying to soothe the trembling running through his body. "It's all right, Molly. You're fine. Nothing's going to hurt you here. And if anything tries, it's going to have to go through me first." Because Caleb wasn't letting anything else take Molly away from him, from them, again. Even if it took all of this power to keep it from happening, he wasn't going to let it. It was, quite possibly, the worst thing Caleb could have said in that moment. The thought of Caleb putting himself between Molly and any sort of threat, of Caleb being hurt or dying for him, sent a sharp spike of pain and panic through him. Gods no. That was the last thing he ever wanted. He shook his head violently, forcing himself to breathe through the panic as the words he wanted to say caught in his throat. Wrapping himself around Caleb, he pressed his face against Caleb's throat and just breathed, reassuring himself that the wizard was fine. "Don't you fucking dare," he said, voice shaky. "You're not...you don't...you don't get it. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm not afraid of being hurt. I already died. Everything else is just...extra time I didn't deserve. I just...I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared that I'm going to wake up in a grave again...back home. That I'll be alone. That all of you are going to get yourselves killed without me. Because I can't...I can't protect you any more. I can't keep you safe. I never want you to put yourself in danger for me. I couldn't bear to lose you." He took a shaky breath. "You were dead," he said, the words soft and numb. "All of you were dead. Lorenzo had killed you. And I couldn't stop it. It was just...all of your bodies...all of you...Jester and Fjord and Nott...Beau..." His voice broke a little on her name. "Yasha. And...and you...his glaive was sticking out of you and there was blood and I couldn't...I couldn't do anything." He broke off with a sob. "I don't care what happens to me, but I can't bear the thought of not being there to protect my family. To keep you safe." It wasn't until Molly started talking that Caleb understood the situation, understood what he'd said or done wrong. Of course Molly's priority would be the rest of them and not himself. Resting a hand on Molly's back, cradling him as he raised a hand to run through his hair, Caleb swallowed over the lump that he welled up in his throat. He wished he could reassure Molly, that he could tell him that they would all be fine, that nothing like that would happen, that he didn't have to worry about all of them being gutted while he wasn't around. But Caleb knew that there were no assurances that that wouldn't be how they would all end up. Not because Molly wasn't there, but simply by the virtue of the situation that had fallen upon them. Still... They weren't going to throw themselves into that situation again any time soon. Not with already having lost four of their number to that psychopath... one of them permanently. "I'm right here, Molly," Caleb said softly, gently, running his fingers through the tiefling's hair as he held onto him. He couldn't make any promises about the others. Yasha was the only one here right now, and even then, it was rather dubious in Caleb's mind whether or not she would end up having to disappear on one of her mysterious errands or not. He couldn't think if a reason she'd have to do it in this place, but then again, he didn't know why she even did it in the first place. So it was impossible to say. "You're not going to lose me. Not as long as I can help it. And as far as the others..." Caleb said, trailing off slightly as he frowned to himself. "I'll do what I can. I'm not... I'm not going to let us lose anyone else." Running a hand over Molly's back, Caleb carefully pulled back, moving his other hand from Molly's hair to rest on his cheek, leaning forward to press a light kiss to Molly's forehead. There was only so much he could do, but that... That was something, at least. "As for all of that, it was just a dream," Caleb said gently, delicately wiping the tears away from Molly's eyes. "It was just a dream, and I promise you. I promise. If..." Caleb paused, his voice cracking for a moment before he took a deep breath, closing his eyes before continuing. "When you see us back home next... It'll be alive and well with all of us there so that you don't wake up alone like that again." Molly was honestly glad that Caleb didn't try to reassure him about the way things were going to go back home. He wasn't sure he could handle Caleb lying to him right now. And it would be a lie because they had no way of knowing what would happen. There was every chance that Molly wouldn't even come back this time and it wouldn't matter. No, that wasn't right. It would always matter. He just wouldn't be a part of the equation any more. And that was the problem. Molly didn't have a vested interest in his survival for his own sake. He liked being alive and he didn't want to die, but his whole life was borrowed time and he wasn't going to be selfish about that. But by the Moonweaver and all the gods did he want to live for the Mighty Nein. He sighed as Caleb stroked his hair, regaining his composure as the contact continued. Molly liked contact, and he especially appreciated Caleb giving him contact because he knew how hard it could be for the wizard to let people close. The quiet, reassuring words also helped. Caleb was here and Caleb wasn't going to leave him. Not if he could help it. He still worried about their friends who weren't with them, but knowing that Caleb was going to fight to stay with him eased something inside of him. The press of lips to his forehead caused him to flush a deep mauve. He was so gone for Caleb. He had been dancing around the feeling almost since he'd met the man, not wanting to push things and scare Caleb off, but he could admit to himself that he was in love with Caleb. He wasn't sure when the feeling had gone from infatuation to something so serious, but he knew that this feeling was real. And he got the sense, from a number of tiny things, that Caleb shared his feelings at least to some degree. And now that he had died, he didn't want any regrets when this borrowed time came to an end. There were so many things he wanted to say to Caleb, but nothing felt right enough and in the end he decided that, as with so many things in his short life, actions spoke much better than words. Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to Caleb's, hoping that he hadn't misread everything between them. Caleb was... surprised, to say the least. Not that he hadn't picked up on Molly's affections. He had. He'd been well aware of the fact that they had been bordering on something for quite some time, dancing around it and saying things without actually saying them. But Caleb had been holding back. He'd been holding back because he knew that Molly didn't have all of the information, didn't have everything that he needed in order to make a proper judgement about his character. So even as Caleb initially sunk into the kiss, his mind for once allowing him the briefest of moments without protesting his actions, it didn't take too long after that moment passed for Caleb to move his hand from where it had been resting on Molly's cheek to move to his chest and push him backwards, shaking his head with a sad, mute franticness. This wasn't fair to Molly. This wasn't fair to him. He didn't know. He didn't... There was no way he could understand the sort of person he was getting tangled up with. Molly was a good soul, one who cared about the people around him. Even when they didn't deserve half the consideration that he gave. "We... We can't. I... It's not... It's not that I don't... Because I do. I do. But you don't know. You don't... know," Caleb finally said after a long moment, shutting his eyes against the panic rising up in him. There was a moment where Molly thought that maybe he'd gotten things right. Caleb was kissing him and it was so easy to get lost in his affection for the man in front of him. But then the moment passed and Caleb was pushing him away, and Molly couldn't help but feel confused and hurt. He had thought that Caleb understood, that he felt the same way, but maybe he'd been wrong. It wasn't as if he had any frame of reference for this. He understood sex, of course, but love was something new and a little terrifying and completely outside of his experience. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice anxious and hesitant. "I thought..." What had he even thought? "I thought that...there was something between us. That we were working toward something...that we...we were almost something, weren't we?" Only almost, because he'd died and destroyed that possibility. Because he realized that it was selfish to expect Caleb to care about him when they had no idea of knowing how long this could last. When any day, this strange magic could stop and put them back in a world where he was gone and Caleb was grieving. It was cruel, and Molly never wanted to be cruel. "I'm sorry," he said again, reaching out to touch Caleb, to reassure him somehow, before stopping himself. He doubted that would help when his shortsightedness was the cause of Caleb's distress. His hands dropped to his lap, where they twisted and fidgeted anxiously. "I shouldn't have...I'm sorry." No. That wasn't it at all. Molly had gotten the impression that he didn't feel the same because of the way that he'd withdrawn. Which was exactly the opposite of what the issue was. Caleb had been putting off telling Molly the truth, telling him what sort of person he was, because he'd been so afraid of what the tiefling's reaction would have been. He'd told Beau because she'd essentially blackmailed him and because in that moment, he hadn't really cared what Beau thought about him. He'd told Nott because, well, she had deserved to know, as long as they had been together. She had deserved to know. And right now, Molly deserved to know. Taking a deep breath and fighting down the panic in him, Caleb opened his eyes, shifting his gaze up to Molly's before looking back down, quietly noticing the way that Molly was wringing his hands together and reaching out to settle a hand over top of them, "You don't have to be sorry," Caleb said, the words gentle and concerned. "You're not wrong. There is. And we were..." He said, eyes still locked on their hands for a moment before he swallowed hard. "There's just.... There's something you need to know, about me. Something you need to know before any of this is fair. Because I don't... I don't want you making a decision when you don't have all of the information." Caleb didn't want Molly putting himself in a situation where he'd end up hurt just because he didn't know. "I'm not..." Caleb started, frowning hard as the words caught in his throat. "Do you remember at the Victory Pit, at the party afterward, Beau and Yasha were talking to a man? I don't know... I don't know whether you noticed. Or if either of them would have mentioned something. It's... I promise, this will all make sense. But do you remember?" Caleb was talking, and all Molly wanted to do was stop him, because this was clearly hard for Caleb and it was absolutely unnecessary. He didn't need Caleb to tear himself apart for his sake, especially not out of some misguided notion that he could convince Molly he didn't deserve to be loved or whatever it was Caleb was trying to do here. Molly didn't have a past of his own, and he wasn't going to hold someone else's past against them. And certainly not Caleb, who had clearly suffered more than enough for any transgressions of his past. "Caleb," he said gently. "Stop. Just stop. I don't care about your past. No...that's not right. I care that it has clearly hurt you, but I don't care what you've done before we met. I don't care who you used to be. I care about the man in front of me right now. And that is a good man. And a kind man. There is absolutely nothing you could say that would stop me l...caring about you." That word was a little too heavy right now, when this thing between them was so delicate and fragile. "I have all the information I need to make this decision." He paused. "If you still want to tell me," he said, "I'll listen. Of course I will. I would do anything for you. But if you're coming to me expecting judgment or disdain, you won't find it. There is absolutely nothing you could ever tell me that would change the way I feel. Nothing at all, darling." Caleb wished that he could believe that. Granted, Beau had lectured him after he'd told her, after he'd insisted that he was a horrible, disgusting human being who should be loathed and punished for what he had done. She'd lectured him about how none of it was his fault and how he shouldn't hold it against himself like he did. Caleb didn't understand any of it, but all he could think was that Beau's reaction had been like that because she couldn't judge him. She couldn't look at him and see the disgusting, horrible, vicious and vile human being that he was because she didn't have any room to judge him. She might not have given him details, but there was plenty about Beau, plenty of things that she'd implied, or that she knew or brought up on the sly, that made it all too obvious that she'd been a duplicitous, backstabbing asshole plenty in her day. It was hard to be entirely disgusted by someone when you knew you were just as guilty as they were. But Molly... Molly have the small mercy of not being weighed down by baggage like the rest of them. He had the benefit of a clean slate, a fresh start, and one that... Caleb had to admit that he'd been more than a little jealous off once the revelation had come to light. If only he could forget. He would have given anything to forget. "You say that now," Caleb said softly, shaking his head. "I know that's what you think. I know it's what you genuinely think, but I'm not... I'm not a different person now, Molly. I'm the same person that I was before. I'm capable of the same things, the same..." Caleb paused, frowning softly as he trailed off, just sitting quietly for a moment, his hands covering Molly's as he looked down, not able to meet his eyes again yet. "You know... how I said I fucked up my chance to go to the Soltryce Academy?" Caleb asked, figuring maybe it was better to tackle this from an angle that would build up to things rather than jumping straight in on Trent. "That I'd fucked it and didn't want to go anymore?" Caleb asked, frowning to himself before he looked up at Molly. "That's... not exactly the truth." Molly wished that he could get through to Caleb and make him understand that he was serious about this. There was nothing Caleb could do to change his mind about him. He had seen Caleb's kindness and his goodness in so many small ways in the time he had known him, and Caleb was a far better man than many he had known in his short life. Caleb was good and he deserved to see in himself what Molly saw in him. He just wasn't sure it was possible to get Caleb to recognize that. "Caleb," Molly said, reaching over to take hold of Caleb's hands, "with how much you regret whatever horrible thing it is that you think makes you an awful, irredeemable person, you couldn't possibly be as bad as you think. Truly awful people don't regret the things they do. They don't feel bad. They don't try to make amends. They don't lose sleep over their terrible actions. Do you think Lorenzo cares what he did to me? Or to all those people he's stripped of their freedom? None of it fazes him in the slightest. That is how I know that, no matter what it is you're going to tell me, the way I think of you won't change." He squeezed Caleb's hands gently, giving him a reassuring smile. "What is the truth, then?" he asked. Caleb wished he could believe that. He wished that there was any small part of him that thought that Molly's opinion of him would withstanding knowing what he did, would withstanding knowing how many people he killed and manipulated, how many selfish and horrible things he had done, both in the name of the Empire and in the name of saving his own fucking skin at the expense of everyone else. Molly had to have noticed. He had to have noticed that Caleb's first instinct when met with complications that he couldn't lie his way around was to try and scare the fuck out of them, to breakdown their certainty, safety, and morale. Maybe it had all seemed like a game coming from him, a jest borne out of his own deviousness, and not something that he would follow through on. But if pressed, he would have followed through. Even now. And that was the thought that turned his stomach the most. "I was recruited to the Academy when I was fifteen," Caleb said. This was going to be more difficult than telling Beau. This was going to be so much more difficult because he would want to hold back. He would want to not tell Molly parts of it to make things seem like horrible than they really were. And he was going to have to fight that urge the whole time. "And I was there... a lot longer than I made it seem." Caleb paused, "That man. The one I asked you about before. The one Beau and Yasha talked to. He was... He was the one who trained me. Not at first. But eventually. Apprentices get handpicked, and he thought I had potential," Caleb paused again, taking a shaky breath as he shook his head. "Trent. Trent Ikithon. Archmage of the Cerberus Assembly. Civil Influence. That was... what we were tasked me." Caleb paused, glancing up at Molly and smiling gently at him despite the pain and sadness behind his eyes, "You've not been in the Empire long enough to understand that, what that means. They make it seem all nice and diplomatic. Just preserving the image of the Empire, the scope of its influence. But it's never worked like that. It's never worked like that..." Caleb trailed off, shifting his gaze away from Molly again, "The first year, after training, it was just random dissidents. People who spoke ill of the Empire. People worshiping the wrong gods. People suspected of this or suspected of that. That was all it took, a whisper, a rumor, not even any evidence. We didn't care about evidence. Word of mouth was enough. Anyone who would lower themselves to sully the reputation of the Dwendalian Empire. Such trespasses couldn't be left to stand." Molly listened, a sickening feeling building in the pit of his stomach the longer Caleb spoke. He could tell that Caleb was struggling with his story, forcing himself to tell parts that he hated in order to make it clear that he was an awful person. And yet, Molly also got the sense that Caleb wasn't saying everything, that he was leaving out things in order to be as hard on himself as possible. It made Molly want to gather him up in his arms and hold him until he stopped hurting. To protect him from the world and anything that might even possibly cause him harm. Caleb had so much pain in his life and Molly wanted nothing more than to ease that. Something about the way Caleb said training felt off to Molly and he frowned to himself as he considered a possibility he really didn't want to be real. "Caleb," he said after a moment, "when you say training...what did he do to you?" He didn't want to think about Caleb, young and beautiful and so terribly bright, being hurt, but he had promised to listen. There was a lot to think about with this, but first he needed to know. Caleb paused at Molly's questions, frowning slightly at the memories that surfaced. They were blurry. Everything from before was a little foggy even if his memory wouldn't let it go entirely no matter how much he wished it would. But he still remembered the way that Trent would push them, the way that he would expect everything to be perfect from the beginning, the way that they would get punished if it wasn't. The days spent without water. The weeks spent without food. He'd push them to their limits, but he was always very careful to tread that line between pain and detriment. And Caleb could always remember just how grateful he felt when Trent would arrive after days of being deprived with just what he needed. "Isolation, deprivation, it was a slog. We were soldiers. We had to learn how to survive in the most desperate of conditions," Caleb said, frowning to himself. "And we had to perfect our craft. Drills, exercises, we did them until we were perfect. Until we learned to be." And if you weren't already, you quickly learned that not improving meant you'd suffer. "It doesn't matter what he did, Molly. I would have withstood any of it. I was where I wanted to be. I was doing... I was doing what I wanted to do. If people had to die to protect the Empire, I was glad to do my duty," Caleb said, looking up at the tiefling with a hollow look in his eyes. "I was good at it. I enjoyed it." Caleb shifted uncomfortably, pulling on on himself, "I was at the Academy for two years. Training, doing the jobs I was given, proving my loyalty. When Trent finally thought we were ready, he... he told us that we would have to demonstrate that we would stand by the Empire no matter what challenges we were faced. That our parents... That they were all involved in a conspiracy against the Empire, and that they had to be dealt with in the same way that we had dealt with the others." Caleb stiffened, going rigid as he stared anywhere other than at Molly, "It was all so easy, the three of us. We'd been picked from the same village. We all knew each other. We figured we could get the deed done in one night. And it was fine. It went smoothly. None of us even batted an eye until... Until..." Caleb froze, the same far off look coming into his eyes that Molly had seen before, the look that consumed him whenever his fire got out of control, whenever it engulfed anything (or especially anyone) around him. It was somehow worse than Molly had thought. The way Caleb spoke of his treatment at Ikithon's hands made him feel sick. Nobody should be treated that way, especially not children who would internalize it into something for their own good. Especially not Caleb. His Caleb. No, Caleb never should have been put in that position and Molly hated this Trent Ikithon more than he had ever hated anyone in his life. He was certain that, if he somehow came back, if he ever met the man, he would do everything in his power to destroy him. "Caleb," he said, "none of that is okay...none of what he did to you is remotely okay. You were a child and he abused you. He tortured you. Until you behaved the way that he wanted you to. What he did...he was a monster. He manipulated you and made you into something you never would have been otherwise. You believed him about your parents because you had been made to believe anything he told you. That man...that man is awful and the things he did are reprehensible." He forced himself to remain calm. "I have a feeling there's more you need to tell me," he said. That was true. Well, most of it was true. He'd made his own choices. He'd put himself in the position that he'd been in, and he hadn't even thought twice about it. There had been absolutely no doubts in him that he had been doing the right thing right up until he'd heard his parents screaming, right up until his mind had snapped at its inability to reconcile the thing that he had done with the loss of the people that he loved. "I trapped them in the house," Caleb said softly. "We blocked the doors, barred the windows, anything we could do to make sure it took... And then I set the building on fire. The building... My home. I set my home on fire," Caleb pronounced, emphasizing the words to prevent his brain from trying to distance himself from this again. He'd set his home on fire. He'd set his parents on fire and stood their while they screamed, while they pleaded for help. "I broke," Caleb said after a moment. "When I heard my parents screaming. I couldn't... I couldn't process what I'd done. I don't... I don't remember much after that," Caleb said, glancing briefly up at Molly. "I killed them. I killed my family because I was told to. I killed them because I wanted to. I wanted to." All Caleb could hope was that Molly got it now. That was all he could hope. Because Caleb wouldn't know what to do with himself if Molly just kept trying to make excuses for him. Molly stared at Caleb for a long moment, processing what he had just been told. It was all he could do. What Caleb had just told him was overwhelmingly awful and he honestly had no frame of reference for it. He tried to imagine what he would have done in Caleb's place, and he couldn't. Caleb's story was just so terrible and he wasn't sure there was anything he could do or say in response. After a long moment, he pulled Caleb forward, wrapping himself around him in a tight embrace. "Oh darling," he said softly, holding him close. "I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you. Gods...no wonder you react to fire the way you do." His hand stroked Caleb's hair, hoping to give him some small measure of comfort. "Trent Ikithon is a monster and if I ever meet him, I will tear him to pieces for what he did to you." He sighed. "You did awful things," he said gently, "and I won't pretend that you didn't. But that doesn't make you an awful person. You were young and you were confused and someone you trusted manipulated you and hurt you and forced you to become something awful. You keep saying you wanted to do that, but if you wanted to, it wouldn't have broken you. You said your friends had the same task. Did it break them? You have to stop punishing yourself. You've suffered long enough." He was quiet for a moment. "In case it wasn't clear," he said, "this changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. You are still the man that I've always thought you to be. If anything, I'm amazed at how strong you are, surviving something like that. You are a good man, Caleb Widogast. And I love you." Caleb didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say or how to respond. He'd been expecting Molly to push him away in disgust, perhaps to get up and walk out of the room to put some distance between the two of them. The last thing he had expected as to get pulled into an embrace, for Molly to essentially cradle him and stroke his hair and go out of his way to try and soothe him over all of the awful things that he had done. Beau's lecturing had been difficult enough to deal with, as had Nott's concern, but this was just... This was... Caleb couldn't help the quiet sob that echoed out of him as he clung to Molly, still not sure how to process any of this, not sure how to accept his acceptance or the reassurances that he was something at all worthwhile when his entire life from that moment on had marked him as a person not worth anyone's time, much less their consideration... And certainly not their love. "You deserve better than me, Mollymauk Tealeaf," Caleb said, his voice cracking as he pressed his head against Molly's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut to try and stem the tears that wanted to flow. "And I will probably always think you deserve far better than me. But that doesn't change the fact that I love you, too," Caleb whispered, loosening his grip on Molly a bit in order to pull back and look up at him. "At least... I think that's what this feeling is. It's... been a very long game of trying to guess the emotion by process of elimination." Molly sighed, holding Caleb tighter as the man began to sob. Life had been so cruel to this man, and all Molly wanted to do was to make his life easier. To give him peace and comfort and love. Caleb was a good man and he deserved everything in the world. Molly only hoped that he would be enough. For all that Caleb seemed to think him a paragon of goodness, he was really just a confused, half-formed person who was still figuring things out. "You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I'm...I don't even know," Molly said with a sigh. "I'm not...whatever it is you think I am...I'm not that. I'm screwed up and I'm a fucking mess and I try to be a good person, but I don't always manage it. I like to think I do okay. But I think that you're exactly what I deserve, because everyone deserves happiness. And you make me happy." He looked down at Caleb, reaching up to touch his cheek, and gave him a small, amused smile at the comment about not recognizing the feeling. "Are you sure it isn't hunger?" he asked, teasing. "Or...irritation? Or befuddlement? Or..." He trailed off with a laugh. "Indigestion maybe? Perhaps you ought to kiss me to be sure." "Well, you have to understand," Caleb said after a moment, as the negative emotions started to pass and the positive ones started to ease into their place. Curling against Molly's chest, Caleb allowed himself to small just a bit. "Before the Nein, Nott was the only friend I had had in 16 years," He said, shifting to looking up at Molly. "You're definitely the best person I've ever known. Given my other options." Granted, Jester probably could give Molly a bit of a run for his money when it came to the best person that Caleb had ever known. But he still felt like Molly inched her out by just a handful of instances. But that was almost entirely because Caleb definitely had a rather sensitive soft spot when it came to the tiefling. "I thought it was fear for a little while," Caleb said, leaning into the touch. "But then there was too much of a thrill to it. Then I thought it might be academic interest. But there was nothing I could easily categorize. And I did consider that it might just be gas," Caleb said, glancing up at Molly with a wry smile as he leaned forward and kissed him, a brief peck compared to the kiss that they had started things with. "But that's usually painful. And... Well. There wasn't ever much pain involved." Besides the obvious, of course, but Caleb wasn't going to talk about that right now as he pressed forward again and pulled Molly into a deeper kiss this time, mostly to make sure that he made up for ruining their first one like he had. "Sixteen years is a long time to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault," Molly said gently. He could do the math. Caleb looked to be in his early thirties based on the way humans aged, and he had said he had killed his parents and had his breakdown when he was seventeen. The idea that Caleb had been isolating himself ever since broke his heart, and he was more glad than ever that Caleb and Nott had been in that tavern in Trostenwald. That they had come to the Carnival and fallen in with a ragtag band of disasters. That they had found friends. A family. Caleb deserved all of that and more. The rest of Caleb's words struck him and he flushed, looking down. "I try," he said. "I try to be a good person, to do right by people in everything I do. Because I know...I know in a way that I can't even explain...that I wasn't. Before I woke up in the ground, I was cruel and selfish and I'm so scared that if I'm not careful, one day I'll become that again. It's hard to be good and kind and fair in a world that just...isn't..." He thought of Trostenwald and the Carnival. Of Gustav stuck there because he had cared so much. He thought of the way the empire treated people, the cruelty and indifference of the Crownsguard. He thought of the story Caleb had told him. He thought of the Iron Shepherds and his own death. None of it had been fair. "But I've always thought that when the world is cruel and unfair...you just have to be kinder to make up the difference." He laughed softly at Caleb's words, shaking his head. "I hope that I never cause you pain, my love," he said, though he knew that he already had. He'd died and left Caleb behind and nothing he could do or say would ever change that. Of all the reasons to regret his own death, that was the biggest one. He looked down at the hand not touching Caleb's face, which was still holding one of Caleb's hands. Gods, he loved this man. It was selfish and unfair of him, and he knew that he shouldn't do this when he could be gone at any moment, but it seemed like a soft kind of cruelty. He let himself be pulled into the kiss, relaxing into it almost instantly. He didn't think that he would ever get enough of this. Of Caleb wanting him. He'd had plenty of sex in his two years, but nothing had ever felt like kissing Caleb. "You took me by surprise, Caleb Widogast" he admitting, the words soft in the small space between their mouths. "I had never felt anything like this before. I mean...I had been with people...but I'd never...this is new for me too." "To be fair... Eleven years of that, I was locked away in an asylum," Caleb said, knowing that that would probably provoke questions. He couldn't remember much of his time in the asylum. His mind had been messed with far too much to allow him to properly recall the years that he'd spent trying to reconcile the warring factions within his brain. But the details weren't important. None of that really was beyond the fact that it had happened. "And four and a half, I was trying to figure out how to survive in a world where the only interactions I had ever had with people were duplicitous, vicious, and destructive. Friends weren't... really part of the equation. Even Nott was an alliance of convenience at first." Because that had been how he'd thought about people before the Nein, about how he could use them, what they could give him, and whether even maintaining a relationship was beneficial. Most of the time, beyond what he could con or rob someone of, it hadn't been. But now... "And I always felt like you had to be crueler to stay ahead of everyone else..." Caleb said quietly, leaning into Molly as his heart clenched in his chest at the thought. He really had been a piece of shit for the longest time. And kind of still was, no matter what Molly (and Beau) might say. "I've only just started to think... maybe that's not the best way to go about things." And he owed all of that rethinking to the others. Tipping his head forward, resting his forehead against Molly's as he smiled to himself, Caleb allowed himself to relax into the contact. As much as it hurt him, knowing that there was always a possibility that they wouldn't be able to get Molly back back home, that they wouldn't find a way to reverse what had happened, even if they put everything that they had into doing so, Caleb had been working on quietly separating himself from that reality. Molly was here. He was here. And however long this lasted, that was all that mattered. "We'll figure it out together, then, ja?" Caleb asked, a softness to his voice as he tipped his head forward to kiss Molly again. "We've got the time here." Molly wanted to ask, but he didn't want to push. Caleb would tell him in his own time, if he wanted to tell him. Otherwise, it was Caleb's business. He could support him and help him with anything he needed, but he wouldn't force him to talk about anything from his past. "Well," he said after a moment, "you have friends now. And a family. And you have me, for as long as you want me." Because, yes, Caleb loved him, but that might change one day. When Caleb learned to love himself and was no longer so unsure. He sighed, pulling Caleb closer. "I don't blame you for feeling that way," he said. "The world is a hard place. And it wears people down. And after everything you had been through...everything you suffered...I imagine seeing any kindness in it must have been impossible. But you're trying to be better and that's all that anyone can ask of you." He was honestly so proud of how far Caleb had come as a person, how much he had overcome and how good he really was underneath all the pain. He couldn't stop himself from smiling, terribly, helplessly fond, as Caleb talked about how they had time and how they would work it out together. "Ja," he agreed, his accent at odds with the Zemnian. "We'll figure it out. I'm not worried, you're very clever after all." He hesitated, taking a moment just to kiss Caleb before he spoke again. "Ich liebe dich," he said softly. He wasn't great with languages, but he had made a point to learn that particular phrase, just in case. And now, he was glad he had taken the time. "Even if that is a very long time?" Caleb questioned, not entirely sure what to make of Molly's phrasing there. It probably had something to do with the fact that they both knew their time was limited in this place, that there was always a chance that they would be separated. But then again... That wouldn't have given Caleb a choice in the matter, and that was very much a statement of choice. "Because I am very much not going to give you up as long as I have that option." Caleb curled himself around Molly, a hint of amusement tugging at the corner of his lips as he listened to Molly attempt Zemnian, finding the odd lilt placed into it utterly endearing even if he knew that anyone else would likely roll their eyes or sneer at the mutilation. But he knew that Molly was trying, and that... that meant more than anything else. "I'm trying for all of you, liebling," Caleb said softly, kissing him again as he moved a hand to brush his hair back off of his face. "You are all the first good I have ever seen in the world. And I want... I want to be worth being close to all of you." "Forever then," Molly said, even though he knew they couldn't really have that. Sooner or later, his borrowed time would come to an end. Still, he liked the way that sounded. Forever. There was little he could picture that would be better than an eternity with Caleb. He hadn't even known this was something he wanted before he met Caleb, content with flings and one night stands and paid companionship, but he found that this was so much better. "I think forever sounds good, don't you." "You're already worth it," he assured Caleb. "You're more than worth it. And whatever you might think, you're trying for yourself. Because you deserve goodness in your life. And you have so much capacity for goodness yourself. You just don't see it. But I do. You're good and you're kind and you give so much of yourself. You're worth everything." Leaning in, his kissed Caleb slowly, savoring the contact and just enjoying the closeness. "We should probably sleep," he said, remembering what time of night it was. They would be useless in the morning if they didn't get some rest. And, after all of this, he was sure his dreams would be peaceful. Forever had always been a weird, nebulous amount of time in Caleb's mind that didn't always seem entirely real. But in this instance, forever sounded really nice. Granted, he knew that it wasn't a guarantee. They had no idea of knowing how long this place would last, of knowing how long they would be here, and back home... They were going to try. There would be absolutely nothing that would keep them from trying to find someone who could help bring Molly back, but there was also no assurances that they would be able to find someone at all. And even less assurances that they would be able to find someone in time. But for right now, they could pretend. "Forever sounds wonderful," Caleb said softly, leaning into the contact. He wasn't entirely sure how to take Molly's praise. He didn't agree with it. Caleb didn't think he was worth much of anything. And his capacity for goodness was only relative to the circumstances that he found himself in most of the time. But in this moment, Caleb wasn't going to protest. It was... nice, to think that Molly thought so well of him. Even if he wasn't right about it. "You're right. We should rest," Caleb said, leaning back in and kissing Molly again as he pulled him back down onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Molly and pulling him against his chest, running a hand through his hair. "We can talk more in the morning." Molly smiled softly, just appreciating the chance to be close to Caleb. Caleb just soothed something inside of him, made it easier to let go of the manic energy that seemed to constantly be there under his skin. Part of him still felt guilty and selfish, because he knew how easily borrowed time could slip away, but it seemed foolish to deny themselves something they both wanted just because it might end. Besides, knowing Caleb returned his feelings, it would have been impossible for him to keep away from him. So instead he smiled and leaned into Caleb, kissing him again. "Forever it is then," he said. It really was one of his kinder lies, and he hoped that, somehow it might become true if he said it enough. Maybe if he wanted it hard enough, he could keep this beautiful, brilliant man. He let himself be pulled to the bed, sighing in contentment as he made himself comfortable against Caleb's chest, wrapping an arm around the wizard and winding his tail around Caleb's calf until they were as close as they could be. "Promise me something," he said softly as the two of them settled down to sleep. "Well...promise me two things. If...if you all can't...if you can't bring me back...go back to Trostenwald and let Gustav know that...let him know what happened and make sure that he's all right. And...don't let it eat you up. You deserve happiness and love and...I don't want you to make yourself miserable because of me. So promise me that." Molly's requests hurt to think about. Caleb didn't want to admit to himself that there was a possibility they wouldn't be able to get him back. Even as much as he knew in his mind that it was true, as much as he'd struggled with that thought upon first arriving here, it was far too easy in this situation to delude himself into thinking that it would be easy. But at the same time, Caleb had to be honest with himself. Molly might not be around to take care of the things that were important to him in the way that he had intended to, and Gustav was one of those rather major things. After all, after finishing the job for the Gentleman, they would have been able to go back to Trostenwald and help him for real. And yet, things had just had to go south before that. "I can promise you to help Gustav," Caleb said gently, quietly, his fingers idly playing with Molly's hair as he tried to push through the pit that had opened up in his stomach. "He's still... We'll be able to make sure that he's free of his debt. Whatever happens, we will. But the rest..." Caleb trailed off, closing his eyes and shaking his head slowly. "I don't know if I can promise that. It's been hard enough to push through, letting myself... trust, care. I don't know if I can..." Caleb said softly, eyes still closed. "I don't know if I can do it again. Not when I've already lost four of you, and I can't do anything to change any of that." Molly sighed, shifting them so that he was laying on his back, pulling Caleb down to lay his head on his chest so that the human could hear his heartbeat. It was a simple reminder, a reassurance that whatever might happen if they returned home, he was still here now. He couldn't give Caleb more than that, as much as he might want to. And gods, did he want to. He wanted to be able to promise to stay with Caleb. To never leave him. But that would be a lie. They didn't know what the future would bring. They only had now. "Thank you," he said gently. "Gustav means a lot to me. He's the closest thing to a father that I've ever had. He's the reason that I'm the person I am. And the thought of him being stuck in Trostenwald indefinitely...alone like that..." He shook his head. "It means everything that you would help him." He sighed. "As to the rest," he said, "I believe that you can survive it. That you can open yourself up to people without me, even if you can't get me back. Because you're going to find the others and you're going to save them. Even if you lose me, you won't lose them. And one day, you'll find someone you care about and you'll find happiness. That's all that I want for you, my love." He ran his fingers through Caleb's hair. "Now sleep. There will be time for that later." |