Julian wanted to pull away from Garak, but he forced himself to stay still. To let himself be guided to the couch and sat down like a child. Because the fact was he was tired and he desperately wanted some degree of comfort. Even if he knew he didn't deserve it. Even if he could hardly bear to accept it. He was tired and he'd missed Garak terribly. Missed the closeness they'd had once. The friendship. The almost something that had existed between them as a kind of potential energy. And if Garak wanted to care for him now, he supposed he could allow it for as long as it lasted.
"I'm not very good at taking care of myself," he admitted. "I think that comes with being at war. With people expecting you to fix everything. To having a different standard put to you once people know you aren't human." Because they had, hadn't they? They'd expected so much. And he was only one man. One man with a greater capability than most, but still just one man. He hadn't crumbled under the weight of it simply because he had no other choice but to keep it together. "I don't think I remember how to live outside of that sort of expectation." Because he was still working himself just as hard, running himself just as ragged, just without the backdrop of a war to justify it.
"I loved her," he said quietly, because he knew Garak would understand. That he wouldn't misread it the way Worf or Miles or any of the others might have. "I really did love her. Not...not in that way. Maybe once, but she made her choices and I always respected them...even if I don't think they really made her happy." He sighed. "And now she's dead. The symbiont survived and there will be another host somewhere, another Dax...but it won't be her. And all I can think is that I should have saved her. I know, logically, that I couldn't. That I did everything I could and it just...wasn't enough. But I still blame myself for her death."
Garak squeezed his hand and he felt like he might fall apart or die from that simple contact. He'd been so desperately lonely. "I missed you," he admitted quietly. "I came back from the camp and you were different. Everything was different. You had Ziyal and...you didn't need me any more. And then you found out about what I am...and it felt like we were strangers suddenly. I just...I missed you, Elim."