Julian watched Garak for a long moment, taking in what the Cardassian was saying. He wondered when it was that Garak had gotten so very bad at lying. At least to him. Garak spoke of apologies, of forcing his way into Julian's life when it wasn't wanted, as though Julian had been the one to push him away. As if Julian was the one who wanted distance. He felt hurt and anger and frustration warring inside him as he listened to the pointless platitudes. As he listened to Garak try to manipulate his way out of acknowledging the truth. And suddenly, he couldn't take it any more. Garak's lies had never been a problem. Not to him. They were a fact of the man himself. But right now they made Julian feel sick, and he just wanted Garak to shut up and stop trying to soften the blow. To just admit what they both knew to be true.
His hands shook as he listened to Garak go on about wanting Julian to tell him how to improve his behavior. To make himself less of an imposition. Whatever he wanted, Garak would do. It was so painfully sincere for a lie, and Julian felt himself snapped. "For the love of god Garak," he said. "For once in your life shut up and stop lying to me." He felt cruel and awful but he couldn't stop the words from spilling out.
"There's nothing for you to change," he said. "Nothing for you to do differently or better or whatever narrative you've composed in your head to make things easier. Because you aren't the problem. You never were. I am. And I can't change it or get rid of the flaw or anything else because it's in me. It is me. And nothing I can do will make me into something you don't disdain. You've made that incredibly clear. I'm something you cannot abide."
He took a shuddering breath. "I never wanted this," he said. "I never wanted to be this. And I can't change it, much as I desperately wish I could. I'm not human enough. I'm not the person you thought I was almost six years ago. And I'm sorry for that. But I can't change what I am. I can't stop being this thing that is so obviously abhorrent to you. I have wished for years that I could. But I can't. And what good even is it? What good is any of it? I'm still not enough. Even with all of it, I'm still not enough. Not smart enough. Not fast enough. Not good enough. There is a war and people are dying because I'm not good enough to save them so what is the bloody point of me?"
"Even with everything, I still couldn't save her. She died because I couldn't save her." It was the first time he'd spoken the truth of it out loud. "I'm the reason she's dead. Even with...it doesn't bloody matter. So I promise you, Garak. You can't possibly hate me as much as I hate myself. So please just stop lying to me. Stop lying to the both of us. There's no point."