He'd tried to visit Garak in the cell when he could, to keep up their weekly lunches. But the approaching war with the Dominions and other problems had taken up so much of his time. Ajilon Prime hadn't been the only conflict he'd been dragged into in the months of Garak's imprisonment. He'd had to make excuses on a number of occasions for missing their meetings. And then came the conference on Meezan IV and the sudden shit to a Dominion Internment Camp. He wished he could say he hadn't thought about Garak in those days but he had, all too much. How could he not, with Tain there, being smug and insufferable. Taunting him about his affection for Garak. He'd never say so - not to Garak - but he hated Garak's father almost as much as he hated his own. Maybe more. Weeks had passed with no sign of rescue and far too much isolation and helplessness. Watching people die and being unable to help.
And then rescue and the knowledge that he hadn't even been missed. That everyone had liked a changeling better than him. And the further realization that Garak had been utterly unaffected by his absence. He'd come all the way to the Gamma Quadrant for Tain - not that Julian faulted him for that - but hadn't even noticed that Julian himself was gone. Moreover, he'd moved on. Slipped into a relationship with Ziyal. Julian couldn't even find it in him to be bitter about that because Ziyal was a lovely girl and he wanted nothing more than Garak's happiness. But it served as a reminder that he would always be alone. Jadzia would never love him. Garak would never love him. He would have to accept their friendship would be all he could have and be happy with that.
Except that then his secret had come out and Garak had pulled away from even that. He saw less and less of him and the Cardassian's comments turned from teasing to biting and soon Julian couldn't lie to himself any more. He'd known there was every chance people would look at him differently once they knew. And they did. He was far from stupid and he could see it. But they still mostly accepted him. He just hadn't expected Garak to abandon their friendship entirely. It wasn't that he'd lied. Garak had never judged anyone for lying. Hell, if it had just been that Julian had successfully kept something from him for the entirety of their friendship, Garak probably would have been proud. Delighted even. But it was more than that, and he knew it. He wasn't a person to Garak any more and he'd had to live with that.
He'd let himself forget about that here. Or try to anyway. Tried to embrace the friendship they'd once had in the hope that Garak might ignore his disdain for him in the absence of other options. But then...Garak had plenty of options. And then he'd had the audacity to act like Julian was the one who pulled away first. It hurt, that Garak really thought he was that blind. That he hadn't seen Garak's disgust with what he was. And the worst of it was he could hardly blame him. He hated himself too.
Especially now.
He knew his thoughts were spiralling, and he tried to rein them in but it was hard. The knock to the door pulled him out of his own head and he sighed, doing his best to pull himself into a semblance of composure. Once he was satisfied with the mask, he opened the door, giving Garak a small, wan smile.
"Come in, Garak," he said, stepping aside enough to let the Cardassian enter.